Miz en Scène
Everybody's connected
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- The Wired
- Seen Apr 19, 2024
A oneshot I wrote out of pure boredom and because I thought that I haven't been writing for far too long.
NB: The basic premise has some elements from 5 Centimetres per Second, but the Soliloquy is mine alone. Certain events resemble those that happen in the movie, but for the most part, most of the suicidal thoughts here are a construct of my imagination. You could say that this is kinda of a 5 Cm/Sec fanfic, but only to a small extent since this didn't really happened in the movie. Certin spoilers if you can call it that.
IMPORTANT: Suicide is never an option no matter if you're an atheist or religious. It's stupid and cowardly. Just don't do it.
Spiritual Disclaimer: The events and or thoughts depicted in this work of fiction do not necessarily reflect the author's spiritual beliefs.
Disclaimer: Most characters copyright Makoto Shinkai.
Rating: PG-13 for very minimal but present depictions of violence and mature concepts.
I'm standing at the top of the tall, metallic structure overlooking the street below. I can see the harsh city lights illuminating the gentle darkness of the night; both of them, in stark contrast with each other but melding together to form such a beautiful scenery. Who says that the plethora of colours and the steel behemoths of the city skyline are an ugly scar on the surface of the barren greenery that used to occupy the area? At least I don't. To me, the light of the ground-stars that drown out the jewels of the sky are much more beautiful and pleasing to the eye than anything nature can produce. It's shallow reasoning, but I'm no sheep. Just because everyone prefers nature, just because everyone finds it refreshing, it doesn't mean I have to. It's a personal preference which I've had for years.
The wind of the high altitude whips violently at my coat and scarf; threatening to bring me over down to the thirty-four storey vertical drop to the hard tarmac below. I tighten my grip on the railing behind me. If I want to die, at least I want to choose when I go.
Snow continues to fall from the dark sky above. It's a moonless night and the temperature is close to thirteen degrees below zero. I'm on the other side of the rail contemplating my life. Maybe it's the snow, or maybe it's the night, but an icy chill has spread and wrapped itself around my heart. I don't feel the warmth of my body nor do I care that I can't. It seems that the nearing prospect of death has frozen any form of emotion that I might have at the moment. I'm wrapped up comfortably underneath three layers, but still I feel the icy bite of the wind on my face. The coat may keep me warm, but I really can't do anything about my face. It pains me to think about what I'm planning to do so I try not to. My heart is troubled enough as it is. I don't relinquish complete hold of the railing, but fish around for my phone in my left pocket. Its backlight flares to life as I bring I open it and scroll down to my last received.
------------------------------
Subject: Urgent
Received: 25/12/09
Sender: Kaori
"Hnspital asap polhbe"
------------------------------
I read through the last message and close the phone.
It's obvious by the lack of punctuation and the innocent spelling mistake --brought upon by the phones keypad-- that the message was written in a hurry. I don't blame Kaori though, she was in a hurry. I had used the meagre amount of information contained within the e-mail to deduce that I had to get to the hospital as quickly as possible. I couldn't fathom that last part, but I knew that it had to be something bad so I raced to the hospital on my bike through the snowy night. When I arrived, a uniformed officer whisked me away to a private ward where I found Kaori sobbing her eyes out it one corner, and a sheet that had a few parts sticking out at awkward angles. I was told to identify a body and I did. It was Akari. I remember recoiling in horror at the mangled corpse under the black tarp that was hidden by the white sheet. Long metal bars protruded out of some areas of her body. Their ends had obviously been sawn off to remove her from whatever accident that could have caused this.
Again, I remember Kaori sobbing her eyes out as the female officers tried to calm her down. She kept screaming, "It wasn't my fault! It wasn't!" I knew deep down however, that for whatever had happened, for whatever reason, I would never look at Kaori the same way twice. Even if it really was an accident, it was over.
The police had brought me here to identify the body after Kaori had told them that I knew the deceased. I had been to her wedding a few days back. I remember exactly how I felt when I attended. Akari was getting married; I should've been happy, but deep down I just felt that icy cold chill tighten its grip around my heart. I had gone to the event with Kaori since Akari had invited all her friends that she remembered. There were plenty of familiar faces at the wedding. However, I had to wonder: did she really remember me? Did she remember how we had spent that night, snowy like tonight, years ago? Did she remember the train-station, the letters, and the sakura petals?
The wind whipped at my coat again, bringing me back to reality and making me tighten my grip on the railing.
It was impossible to truly ever let go of the past. I quit my job a few days ago. There was nothing happy with my life, no silver-lining apart from the fact that I was still alive and scraping a pathetic existence along the middle-class road of life, I should have been grateful, but I really couldn't bring myself to equate my emotional suffering to those who were in wars elsewhere. There's my selfishness clawing away at my self-esteem once more.
I contemplate on whether or not my life has really been that terrible. Those few years I spent on Tanegashima where I watched the Elish take its first steps into space. Tanegashima: where I had spent the better part of the summer writing messages on my newly acquired cell. All of them were addressed to Akari, but none of them ever left the confines of my draft box.
If I take a step forward I die, if I jump back over the railing I continue my pathetic existence. It's a hard choice. Can life really swing for the better after seeing all my hopes dashed by one incident? Then again, was I really hoping for an innocent and happy reunion with Akari where she had suddenly left her fiancée for some unfathomable reason and eloped with me to god-knows-where? Maybe I was being too optimistic and deep down I had replayed that impossible scenario over-and-over again in my mind. I knew that it would never happen. Akari had found someone, I had found someone, we had both moved on. At least I think, she had moved on. I knew Kaori could see the emptiness in my eyes during our outings and our time together. How I had always been looking at something further and unreachable than I could possibly ever attain. I made no attempt to hide it beneath a facade of indifference. I was always the dreamer.
I edge closer to the brink of the tower's metal observation point's deck. I'm still holding on to the railing, but I feel as though I'm purposely losing my grip. No one's here at night. No one will try to stop me. Dare I do it? If I did, would I really be free of all suffering? Would I really be content in the cold and eternal embrace of death: knowing nothing and non-existence eternal? Or was there a life-after-death; presided over by some almighty deity that would judge my actions of deliberately ripping my own soul from its body in an untimely fashion. Pascal's wager dictated that I shouldn't jump. But I was too heart-broken to think about logic at a time like this.
I dangled my foot over the edge of the structure and gazed down at the thirty-four storeys that dropped down below. Will it be quick and painless? No, that's too optimistic. The tower slopes at a degree so I might slide down halfway before smashing into the concrete pavement below: half-alive and in immense pain. I imagine that even if it was a smooth drop from here to there, I'd still feel the sharp, unbearable pain when my body hits the pavement. It's certainly not going to be a painless death that's for sure. My body might catch on something on the way down; something might rip at my skin causing some premature pain before death. This isn't how I imagined it would be when I was riding all the way here.
I close my eyes and let my mind wander.
I take a deep breath and jump. The night air whistles past me as I stare up into the snowy night sky; devoid of any emotion. I was here, I was ready. My body continued to hurtle down the slope, but suddenly, my arm caught on a protruding flag-pole just as I had imagined. The blunt-tip rips through my left arm and I gasp in pain as it turns my body to face the oncoming pavement where dozens of people go about their business. They won't be expecting a relatively young man to suddenly drop down from the top of the tower and splatter all over the pavement in a bitter, final, unsolicited revenge to no one in particular. I close my eyes, not wanting to see the pavement when it hits. This was a bad idea, are my last thoughts. My life doesn't flash before my eyes and I'm not dead when I hit the pavement.
I open my eyes, I can see the city skyline rolling away beautifully over the horizon. I jump over the railing and leave the place where I let my morbid thoughts fester. That hallucination was so vivid that for a second I wonder: did I really jump? No, that's impossible. I shudder to think of what would have happened if I had really jumped.
Life goes on. I let go of the past.
NB: The basic premise has some elements from 5 Centimetres per Second, but the Soliloquy is mine alone. Certain events resemble those that happen in the movie, but for the most part, most of the suicidal thoughts here are a construct of my imagination. You could say that this is kinda of a 5 Cm/Sec fanfic, but only to a small extent since this didn't really happened in the movie. Certin spoilers if you can call it that.
IMPORTANT: Suicide is never an option no matter if you're an atheist or religious. It's stupid and cowardly. Just don't do it.
Spiritual Disclaimer: The events and or thoughts depicted in this work of fiction do not necessarily reflect the author's spiritual beliefs.
Disclaimer: Most characters copyright Makoto Shinkai.
Rating: PG-13 for very minimal but present depictions of violence and mature concepts.
Tower Soliloquy
[FONT="](Oneshot)
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
The wind of the high altitude whips violently at my coat and scarf; threatening to bring me over down to the thirty-four storey vertical drop to the hard tarmac below. I tighten my grip on the railing behind me. If I want to die, at least I want to choose when I go.
Snow continues to fall from the dark sky above. It's a moonless night and the temperature is close to thirteen degrees below zero. I'm on the other side of the rail contemplating my life. Maybe it's the snow, or maybe it's the night, but an icy chill has spread and wrapped itself around my heart. I don't feel the warmth of my body nor do I care that I can't. It seems that the nearing prospect of death has frozen any form of emotion that I might have at the moment. I'm wrapped up comfortably underneath three layers, but still I feel the icy bite of the wind on my face. The coat may keep me warm, but I really can't do anything about my face. It pains me to think about what I'm planning to do so I try not to. My heart is troubled enough as it is. I don't relinquish complete hold of the railing, but fish around for my phone in my left pocket. Its backlight flares to life as I bring I open it and scroll down to my last received.
------------------------------
Subject: Urgent
Received: 25/12/09
Sender: Kaori
"Hnspital asap polhbe"
------------------------------
I read through the last message and close the phone.
It's obvious by the lack of punctuation and the innocent spelling mistake --brought upon by the phones keypad-- that the message was written in a hurry. I don't blame Kaori though, she was in a hurry. I had used the meagre amount of information contained within the e-mail to deduce that I had to get to the hospital as quickly as possible. I couldn't fathom that last part, but I knew that it had to be something bad so I raced to the hospital on my bike through the snowy night. When I arrived, a uniformed officer whisked me away to a private ward where I found Kaori sobbing her eyes out it one corner, and a sheet that had a few parts sticking out at awkward angles. I was told to identify a body and I did. It was Akari. I remember recoiling in horror at the mangled corpse under the black tarp that was hidden by the white sheet. Long metal bars protruded out of some areas of her body. Their ends had obviously been sawn off to remove her from whatever accident that could have caused this.
Again, I remember Kaori sobbing her eyes out as the female officers tried to calm her down. She kept screaming, "It wasn't my fault! It wasn't!" I knew deep down however, that for whatever had happened, for whatever reason, I would never look at Kaori the same way twice. Even if it really was an accident, it was over.
The police had brought me here to identify the body after Kaori had told them that I knew the deceased. I had been to her wedding a few days back. I remember exactly how I felt when I attended. Akari was getting married; I should've been happy, but deep down I just felt that icy cold chill tighten its grip around my heart. I had gone to the event with Kaori since Akari had invited all her friends that she remembered. There were plenty of familiar faces at the wedding. However, I had to wonder: did she really remember me? Did she remember how we had spent that night, snowy like tonight, years ago? Did she remember the train-station, the letters, and the sakura petals?
The wind whipped at my coat again, bringing me back to reality and making me tighten my grip on the railing.
It was impossible to truly ever let go of the past. I quit my job a few days ago. There was nothing happy with my life, no silver-lining apart from the fact that I was still alive and scraping a pathetic existence along the middle-class road of life, I should have been grateful, but I really couldn't bring myself to equate my emotional suffering to those who were in wars elsewhere. There's my selfishness clawing away at my self-esteem once more.
I contemplate on whether or not my life has really been that terrible. Those few years I spent on Tanegashima where I watched the Elish take its first steps into space. Tanegashima: where I had spent the better part of the summer writing messages on my newly acquired cell. All of them were addressed to Akari, but none of them ever left the confines of my draft box.
If I take a step forward I die, if I jump back over the railing I continue my pathetic existence. It's a hard choice. Can life really swing for the better after seeing all my hopes dashed by one incident? Then again, was I really hoping for an innocent and happy reunion with Akari where she had suddenly left her fiancée for some unfathomable reason and eloped with me to god-knows-where? Maybe I was being too optimistic and deep down I had replayed that impossible scenario over-and-over again in my mind. I knew that it would never happen. Akari had found someone, I had found someone, we had both moved on. At least I think, she had moved on. I knew Kaori could see the emptiness in my eyes during our outings and our time together. How I had always been looking at something further and unreachable than I could possibly ever attain. I made no attempt to hide it beneath a facade of indifference. I was always the dreamer.
I edge closer to the brink of the tower's metal observation point's deck. I'm still holding on to the railing, but I feel as though I'm purposely losing my grip. No one's here at night. No one will try to stop me. Dare I do it? If I did, would I really be free of all suffering? Would I really be content in the cold and eternal embrace of death: knowing nothing and non-existence eternal? Or was there a life-after-death; presided over by some almighty deity that would judge my actions of deliberately ripping my own soul from its body in an untimely fashion. Pascal's wager dictated that I shouldn't jump. But I was too heart-broken to think about logic at a time like this.
I dangled my foot over the edge of the structure and gazed down at the thirty-four storeys that dropped down below. Will it be quick and painless? No, that's too optimistic. The tower slopes at a degree so I might slide down halfway before smashing into the concrete pavement below: half-alive and in immense pain. I imagine that even if it was a smooth drop from here to there, I'd still feel the sharp, unbearable pain when my body hits the pavement. It's certainly not going to be a painless death that's for sure. My body might catch on something on the way down; something might rip at my skin causing some premature pain before death. This isn't how I imagined it would be when I was riding all the way here.
I close my eyes and let my mind wander.
I take a deep breath and jump. The night air whistles past me as I stare up into the snowy night sky; devoid of any emotion. I was here, I was ready. My body continued to hurtle down the slope, but suddenly, my arm caught on a protruding flag-pole just as I had imagined. The blunt-tip rips through my left arm and I gasp in pain as it turns my body to face the oncoming pavement where dozens of people go about their business. They won't be expecting a relatively young man to suddenly drop down from the top of the tower and splatter all over the pavement in a bitter, final, unsolicited revenge to no one in particular. I close my eyes, not wanting to see the pavement when it hits. This was a bad idea, are my last thoughts. My life doesn't flash before my eyes and I'm not dead when I hit the pavement.
I open my eyes, I can see the city skyline rolling away beautifully over the horizon. I jump over the railing and leave the place where I let my morbid thoughts fester. That hallucination was so vivid that for a second I wonder: did I really jump? No, that's impossible. I shudder to think of what would have happened if I had really jumped.
Life goes on. I let go of the past.