[Pokémon] Arbok, Dawn, and Misty

[Brisingr122194]

Rated PG-14 Tragedy.
If any one wants to comment on this story just send me a pm or vm.
The arbok can talk, has hypnotic powers, and is a sixty foot shiny Arbok with red scales and green spots on his hood.
Dawn and Misty are both 17.



Dawn and Misty had decided they wanted a joint pokemon adoption. The pair were sitting in Dawn's room talking about what kind of pokemon they should adopt. Misty, although loving water types above all others still had a soft spot for the electric mouse Ash had owned
"How about a Pikachu?" She asked. "They are so cute."
Dawn thought for a moment but shook her head. "Yeah Pikachu's are cute, but I was thinking more along the lines of a snake pokemon, like Ekans or Arbok." Her eyes gleamed a little as she spoke. It was something she'd been thinking about for a while. Misty wasn't so sure. Dawn wasn't with the gang when Jessie had her Arbok so Dawn wouldn't know what the cobra pokemon represented to them. She was afraid. Misty looked at her belt holding Gyarados, another serpent like pokemon she'd once feared. Misty knew that she should get over her fears of all pokemon and the way she'd done so with Gyarados was to own one so it made sense to do the same thing now.
"That sounds cool lets adopt an Arbok!" She said a little too excitedly to cover her nervousness
"Yeah I hear they are really cool." Dawn said as she clapped her hands together.
"OK lets adopt an ARBOK!!!!" The girls said in unison.
So the Girls drove the 10 and a half miles to the pokemon adoption agency so that they can adopt an Arbok. The agency was a large facility but still managed to feel cramped. It was dark and a little damp in places. Misty was that's where the tanks of water pokemon had leaked but not been cleared up. When the girls arrived at the main reception there was a man in the basic blue uniform of the agency sitting behind the desk he was speaking on the phone about some sort of Rattata problem. When he noticed the girls he ended the conversation and leaned over the desk expectantly.
"Hello do you have any Arbok that can be adopted?" Dawn asked.
"Well hello there you're looking for an Arbok." He seemed a little surprised in the choice for the pair.
"Yes sir we want to adopt one. Do you have any?" Misty asked.
The manager paused. "I don't think so unless.. let me look in the back." With that he exited the room.
A few minutes later the manager came back with a pokeball. "Now, girls this is the only one I've got. It's very rare, odd colouring and massive size. It's not going to be cheep to buy or easy to raise at that. Are you sure want this?" What the manager told them just seemed to raise Dawn's excitement. Misty was getting more and more nervous but her pride would be hurt if she pulled out so both girls nodded. "Then this Arbok is yours for 200 pokedollars."
"But we only have 150 pokedollars" Dawn said as she rummaged through her pockets. She turned to her friend. "Misty, we won't be able to adopt him." Unsure if she was relived or disappointed Misty just muttered a quick 'oh'. Dawn was very clearly upset and the manager saw it. Most trainers wanted a young or strong pokemon so Arbok wasn't a best seller and it was clear that the girl had her heart set on it. Taking pity he came up with a new deal
"I know I'll give him to you for 1 hundred, and you can buy supplies with the extra 50 pokedollars."
"Really?" Dawn asked.
"Yeah." The manager replied.
"Isn't this great Misty?" Dawn asked her friend.
"That's very kind of you sir. Thank you." Misty addressed the manager and grasped the pokeball.

So Dawn and Misty were able to adopt the red Arbok. They took him home and let him Explore for a while. The Arbok was slithering up a tree when Dawn's mother walked out of the house.
"Oh my." She gawped at the massive serpent. "Dawn what is this huge Arbok doing here?"
"Well you and Misty's mom said we can adopt a pokemon, and we choose this red Arbok." Dawn casually replied. "Isn't he cool, Mom?"
Dawn's Mother sighed. "I wasn't expecting anything this big but we agreed. OK but I'm not cleaning up after him, young lady that is your responsibility."
"No need to worry, mom. I understand. We're going to take great care of our new friend right Misty?" Dawn asked.
Misty was still trying to take in the size of the Arbok but nodded in agreement, she'd do her best with this Arbok, it's not like it was a horrible bug pokemon or anything.


End of Chapter 1

 

[Brisingr122194]

It was a nice, sunny Saturday and Dawn was laying down in Arboks coils while he slept.

It's been a week since Dawn and Misty adopted Arbok and chose to name him Flame. He has been doing really well with this new life style, and the girls have been doing a very good job of taking care of him. Little did they know that he was planning something to do with them, something they would never had thought that it would happen... he was planning to eat them.

"I wonder when Misty is going to come back from camp I sure do miss her.", Dawn mused to herself.
"I'm sure she will be back before you know it.", Flame said. It seems he had awakened

At first Dawn paid no mind to the answer she got. She then realized who had spoken and stared at Flame with fear and bewilderment. She stood up slowly, not taking her eyes away from Flame and questioned, "Did you just talk?"
"Yes I did", replied Flame, "and also I am able to use Hypnotic powers."
"Really? That is so cool. I have always wondered what it was like to be hypnotized."

Flame said, "Well maybe I can help you out with that."
"Really that would be so cool.", said Dawn.
"Are you ready?"
"Yeah let me have it!" Dawn replied with excitement.
"Ok here goes.", said Flame.

So Flame hypnotized Dawn and started to make her do all kinds of things.
He made her do backflips, frontflips,and even cartwheels. After about an hour of making Dawn do tricks Flame asked, "So Dawn do your muscles hurt?" as she slowly snapped out of the hypnosis.
"Yes they do.", she said as she rubbed her shoulders.
"Would you like a massage?", the Arbok offered.
"Sure that would be great.", Dawn said
"Ok get into your swimming suit, and we will begin.", Flame told her.

So Dawn went to the bathroom and got into her swimming suit, and when she came out Flame said "Ok Dawn here we go."
He started coiling her at the feet and went up to the neck then he started to vibrate his coils. Dawn liked it so much it completely relaxed her muscles.

chapter 2

 

[Brisingr122194]

It was now early Sunday Morning and Dawn woke up underneath Flame's coils, unsure how she got there. The weight of a regular Arbok was already heavy but Flame was even more so, Dawn felt a little numb from the weight. "Man what happened last night?" She asked. The head of her pet rose into view.
"You were hypnotized, and I gave you a massage, I hope you enjoyed it." The great snake said.
"oh now I remember." Dawn smiled slightly.
"So did you like being hypnotized for the first time? I hear it's strange but enjoyable."
"Yeah I did it was fun." Dawn said. 'Strange but enjoyable' was right; it was the only to describe it.
"Would you like to do it again?" Flame asked hopefully.
"Sure, but after breakfast. You're kinda crushing me right now." Dawn grunted
"Ok deal." Flame said and slithered off of her heading outside.

So Dawn and her Arbok went down stairs to eat breakfast. Dawn's breakfast was oatmeal with apple juice. It was rather plain and she ate slowly thinking of greater things, hopefully she'd see Piplup soon, the little Penguin was with the rest of her team helping Ash win some contest, she didn't understand why but he'd needed as many Pokémon as he could. Arbok's meal was three pikachus and an energy drink that is made to help Arboks with their speed and strength. Dawn just sat for a while and stared in amazement at how the pikachus slid down his throat. It was a little disturbing given her fondness for the rodent and she soon lost her appetite deciding she wouldn't eat with Flame again. After they were both done eating they both went back upstairs to Dawns room.
"ok Dawn you promised." Flame said
"huh? Oh yeah. I know I'm ready." She sat down.
"ok here I go." Flame said looking more and more happy.

So Flame hypnotized Dawn for the second time. Flame considered his options. Dawn was great fun but two would be better than one, remember the other girl, the nervous one. "So Dawn I bet Misty would enjoy this too."
Dawn was under his spell, the girl was suggestible anyway but now she'd do anything "Yeah she would. I'll give her a call right now. She should be back from camp today." She said before relaxing under his coils once more.

Misty was sitting down on the couch watching TV when the phone rang. It was a show about Horsea. Misty sighed unwilling to stop watching "Hello who is it?" She asked the phone and Dawn's voice answered.
"Hey Misty, do you want to come over?" She asked excitedly
"Why are you so excited?"
"I really want to show you a new trick Flame learned, it's awesome."
"Err Sure Dawn I haven't seen Flame in a while I'm sure he'll be happy to see me." She shuddered.
"oh, Bring your swimsuit too." Dawn added.
"Swimsuit? Why? Are we going to swim with water Pokémon later?" She asked brightening up.
"No sorry. No need to worry about it, Misty."
"Ok Dawn I'll trust you. I'll be there soon." She said a little disappointed.

Misty waited until her show finished then told her mom she was going out, and got on her trusty new bike to go to Dawn's house. She had no idea what was awaiting her, no idea that their new pet may not be as friendly as he seemed.

End of Chapter 3
Will continue and maybe end in Chapter 4

 

[Brisingr122194]

When Misty got to Dawn's house she was greeted by Dawn's mother.
Dawn's mother "Well hello Misty I wasn't expecting you to be back so soon."
Misty "Yeah Dawn invited me over."
Dawn's Mother "Oh ok come right in."
Misty "Thank you."
Dawn's Mother "Dawns upstairs playing with Flame."
Misty "Ok I'll just head on up."

So Misty started heading upstairs to Dawns room so she can play with Flame, and talk to Dawn.
Misty "Dawn are you up here?"
Dawn "Yeah Misty I am in here."
Misty "So what is this trick that Flame learned?"
Dawn "You have to get into your swimsuit, before I show you."
Misty "Ok whatever."

So Misty went to the bathroom, and got into her swimsuit. When she came out Dawn was sitting on the edge of the bed with her swimsuit on, and Flame was lying down behind her. Dawn "Ok Misty are you ready?"
Misty "Sure let's get this over with."
Flame "Yes Misty lets."


Misty jumped up high, and was scared to death for a second. She had never seen another pokemon that could talk. She thought that Team Rockets Meowth was the only pokemon that could talk.
Misty "did you just talk Flame?"
Flame "Yes Misty I did."
Misty "That's cool sorry I got scared."
Flame "Yeah, and I can also hypnotize people."
Misty "Is that why Dawn is just sitting there not talking."
Flame "Yeah Misty she really liked it."
Misty "How do you hypnotize people?"
Flame "It's easy all you have to do is look into my eyes."
Misty "Ok can you do it to me?"
Flame "Sure Misty just Stare into my eyes."

So Misty took one long stare into Flames eyes and was completely hypnotized within 10 seconds. Flame "So Misty the trick is I'm going to give you a massage."
Misty "That sounds really nice."
Flame "Ok here I go."

So Flame started to coil around Misty just like he did to Dawn. He started at the Feet and made his way up to her neck. When he reached her neck he started to vibrate his coils.
Flame "So Misty do you like my massage?"
Misty "Yeah Flame I do."
Flame "that's good."
Misty "yeah it really relaxes my muscles."

End of Chapter 4 will continue in to Chapter 5

 

[psyanic]

Glad to see you fixed a few things, in the first chapter at least. You might want to do the same for your other chapters, just so that you can get the whole prose thing down. I would highly suggest fixing your chapters before you move on. You don't really have to do that, but I think it's better to venture further without having a mistake or two in your previous chapters. It's probably just me because I self-diagnosed myself with OCD.

There's one big thing I'd highly suggest, and I have to say it before I forget. Remember to space out your paragraphs and dialogue. It should just be like I'm typing this nifty little review. Hit the enter key twice for every line. It's a lot easier to read that way, not to mention that it looks a lot more neat. Formatting is a big thing, and even if your story is flat out awesome, it could turn off a lot of readers. So yeah, format.

I've been debating whether of not this was a script or something. There seems to be dialogue before the speakers, and that's fairly uncommon. I think it would help if you put in words like "said" or "asked" or something. It's just more to read, and so more interest. I don't know, but that's just how I view things. Welcome to my clinically messed up perception. Nah, not really. And besides, if you don't want to go through the trouble of putting in words, at least put in the punctation, which should be a colon (:), or something. The main problem with scripts is that they don't have much description, and I really love nice descriptions. It's like John Steinbeck, especially the Grapes of Wrath. He wrote a two-page chapter about a turtle crossing a road. Of course, he actually meant something and it did some imagery and a metaphor for the oppression and the movement of the people, etc. I mean, description is interesting stuff. It really gets the point of your story across. Sure actions do that too, but they're overrated.

And this leads to my next point, which is still description. Oops, that's the same point. I'm going to look at something else though, so bear with me. You don't have much personality with Misty, Dawn, or anyone else. Sure, you're using canon characters, but that doesn't mean you can't use their personalities. If anything, you should be using them, otherwise you might as well just make up a few. Misty is a fiery redhead, who's also a tomboy. She's determined and passionate, especially with water Pokemon and she wants to be a water master. She owns the Cerulean Gym and runs it because her sisters wanted to travel a bit, leaving her in the dust. Use that personality... somehow. Personally, I think it's better if you just don't use her. You'd have to explain a few things, but given the situation, it'd be a lot.

Anyway, you should also describe actions. Actions are a big part too. They fly, they jump, they swallow teenaged girls, you get the idea. Verbs do a lot of things. They're important. Explicate a few things. Describe the Arbok's hypnosis, and how Dawn and Misty react. Since Dawn was never hypnotized before, be sure to put in some emotions. It's a new experience. I think there'd be a bit of fear here and there, you know anxiety and stuff. It's not a walk in the park until you're comfortable with it. Your story just needs more. Also, I'd really like to see the Arbok's perspective. I know you said it wants to eat the girls, which is really beyond me, but I'd like to know how you'd present it and it's thoughts. It's just something you can think about. The motive itself is odd, because there's almost nothing wrong with eating Pokemon Food, or you know a rat or something. And I heard people don't taste good, just ask the sharks.

Alright, one more thing. Pace out when you start posting chapters. As a matter of fact, all these chapters could be combined into one. But don't post a chapter every day, every two days, or so recently. Most authors who write fast post about every week. It lets the story really sink in with the readers and keeps them hooked. If you just fly by, there's not much improving actually going on, ya know? Writing is a skill you learn, and you learn skills through time and effort. You don't learn how to write well in an hour, or a day, or even a week. It takes time, so take it easy. Enjoy the time you write, but also work to look at your weaknesses and make them your strengths. I'll keep following so keep on improving!