Okay i will review this verse by verse.
And then the poem as a whole at the end.
Despite how the Sun glistens down upon this world,
I am locked away in a dank room with the lights turned off.
Despite the smile that forcefully is expressed on my lips,
I am crying with heartbreak beyond this mask.
Despite how much I say I wish to live...
All because of you... I don't.
Mhmm k i definately feel the toneality of this poem very early in. It's always good to make sure your readers know what they're about to read. I do like the way you've written it in a desending order. As for the wordingi would change "Despite the smile that forcefully is expressed on my lips" It just doesn't read amazingly well. I would consider changing it tiny bit Something like "Despite the smile that is forcefully expressed by my lips" it reads little better but i'm sure you could find a fitting alternitive :) And maybe say "Behind this mask" instead of beyond as beyond is better used for distance, although i know behind is often used before mask it wouldn't go down too badly here. I didn't like the double use of despite i think you should try something else. Here are list of other options in The Saurus.
Not a bad opening verse though it certainly paves the way for the rest of the poem. It sets the mood well and you certainly feel bitter emotion!
I didn't realize you could change over night,
What happened to the day you were full of delight?
If I knew this was coming... If I knew you,
Perhaps I wouldn't be like this, wandering what to do.
There's no answer that slurs out of your throat,
But I keep analyzing the texts you've wrote.
I'm confused about what I have done, I didn't predict all this,
On that morning before you said what you did, you gave me a kiss.
You say you still feel deep for who I am,
But you still want it to end, you typical man.
Opening 2 lines you could change day to "Days" just seems more likely to be the case :D. Nothing else wrong with the opening 2 lines, not that i can point out anyway. I'm not to ecstatic on "If i knew this was coming... If i knew you," maybe if you had said "If i got to know you" rather than "If i knew you" i dunno it just doesn't read too well for me but i'm sure you could find something better ^_^
Yeah i can't see much wrong with the last two lines. "Slurs out of your throat" was a kind of different line. It was creative i guess, i haven't heard too many like it in poetry. The next 4 lines are the strongest so far and i cant complain about them all too much! So i wouldn't change them. Just a tiny bit of polishing here and there maybe use some different words. Keep the same concept just maybe say something different in places :)
I didn't realize your attitude could suddenly sway,
So all I can do from now on is kneel at my bed and prey?
If I knew this was coming... If I knew you,
Perhaps I would have realized what I needed to do.
There's no answers, there's not point to bug you for them,
It wont get me anywhere, anyway. You're no gem.
I should just take it and leave it how it all is,
But I still feel for you, even though you're none of my biz.
You say you still feel deep for who I am...
And I believe you, I'm just a naïve little lamb.
First two lines are fine but you shouldn't but any retorical questions in. Well not in that style any way. Where pray is spelt wrong you could remove the "?". You repeated the "If i knew...If i knew you" again whitch is fine just look at my previous statement on it. I'm not sure on "to bug you for them" i'm not quite sure what you meant there. The line "I should just take it and leave it as it is" now this does make sense but however it is slightly contradictory as you say you will take it and then leave it as it is? Don't you mean you just want to leave it as it is? You could rephrase it a small bit. Don't use the word "biz" it's not a very poetic word :) try using something else that rhymes. And theres not a lot wrong with the final 2 lines i cant complain.
Despite how much I tell you, I don't mind,
That isn't the true feeling that you'll find.
Despite how I talk to you, as though nothings changed,
It's not how I feel, It's not how I am.
Despite how I prey to the lord I believe,
Nothing ever happens, you're never mine...
Agh this verse is almost half the size of the last ones? Thats slightly irregular but how as ever. This verse is quite good although you should have kept up the rhyming because it really would have flowed well so you'd have a nice ending. Your rhyning is quite good here though you should use it a little more from time to time just make sure you concentrate on not going off track searching for a word! You should stick a comma sfter "lord" and fix prey to Pray. But this was okay. I feel you are capable of much better!
Despite how the Sun glistens down upon this world,
I am locked away in a dank room with the lights turned off.
Despite the smile that forcefully is expressed on my lips,
I am crying with heartbreak beyond this mask.
Despite how much I say I wish to live...
All because of you... I don't.
I didn't realize you could change over night,
What happened to the day you were full of delight?
If I knew this was coming... If I knew you,
Perhaps I wouldn't be like this, wandering what to do.
There's no answer that slurs out of your throat,
But I keep analyzing the texts you've wrote.
I'm confused about what I have done, I didn't predict all this,
On that morning before you said what you did, you gave me a kiss.
You say you still feel deep for who I am,
But you still want it to end, you typical man.
I didn't realize your attitude could suddenly sway,
So all I can do from now on is kneel at my bed and prey?
If I knew this was coming... If I knew you,
Perhaps I would have realized what I needed to do.
There's no answers, there's not point to bug you for them,
It wont get me anywhere, anyway. You're no gem.
I should just take it and leave it how it all is,
But I still feel for you, even though you're none of my biz.
You say you still feel deep for who I am...
And I believe you, I'm just a naïve little lamb.
Despite how much I tell you, I don't mind,
That isn't the true feeling that you'll find.
Despite how I talk to you, as though nothings changed,
It's not how I feel, It's not how I am.
Despite how I prey to the lord I believe,
Nothing ever happens, you're never mine...
What i've done here is just spaced ot your poem a little because the verses were far to big in places! Try not to make your stanzas too long. It starts to muffle things up and can even make the poem run a bit less smoothly! Okay i'd like to say you are capable of writing a very good poem! I feel there is a lot of filler in here with some great lines. you should write smaller poems with less lines. I think you'd find this easier! You could nearly make 2 poems out of this one. One good one and one not so good one so your poem is a rather mixed bg of quality. Now please don't get me wrong! I pointed out a lot more of the cons than pros! So don't let me get you down! I think you have lots of potential and if you keep writing you'll most certainly get some good work on paper!
Quite good needs a little polish.
6.5/10
Ps. Excuse any grammer mistakes. It's now the wee hours of the morning for me so i'm a little unwary :P
