Chapter 1;Book 1-Seperated

[SylveonStar2]

The last words I heard out of my trainer was a muffled sentence: "Sylveon, run away...", before she was pulled into a big thing with wheels and was taken away.

Pokemon have feared the people who took Grace away for a long time. My Great-Vaporeon's words repeating in my head: "Beware the people with the white suits with the R on them. You will never know what they will do."

She told me that her friend was snagged away when she was an Eevee, and I never believed her. I always thought she was telling those stories to scare me, but what I thought was a scary tale is becoming my reality.

I walk around in the brush, trying to find where they took Grace. As I'm walking, I start to get hunger pangs. I remember when Grace and I were at home. I'd look at my plate, and she would put Poke-Food on it. As I remember, the pangs got worse, and the thought disappears. I start looking for food, when I find an Oran Berry bush. I go up to it and start to chain feed.

After I got finished, I started to walk again. As I walk, I bump into a Froakie. He scooted back a little, but it got back to its senses and glared at me. It starting calling someone continuously. I heard someone running towards us. It was a tall boy, with spiky hair and a hat. A Pikachu sat on his shoulder.

"Awesome! You found a Sylveon! Do you want to battle it, Froakie?," the trainer said. Froakie jumped to face me. "Froakie, use Bubble!," the trainer said. Froakie sent a hoard of bubbles toward me.

I used Fairy Wind, which stopped Bubble and sent Froakie flying into a tree. I then used Moonblast, which hit in a direct hit. Froakie wasn't done yet, though. He used Water Pulse. It hurt me badly and knocked me back a little.

The trainer threw a Pokeball at me. I let it bounce off of me, because I knew I was Grace's Pokemon. For some reason, the red light flooded over me. The Pokeball sucked me in. I finally escaped it. I then used Attract on Froakie.

Froakie came up to me and jumped around me. I knew that means that it worked, and he couldn't attack me. I used Draining Kiss. His cheeks went super red, and he started to act like he was in total love. Since he was weak, it drained the rest of his energy. He fainted, and I fled into the forest.

 

[Nolafus]

Okay, I'm afraid this chapter is too short for me to let you continue on with the story. I want you to lengthen this up a bit, and we'll be fine. Just so I'm not leaving you out to dry, here's a review to help you get started.

It's eyes looked fierce and ready to battle.

You used the wrong form of it's/its. Normally, putting the apostrophe and then an "s" to signify possession would be the right thing to do, but "it" is special. When you put the apostrophe there, you're really making it a contraction of the words "it" and "is". So, instead of saying that the eyes belong to Froakie, you're saying, "It is eyes looked fierce and ready to battle". In order to show possession, you just need to add the "s", no apostrophe required.

Froakie wasn't done yet,though.

You forgot the space after the comma.

Okay, one thing I'm having issues with is that you're telling us the story. Don't tell us the story, show us. This is arguably the hardest part of writing, but once you get an idea of what it's all about, your writing will strengthen, and your story will become longer. Since I learn best with examples, I'll try my best to provide one.

Its eyes looked fierce and ready to battle.

Right here, you're telling us that Froakie is ready to battle. There are six basic questions you should be able to answer in every scene. Those questions are who, what, when, where, why, and how. In the sentence I pulled, I need to know how you know Froakie is ready for a battle. What's its body language like? If you can elaborate on these things, you're beginning to show us. I'm not the best at showing, but I'll try my best to rewrite the sentence in a way that's showing the reader what's happening.

Its eyes widened in surprise for a moment, then narrowed. The Froakie emitted a low growl and started yelling off to something beyond the bushes. When the figure appeared, the Froakie turned its attention back to me and crouched.

Like I said, I'm not the best at this, but hopefully you're starting to get an idea of what this is supposed to look like. It's really difficult, and takes a lot of practice to get down, so I don't expect you to be perfect, but I want to see you at least try.

One other qualm I had is the battle itself. It's an exact replica of a battle in the anime between Ash with his Froakie, and another trainer with her Sylveon. The details are too exact for me to simply write this off as a coincidence. The only thing you added was the pokeball. I would just refrain from copying battles because it makes them bland and predictable.

Like I said before, I want to you work on making this chapter longer before you post your other chapters. If you try to show, I guarantee that the chapter will be longer, but if all else fails, you could just add more story to the chapter. Not a bad start overall, but I would like a little more put in here.