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Broken Heart

Pikawolf

221
Posts
19
Years
    • Seen Apr 13, 2007
    He swiftly raced by without a passing glance
    Steady and strong, with a sure-fire stance.
    With large heavy paws pounding the Earth,
    Just the sight him fills one with mirth.

    His fur was black and had eyes of gold
    He's been in legends and tales of old.
    For he is a wolf, no other compares,
    No one competes, not even the Weres.

    Fear will strike the hearts of all
    When battling demons, he makes them fall.
    He knows no fear, and feels no pain
    Though the weight of his heart, is an ongoing strain.​



    Again: comments, critisizmz, and rates are welcome. Enjoy! ^_~

    ~Kelsey
     
    Last edited:

    Pikawolf

    221
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • Seen Apr 13, 2007
    You sound disappointed, Matt....well, thanks for saying something about it.

    ~Kelsey
     

    Pikawolf

    221
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • Seen Apr 13, 2007
    I didn't mean to sound like I did! ^^;;; I shouldn't expect ALL my poems to be wonderful, if you don't like it, tell me then, Matt. ^_^

    ~Kelsey
     

    Finglonger

    Leper messiah
    329
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • meh, I think its best to be honest(I know I would like an honest opinion of my poetry). So thats just what I'll give you. Based on the poems I've seen here by you, I think you could have done much better on this. IMO this is a difficult premise to write on, so that may have been part of it. Also its a little too straightforward for my tastes, if you tell the reader everything then you make it less enjoyable, but if you leave some things un-said then it makes it more interesting. Like my creative writng teacher told me:Its not so much what you say, it what you don't say. yeah that was a paraphrase, but eh Im sure you can catch the point.
     

    Pikawolf

    221
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • Seen Apr 13, 2007
    You're right, Finglonger. I shall take out the explanation then, to make it more enjoyable. Thanks for da comment! ^^

    ~Kelsey
     

    darkblastoise89

    mech lover
    420
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • @finglonger: i more than respect your outlook on the works of others, but did you even say anything positive about her poem? if she changes it all, it wouldn't be the same poem she started with! i understand you being honest because i am quite brutally honest most of the time myself, but can you say anything positive?
    P.S. no hard feelings okay?
     

    Pikawolf

    221
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • Seen Apr 13, 2007
    ^_^ Don't wory about it Matt, if I always got positive comments, it would all go straight to my head. ^^;;

    ~Kelsey
     

    Pikawolf

    221
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • Seen Apr 13, 2007
    I can see that, and thanks for saying it. ^^ But I do want the truth, remember, no lies allowed. XD
    *races up to Matt, wagging her tail and jumping up and down*

    ~Kelsey
     

    darkblastoise89

    mech lover
    420
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • @finglonger and kelsey: sorry i guess i'm really defensive when it comes to you kelsey... and finglonger, sorry i get hotheaded quick so don't take my anger seriously cuz i clam down five minutes later anyway.
     

    Finglonger

    Leper messiah
    329
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • oh ok, apology accepted I guess. And the way I always rate poems is by telling people the things they did wrong, if I told them what they did right how could they improve their writing?

    In this case I didn't think it was her best work and I told her why. I didn't do it to be mean or spiteful I did it so that she could make this better. Basically my point is, why would you merely tell somebody how great it is without giveing them something to improve upon? Sure, telling someone they wrote something nice makes then feel good, but beyond that it does nothing.
     

    Pikawolf

    221
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • Seen Apr 13, 2007
    That is very true, Finglonger, and I thank you for your suggestions on improvement. I shall keep them in mind when writing more poems. ^^

    ~Kelsey
     

    darkblastoise89

    mech lover
    420
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • Finglonger said:
    oh ok, apology accepted I guess. And the way I always rate poems is by telling people the things they did wrong, if I told them what they did right how could they improve their writing?

    In this case I didn't think it was her best work and I told her why. I didn't do it to be mean or spiteful I did it so that she could make this better. Basically my point is, why would you merely tell somebody how great it is without giveing them something to improve upon? Sure, telling someone they wrote something nice makes then feel good, but beyond that it does nothing.
    Click to expand...
    yeah well, i see your point, but like a little bit of both. saying what's good and saying what could be improved...
     

    Finglonger

    Leper messiah
    329
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • yeah youre right praise is an important part too. In the future I'll try to include both critcisms as well as parts I enjoyed reading. = )
     

    Sawyer

    ���
    3,196
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • I really liked it... it could be a little better, but it's still pretty good.
     
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