[Pokémon] Clan Wars Trilogy

[Sapper]

The Clan Wars Trilogy​

Part 1: Into the RPG

Chapter 1

Spoiler:

Sorelake town was a small town full of folk. There were lots of yellow houses with pink roofs and the usual Pokecenter and Pokemart. The two entrances to the town were through Route 100, the bug route with really weak Pokemon, and Route 121, having average ghost type Pokemon. The main attraction of the town was a statue at the heart of the town, called the Memorial Statue. It portrayed a girl hugging a mareep, symbolizing the friendship of humans and pokemon.

Now I'd like to advise heart patients to stop reading the story now, because there is going to be a shock. Yep, you heard it right, a shock. The thing is: all this place wasn't a real town. It was based in an RPG, or Role-Play Game. The people there were just virtual representations of actual living people. And probably that is why the players had a line of text above their head, spelling out their name.

From the first few lines, you might think that Sorelake is where the story begins. But the actual beginning of the story and the.. er.. rebirth of our hero takes place miles south of Sorelake, in the hot and dry Catlund desert.

The whole desert was full of pixelated sand. Thanks to this, there were never sandstorms unless whipped up by some Pokemon. The only beings to be found there were Zigzagoon, Trapinch, and a variety of other similar pokemon.

The only house in this arid region was that of the Move Deleter. He was a bald old man, who sat in his armchair, wearing a black full-sleeved pullover and long johns. Four air-conditioners were on at full blast inside this house, to provide relief to both the old man and any passers-by looking for shelters.

In the eastern part of the desert lay an area covered by barbed wire. Countless bodies of players lay here. The signboard outside had been worn down by the severe weather conditions of the desert. If no one already guessed, this was the banpool for banned players. And the birth of our hero takes place here.

-----*--------*------​

There was a slight movement in the heap of bodies. This movement turned into a shaking, which in turn became an effort to punch through the cluster of bodies in the banpool. Finally, Vincent Dog succeeded in getting out. He took a breath, then another, and then another. He looked around himself, trying to regain what had really happened.

There was a sudden honking and Vincent looked down at the ground. A man stood there. He seemed middle-aged, with yellow hair partly hidden under a hood. He wore a black sweatshirt with yellow stripes and a pair of jeans. He motioned towards Vicent to come down.

"Vincent Dog?" he asked. "You've been unbanned. Get in the car, I'll explain everything to you. I'm Danoe, the moderator who banned you."

Danoe stepped towards the car and Vincent promptly followed. They both got in the car and went off.

"You are the son of Matt, once the greatest player in this RPG. He retired, though, and you were expected to be his successor. But you got into scamming and we had to ban you permanently, using the Mega Banhammer" Danoe said.

"But then why did you unban me?" Vincent asked.

"That is what I was coming to. Now don't interrupt me. In our latest update, we introduced a system of player made teams called Clans, where players could team up and battle for glory. It grew up to be a huge success and an increase in the percentage of users. However, there was one flaw."

"And what was that?" Vincent asked, intrigued.

"We forgot to check the security of clans. A group of the best hackers in all of the RPG joined together in a clan, and called themselves Team Sneak. When the staff had a holiday, they hacked into our headquarters and stole the Mega Banhammer. Now they have the power to ban anybody they like, and we can't stop them."

"So how am I to come into this?"

"Well, it's a bit difficult, but you have to get the Banhammer for us." Danoe said.

"B-but how am I supposed to do that?! I don't even have any Pokemon of mine." Vincent said.

"That shall be taken care of. Right now, I'm taking you to Professor Dexter. He shall give you your starter. You will have to train and catch Pokemon, because your old Pokemon, I mean the ones you had before you were banned, cannot be accessed anymore. They have been set free."

Suddenly Danoe's PokeNav rang, and he picked it up.

"Hey Kyle, what's up? What?! Is it really true? Oh dang, I'll be there in a minute." Danoe said and hung up. "The Prof's lab's been raided and he's been found missing. It must be the work of the treacherous Team Sneak, let's get there fast."

Danoe asked the driver to stop the car and got out. He took out a pokeball and let out a Pidgeot from inside it.

"Get on it's back. We're going to fly!" he ordered and both he and Vincent sat on it's back.

"Pidgeot! Fly to Avenite City, now!" he ordered.

Pidgeot spread out it's wings and flapped them. Slowly, the great bird rose to the air and was gliding through the sky, passing through clouds.

 

[Nolafus]

Okay, I'm going to be restricting you on working on further chapters until this one gets polished up a bit.

Right now, my main qualm with it is the spacing, or lack thereof. It's a giant wall of text, which isn't really the most inviting thing to read. Also, it can be hard on the eyes. The first thing I want you to do is space it out. That means hitting that 'enter' button twice whenever you start a new paragraph, or dialogue. I'll give you an example so you know what I mean.

The main attraction of the town was a statue at the heart of the town, called the Memorial Statue. It portrayed a girl hugging a mareep, symbolizing the friendship of humans and pokemon.
Now I'd like to advise heart patients to stop reading the story now, because there is going to be a shock. Yep, you heard it right, a shock. The thing is: all this place wasn't a real town. It was based in an RPG, or Role-Play Game. The people there were just virtual representations of actual living people. And probably that is why the players had a line of text above their head, spelling out their name.
From the first few lines, you might think that Sorelake is where the story begins. But the actual beginning of the story and the.. er.. rebirth of our hero takes place miles south of Sorelake, in the hot and dry Catlund desert.

With appropriate spacing, the section now looks like this:

The main attraction of the town was a statue at the heart of the town, called the Memorial Statue. It portrayed a girl hugging a mareep, symbolizing the friendship of humans and pokemon.

Now I'd like to advise heart patients to stop reading the story now, because there is going to be a shock. Yep, you heard it right, a shock. The thing is: all this place wasn't a real town. It was based in an RPG, or Role-Play Game. The people there were just virtual representations of actual living people. And probably that is why the players had a line of text above their head, spelling out their name.

From the first few lines, you might think that Sorelake is where the story begins. But the actual beginning of the story and the.. er.. rebirth of our hero takes place miles south of Sorelake, in the hot and dry Catlund desert.

It helps break up the wall of text and makes the story more inviting to read. Once you do that, the chapter should be much easier to read.

Although this will help a little with the chapter's length, it doesn't solve the problem. The first solution, and the easiest, is to simply keep adding more. Chapters aren't just one story event, they're several conflicts fighting it out for the entertainment of the reader. Right here, I only see one event. If you keep adding more, you'll be fine.

However, that doesn't mean there isn't something else to improve on. The main thing here is showing vs telling. I would love to go into more detail, but I have work and that might cause me to be late. So, in the mean time, have this short little article that covers the basics. It's not the best article, but if you have any questions after reading, I'll be more than happy to answer them.
https://fychuckpalahniuk.tumblr.com/post/9285901274/thought-verbs-by-chuck-palahniuk

Like I said before, I want you to work on this a little bit more before you post the next chapter. If you have any questions or concerns regarding anything, feel free to ask away. My VM/PM box is always open. Once you have edited this, shoot me a message and I'll come take a look. This isn't to be mean, I just want you to be the best writer you can be. Good luck!