Blaze: fire v.s. water and grass

lvl99rayquaza

    • 196
    Posts
    17
    Years
    Prologue: Training​
    "I have trained as a warrior, my training is not over, I will beat team Leaf and team Hydro, my team will be the best of all of the other teams." In a Dimly lit square room with an exit in the northern wall a Black Charizard with red wings sits near the knocked out forms of two pokemon. "This is a stealth exercise, Blaziken knows I am here and I know she is here, I am hiding my tail so that she does not have an advantage, Typhlosion and Infernape tried to take me down first but I used thunder punch on both and knocked them out at the same time, my name is Blaze." Above Blaze a dark-red female Blaziken stands on a ceiling beam trying not to jump down and punch Blaze.
    "I do not want to hurt Blaze but if I have to I will." Blaziken stands still while Blaze smirks from below. "I do not want to hurt Blaze." Blaziken stays quiet while thinking of the best possible solution.
    "Lights on, now." Blaze looks skyward as lights illuminate the room. "Blaziken I win and you lose because I see where you are. Blaze looks at the other two contestants that he knocked out and laughs.

    note: Chapter one will continue from that part.

    ​
     
    sounds nice

    i would like to see more though then i can really judge
     
    I found this very intriguing, it makes you want to read my by grabbing you from the very beginning - it could be great! I just noticed a few little spots where a comma could have helped:-

    lvl99rayquaza said:
    Typhlosion and Infernape tried to take me down first but I used thunder punch on both and knocked them out at the same time, my name is Blaze.
    ​
    Click to expand...

    Here, you could use a comma after 'first', just to break up the sentence. There were a few places like this, but your spelling is very good and I like how your ideas flow through the prologue. I'm looking forward to seeing some more from you.

    -If you want someone to beta read this for you before you post it up, you can PM it to me and I'll double check it. Just an offer, you don't have to take me up on it.-
     
    celuthea said:
    I found this very intriguing, it makes you want to read my by grabbing you from the very beginning - it could be great! I just noticed a few little spots where a comma could have helped:-



    Here, you could use a comma after 'first', just to break up the sentence. There were a few places like this, but your spelling is very good and I like how your ideas flow through the prologue. I'm looking forward to seeing some more from you.

    -If you want someone to beta read this for you before you post it up, you can PM it to me and I'll double check it. Just an offer, you don't have to take me up on it.-
    Click to expand...
    ok and it may take a while to finish typing chapter oneon microsoft word doccument because my family gets really busy at times.
     
    You must log in or register to reply here.
    Back
    Top