Before I post Chapter 2 does anyone have any comments? What's the use of writing if nobody cares? Just tell me good or bad and if I should change something.
Thing with fanfics is that it's common for new writers to go a while without reviews, even in rather active communities - not a great fact, but it is something that happens. Best way to attract reviews and attention is to advertise via your signature and be active in the community reviewing other fics and so forth. My first posting of a fic got only one review for its prologue and I know others who got less than that...
Anyways, I already mentioned the spacing-out thing in my VM reply to you - you'd want to use enter twice between each line of dialogue or new paragraph as otherwise it can be hard to read - ie:
"What's that Haunter?" Said a voice.
"Haaaauuuunter!" Replied Haunter.
Becomes:
"What's that Haunter?" Said a voice.
"Haaaauuuunter!" Replied Haunter.
Check out the thread I linked you to as well which has more on that. I'd also advise against stretching the page with several '******s' at the bottom of the 2nd chapter - a few will do as a scene separator or the such as otherwise it is hard to read the story as one has to scroll left and right as well as up and down.
It seems you have the plot thought out at least to a decent degree here and all - but there are a number of things that could be improved. I'll just mention a few instances of them as generally they are consistent mistakes and you can apply the 'fix' so to speak throughout the story thus far... for instance, going back to the quote above, there's the issue with punctuation/capitalisation in/around dialogue that needs fixing (certainly a common-enough error though, and one I made myself too when I started writing. XD)
"What's that Haunter?" Said a voice.
"Haaaauuuunter!" Replied Haunter.
Now, 'Said a voice' doesn't work as its own sentence - it just sounds awkward by itself. However it is in reference to the dialogue (telling us a currently unidentified character said the line) and flows on from it, so you should treat the two parts - dialogue and the part that follows - as one whole sentence, and hence not use a capital with 'said'. Same with the second sentence - 'Replied Haunter' doesn't work as a sentence by itself but it links up with the dialogue, so the two parts can be treated as one sentence here and hence there's no need to capitalise 'replied' as otherwise you'd be essentially capitalising a word in the middle of the sentence. Hence the above becomes:
"What's that Haunter?" said a voice.
"Haaaauuuunter!" replied Haunter.
Furthermore, taking another example:
"Yes, I saw a blue beast enter at night." Replied the man.
Same deal here with 'replied' - it shouldn't be capitalised, but as the whole thing here should be treated as one sentence, then the full-stop after 'night' doesn't belong, and should be a comma. Essentially - ignore the quotation marks and you get this - 'Yes, I saw a blue beast enter at night. Replied the man.' which isn't correct - rather it should be like so: Yes, I saw a blue beast enter at night, replied the man.... and then upon adding the quotation marks back in:
"Yes, I saw a blue beast enter at night," replied the man.
Note that if the dialogue ends with a question mark or exclamation mark, etc it can stay - the above only applies to full stops when the part following the dialogue relates to it.
Celebi looked around and started flying at the time portal in front of it. Seconds later Celebi appeared in it's own time and exhaled a breath of relief. Celebi touched the ancient shrine before it and a portal appeared. Celebi threw the Golden ball in the portal and within seconds it was gone.
Firstly, its instead of it's (it is). Secondly and more importantly, I feel you could add in more in the way of description - it's hard to imagine what is going on while we read if you only tell us what is happening - try adding in more details on what things look like, such as.... what did the time portal look like? What did the 'ancient shrine' look like?
There are other aspects one can build on description as well - for instance mentioning more on how things are done - did Celebi fly slowly, or quickly? When it looked about, did it do so calmly or frantically?
Taking another instance:
Celebi got in front of Suicune and absorbed the impact. Celebi didn't get a scratch.
Suicune then unleashed a rainbow colored blast on Shadow Celebi.** Celebi dodged but it hit his arm which distracted Shadow Celebi for a second.
Here you tell us what happened, but not much beyond that - for instance, how did the Celebi react to being hit in the arm by the attack - with a cry of pain, perhaps, or a scowl? How did Celebi 'got (get) in front of Suicune' - teleportation, flying...? Add in more details and you'll expand on th writing, and it'll be also more enjoyable to read and asier to imagine what happens. Try showing us more (saying how characters react, and how, etc) as opposed to just telling us this and that happened.
"I think we've just seen Suicune!" Exclaimed Eusine."Haunter, return!"
As said bfore, exclaimed shouldn't be capitalised, but the other things here are the missing space between 'Eusine' and the quotation mark. Also I added in that comma after Haunter as a comma should either go before or after a name/nickname/etc when someone addresses someon with said name/nickname/etc... like Haunter for instance, because Eusine is calling to his Pokemon by its species name.
"Hey what's wrong?" asked Ethan
Watch for small things like forgetting to add in a full stop to the end of the sentence as well.
Sometimes things move too fast too - initially I had thought that Eusiene had in the prologue mistaken Celebi for Suicune, but later on it seems he had actually been in a different place to begin with, so that was somewhat confusing. Another instance of the such:
Ethan saw this and instructed pidgeot to land.
"Piiiidgeot!" Cried Pidgeot but refused to land.
"What's gotten into you? Go Dragonite!" Dragonite appeared next to him.
"Dragonite catch me on your back! Pidgeot return!" Ethan knew this was not going to feel good. "Woaaaaaaaaaah! Agh! Thanks Dragonite!" He exclaimed as Dragonite caught him.
Besides the other instances of unnecessary capitalisation, this was confusing as things just moved too fast - all we know is that Pidgeot refused to land but not how it was acting besides repeating its name - for all we know it could have been flying recklessly too, but without that I had to assume the such given Ethan decided to do something risky like return his Pokemon while flying on it in mid-air. Again, more description would help in such instances - add in more about the setting, how characters do things and react and so forth or it comes off as too rushed.
Ethan saw the direction Crobat and Jolteon were going and flew ahead to form a ambush.
Seconds later growlihe was caught.
Like beforee, this also seemed to quick - just before Growlithe (note the spelling) was nowhere to be seen being lost in the forest and straightaway he is caught again... but we don't see how Crobat and Jolteon had managed to track him down and attack and how Ethan had caught him (or maybe the Pokemon had just pinned him down?). Slow events down and add in more on how they happen as otherwise they can just confuse the reader.
No need for both the exclamation mark and the full stop - drop the latter.
And a mighty voice in his head said: "You must tell people what we said, but not that we said it, understand?
I'd add in that bolded comma or make a new sentence there as otherwise it is a run-on sentence with the mighty voice saying too much in the one sentence without any pauses... I do wonder why the legendary beasts don't want Eusine to tell people that
they told him to say it though - strikes me as odd and could use an explanation.
Ethan was about to order Crobat to attack when Celebi touched his forehead which made a vision appear:
(Note: not much detail will be given since Ethan sees it as just a slideshow of memories.)
The bolded part is a bit too much on the telling side - you could have proceeded without it and show us that Ethan was having a vision from Celebi... but the 'Note:' bit is something to avoid - there's no need to mention why you wrote something like so within the story as that just distracts from the story (this is known as 'breaking the fourth wall' and only usually works in comedies/parodies as a joke).
That covers most of it - you have some potential here, but you might need to edit at the first couple of chapters you have first before moving on just so the fic looks as good as it can be to begin with. Watch for punctuation/capitalisation around dialogue and use more description, and this'll certainly improve with those changes alone - it'll take a bit of work but it will certainly be worth it. Hope this was of some help to you.
