[Pokémon] “Crystalia Chronicles” Teaser

[DEWGgaming]

A heart-wrenching teaser of my upcoming fan fiction "Pokémon: The Crystalia Chronicles", featuring Trainer Liam and his Riolu/Lucario Aaron:

"Metagross! Finish him off! Zen Headbutt!" But Aaron had already fainted; this would be too much. The monstrous Pokémon slammed the small, helpless Riolu, severely crushing him into a wall.
"Aaron!!" Liam screamed.
Gym leader Esperanza called back her Metagross, a look of regret on her face, "I–"
What happened to Liam next would just be remembered as a blur: He felt weak, that was for certain. He saw the near-lifeless body of his partner; it was like watching a brother die. Liam picked up Aaron's broken body and ran as fast as he could, tears in his eyes, to the Pokémon Center. He laid Aaron on the counter, then collapsed and blacked out; reawakening on a chair in a room with Aaron, who was in a small hospital bed with an oxygen mask on his face. Aaron was nearly completely covered in bandages from head to toe.
Liam weakly stepped over to the bed, "I'm sorry..." He felt ready to collapse, seeing his partner in such pain, "I couldn't stop her..."
"Lee... lee..." Aaron slowly opened his eyes.
Liam started to cry, "Don't leave me... You're one of my best friends..."
"Thank... you...", Aaron wheezed, deeply breathing between words. He closed his eyes back. He grimaced, "Hurts... so... much... But... I can't... sleep... Won't... wake... up..."
"You can't..."
"Lee... lee..... F-friend....." he trailed off and his heart rate slowed, but never stopped.
"No," Aaron stated defiantly; his voice deepened, "I refuse to die." With these words, a white glow covered the broken Riolu! He was forcing himself to evolve! As he grew, Aaron's bandages tore and the mask affixed to his face was ripped off as well. He gave a loud roar and it was done; Aaron had evolved into a Lucario. Nurse Joy walked in, and dropped the tray with the medicine for Aaron to the floor; she clearly had not seen such an event occur before. Aaron put a hand to his head.
"Well, my body doesn't hurt anymore," he said, "but now I've got the most skull-splitting headache." Liam didn't know what to say. He just sat there.
"Come on, help me up," Aaron requested of Liam, "Never mind, I've got it." Aaron laid his feet on the floor, and immediately collapsed; Liam rushed over to help the Lucario up.
"Just my luck," Aaron said, "My legs are broken."
"At least you're alive," Liam said, tears dried up under his eyes.
"I wasn't meant to evolve yet."
"But thank goodness you did."
"Indeed."
"But how am I to defeat Esperanza without my prized partner?"
"You remember that Absol that ran by as we walked into the gym?"
"Yeah, what about it?
"You'll need to catch him: Dark types are immune to psychic attacks."
"Alright. I'll get that Absol and beat Esperanza's Metagross. Good luck on your recovery." And Liam left to catch the wild Absol.

 

[Bay]

Hi there, and welcome to the fanfic section! Dropping by to mention a couple things here.

First off, the rules in the thread state that you must post your short story/chapter in full, so teaser are not allowed. I'm assuming what you posted here isn't exactly the beginning of the chapter with the way you have the line "But Aaron had already fainted" there. So yeah, you need to post the full chapter at least.

While I'm still here, I do want to point out your pacing real quick.

Gym leader Esperanza called back her Metagross, a look of regret on her face, "I–"
What happened to Liam next would just be remembered as a blur: He felt weak, that was for certain. He saw the near-lifeless body of his partner; it was like watching a brother die. Liam picked up Aaron's broken body and ran as fast as he could, tears in his eyes, to the Pokémon Center. He laid Aaron on the counter, then collapsed and blacked out; reawakening on a chair in a room with Aaron, who was in a small hospital bed with an oxygen mask on his face. Aaron was nearly completely covered in bandages from head to toe.

There's a lot going on in one paragraph. You have Liam running away to the Pokemon Center and then awake in a hospital. I would have Aaron reawakening in a different paragraph.

So yeah, I would advise publishing the full first chapter so I can properly comment on it on what's good and what needs work. Good luck with your writing!

 

[DEWGgaming]

First of all, thank you so much for the welcome, Bay! It feels so good to be welcomed into a community like this. :boogie:

Secondly, I've just posted the first full chapter of my story, so feel free to check it out whenever you've got the time.