Abbie's Magnificant Story

[Abbie Turner]

Chapter One​

Abbie Turner, a 10 year old girl that had blonde hair and blue eyes and wore a white hat, a pink shirt, a white skirt, and white shoes was walking in a beautiful graden that had many roses and daisies. Abbie kept on walking in the garden and then she exhaled a magnificent aroma in the air. The aroma smelt so beautiful that it led her to an open meadow with many Chikorita, Bayleef, and Meganium.

"Look at all of these beautiful looking pokemon," Abbie said to herself while still having her nose up in the air. "This is so amazing to see all of these pokemon gathering around the beautiful sun,"

Abbie walked around the meadow and touched all of the Meganium to feel what they felt like. When she was lifting her hands smoothly on the Meganuim's body, a huge glaze of aroma shot out of the petal around its neck and was lifted into the air towards the many Bayleef and Chikorita. Abbie was done touching the Meganium and then she just stood and looked at all of the pokemon.

"Wow, the aroma was so strong with the sunlight that all of the Chikorita and Bayleef are evolving," said Abbie with her eyes glaring into the sun. "What? Look at that Chikorita, it didn't evolve yet,"

Abbie walked towards the Chikorita and looked at it. The Chikorita looked sad and lonely and when she looked at Abbie, it was cheery.

"Do you want to come with me?" asked Abbie to Chikorita while kneeling over. "If you want to, just follow me,"

Abbie turned around and walked back to the garden with Chikorita following her by her side. Abbie was close to home and Chikorita was getting tired of walking so Abbie grabbed her and held her closely to her chest much as possible with all her love and care for the Chikorita. Abbie was finally at home and she opened the door. She was inside and then she put down Chikorita so it can play inside the house.

"I'm glad that I have this beautiful Chikorita," Abbie said to herself while sitting on the kitchen counter.

"I am also," said Abbie's mom while walking inside the house. "Come on out Scyther, it's okay, it's just Abbie and her new Chikorita,"

Abbie's mom's Scyhter walked towards the kitchen from the bedroom and saw the Chikorita by Abbie's side. It knew that the Chikorita was new to the family so it kneeled next to it and gently rubbed its head without a scratch behind.

"Look mom, Scyther is welcoming Chikorita to the family," said Abbie. "I think I'll train Chikorita a little bit in the backyard,"

"Okay dear, you go do that while I make dinner," said Abbie's mom while opening the refridgerator door to see what's there to cook.

Abbie and Chikorita walked outside to train and behind them was Scyther watching Chikorita. Abbie looked at Chikorita and it looked fresh and ready to battle.

"Alright Chikorita, use Tackle against the tree," Abbie said while holding the tree.

Chikorita started to look angry and it ran towards the tree. When Chikorita rammed into the tree, it got hurt and when Abbie saw the pain in Chikorita's eyes, she felt bad for her and kissed her head for good luck and for respect of what she did for the Chikorita so far.

"Alright Chikorita, use Tackle again when ever you're ready too," Abbie said while watching her from the behind.

"Make sure to make Chikorita to learn Razor Leaf before you leave for you own pokemon adventure tomorrow," Abbie's mom said while leaning next to the front door with Scyther next to her.

Chikorita was ready and then she ran as fast as she could and when her head touched the tree with all her might, she felt dizzy and when Abbie looked at the tree, the tree had a scratch on it.

"Good job Chikorita, now are you ready for the next one?" asked Abbie while rubbing the tree.

Chikorita was ready and so Abbie told Scyhter to come out and train with Chikorita.

"Alright Scyther, everytime Chikorita has a leaf coming towards you, I want you to chop it with your scyths alright," Abbie said while kneeling down to sit on the grass. "Okay, now use Razor Leaf Chikorita,"

Chikorita and Scyther was ready to begin training again and then Chikorita lifted its head high and quickly shot its head towards Scyther while leaves shot out of it's head. Scyhter was ready to claw down the leaves and then when the leaves came, the leaves were gone in a flash.

"Alright Chikorita, use Razor Leaf again," Abbie said while walking towards her mom.

When Chikorita was training with Scyther, Abbie and her mom knew that it was time to start her own pokemon adventure so Abbie told Chikorita it was enough training today and prepared dinner. After dinner, Abbie and Chikorita was walking upstairs to go in their room and while they wre walking up the stairs, her mom and Scyther was watching them closely.

"Alright Scyther, tomorrow when Abbie and Chikorita leaves tomorrow, I want you to watch their back," Abbie's mom said to Scyhter while whispering so Abbie wouldn't hear.

Abbie and Chikorita got in their room and Abbie layed down on her bed while Chikorita was looking around her room. A few hours later when Abbie and Chikorita was sleeping, Scyther came up and just looked at Chikorita and thought of what her future would've been like if she didn't meet Abbie.

 

[Elite Overlord LeSabre™]

I'll start off with spelling and grammar, and my changes are in bold type.

Abbie Turner, a ten year old girl, was walking in a beautiful garden that had many roses and daisies. She had blonde hair and blue eyes and wore a white hat, a pink shirt, a white skirt, and white shoes

Couple notes here:
First, numbers under a hundred are usually written out unless you're reading them from a book, sign, etc.
Second, in your effort to describe, you had created a big run-on sentence. I broke it up into two sentences and separated her physical description into its own sentence.

and then she inhaled a magnificent aroma in the air.

Inhaling is taking in breaths, smells, etc. Exhaling is letting out breaths.

gathering around the beautiful sun."

There are several places throughout where you end a quotation with a comma even when nothing follows it. See the stickied Grammar Advice that I wrote up for more help on this. But basically, if no speaker tag follows a quote, just end it as you would a normal sentence.

held her closely to her chest as much as possible with all her love and care

put down Chikorita so it could play inside the house.

gently rubbed its head without leaving a scratch behind.

while opening the refrigerator door to see what was there to cook.

use Tackle again whenever you're ready to

Abbie told Scyther to come out and train with Chikorita.

"Alright Scyther, every time Chikorita has a leaf coming towards you, I want you to chop it with your scythes, alright?" Abbie said while kneeling down to sit on the grass. "Okay, now use Razor Leaf, Chikorita,"

Chikorita and Scyther were ready to begin training again

while leaves shot out of its head.

her mom and Scyther were watching them

when Abbie and Chikorita were sleeping,

Grammar problems that kept cropping up included tense mix-ups, was/were number agreement, and ending every quote with a comma. The Grammar Advice thread in the Author's Lounge details most of the rules on using punctuation and quotations.

I do have a question: Was Abbie in the garden with the specific purpose of selecting a starting Pokemon? Was this a garden set aside with Chikorita who were specifically meant to be starting Pokemon? Or was she just randomly in that field and decided to take one of them home?

I'm asking this because it would help explain why the rest of the Pokemon in the garden weren't scared or defensive when she walked right up to them. If these Pokemon are specifically trained as starters, then they would be used to humans and the behavior would be understandable. But if she walked on a group of wild Grass-types, I don't think they would have been quite as welcoming.

With that said, I feel like Abbie bonded with her Chikorita a bit too soon. Also, she didn't really fear Scyther, despite probably never having seen one before. In both instances, it might have helped to show that the Chikorita had some hesitation and fear, but eventually realized that Abbie and Scyther meant no harm and slowly opened up to them. This would also really help in developing the personality and character of all three.

Having said all that, I liked what I saw here for the most part. Your character is getting a Pokemon in a way that doesn't involve a professor named after a tree, and you'll have the extra element of having a Scyther keep tabs on the travelers while keeping out of sight. If you slow down a bit and take some time with explaining things, I think there's a lot of potential here.

Good luck!

 

[Abbie Turner]

Chapter Two​

The next morning rose up from the horizon and Abbie with Chikorita got up from their bed and walked into their bathroom. Abbie brushed her teeth and took a shower while Chikorita just sat there on the counter. Half an hour later, Abbie and Chikorita came out of the bathroom and Abbie was wearing a green hat, a green necklace, a light-green shirt, a green skirt, and white shoes.​

Abbie grabbed Chikorita and walked downstairs and saw her mom and dad sitting down at the dinning room table eating breakfast.​

"Good morning mom and dad," Abbie said while she was still walking down the stairs.
"Good morning Abbie," her mom said while walking towards the stairs.
"I think I'm ready to start my adventure," Abbie said while she was grabbing her trainer belt.​

Abbie kissed her mom and dad and then she walked out of the door with Chikorita following her by her side. Abbie's mom and Scyther watched her daughter and Chikorita from behind and then Scyhter did his thing and ran into the woods so Abbie and Chikorita wouldn't see him.​

"Alright Chikorita, let's start of by walking in Route 29 and catch us a pokemon," Abbie said while she was putting in her pokeballs on to her belt.​

While Abbie and Chikorita was walking in Route 29, they spotted a Pidgey in the wild. Abbie was amazed to see a Pidgey here in the Johto Region.​

"Alright Pidgey, prepare to be caught," Abbie said while she was holding a pokeball. "Go pokeball!"​

Abbie threw the pokeball and the Pidgey blocked it because it didn't get hurt yet.​

"That's right," Abbie said while kneeling down towards Chikorita. "Go and use Razor Leaf Chikorita,"​

Chikorita walked in front of Pidgey and lifted her head and swung it towards the wild Pidgey. Leaves came out of her head and when the leaves came towards the Pidgey, it wouldn't fly anywhere because the leaves were flying all over. The wild Pidgey suddenly flew down from the air and laid on the ground.​

"Alright Chikorita, you've done a great job," Abbie said while she was grabbing another pokeball. "ALright now, go pokeball!"​

Abbie threw the pokeball towards the wild fainted Pidgey. The pokeball opened up and it transfered the wild Pidgey into it. Abbie was excited that she caught her first pokemon.​

"Yeah! I caught my first pokemon!" Abbie said while she was jumping up in the air.​

Abbie put the pokeball on her belt and kept on walking on Route 29. A few minutes later, she finally arrived in the small ranged city of Cherrygrove City. Abbie looked at Chikorita and she looked at Abbie and then they both smiled at each other because they made it to the first city without getting challenged by another pokemon trainer.​