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Don't go........

Sasuke_Uchiha

Ready to fight?
    • 87
    Posts
    18
    Years
    Chapter one:The Message

    Sasuke: Don't go kimi!!!
    Kimi:Help me!!!!!
    Sasuke:I will kimi*Starts to run closer to help kimi*Give me your hand
    Kimi:Ok, but I can't reach.Watch out!!!
    Sasuke:for what?
    Kimi:Those men!!
    Sasuke:What, hey get off me!!!
    kimi:Sasuke help me!!!
    Sasuke:I can't move because of the men holding me back.Let me go!!!
    Kimi:Sasuke hurry,help me!
    Sasuke:GET OF ME!!!*unleashes incredible power*how did I do that?
    Kimi:Sasuke!!!
    Sasuke:KIMI!!!!*Starts running but gets cought by the leader*Ahh
    Leader:Ha you think you can save your freind well your wrong!*Grabs sasuke and throws him*
    Sasuke:Ahh.why are you doing this?why would you kidnap my friend kimi?
    Leader:...............I am not telling you nothing only if you want to see your friend agian you must bring me the forbidden scroll.
    Sasuke:What if I don't?
    Leader:Well you can say good-bye to your friend
    Sasuke:No you can't do this
    Leader:Yes I can,remember bring me the forbidden scroll and I will return your friend back If not bye bye kimi....HAHAHA*Disapears*
    Sasuke:Wait! I can't get the forbidden scroll there must be an other way to save my friend..........but what?
     

    Amy-chan

    Has vacated the premises
    • 2,339
    Posts
    20
    Years
    What the...? Eh, what is this, a fanfic, script, screenplay? It would have been helpful to write an explanation before leaping into your jumble of words...

    No offense, but this makes no sense to me. If this is fanfiction, I suppose it's no wonder I don't understand, since I don't know what your story is based on. Nonetheless, I think even those who are familiar with the anime/cartoon/whatever this is meant to reflect will be confused, as you give no full descriptions of the scenes going on, only vague, dry scripting. I noticed several typos, and your use of more than one exclamation mark after certain sentences rather irked me. I'm extremely sorry that I'm being so negative, but this really needs some work. Don't give up, though, alright? I'm sure you could become a great writer if you follow the advice and constructive criticism of others. Feel free to PM me if you need help with your writing, or if you need me to clarify my statements in this post.
     

    Kyosuke

    .·Simple Complexity
    • 2,485
    Posts
    20
    Years
    Don't go........


    It really is hard to give any kind of advice, because there doesn't seem to be any sort of plot or anything, just what seems to be a script of some sort. If you need help on getting started on a fan-fic or a story there are plenty of people who would be glad to help you, including myself, Thorns and I'm sure others as well ^^
     

    ArKiVe

    Back In Black
    • 1,152
    Posts
    18
    Years
    • Age 34
    • USA
    • Seen Oct 30, 2006
    Basically a monologue if anyone reads those kind of things. This kinda sounds like amateur RPing. I think you need to be more descriptive and tell it from a 3rd person point of view better in sentences.
     

    Nao~

    • 20
    Posts
    17
    Years
    • Seen Sep 27, 2006
    This is... pretty bad. You need to use sentences, be descriptive, and don't use script format. It also seems kinda out of character for Sasuke.
     
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