Disappeared Under the Sun

[phantom_zangetsu]

yay! this is my first rhyming poem its a bit messy but...it will have to do its just so hard thinking of poems these days... well okay here it is TADA!!!

Disappeared Under the Sun
i was so exited
as i walked out the door
everything was shining
even the floor

i checked my shirt if it was right
everything was perfect
my jeans were tight
and so my journey begins today

but when i went to your house
i saw an empty space
this was a task
so hard to face

i was about to tell you my feelings
but now your gone, its hard seeing
my exitement faded away...
and our paths became astray

the feelings that forever kept
that in your house i left
and untill the day i die
my feelings in your house will lie...


so? how do you like it? okay, critics you may post...now!!

 

[Natsuki]

Disappeared Under the Sun
i was so exited (excited)
as i walked out the door
everything was shining
even the floor

i checked my shirt if it was right
everything was perfect
my jeans were tight
and so my journey begins today

but when i went to your house
i saw an empty space
this was a task
so hard to face

i was about to tell you my feelings
but now your (you're) gone, its (it's) hard seeing
my exitement (excitement) faded away...
and our paths became astray

the feelings that forever kept
that in your house i left
and untill (until) the day i die
my feelings in your house will lie...

Awww, this poem's kind of sad. ;-; People can be so attracted to each other and really love one another. Then your hopes seem to rise up and kiss the stars, you feel that everything's perfect and life truly is worth all you had to put up with. Then the one person who mattered, the one person who could make you smile and make you feel worthwhile...vanishes. Your heart is torn in two, you feel betrayed and abandoned - yet somehow those feelings still remain...and you feel as though those heartfelt emotions will forever burn as strongly for that person as they had the very day you met.

Oh man, I can so relate to that poem. XD I'm afraid I may have digressed it to be a bit deeper than the way you wrote it - but it was fun. XD Only a few minor spelling and grammatical errors, they of course are highlighted in the quote. :3 Also, please capitalize the pronoun "I" in all your pieces of writing. ^^ Overall it was a pretty good poem, nice work~

~Kelsey

 

[Witch Girl Pilar]

Dude, that is like so touching... hey! I gave you the idea of the title name, remember?! Anyways, can't ya make the correct spelling?! It's a nice poem, but it would be nicer if you make the right spelling.

 

[phantom_zangetsu]

hmm...yeah, sorry for the ones reading maybe ill pay a little bit more attention to ms tuba?a lol!!!