Ballad Poem Assignment: Nostalgia

[Nick]

I was assigned to write a ballad poem about... anything, and I chose to write it about that feeling you get. That one special feeling that just tickles your heart and makes you want to go back to it time and time again. I scored a 95/100 on it, but I figured I'd share it here.

Sitting there across the room,
Waiting for something to bloom,
You scratch your head at something I said,
It's like nostalgia's sitting on the bed.

Every time I opened my mouth,
It seemed like I was heading south,
I never knew what to do,
When I was sitting across to you.

The awkward silence that came about,
The rise of unconditional doubt,
The time we spent with each other,
Was just like any one another. [lost 5 points because this "didn't make sense", but I felt it did, comment on it please and share your views]

Every time I opened my mouth,
It seemed like I was heading south,
I never knew what to do,
When I was standing across to you.

You would lift your head,
At something I said,
You would smile gently,
And seemed to be waiting intently.

The conversations that came about,
The sense of laughter that seemed to sprout,
I always knew what to do,
When I was sitting next to you.

Our times together are just here now,
So maybe we should take that vow,
Maybe the nostalgia I've come to know,
Was there because I hadn't said hello.

Maybe the awkward silence that came about,
Or that rise of unconditional doubt,
That tension that rose between,
Was there because you were my queen.

...No use trying to get me to fix things since this wasn't done out of pleasure or anything and its already been graded so its kind of... too late to do so, you know? :( But comments are more than welcome.

 

[Kishijoten]

This poem is beautiful. I feel like I can connect with your poem. I'm amazed how much connection I made with what I had just read. No seriously, it's one amazing poem.

 

[Spearow]

When I was sitting across to you.

Across from you, I think you meant? Or maybe you didn't, but that's the way it's usually written, I think

Was just like any one another.

Well, it makes sense if you stare at it for a while, but it is a bit jarring because the rest of the poem is written in a grammatically traditional way - that is, you write all the other lines the way they are conventionally supposed to be written, and the way people might say them in a conversation. But no one would ever say "any one another", they would say "any other one", or probably just "any other". It's almost like yodaspeak, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but I don't think it's exactly what you were going for?

Other than that, I like most of it, although it does feel a little bit hobbled by the rhyme scheme sometimes - again, while most of it is written in a concise, almost conversational tone, there are certain lines that stand out as strange when one speaks them aloud: "sense of laughter that seemed to sprout" is one, and I like it but it just doesn't seem to belong with the rest of the poem, which has fairly non-metaphorical and straightforward feel.

 

[Deleted member 143209]

...No use trying to get me to fix things since this wasn't done out of pleasure or anything and its already been graded so its kind of... too late to do so, you know? :( But comments are more than welcome.

And so I'll post my opinions :D

It's quite nice for a ballad but the rhyming is just too much, you've saturated it a little with internal and normal rhyming techniques.

"Was just like any one another", I'm gonna have to go with your marker here. i wouldn't say that it doesn't make sense though I would say that it was grammarically incorrect. I would have changed it around whilst keeping the same point.
Again though the rhyming style or more so the word choices just threw me off a little bit. I would have used less "obvious" words if you know where I'm coming from.

Maybe the awkward silence that came about,
Or that rise of unconditional doubt,
That tension that rose between,
Was there because you were my queen.

This is probably the best verse, also happens to be the last. The use of the word "rose" strikes me, I'm not sure if this was intentional but "Rose" is used as a symbol of romance. I assume you did mean it as normally "arose" would have been better used in this context.
But quite nice for a ballad, just work on your style a little and use less obvious ways of rhyming, add in a few more techniques to increase depth and it should play out nicely.
If you have more questions you know where to find me.