[Pokémon] A GOOD Pokemon Story, Help Finish It

[joeyblack]

"Pip Pip!" The piplups happily cried in a never ending chorus.
It was a pleasently cool and breezy day on the Mahoganny Ice Rift, the sun was shining lazily through the thin, wispy clouds. The ocean hissed against the huge ice slabs that went on for miles and miles. It was a perfect day. A day where everything's just to perfect. Everyone can feel it, when the days going by without a ciche and as you think to yourself, "Could this get any better"...that's when the worst thing of your life happens.
"Piplup!!" Tyro called. He jumped down the ice slide and flopped on his stomach. He closed his eyes against the sharp wind but still, he was having so much fun. He enjoyed the feeling of the slick ice against his pouffy down. He landed in the water with a huge splash.
"Pip Pip Pip!" He exclaimed as he resurfaced. He scrambled back onto the ice floe and got back in line for the slide again.
"WALL!!!" a booming voice croaked. The piplups looked around in confusion, never having heard such a noise before.
Several minutes passed and as the piplups hurrily forgot about the cry, another one sprang from the ocean even closer than before. "WALLLL!!!!!"
The sky seemed to darken as drab rain clouds were slowly rolling in to mark the time as "go back home" to the piplups. The piplups began to finish one last round on the ice slide when the rain started with buckets full - no drizzle, no forewarning.
As the last piplup before Tyro slid down into the dark waters of the ice-cold ocean, they all jumped when they heard a piercing scream. "PPPPIIIIPPPPPP!!!!!!!!"
A piplup ran over to the edge of the floe and looked into the water. At that moment, the water erupted into chaos.
"WWWAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!" The water shreiked as dozens of walrein shot out of the depths and charged onto the ice at break-neck speed, their eyes aglow with malice.

 

[Alter Ego]

Where to begin...

First off, when posting fanfiction on these forums, you should always submit at least a full chapter right off the bat. What you have here is just a very short, sketchy beginning to something that might grow to be called a fanfic chapter but certainly isn't one yet. If you want to do a joint effort with people, that's all well and good, but you should set up who you do it with and what you're going to write before posting, not to mention that simply going 'hey, someone else finish this' is not going to cut it. Cooperative efforts are still subject to the same standards as lone ones, you know.

Second, your grammar...please use a full line separation when switching paragraphs; otherwise your story is going to look hunched up and messy. Also, please don't abuse exclamation marks. One will do, no matter how loudly someone is shouting, so bits like this

"PPPPIIIIPPPPPP!!!!!!!!"

or this

"WWWAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!"

Should be parred down to a single exclamation mark each. Your diction is...okay in general, though how the water could possibly 'shriek' I will never know, but...really, what you have here isn't rightly a full chapter. Just writing a few paragraphs and then throwing your hands up into the air and going 'right, someone else do the rest' is not how we do things around here. Nobody is going to come around and finish your story if you don't even explain what you're trying to get done here. :\

 

[Astinus]

Alter Ego explained what's wrong with your thread in a much clearer way than I could ever hope for.

Read over the rules of this section, as you'll see that there are some quality standards I try to uphold here, and that you should not post "unfinished" work. It's all right if you want someone else to collab with you, but there should be some idea of what you're going for. The Christmas Carol Crackfic in the Lounge is a good example of what I'm talking about.