Ash meets Alistair

[Jolteon]

Hi everyone!, ages ago on microsoft word, i wrote a story 36 pages long!, but i no longer have that story because my family got a new computer, anyway here's m story where ash meets Alistair!!!!!!!!:

INTRADUCTION
The kids are on a brand new adventure as they go to a new region but not too many people know about this region, Ash and his NEW friends feel how it's like to explore new trainers and rivalries, even a new proffesser, pokemon in new locations and more badges to get as they enter, the Grant Region!.

Chapter 1 the beggining

Ash: Today is the day where i start again and try to complete my pokedex!, cause ive gotta catchem all!!!.
*Knock *Knock.
Who is that?..., oh well, *goes outside*,.
????: Hello!!!.
Ash: who are you?.
????: Mine name is Laura.
Ash:Laura?!
Laura: Yes, Laura
Ash: cool, wanna travel with me?
Laura: sure, where are you heading off to?
Ash: Professer Crabs lab!, to get my first pokemon
Laura:Me too.
Ash: Lets go

*goes off to lab*

Proffessor Crab: Hi you two!
Laura: Hi crab!
Ash: Hi crab!, so what are the three starters to choose from?
Proffesser crab: Azurill, Smoochum and...

Who is the last starter and who is Alistair find out in chapter 2!!!

Did you like it so far?, whadda ya think?, hope you enjoy chapter 2!!!!!!!

 

[oni flygon]

well, to start with...
Your fanfic needs some description and writing in script form is the worst thing you can do...Try being a bit more original. For instance, how did Ash know Professor Crabs? Or...What is Laura's history about or What is the history of the region? And...why did Ash knock on a random door... well...I hope you won't get angry or something...just advicing you...

(umm...36 pages is pretty good...but I hope that you could exert a bit of effort)

 

[Mew13]

Your chapter was short. And it lacks description. Writing in script form is hard on both reader and author. I suggest you change it to an actual story. You know, with paragraph, descriptions, and feeling. It'll add length and interest to the story.

 

[Jolteon]

Yeah, like my old story i din't do it like a playscript e.g

Laura:
Ash:

All i did was like i started from so ill start another one!

 

[cardiinaloleg]

Hey, nice story. ;)
I really liked the way the words were put :)

 

[Jolteon]

Hey thanx cardiinaloleg!!!, atleast someone thinks so lol!, more of the story later!, do you want me to start again or go onto chapter 2?

 

[Mew13]

I think you should move on to chapter 2, but try it in a story form. If it doesn't work, continue in script. But, I think you'll get a lot more (and nicer) reviews if it is in a story form!!

 

[Jolteon]

Thanx!!!, ill do some more today in story form!

 

[Jolteon]

sorry i couldn't do it today, ill hopefully do it another day