[Pokémon] Den Of Charizard

[Denali]

Den Of Charizard

Prologue​

As I got on the ship, I waved goodbye to my family, not knowing that I would never see them again. A few days passed on the ship, and then the TV and radio went dead.

We eventually arrived at our destination: Kanto. As we stepped off the ship, smoke filled our nostrils. As it cleared, we stared at Vermilion City in horror. The city was destroyed. People laid on the ground; dead. We walked through the wreckage, seeing if there were any survivors. There were none.​

 

[Feign]

Rather short :S

Nonetheless, if you chose to expand on this story, there is much potential.

Right now, the story doesn't really capture me. One thing to keep in mind when expanding is sentences like:

A few days passed on the ship, and then the TV and radio went dead.

What happened in those few days?
Why did the TV and radio go dead?
Where was he traveling from?

These and more answers to several more questions can help to engage the reader, and add to the general atmosphere of your fic.

We eventually arrived at our destination: Kanto. As we stepped off the ship, smoke filled our nostrils.

Perhaps here you could not only work on the mood of the situation, but also the continuity problem. Like a sense of fear or an ominous disposition.

That is, did they just notice the smoke after getting off the ship? I would think they might be able to smell it from quite a distance, never mind the fact that they could probably see it billowing in the sky.

The city was destroyed. People laid on the ground, dead.

It's a comma because 'dead' is not its own sentence as is the purpose of the semi colon.

Also, describing the wreckage and devastation would be a great bonus, as well as your character's reaction. Perhaps he saw mangled bodies and threw up at some point.

Otherwise spelling looked alright, and grammar looks okay.

Also if you figure that this fic would be more appropriate for a more mature audience, be sure to clarify it at the top of your fic.

 

[Denali]

Thanks for the advice, Feign. I plan on describing all of your concerns in the first chapter, which of course will be longer. I just wanted to get my idea out there to see if people were interested.

 

[Astinus]

If you want to see if people are going to be interested in your idea, discuss it in the Fanfiction Lounge as a basic idea first. Otherwise, posting a thread like this is close to breaking the rules.

All I have to say is "Seconding" Feign's advice. You should describe more to capture the reader's attention and imagination. Describe how the character feels when they see the dead bodies. Describe how the corpses look. Heck, describe your main character a bit, as I have no idea if they are male or female.

There's potential here, but it just needs a lot of description to get to it.

 

[Denali]

If you want to see if people are going to be interested in your idea, discuss it in the Fanfiction Lounge as a basic idea first. Otherwise, posting a thread like this is close to breaking the rules.

All I have to say is "Seconding" Feign's advice. You should describe more to capture the reader's attention and imagination. Describe how the character feels when they see the dead bodies. Describe how the corpses look. Heck, describe your main character a bit, as I have no idea if they are male or female.

There's potential here, but it just needs a lot of description to get to it.

Thanks for the advice, Astinus. I soon will make a big update, and will have a more descriptive prologue and chapter 1.