[Pokémon] Dawn on Elymia

[Lucario020]

(THIS STORY CAN BE READ BY EVERYONE)

INTRO​

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"Dad?".

Two figures were sitting down on a bench, looking at the sunset from the hometown hill. A little boy with dark hair and his dad.

The sun was quickly going down, disappearing in the horizon "Yes, little guardian.."

"Don't leave again" Said Auran worried.

He turned around to look at his son, and then put a hand on his head ''I am always with you Auran''

The sun reached his limit and everything started to be swallowed in darkness ''Don't''.

Auran jumped out of his dream. Now he was staring at his room wall in the darkness of the night. The tears in his blue eyes. He turned on the lamp and grabbed a picture frame. An old picture of him and his tall dad on the day Auran learned to go on a bike. He was his dad's image. He cleaned the tears off with the palm of his hand and got up from the bed. He went to the large mirror that he had, he was quite the young man now, no longer the small kid from the picture. He put down the picture frame, facing down on the desk. He looked again himself at the mirror and sigh while trying to fix his messy hair. He got ready after that and put some clothes on. Jeans and a red t-shirt. He slowly opened the door trying not to make any noise that would make his mum wake up, passed her bedroom door and went down the stairs.

The house was so warm, it was the summer season. Summer in the Elymia region was very hot, especially because it was situated in proximity of three volcanos. The entire region was also a continent island. The main volcano, Mount Gola, which was also the tallest point in Elymia, was situated in the middle of it, working as a natural stove. The other two, Strombo and Dormo volcano were situated at north on two different small islands, part of the seven Elos islands archipelago. Dormo was the only one not active but still had some activity underneath.

Auran was living in Twinkledrop Town. It was small and quiet. Nothing was really happening these ways.

As he came out the front door, something shook a bush, and Auran almost screamed. It was moving through the garden in a non-stop direction. Auran closed the door behind him and grabbed a broom from the wall. He started to move towards the movement and the shaking suddenly stopped. Auran didn't make a single move. Whatever was in the bush in front of him was still there. He gathered courage and decided to make another step when something came out of the bush and tried to jump on him. Auran made a scream and fell backwards on the ground. He realized that something was on his right leg. He looked straight at it and then he saw it. This small looking racoon was looking at him.

"Damn Zigzagoon!" he scrolled the Pokémon from his leg and got up quick.

The Pokémon run off scared at Auran's reaction.

He didn't like Pokémon at all. Not after what happened to his dad at least. Auran had reason to be in this way towards them.

He scrolled the dirt from its clothes and looked at the house to see if everything was okay and his mum was still sleeping. There was nothing wrong with it, no signs of her waking up to the noise, so he starts walking to Woodwarm Forest.

Woodwarm Forest was just a few minutes walk from Twinkledrop Town. Usually, at night time the Pokemon in the forest were sleeping, so if you knew safe pathways like Auran did you were most likely to pass unnoticed. Anyway, they were not much of a threat, mostly some Rattata and Wurmple. It was a bit scary though at night, those branches moving against each other with the tender wind coming from the east valley.

Auran had with him a torch, one of those portable ones that you can hang up onto your backpack. Thanks to that he was able to move through the pathway without problems and avoiding to stomp a Sentret's tail. There was such a silence. Not a single noise through all the forest.

He arrived at the end of the path where the hill was starting, so he started the easy climb. Arrived at the top he saw the moon, stunning and big as ever. Auran smiled. There was a kind of bench made of an old dead tree log. He sat down and started to admire the view. Auran could see all the forest and his house from there. Twinkledrop was a very pretty place, with wooden houses and little gardens, was almost forgotten between all the trees. He looked at the sky and wondered why he was coming here so often. His dad passed away eight years ago and he was climbing this hill with him most of the time. Climbing it, again and again, wouldn't have brought him back, just make the pain stronger. Every time he was promising himself that it was the last time, but then a memory, a dream or a nightmare and he was here back a square one. He needed something to look for, something new to reach. Apparently was too difficult for him to let go. Nothing would have changed. Everything got even worse when his brother Heven left him to go to the Alola region to become a Pokémon Trainer and attending the Pokémon school. He felt betrayed by his brother in a sense. Auran now was almost eighteen and didn't want to have anything to do with those monsters. He was used to leaving the house every time Heven was coming back home from holiday and show his mother new Pokémon he caught. He never understood how they would love such creatures after what happened to his dad. It was something that was very hard to digest.

Auran made a big sigh and put himself down with his back on the log. The stars were so splendid that night. A flash suddenly appeared in the sky. It wasn't a flash of lightning. There wasn't even a cloud around. It was something else. Auran got up and jumped on the log and looked around. A few seconds after another flash came up from some trees far away in the forest. He grabbed the torch and run over there to see what it was going on. Running that fast in the forest was a bit inconsiderate as he could have hurt a pokémon or himself. Auran though was quite the athlete here.

He was almost there and he was already seeing these flashes and the electric sound they were making.

"I can't believe it!" a girl shouted.

Auran suddenly stopped behind the first tree he could find.

"Again! Thunder Wave!" she shouted again, and an electric flash from nowhere hit the tree next to Auran.

THIS IS IT AT THE MOMENT. FEEL FREE TO LEAVE A COMMENT AND DO CORRECT ME IF SOMETHING IS WRITTEN WRONG AS ENGLISH IS MY SECOND LANGUAGE.

 

[Venia Silente]

It took me a bit long to get to this but finally got some time, and hopefully the right mindset, to comment on it. Help pls.

When I read this the first thing that gets me is that while the startup is good (classical, but in a good sense), pacing is good (you take about the same time between Auran's actions that make a change) and you get some stuff going, I feel it comes at more than a bit of a cost: the descriptions of objects and characters are a bit too brief and not very committing. There is a notorious lack of "strong" nouns and adjectives to them, including Auran as well - besides "he was much like his dad" it's hard to make commit a mental image of him that would last "to next chapter". I hope this part improves in general, because for a story that introduces a fanon region descriptions that can be recalled by the reader are an important plus.

Anyway: I'm a sucker for fanon regions and I like to see things being started and studied. Elymia and the related archipelago sounds, at a quick glance, like something that draws from the Mediterranean east and the surrounding islands like Cyprus and Malta. The idea of a "continent island" makes it sound like there's quite some distance to next region over, which allows an adventure to be somewhat self-contained. And we are given from the get go the idea that the region is big and that we won't be getting focalized views on its various landmarks until later (as in general it should be). I'll probably be more interested in the region than in the story, with all due respect~

You get points for opening with a Zigzagoon, for opening the presentation of your fanon region in very general terms (the one time I feel the lack of committing descriptions works in your favour here, honestly, because when have you seen even touristic guides going into too much detail), for making sure he doesn't forget the obvious things for going out there on his own, and for taking a bit of small twists at the classical anime opening (the character seems to get up early instead of late, for example).
Admittedly I'm quite not a fan of the whole "main characters who wants nothing to do with Pokémon", a trope I consider tainted, but this is only the first episode and we have hopefully quite more to see. It also similarly feels a bit incomplete the introduction ends with a surprise event hitting right about Auran's surroundings and not wit his reaction to it, but otherwise the ending is finely placed for an introductory episode.

In general not a bad opening, stops at the right place and doesn't oversell the story, but I feel it could have used a bit more oomph. Be a bit more daring perhaps. Don't fear giving your readers a slightly more digested impression of the world - after all remember, you know your fanon region and its people and how they think, but we don't, we have to learn this and hopefully it will be from you.

Good luck with the story!