Alpha Shadow

[Krystallyn]

Prologue

The eight Leads stepped into the moonlit clearing and approached the Alpha, an old russet colored male. Each wolf's pelt and eyes reflected their ability. The Alpha studied the wolves before him, knowing few of them would like what must be said.

" You summoned us?" a reddish male said, dipping his head respectfully.

The old Alpha nodded. "That I did, Pyre," he said calmly. "I've summoned all of you here to tell you something of high priority.

"This is how it must be. I must choose a wolf to take my place when my time comes."

"This we know," muttered a sand colored male, "but which wolf is best suited for the job?"

"Perhaps, Zirconia?" suggested a light brown female.

A muscular white male nodded, while a yellowish male barked, "Of course! She'd be great!"

A dark brown female commented logically, "She is young and strong, and has a great mind."

The Alpha studied the seven wolves complimenting Zirconia, then turned to the only silent one, a small white female. "Well, Frost, you're unusually silent. What are your thoughts of Zirconia?"

With eight older wolves watching her, Frost shrunk a little, then stood up tall and voiced her concerns clearly.

"I believe Zirconia could do well, but I fear she would not be ready anytime soon. It's true, she is intelligent, but her intelligence does not give her wisdom, which every Alpha must have. Also, she's not the leaderly type. She shies away from all responsibility, leaving other wolves to clean up her messes.

"Her element may be unique, but that is not all there is to a respectable Alpha.An Alpha must set an example for all wolves to follow by being strong, caring, compassionate, brave, intelligent, loyal, and wise beyond their years. Zirconia does not fill all these rolls."

"Rusty, she has a point," commented a small, pale yellow female.

"That she does, Breeze," said Rusy, the current Alpha. "Any other suggestions?

Each Lead shook their head.

"No? How about among the pups?"

"Umm... Pansy, perhaps?" said the dark brown female.

"No, Forresta. Think harder!"

"Storm?" asked the yellow male.

"Now now, Sparx. You're not allowed to suggest your own pup," said the white-furred male. "That's why I suggest Splash."

"Torrent, Splash is your sister's pup, and most certainly not the wisest," said the sand colored male. "Sweeps is older, and more experienced."

"Squirrel is much more used to the forest," said the light brown female.

"Fauna, Windy could beat Squirrel anytime," said Breeze.

"Now, now, Breeze. You shouln't tell that to Ember," commented Pyre.

"Blizzard would be the best from my element," added Frost, "but the Alpha's element is supposed to be unique. We can't ignore that."

"Few in the forest are unique anymore, Frost," reminded Duster.

Mystery... the wind seemed to whisper.

Mystery... the trees echoed.

Thunder sounded nearby. Mystery...

Mystery... the river sang.

Mystery... a cackling fire added.

Mystery... birds chirped.

Mystery... the tumbling trash told.

Mystery... the mountaintop blizzard chorused.

As Alpha, Rusty could hear each sound, but each lead could listen only to their own element.

"I know what you are thinking," began Rusty, "and yes, I have chosen Mystery to succeed me."

"She is only seven moons old!" exclaimed Pyre angrily. "How can she wisely protect the entire forest?"

"She can do it," whispered Frost. "I have faith in her."

"But she has no element!" Pyre snapped, his fur flaming. "The Alpha is supposed to have a unique element, not be without one!"

Forresta calmly took a step back, while Torrent rushed forward to calm down his lifelong friend.

"Mystery is the wisest choice," Forresta commented, calm despite the burning wolf near her, "but shouldn't this decision be made nearer the time of your departure?"

Rusty faced her solemnly. "My time is near.About her element," he said, turning to face Pyre, "do not believe she does not have one, for that would make you foolish. She has one, and it is far more unique than any this forest has seen in a long time."

"What might that be?" Sparx asked, trying to imagine an element like that.

"I fear you will find out all too soon," Rusty whispered, half to himself.

Suddenly, he lifted his head and howled to the moon. Looking back to the confused leaders, he explained, "My time is near."

*__*__*__*__*__*__*__*__*

Mystery lay down next to her mother,feeling dreary after her day's lesson with Rusty, her mentor, followed by a hunting instruction with her sister, Zirconia. Suddenly, the young pup went rigid. She lifted her head to look the direction of the clearing where all the leads met with the Alpha monthly to give reports.

Facing that direction, her paws began to tingle. Mystery stood up, and bolted that direction, not understanding why, but knowing that something terrible was about to happen.

*__*__*__*__*__*__*__*__*

The leads padded up to the old Alpha, understanding that these were his last few moments. Rusty comforted them all in turn, then turned himself so that he was facing the direction of the nursery, where he could hear a sound growing constantly louder.

*__*__*__*__*__*__*__*__*

Mystery's paws were aching, but she pressed on, worry for her mentor giving her paws a life of their own.All that went through her mind was, It can't be. Not now. Not for Rusty. Not yet.

She crashed through the saplings surrounding the clearing, and nearly collided with a muscular, russet male she had never seen before. She could tell instantly that he was a Lead by the way he held himself.

Her attention wasn't on him, though. It was on the other grown wolves in the clearing. Each one of them was different, yet all held themselves with authority, giving them away as the Leads of the forest.

A shot rang through the air, pulling Mystery's attention to her mentor, who now had a small hole in chest where blood was squirting out from.

Mystery screamed, and scrambled past the leads to reach her dying mentor.

"Rusty!" she cried. "Rusty!"

"Mystery," Rusty rasped past the blood. "Protect them."

With that, the old Alpha breathed his last.

Mystery lifted her face skyward and howled, letting all of her grief and agony be released into that one howl.

All eight leads padded forward. A white female came and placed her muzzle on Mystery's shoulder.

"You are Alpha now, Mystery," she whispered to the distressed pup.

Mystery's head shot down. She looked around in confusion. Each Lead she looked at bowed their head, out of respect and submittal to the new Alpha.


*__*__*__*__*__*__*__*__*

I hope you liked the chapter!! This is my first fiction on PC, and I hope you like it.

Feedback would be greatly appreciated!! Also, This is an original fiction, and I own all copyrights to this story and its characters. :) Thank you!!

 

[zapdos926]

interesting how each wolf has it own element. cool story, you have talent, keep going :D

 

[Krystallyn]

Thank you zapdos!! I have the first chapter written, and will be posting it soon!!

 

[zapdos926]

cool, cant wait to read it. inever actually have a plot already forme in my head, ifyou clik on the link to my story, by reading the first ch. you can probably see that i just make things up as i go along, making it hard for me to make one scene gon forever likesome people, like txtelipse fr example. he takes months to write one chapter, i take, i dont know 3 hours at most. this looked lik it took btween 4 dys nd two weeks

 

[Krystallyn]

haha. Actually, It took me about 6 hours. :) I have a general storyline, but not the most elaborate. It has a few holes.

 

[zapdos926]

mine is completely made up. the longest sequence in my writing is thinking of what will happen next. XD

 

[Krystallyn]

I know exactly what you mean. :)

 

[Silawen]

Well, I didn't know this wasn't a pokémon story, but I'll see what I can do. ;)

~

Your writing techniques are pretty okay. I don't see any glaring errors - apart from forgetting the spacebar once or twice after a period/full-stop - and your punctuation certainly seems adequate enough. Kudos on that. ^^

The thing I do see some issues with is your storytelling. You have little to no description, apart from physical characteristics. There's apparently some sort of moonlit clearing, but that's really all we know about their surroundings. What kind of forest do they live in and what's the weather like? What's the terrain like, or the shrubbery? Can you tell us anything at all about what's going on, instead of focusing on what colours the wolves are?

With basic descriptions you don't give us enough, but with the wolves you give us too much. You don't have to describe and mention every wolf that you intend to use in your story. Unless they're going to be very important from the get go - which they weren't, looking at this prologue - you don't need to inform us about them. Mention them once they start becoming important.

The Alpha studied the seven wolves complimenting Zirconia

And yet you showed only four. Where did the other three go?

Now, the plot - or what I can see so far. Basically your main character is going to be this Mystery wolf, right? And you're going to describe her struggles as the leader of this pack. However, why is she the only possible choice for leader? Why not only of those 'Leads' you mention, who have much more experience than some useless pup? (Heck, is having an original power that important? Sounds difficult to always find someone with a neat power.) It just doesn't seem realistic. (Also, you alternate between using Lead and lead. Choose one.)

I also don't see the need for this prologue. You could have easily started with her first days as leader, or something, and have her reflect on the passing of the torch. You didn't need to write an entirely separate chapter for it.

That's really all I can say for now. Try to deepen your story. Add meat to it, don't just have their actions and words. Tell a story by showing us the world. (Meaning, describe what is going on and what it all looks like.) This isn't a movie, we don't see all the scenery and meaningful looks. We need you to take us by the hand and show it. ;) Maybe find a beta and work on it together?

Good luck!

 

[Krystallyn]

Thank you Silawen.

I know I forgot to add the other three Leads. That was a mix-up on my part.

I will try to be more descriptive with the future chapters. And, this chapter was somewhat necessary to the story. The first chapter skips to a year after this event, and will keep referring back to it.

Again, thank you Silawen for reviewing. :) Your criticism is highly appreciated.

 

[The Silver Prince]

I really like this one. I have loved wolves since I was three and I wanted to write a fic 'bout a pack of Arcanine... Anyways, back to the point. Your fic did not have many errors that I could spot. The storyline is unique, though it reminds me a bit of Thunder Cats. The passage is well written and emotions are portrayed nicely, if a bit abruptly.

 

[Krystallyn]

Thank you Silver Prince.

Umm... What is Thunder Cats?

 

[The Silver Prince]

LOLz. Thunder Cats is an anime about a group of talking humanoid cat family. There is a lion, a leopard.. you get the story.

 

[Krystallyn]

OOh... Ok. Haha. Here is chapter 1. (finally!!). Any suggestions on how Shadow should meet the pack? I ♥ story suggestions!!

Chapter 1

A year after her promotion to Alpha, Mystery watched in silence as two burly men struggled to wrestle a young black wolf into a wooden crate. She watched as they would gain a foot, and then lose two. Finally, a young woman came up behind the wolf and injected a purple liquid into him through a sharp, pointed object with a tube on one end. Within seconds, the black wolf collapsed, the drug having taken effect.

"I'm glad he's going to the wild. He's likely to survive there. Here, he would just kill every living thing out of sheer brutality," the woman said. She turned to face the wildlife center she called home.

Mystery was startled by her remark. The wolf did not seem violent, only scared. Why must humans take things all wrong? she thought to herself.

"Sorry, missy, but he isn't going to the wild. He's destined for Banff National Park," one of the men said, picking up the limp wolf with obvious difficulty.

"Still," the woman defended, "I'm glad he's leaving here. Maybe now the rest of the animals will stop acting all skittish."

Why would taking away a wolf calm down the animals? Mystery was perplexed by the behavior exhibited by the humans. Quietly, she sat on the bed of the truck.

The man carrying the crate set his burden down on the bed of the truck, not even noticing Mystery sitting there.

"He'll get along fine at the park," the other man said. "I hear there's a large pack of wolves there. Rumor has it they're mighty friendly."

Mystery glowed at the complement. "Thank you, sir," she barked.

"Well, I don't care what happens to him from now on, so long as he never shows his face around here again!" The lady stormed into the pastel yellow building.

Mystery looked around, deciding she should know where she was. She saw a pastel yellow building in front of a giant forest. A wire fence lined the scene. Mystery knew this had to be a dream. Why else would the humans be ignoring her? As the truck started, Mystery settled down, wanting to speak with the crated wolf.

After about ten minutes of driving down a deserted highway, Mystery gently scratched the crate. A low moan filled the air.

"Shh…" Mystery told the wolf. "They can't know you're awake."

"Mother?" a voice responded from the box.

"I am not your mother, wolf," Mystery chided.

"Wh… Who are you?" the crated wolf whimpered.

"My name is Mystery," Mystery told the wolf.

"What's going on? What do you want with me?"

"I am not the one wanting something from you. I am just a dream. The real question is, what do the humans want from you?"

"I want to go home! Where is my mother?"

"Calm down. I don't know. What I do know is that these humans are bringing you to my forest, and they are going to leave you there."

"But, why? What did I do to them?"

Mystery sighed, becoming annoyed by these ceaseless questions. "I don't know," she snapped, a tad harshly.

"I'm sorry," the wolf apologized, sounding sincere. "My name is Shadow."

"Hello, Shadow. I suppose you shall be joining my pack once you are left by the humans?"

"Why would I join your pack?"

"Well, it's either join or fight my most seasoned warrior till one of you dies."

Mystery felt the box shudder beneath her paws. "I believe I'd like to join."

"How old are you, Shadow?"

"Two years old, by human standards."

"Odd. You seem younger than that."

"Thank you, Mystery for that obvious remark."

Mystery smiled, glad to see he had a sense of humor. "Well, that would make you older than me. I'm only a year and seven months, by human standards."

"Really? Your voice doesn't exactly belay your age clearly. You sound much wiser than your years suggest."

"Thank you, I think…"

"So, what do I have to do to join your pack?"

"Well, you must first be somewhat approved by the Leads, then they will call for the Alpha to make the final decision. Fair warning, though, you must be polite and treat the Leads with respect."

"Who are the Leads? How will I treat them with respect if I don't even know who they are?"

Mystery smiled. "Believe me, you'll know. Get some rest. You'll need your energy for tomorrow. Tomorrow, you meet the pack."







Soo... Any chapter comments? Please? Storyline help?

 

[zapdos926]

That part was kind of confusing. Who's dream was it? Mystery's or shadows'? And if the humans couldn't tell she was there, how did shadow?

Other than that, you have a pretty good vocabulary, and the storyline is going relatively smoothly so far.

 

[Krystallyn]

That part was kind of confusing. Who's dream was it? Mystery's or shadows'? And if the humans couldn't tell she was there, how did shadow?

Other than that, you have a pretty good vocabulary, and the storyline is going relatively smoothly so far.

Thank you. :)

And it was a merging of both their dreams. Since Shadow was asleep and the humans were awake, only shadow could converse with Mystery, who was also in dream-state.

 

[zapdos926]

ok. that clears things up...? its still a bit confusing, but it helped.

 

[Krystallyn]

ok. that clears things up...? its still a bit confusing, but it helped.

Ok. :) Chapter two is on the drawing board right now. Hopefully I'll have it written by the weekend. *crosses fingers*

 

[Angel Protection]

Wow. I like Mystery. I couldn't find any mistakes with it. I think wolves make an interesting stoy. It reminds me of a series of books I read, but they were cats. Like I said, it's really amazing, I would love to read more of it. Please continue.

 

[Krystallyn]

Thank you, Angel!!! :D I'm glad you liked it. :D Any ideas on how Shadow should meet the pack?

 

[Angel Protection]

Hmn.. .how should Shadow meet the pack? Well he could wander off from Mystery and bump into some of the pack members. Like run into one of the Leads and get into trouble. That's 'bout all I can think of. I hope it helps.