» My Life As A Rocket «

[LuciRuki]

TEAM ROCKET RULEZ​

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Rated PG-15; mild language.​

"This is my life, as a criminal. A criminal who can't leave. Doomed to the day until he turns of age, but by then I would be using a cane to walk and dentures to speak. I might as well be dead."
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You want a story about Team Rocket? Well, you got it! It may not be what you had expected, though. There is a twist. What if you were told a story about this notorious organization through the eyes of a cynicistic grunt? Look at Team Rocket in a new way that the games, animé and mangas never shown you before! ​

What would happen if you were to meet a Rocket who doesn't believe in evil?​

He is confined to the torture and torment of having a false name glued to his forehead.​

He hates what he does but he has no other choice.​

He is a Rocket, but he doesn't act like one.​

Well ... get ready to meet him. ​

» LuciRuki Presents: My Life As A Rocket «​

The prologue is there to set your mind to what kind of story you are getting into. It does not reflect the way I write using description. I written the prologue with hardly any description, literary techniques or any devices whatsoever. It is meant to be written the way it is. Bland, and vague. I would also like to mention about my grammar. I know it needs work. I try really hard, but speaking 4 different languages, it does get tough. If you would like to critique some sections, please do. =]​

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Prologue​

You might wonder how a person becomes an unlucky Rocket. Well, I know. You see, it wasn't my choice to become a Rocket. My family has been loyal grunts to the organization for almost twenty years. Every year, we would go to the stupid Christmas parties where Giovanni (our leader) himself would say the same lame toast. He would stand at the end of the long laminate table and raise his wine glass.​

"To another year of torment," he would yell. Then almost naturally, he would look at me. He doesn't like me, and he knows that I don't like him. That is why I never talk to him. My mother always yelled at me for never taking a liking to our boss. She would go on for hours on how his family helped ours. I mean if it was up to my mother, she would find a way to take a simple old rock and make it a frickin' face of the old man. I'm sure she would sit and carve the rock until she is satisfied on the outcome. I feel for her, I truly do. But, we both have our opinions. For her, everything is about Giovanni. I am sick and tired of this. My whole life has been a waste. It has been devoted to a notorious criminal organization for the capture of pokemon. I mean, comon' get a real job. I'm sure they need fast food employees somewhere.​

So, now you are probably also wondering why I haven't quit Team Rocket. Well, the answer is... I can't, unless I want to be killed. It's kind of like working in the office; punch in, punch out. Role call every morning. God forbid you're sick one day, because then they will come to your door to see what the hell is wrong. If you aren't vomiting like thirty miles - per - hour, you're fine. Giovanni likes it when all his employees are hard at work. If you try and escape, they will track you down and beat you senseless. That is what I was born to. A life of misery, hate, and crime. I sweat, I bleed and all I get is a measly thirty dollars a day. Yes, thirty. Uh huh. Exactly. That's their standard rate for grunts. I get all holidays off and every other weekend. You want to hear the funny part? I just started getting paid last year.​

Sometimes I wish that I could be a priveledged grunt. You know, the ones that get to work at their own pace, steal what they want, hardly ever having to report to the boss and ride around a hot air balloon all day. I mean they get to travel the world if they want. And me, I live at headquarters just like everyone else. Headquarters is more or less like a huge steel building, housing hundreds of Rockets. Each family gets their own room, that is square in shape. Cramped, and cold the rooms have 3 beds, a small kitchen, one washroom and a television. Wake up calls are at 6AM for the Rockets on duty, and our curfews are at 10 PM. It's like a prison. Except we don't get raped. Wait - Scratch that. If you're male, you don't get raped. Uhh. Scratch that again. Mmh, nevermind. It is a prison.​

All around the headquarters you see innocent pokemon caged up in cramped quarters. Many hardly have any food, and sometimes if you're unlucky, you see the dead pokemon just lying in their cage. Their lives taken away from them for profit. It sickens me.​

The one good thing though about headquarters is the fact that I don't have to live with Giovanni or see his disgraceful face. The big rotten, mouldy, smelly cheese lives on his own, with his retard of a pokemon, Persian. Instead, we have a head Rocket, Henrietta, and oh boy is she nice. She loves to talk and have a good time, I'll tell you. She is probably the only Rocket that I can talk to (besides my mother). She believes in all aspects of anti-cruelty to pokemon, but like me she is doomed to stay with Team Rocket until she hits the blast off age. What is the blast off age, you ask? It's a day better than Christmas. The blast off age is the day when you are allowed to leave Team Rocket. Everyday I mark a huge "X" on my calendar, counting down the days until I can leave. Only thirty-eight years, one hundred and twelve more days. Joy. I'll probably die here. Maybe I'll fake my own death, and be carried out by a coffin. Perfect. Anywhere is better than here.​

I'm Luther, and this is my life as a Rocket.​

End of Prologue​

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Comments always welcome. Thank you.​

 

[RedJ]

Nice, except...

Every year, we would go to the stupid Christmas parties where Giovanni (our leader) himself would say the same lame toast. He would stand at the end of the long laminate table and raise his wine glass.

"To another year of torment," he would yell.​

​

I dont think Giovanni would say something like this...maybe along those lines, but nowhere near that. And also...since when did Rockets celebrate Christmas? Rockets would more than likely be busy screwing up Christmas than celebrating.

But other than that, keep up the good work^^

 

[Lukespade]

you know usually wen i see these "Team Rocket" fan fics. i thnk... another dumb idea... but i really like this. plz keep writin. o and 1 question: wen u say the rockets that can trval the world and stuff do u mean like jessie and james or like the masked marauder? ( if you don't know who the masked marauder is he is the bad guy from the 4th movie.)

 

[Mira]

I liked it. It's really sarcastic and right up my alley ^.^ keep it up.

 

[LuciRuki]

Nice, except...
[/left]

I dont think Giovanni would say something like this...maybe along those lines, but nowhere near that. And also...since when did Rockets celebrate Christmas? Rockets would more than likely be busy screwing up Christmas than celebrating.

But other than that, keep up the good work^^

How would you know what he would or wouldn't say. LOL =]

you know usually wen i see these "Team Rocket" fan fics. i thnk... another dumb idea... but i really like this. plz keep writin. o and 1 question: wen u say the rockets that can trval the world and stuff do u mean like jessie and james or like the masked marauder? ( if you don't know who the masked marauder is he is the bad guy from the 4th movie.)

exactly =]

I liked it. It's really sarcastic and right up my alley ^.^ keep it up.

thanks a lot!!

-LuciRuki-

 

[Rabbit]

Your grammar is terrible but your writing is great. I especially like the details. Square apartments, checking on you if you claim to be sick - that last one reminds me of the Metamorphosis. Any chance you were thinking of that?

"Uhh. Scratch that again." - Lolll.

One question - why would Rockets keep Pokemon caged up and starve them to death? How does that make profit? I thought they stole Pokemon to sell them on the black market.

 

[JX Valentine]

Side note, but...

How would you know what he would or wouldn't say. LOL =]

You know by looking at how they act in canon (games, anime, et cetera) and going from there.

I'm a little inclined to agree that it's odd Giovanni would have his grunts celebrate Christmas at all, considering he's usually geared towards work. (Not to mention it seems to contradict the fact that the place is meant to be like a prison. Unless the narrator is exaggerating, at which point, it's fine.)

It also sounds a little like something someone just a kick short of hanging himself would say. I know you're probably going for evil (as in, Giovanni is essentially saying, "Here's to us being evil for another year!"), but I just don't think that, given how eloquent he is in the games (at least), he'd stop at a one-liner like that. 'Course, this also depends on which version of Giovanni you're going with. His personality differs from canon to canon.

A couple of other notes:

1. Since English is (assuming) not your native language (given the fact that you've mentioned you speak multiple), I'm going to advise you to get a beta reader. Now, your grammar isn't that terrible (given I've seen worse, including in one of your reviewers), but if you acknowledge it's not perfect, chances are, you'll want someone who can look over your stuff.

I will say, though, that you've got some oddities, such as:

I feel for her, I truly do.

^ Comma splice. Replace the comma with a period. Notice how you've got two sentences as a result? Check sentences you're putting commas into like that. It's called the period test, and it'll really help you avoid run-ons.

I mean, comon' get a real job.

^ "Come on." I think you were aiming for "c'mon," but... yeah.

Also, this is actually a run-on as well. "Come on" is an exclamation, and "get a real job" is an imperative. As in, you've got a command and an expression occurring in the same sentence.

There were other oddities as well, and I can offer a full review of them if you ask.

2. There were a couple of strange points of logic, some of which I assume you're going to bring up later:

A. The fact that Giovanni seems to have singled out the narrator. I realize Luther's there against his will, but given the number of employees under Giovanni, unless he's plotting a revolution or the son of an executive, I don't think the boss would care. After all, Luther's otherwise being a good little boy and following orders (from what you've implied by how Luther has yet to be killed for defying the Rocket way), so it seems odd that Giovanni would pay any attention to him when he really has more important things to do.

B. I'll have to agree with Rabbit concerning the logic behind abusing Rockets. Ultimately, Giovanni's out to make a profit. Replacing workers and covering up dead ones would cost money and resources, and productivity would seriously be crap. (Usually, if your workers aren't happy, your results aren't as great as they can be.) So, there's really no benefit in torturing the people working under you. The prisoners, on the other hand, go right ahead.

C. You mention that the field agents (assuming like Jessie and James) are privileged. Actually, they aren't. Jessie and James have mentioned on a number of occasions that their schemes actually need loans/their funding had been cut, once to the point where their membership had actually been revoked without their knowledge. ("Dues and Don'ts") Additionally, they're regarded as fools to Giovanni ("Island of the Giant Pokemon"), and I believe it's been stated that fieldwork (such as sending them to Hoenn) is just a ruse to get them out of his way.

The narration itself is good, however. You've established a potentially interesting character, and the concept of observing a member of Team Rocket at work sounds cool and workable. You just need to iron out the oddities here and there. Get a beta, take a closer look at canon, that sort of thing. Now, I don't mean to be a canon nazi or anything. It's just that because you're writing fanfiction, you've got certain details to think about on top of everything else or the fans of the thing you're writing about will start asking questions. (*motions to the earlier comment about how Giovanni wouldn't actually make that kind of toast*)

Other than that, not bad, and good luck.

 

[LuciRuki]

Hmm, I am loving all this constructed criticism! Thank you all very much. I believe that a lot of your questions will be explained as I post more chapters! As well, I would LOVE to have full time betas!

P.S. To answer a few questions. The events in this story are completely through my eyes. Team Rocket really don't care about the treatment of their animals, thus letting them die off. It doesn't matter for them, because they can easily steal another. Giovanni's character will be written a bit differently in this fan-fic rather than the way he is portrayed in the games and animé. =]

-LuciRuki-

 

[JX Valentine]

Team Rocket really don't care about the treatment of their animals, thus letting them die off.

Canonically, yes, Team Rocket really doesn't care about Pokemon. In fact, throughout the various media, it's implied (sometimes explicitly stated -- see their oath in GSC) that they only see Pokemon as tools to further their goals.

Employees, however, might be a different story.

Giovanni's character will be written a bit differently in this fan-fic rather than the way he is portrayed in the games and animé. =]

To be honest, this makes me wary. Remember, you are writing fanfiction, so you're actually bound by canon one way or another (because of the fan- prefix). Slight deviations are one thing. Completely disregarding how he actually acts in the media is another. How much is a "bit"?

 

[Rabbit]

I feel for her, I truly do.

-shifty eyes- I vote to keep this sentence unchanged. Not to start a war over a comma...but the narrative so far has been written in a fairly relaxed style, full of colloquial language. The style works well with the character and POV. This sentence in particular reads a lot like natural speech - people really do say this phrase as one sentence, not two. Breaking it up makes it more grammatically correct, but considering the consistent lapses in grammar used elsewhere, it would be more jarring to see the grammatical rule upheld.

Team Rocket really don't care about the treatment of their animals, thus letting them die off.

Okay, but that still doesn't answer my question. Why are the Pokemon there? Furthermore, if the Rockets don't care about what happens to them, wouldn't it be more effective to simply euthanize them, saving the bother of cages, space, feed, and the smell they must create? They could sell the pelts and body parts for extra cash.

 

[JX Valentine]

-shifty eyes- I vote to keep this sentence unchanged. Not to start a war over a comma...but the narrative so far has been written in a fairly relaxed style, full of colloquial language. The style works well with the character and POV. This sentence in particular reads a lot like natural speech - people really do say this phrase as one sentence, not two. Breaking it up makes it more grammatically correct, but considering the consistent lapses in grammar used elsewhere, it would be more jarring to see the grammatical rule upheld.

First off, be careful. Not all those lapses may be intentional. Remember that grammatical error really isn't colloquial style and that the author acknowledges that there are problems somewhere in the narration. It's difficult to tell what is and isn't meant to be there, in other words, unless we can get some feedback about that from the author himself. (As in, a note that essentially reads, "Oh yeah. Most of this is totally what I meant to do.")

Not to mention the fact that first person prose =/= "It's okay to break grammar." I don't mean to sound biting or anything, but seriously, don't. The occasional speech oddity (e.g., "me and my friends") is fine, but if you encourage yourself to break grammar because it's first person, you're encouraging yourself write an unreadable (not that this is particularly horrendous at all -- in fact, it's far from that dark place compared to others I've seen) piece because it's "in the voice of the narrator."

Second, for me, the comma seems to signal the reader to flow from one piece to another in a fairly unnatural way. As in, it's literally meshing the two ideas together, rather than separating them. So, you're essentially rushing through that sentence nearly without a pause, so the words stumble a bit over one another, if that makes sense. The sentence would probably read a bit more naturally anyway if you inserted a longer pause -- which would be signaled by a period, not a comma. I would suggest that the author read the sentence aloud twice: first with a slight pause (a comma) and then with a longer pause (a period).

Third, weren't you the one to say the writer's "grammar was terrible"? >_> I mean, it's one thing to say his grammar needs work. It's another thing to say that it sucks without mentioning why and then say it's perfectly okay to do that kind of thing anyway. For the poor guy's sake, don't confuse him.

 

[Rabbit]

Third, weren't you the one to say the writer's "grammar was terrible"? >_> I mean, it's one thing to say his grammar needs work. It's another thing to say that it sucks without mentioning why and then say it's perfectly okay to do that kind of thing anyway. For the poor guy's sake, don't confuse him.

^_^; Oh man, I did say that. Well, in an attempt to clarify what I mean:

You know, the ones that get to work at their own pace, steal what they want, hardly ever having to report to the boss and ride around a hot air balloon all day.

This is (I think) an example of a run-on sentence. The structure is grammatically incorrect, but it's perfectly okay in speech, and I don't think it's especially jarring to the reader. However, one thing in the sentence is. "Hardly ever having to report to the boss" should be "hardly ever have to report to the boss". I can't remember the technical name for that sort of thing, but it has something to do with tenses. Work, steal, have, and ride are all in the same form. When they aren't, the sentence is irritating to read.

Another thing is commas missing or in the wrong place, as in "Then, almost naturally, he would look at me."

Run on sentences, however, don't bother me.

As for the comma in "I feel for her, I truly do," it seems to have come down to personal opinon of what looks and sounds better. Google search favours the comma, though. "I feel for him I really do" finds a handful of examples with a period, most with a comma, a few without punctuation at all (we'll ignore those).

And now I promise to say no more about the comma. >_> Me and my Grammar Nazi tendencies.

 

[JX Valentine]

Google search favours the comma, though.

Side note: Google search is not the best way to check for grammar, considering proper English grammar tends to be a rare thing on the internet. (Many of the hits I'm getting in which the comma is used, for example, are actually lyrics.) It's actually still grammatically incorrect because it's a comma splice. You have two different subjects there with two different predicates -- as in, two sentences you're trying to merge into one. It's just a matter of whether or not it sounds okay while being grammatically incorrect that's the point here.

 

[Rabbit]

It's just a matter of whether or not it sounds okay while being grammatically incorrect that's the point here.

Exactly. I'm not saying that it's grammatically correct. I'm saying that it looks and sounds better than the alternative.

 

[LuciRuki]

Hmm, it looks like my writing causes more irritation than anything else. LOL Well, I enjoy writing because it helps me develop my english, as well as working on my other langauges. I'm very thankful you guys are helping me out! But, maybe a tad less critical? y/n?

Chapter 1 will be up very soon. Hold on!!

-LuciRuki-