Broken Chains

[Soccerryle]

Bit of Misc. Information:
Italicized text is the Protagonist's writings within his diary.
Everything else is general text.

Prolouge

Day 2:

It's been weird, ever since yesterday. My life to it's entirety confuses me in every way possible. I don't remember my past, or even my name. The man said they would 'issue' me one, whatever that means. I've just stayed stuck in this room for a day and a half trying to figure out what they're going to do to me. It was just yesterday that the man who brought me here gave me a small notebook and told me to "have fun", whatever that is. I just decided to keep some thoughts in here. This is currently the only way I can express my.. feelings? No. Emotions? Do I even have emotions? This room is cold, and dull. I only wish to know of my past, or even what my real name is.. If only there was a way..

~~

((So yes, This is the beginning of my weird little fan fict. Have at it with your harsh critique))

 

[Dagzar]

Harsh criticism? Eh, I'll try my best. First off, your prologue is only a single paragraph long, which would be okay if you attached chapter one right after it. As far as I know, there's no rule that says you can't only post a very short prologue, but as I look at it now, it just seems really short. It's vague and there's nothing really there to draw the reader in.

I see a couple of grammar errors, but since your character is writing in a diary, they could just be his (I'm assuming that he's a he) mistakes, so I can't really comment on them. Though, even if it's diary writing, I will say that when you use ellipses (…), I suggest that you use three instead of two dots. It may be just a nitpick, but it lights up my grammar check.

Other than that, I can't really find anything else to talk about since there's not much material to work with. I'd say something on the lines that Amnesia Doesn't Work That Way for your character, but I'm not even sure if your character has amnesia or something like that since it appears that he is in some creepy government faculty.

Either way, I'm still a bit interested in what happens next so I hope your first chapter is nice and long. ;)

 

[Soccerryle]

Hehe, Thanks Dagzar, I tried to make this one longer o_o;;

Chapter I:

"Come Come now, Master is waiting." The short man laughed into his face. He had no choice but to follow the man. His personality seemed very odd, and it freaked him out a bit. As they walked down the hallway, the man stopped to look a painting. It was gigantic, at least 40 feet tall. They had to back away a little just to see the full masterpiece. It showed a man dressed in a black robe, with a black rose in his hand. On the opposite of the hall, lied another painting. It looked as if it was the same man as far as facially. This made wore a white robe, and held a pink rose.

"You see, this is the founder of our little 'organization'. He was originally a saint-typed person, full of joy and happiness. Until his wife passed away, during childbirth. Then, he became emotionless. He grew silent and eventually isolated himself from the entire world. He never completely let her go."

They continued to walk down the hall. Every footstep they took echoed due to the emptiness of the room. They finally reached the rather large black door. The man spoke, "Eternity", and the doors creaked open. There were thirteen chairs surrounding a large, circular table. "Wait up here, little dude".

The man look his seat leaving him isolated in front of around ten people. A tall, bulky man stood up, and spoke with a deep voice. "Welcome to Black Castle".

He stood still at the front, looking anxious and horrified by what he saw. There were five people sitting around the table, looking very frightening. The one speaking was tall and bulky. The person beside him was the short man who led him to this little conference room. The third person was a woman with long jet-black hair. The fourth was a small man who looked as if he could care less what anyone else was saying. The fifth seat was empty, and somehow gave an ominous feeling to the room. The sixth seat was a very ghostly looking person, with paper white skin. They all had pale skin, and wore the same robes that were in the two portraits he saw. The first three people's robes were jet-black, while the fourth robe was a dark gray, and the sixth, was jet-black, but looked skin-tight, unlike the others.

As the bulky man continued to talk, he sectrley scanned the room. He was very interested until he saw a painting move. His head crashed to the floor.

 

[Dagzar]

Ah, that's a bit better; much more material to work with. *rubs hands* Well, let's get started.

"Come,come now, Master is waiting." The short man laughed in his face. He had no choice but to follow the man. His personality seemed very odd, and it freaked him out a bit. As they walked down the hallway, the man stopped to look a painting. It was gigantic, at least 40 feet tall. They had to back away a little just to see the full masterpiece. It showed a man dressed in a black robe, with a black rose in his hand. On the opposite of the hall, lied another painting. It looked as if it was the same man as far as facially. This made wore a white robe, and held a pink rose.

Okay, first thoughts is this is very abrupt. To ease the reader into this, it might be better to start the chapter in your main character room before the short man comes for him. That way, it'd be less sudden, especially since we haven't been introduced to short man yet.

Also, the writing is a bit confusing in some places since your main character has yet to have a name. Using 'he' is all well and good, but it can be confusing when there's two male characters around; it gets me wonder on who you're talking about.

Here's a tip: when writing a number, don't use numerals, use the actual word. Example: instead of '40', use 'forty'.

"You see, this is the founder of our little 'organization'. He was originally a saint-typed person, full of joy and happiness. Until his wife passed away, during childbirth. Then, he became emotionless. He grew silent and eventually isolated himself from the entire world. He never completely let her go."

Nothing wrong here, but why is the short man telling your character this? It seems a bit out of the blue.

They continued to walk down the hall. Every footstep they took echoed due to the emptiness of the room. They finally reached the rather large black door. The man spoke, "Eternity", and the doors creaked open. There were thirteen chairs surrounding a large, circular table. "Wait up here, little dude".

This isn't an error, but even if we've only been introduced to the short man a few paragraphs ago, saying something like that seems out of character. Though, feel free to ignore this; it's just my opinion.

The man look his seat, leaving him isolated in front of around ten people. A tall, bulky man stood up, and spoke with a deep voice. "Welcome to Black Castle."

He stood still at the front, looking anxious and horrified by what he saw. There were five people sitting around the table, looking very frightening. The one speaking was tall and bulky. The person beside him was the short man who led him to this little conference room. The third person was a woman with long jet-black hair. The fourth was a small man who looked as if he could care less what anyone else was saying. The fifth seat was empty, and somehow gave an ominous feeling to the room. The sixth seat was a very ghostly looking person, with paper white skin. They all had pale skin, and wore the same robes that were in the two portraits he saw. The first three people's robes were jet-black, while the fourth robe was a dark gray, and the sixth, was jet-black, but looked skin-tight, unlike the others.

I like your description here, but I find it kind of out of place. It'd be better if you described these new characters interspersed with action, like when they each have dialogue. Right now, it's just not very memorable

As the bulky man continued to talk, he secretly scanned the room. He was very interested until he saw a painting move. His head crashed to the floor.

Nothing to really say on this part except there could have been a bit more description. Using your last line for the chapter (I don't know the circumstances of your character's attack, so I'll make it up), here's an example:

"He felt a bolt of surprise, but before he could even move, his legs were swept out from under him and his head crashed into the floor."

Anyways, your spelling and grammar are pretty good; there's only a few errors that need to be fixed. Your chapter is longer too, so that's good. A chapter's length vary by the person, but a good minimum would a page or two on Word, or Notepad, or whatever writing device you use.

Though, the only problem I see continuing is that I still don't really know what's going on, which is good when writing a mystery, but too vague and it could be confusing. Describe a bit more and maybe a put a bit more of what your character is thinking, and that should clear some things up.

You doing well, keep at it! ;)