Angry lyrics are angry

[Mr. L]

Note: What I think would work as a chorus is in bold.
Tonight I was listening to a lot of heavy punk/metal music and, well, this came out, I'm not sure where it came from but I'm in a band that would play this style of music (heavy/dark rock) so I'm thinking of showing this to my band mates, any feedback or help is greatly appreciated.


Dark Side of the Sun

I'm blind,
But my rage it still sees you,
My mind,
Is lost but wrath fights through,

You sang your song to me,
Now I'll scream it back to you,
So embrace this harmony,
Dance with me on the dark side,
Of the sun.

My patience,
Called in sick again today,
Your resistance,
Is futile in this fray,

You sang your song to me,
Now I'll scream it back to you,
So embrace this harm for me,
Dance with me on the dark side,
Of the sun.

I dont want to change the world,
I just want to take you from it,
I don't want to change the world,
I just want to destroy yours.




I'm thinking the chorus could be used as a bridge, with the last stansa/verse being repeated as a chorus, the structure isn't complete yet, thanks for reading =D

 

[Eliminator Jr.]

Okay, this isn't professional constructive criticism or anything, this is just my personal opinion of the lyrics. If you don't like my view on it then stuff me, go with what you originally wrote - it's your band. Anyway, good luck with the band, playing music is one of the best things you can do in life.

First off, I don't really see the significance of the "dark side of the sun". I know the sun doesn't have a dark side and maybe you mean for that to be a metaphor for something, I don't know, like a girl who had no dark side but you still managed to see one in her. Anyway, perhaps be a little more clear with whatever this means in the rest of the lyrics, as right now I'm not really understanding what the title of the song is suggesting. However if it's just there cos it sounds cool and doesn't have any secondary meaning for being there then whatever, that's cool :)

The way the words are structured in the first verse is pretty cool, like the rhyming of the blind and mind, but every second line having more words in it. But when you say "I'm blind", what are you implying? Like I can understand it could mean "I'm blinded by rage" but in that case the next line "but my rage, it still sees you" doesn't make sense - what is the singer (I'm presuming you) blinded by?

I don't listen to much of the metal side of things anymore, used to be a big fan when I was like twelve and thirteen and stuff so I'm probably out of touch with the way lyrics sound. When I first read it the chorus seemed lame-ish pop-punk (eg. Simple Plan, All-American Rejects, other-band-I-don't-like) but with more reading it got better and better. "You sang your song to me, now I'll scream it back to you," is a pretty cool line. Like maybe she (I'm assuming you're singing about a chick here, most songs are about significant others) is being hypocritical, like doing the exact same thing she told you not to do and you're screaming in rage at her contradiction, it sounds pretty cool when you think about it. Dancing on the darkside of the sun might be showing her the flaws you see in her... I don't know I'm not thinking about this much but yeah, there's multiple meanings that could come from this. Sounds pretty rad.

Okay, one line I have a problem with is "my patience called in sick today". It just doesn't fit in with the song and sounds like you're grasping at straws when trying to come up with lyrics. Sit down and try and think of a better line to put in here - "called in sick today" doesn't really suit a song about rage and is generally a cliched and overused lyrics (I can't give you any examples but it sounds like a lyric I've heard way too many times). Again, just reminding you if you don't like what I'm saying you can ignore me and there's no hard feelings, it's your song. Sorry if this seems harsh.

Don't have much to say about the second chorus, but I like how you changed one word of it to something similar sounding. I really like it when songs do that, it reminds me of this Broken Social Scene song (not from their new album thank god) where they sing the lyrics differently all the time, like the line goes from "I saw the geyser turn into life" into "I saw Gaza burst into flames" into "I saw Cranley turn into light". Anyway, that's not relevant, but just a heads up don't watch the video clip of that song. Not cool.

Aaaand the last verse is pretty self-explanatory. Sounds pretty awesome man. Hope you can turn it into an awesome song. Hope I helped :)

 

[monkeyandhead]

Dark Side of the Sun

I'm blind,
But my rage it still sees you,

I love the opening line, it sort of sets the tone for the rest of the song, best thing about this is that all the words fit in so perfectly.

My mind,
Is lost but wrath fights through,

I think this could use a little more work, "Is lost but wrath fights through" just doesn't really cut it, maybe "still fights through", but I think the main problem is the choice of using 'wrath'. But iunno, whatever suits you.

You sang your song to me,
Now I'll scream it back to you,
So embrace this harmony,
Dance with me on the dark side,
Of the sun.

As the person above said, dance with me on the dark side of the sun? There are times when you can be symbolic, but times when it just goes too far and causes confusion. I think you just need to change the sun bit, because a lot could fit in there. Maybe dance with me on the dark side of life? Iunno, it just needs something different.

My patience,
Called in sick again today,
Your resistance,
Is futile in this fray,

I think you need to take away the 'again'. It would be better as my patience called in sick today, the again just interferes with the sound of the words. The most important thing is that everything runs smoothly, and that words don't get too disjointed, if you understand what I mean.

You sang your song to me,
Now I'll scream it back to you,
So embrace this harm for me,
Dance with me on the dark side,
Of the sun.

I dont want to change the world,
I just want to take you from it,
I don't want to change the world,
I just want to destroy yours.

With this, I think "I just want to take you from it" should be changed to "I just want to take it from you", because mainly again the words run smoothly? But then you would have to change the last line as well, but as before it just seems to disjointed, it needs to run smoothly, just like the first two lines of the chorus, which I am a very big fan of.

Overall I think the idea isn't as clear as it could be, but it is very solid. Just take into account the few things I said. Sometimes it's good to write up a song on a piece of paper, leave it for a few hours or maybe a day, come back and then change the bits you don't like. Because remember, you can't write music if you can't write it for yourself.

You have parts that are just magnificent, but other parts where swapping some words around like simultaneous equations could take the lyrics much further.

Great job though :)

 

[TJgamer]

I agree with Eliminator Jr. and Monkeyandhead.
A few stanzas and lines could use a bit of work, but this could end up as a great song.
Of course, I can't critique any music unless I hear it.

 

[Mr. L]

Thanks a lot for all the feedback guys, I'm actually quite happy as I was expecting people to tell me this song was terrible (as I threw it together quite quickly at 2AM) so thanks very much for the praise and constructive criticism.

First off, I don't really see the significance of the "dark side of the sun". I know the sun doesn't have a dark side and maybe you mean for that to be a metaphor for something, I don't know, like a girl who had no dark side but you still managed to see one in her.

As the person above said, dance with me on the dark side of the sun? There are times when you can be symbolic, but times when it just goes too far and causes confusion. I think you just need to change the sun bit, because a lot could fit in there. Maybe dance with me on the dark side of life? Iunno, it just needs something different.

The dark side of the sun thing was the biggest critique my bandmates had, to be honest I just liked it as a title and tried to work it into the song, I didn't even think about what it could be a metaphor for, I just thought it sounded cool. This will probably be taken out if I edit this.

But when you say "I'm blind", what are you implying? Like I can understand it could mean "I'm blinded by rage" but in that case the next line "but my rage, it still sees you" doesn't make sense - what is the singer (I'm presuming you) blinded by?

I didn't know what it meant when I wrote this, I just liked it. After thinking about it a bit more I think it could symbolise how the person who's perspective this song is written from has been completely engulfed by rage, meaning they're blind because they no longer exist and their rage still sees them because their rage has completely taken over their mind, kind of like a split personality thing, I know that its a bit of a stretch and the line is pretty confusing though.

Okay, one line I have a problem with is "my patience called in sick today". It just doesn't fit in with the song and sounds like you're grasping at straws when trying to come up with lyrics. Sit down and try and think of a better line to put in here - "called in sick today" doesn't really suit a song about rage and is generally a cliched and overused lyrics

Thats a very good point, I didn't realise how common that kind of lyric is despite hearing it a million times before.

I think "I just want to take you from it" should be changed to "I just want to take it from you"

I like this idea as it makes the person the songs about sound like a egotistical control freak, however it also makes the person whos perspective this song is written from sound like one aswell (as you could say that they want to take it to keep it for themself). I do like the alternative line you gave me and you were right about it flowing better but I think I'll keep that verse as the vocal melody could work around it to help it fit and the line itself basically "I'm going to kill you, and nobody is going to care." which sounds completely horrible, but then again this song isn't too nice =D


I'm the guitarist in my band so I'm not very used to writing lyrics, what's probably going to happen with these is that the vocalist will edit them (Just like how I would if another member came up with a guitar riff). I may edit these myself in the future and if I do I will definately take all your notes into consideration, thank you very much for all your help and thank you for criticising my work in such a polite fashion.

 

[monkeyandhead]

I'm the guitarist in my band so I'm not very used to writing lyrics, what's probably going to happen with these is that the vocalist will edit them (Just like how I would if another member came up with a guitar riff). I may edit these myself in the future and if I do I will definately take all your notes into consideration, thank you very much for all your help and thank you for criticising my work in such a polite fashion.

If you're in a band, best thing would be if everyone is writing lyrics, honestly, because everyone gets ideas about songs, some of them could even be great, but they just pass them off.

 

[Mr. L]

If you're in a band, best thing would be if everyone is writing lyrics, honestly, because everyone gets ideas about songs, some of them could even be great, but they just pass them off.

Thats what we do, in fact the "This is the epic song that we finish gigs with" song was built from lyrics I wrote and the guitar strumming pattern for one of our songs came from our singer. We all contribute to everyones parts and they gradually change until the song is finished, its like sharing a big meal =D