Dr.Latios Stories: The Sick Latios

[Charizard-Kun™]

This is my first story, so I'll try my best.

The Sick Latios​

Once opon atime there was a Docter name Dr.Latios (Thats Me!).He only heals Latios's and Latias's becuse there use to be alot of them in the old days.But now there are two of them (1 Latios, and 1 Latias) , so everyone in theworld trysnot to catch one because they'll be put in jail. This is how the story starts.

Latios was flying over RustBoro City when he found a oran berry.Ovcuse, his heal was full, but he liked oran berries so much that he doesn't care whats going to happen.When he was eating it,a little more blood came into his body. Then, when he had finished it, he started bleeding. This one wasb't any kind of bleed, this one was a dangorus one called bletios. He fainted,then ,grendan (the pokemon emerald boy), came and saw what happened to latios. "What happend to him?" Grendan told himself. Then suddenly, Latias came and carried Latios to the one place he could get cured.

DR.LATIOS'S HOUSE

Grendan ran as fast as he could to Dr.Latios's hosue.When he opened the door, he found him trying to cure Latios. Grendan was relevid, he thought that Latios was going to die!But Dr.Latios suddenly said "I may not cure him....". There was a long silence, then Grendan said in a brave voice " you can't give up, your the world's greatest Latios and Latias Docter!" Dr.Latios cured him and Latios gave him the berry in which he got sick of. Dr.Latios told him in his own language to not eat more than one if his health is full. And this wasthe first time Dr.Latios had saved a Latios in 50 years.

So, what do you thhink?:surprised

 

[Agent9]

it's ok, there's alot of spelling errors though

 

[Charizard-Kun™]

yea, I kinda saw these after I waas done.

 

[oni flygon]

Um... usually when I see something like this, I've no comment.

Just read these threads and you'll be fine:

https://www.pokecommunity.com/threads/46646
https://www.pokecommunity.com/threads/27806

 

[Eevee Trainer]

its ok. just follow akinari's help and it should be better than it is
Just one more thing, who sends out a poll that says: Why did you hate it. I would at least put it as: did you like it?

 

[Kayden the Dragonair]

I have no comment.

I noticed a LOT of grammitical errors, including the fact that you didn?t put a space after the commas and periods. Also, quite a few spelling errors as well. Description could be better. And perhaps, it wouldn?t hurt to make it a tad lengthier.

Other than that, I?m enjoying it.

 

[Charizard-Kun™]

Ya i noticed that too. :(

 

[Super Typhlosion]

Is there really nothing else for you guys to do.. I mean come on a few grammar mistakes dosnt really matter that much so dont make such a big deal about it.. Nice card ;)

 

[Smarties-chan]

I can't say much about this... But what I do know is, that you could be a little more descriptive and you should really write more before you open a thread...

 

[Strawberry Delcatty]

This review isn't exactly top-notch, but I'll try my best to help you improve.

Once opon atime there was a Docter name Dr.Latios (Thats Me!).He only heals Latios's and Latias's becuse there use to be alot of them in the old days.But now there are two of them (1 Latios, and 1 Latias) , so everyone in theworld trysnot to catch one because they'll be put in jail. This is how the story starts.

Once upon a time, there was a doctor named Doctor Latios. He only healed Latios and Latias because there used to be many of them in the old days. Now, there were only a Latios and a Latias. Everyone in the world tried not to catch one because they would be put in jail. This was how the story started.

"Once upon a time" is the WORST way to start a story. It completely destroys the seriousness of the story, and it's also cliched. Unless you're trying to attract kids under the age of seven years old, don't use it. The last sentence needs to go, too.

You also change verb tenses, which we all seem to be guilty of (some more than others). Choose one tense and stick with it.

Just a heads-up: self-inserts are VERY frowned upon (if not worthy of getting on Farla's bad side.)

Finally, I must question the condition of your spacebar, because there are times where you were supposed to separate words. You can see the corrections I made in the second quoted box.

Latios was flying over RustBoro City when he found a oran berry.Ovcuse, his heal was full, but he liked oran berries so much that he doesn't care whats going to happen.When he was eating it,a little more blood came into his body. Then, when he had finished it, he started bleeding. This one wasb't any kind of bleed, this one was a dangorus one called bletios. He fainted,then ,grendan (the pokemon emerald boy), came and saw what happened to latios. "What happend to him?" Grendan told himself. Then suddenly, Latias came and carried Latios to the one place he could get cured.

Latios was flying over Rustboro City when he found an Oran Berry. His heal was full, but he liked Oran Berries so much that he did not care what was going to happen. While he was eating it, a little more blood came into his body. Then, when he had finished it, he started bleeding. This one was not any kind of bleed; this one was a dangerous one called bletios. He fainted, then Grendan came and saw what happened to Latios.

"What happened to him?" Grendan told himself.

Then suddenly, Latias came and carried Latios to the one place he could get cured.

More tense switching and spacing here.

On a more logical since, how could Oran Berries caused bleeding? Also, I didn't read anything about Latios cutting himself, so I'll assume that he was bleeding internally.

Also, DON'T describe your characters as "this character from (insert anime here)" or "that character from (inset game here)". Save that kind of stuff for author's notes, which should be placed at either the beginning or the end of the chapter/story.

Also, how could Latias carry a Latios? And why did Grendan say anything about Latias? In fact, why the Grendan stop in his tracks at the sight of Latios? If I saw an injured legendary Pokemon, I would at least ask myself where the heck it came from.

DR.LATIOS'S HOUSE

Grendan ran as fast as he could to Dr.Latios's hosue.When he opened the door, he found him trying to cure Latios. Grendan was relevid, he thought that Latios was going to die!But Dr.Latios suddenly said "I may not cure him....". There was a long silence, then Grendan said in a brave voice " you can't give up, your the world's greatest Latios and Latias Docter!" Dr.Latios cured him and Latios gave him the berry in which he got sick of. Dr.Latios told him in his own language to not eat more than one if his health is full. And this wasthe first time Dr.Latios had saved a Latios in 50 years.

Grendan ran as fast as he could to Doctor Latios's house. When he opened the door, he found him trying to cure Latios. Grendan was relieved; he thought that Latios was going to die!

"I may not cure him..." Doctor Latios said suddenly.

"You can't give up," said Grendan bravefully after a long silence. "You're the world's greatest Latios and Latias doctor!"

Doctor Latios cured him, and Latios gave him the berry in which he got sick of. The doctor told him in his own language to not eat more than one if his health is full, and this was the first time Doctor Latios had saved a Latios in 50 years.

Tense got better at this part, but the spacing problem still remains. I'm getting the feeling that you haven't even bothered to check over this before you posted it.

Also, Doctor Latios cured the Latios rather quickly, and he talked to the Latios too. I'm sensing a Gary-Stu...

Overall, this story is bad. Why?

First off, the pacing was awful. A Latios got sick from eating an Oran Berry, a random kid finds Latios, and Latios is taken to the doctor and gets cured. If someone could summarize your story like that, there's some MAJOR problems with the pacing. Tell us how all this stuff happens.

Second, the lack of proofreading shows. Grammar, spelling, and spacing problems should not happen if you took the time and read over your work. Here's a tip: after you finish the story, don't look at it for at least 24 hours. When you get back to it, you're reading it from a different point of view. Beta readers would help you there as well. However, don't ask me to be one because I'm pretty bad at proofreading.

Third, your characters could use some work. Doctor Latios seems too good to be true (aka the definition of a Gary-Stu, the male counterpart of the Mary Sue), and the fact that he shares your username doesn't help either. Grendan is just a random kid, and Latios and Latias were just there (especially Latias, since all she did was carry Latios to Doctor Latios).

Fourth, description is nonexistant. Where are the characters? In outer space? On a farm? On the set of That's So Raven? Don't expect the reader to be psychic (no TSR pun intended). You tell to let us KNOW what Rustboro City looks like, what the characters look like, and it wouldn't hurt to give the Pokemon some description.

Fifth, it's too short. Chapters should be a page long on Microsoft Word.

I give you a pat on the back for trying, but you have a LONG way to go in order to be a good writer. Read the advice threads and some of the fics that got Frostweaver's Standard of Excellence. Maybe you will learn a thing or two.

 

[Eevee Trainer]

Latios was flying over RustBoro City when he found a oran berry.Ovcuse, his heal was full, but he liked oran berries so much that he doesn't care whats going to happen.When he was eating it,a little more blood came into his body. Then, when he had finished it, he started bleeding. This one wasb't any kind of bleed, this one was a dangorus one called bletios. He fainted,then ,grendan (the pokemon emerald boy), came and saw what happened to latios. "What happend to him?" Grendan told himself. Then suddenly, Latias came and carried Latios to the one place he could get cured.

Spelling corrections to this in order and what you originally had in ()
1. Rustboro City
2. Oran Berry (oran berry)
3. Of course (ovcuse)
4. health (heal)
5. wasn't (wasbn't)
6. blood (bleed)
7. dangerous (dangorus)
8. Grendan (grendan)
9. Latios (latios)

 

[Alter Ego]

Well...Strawberry Delcatty actually summed up my opinion on this quite nicely. (Seems like a fairly good proofread to me, dunno why she's bashing it herself o_O) Your plot is way too short and makes very little sense (When exactly was there an abundance of Latias and Latios and how on earth did the doctor dude survive longer than they did? How do Oran Berries cause bleeding? Who's Grendan (I'm quite confident that the anime character is called Brendan)?), the story lacks description, and don't even get me started about spelling and grammar...-_- Also, intrusive narration (Adding small side-remarks like this one) is a technique that should be used with consideration as it has the effect of breaking the mood of the story, not that this one had any mood to speak of mind you, and, quite frankly, making it look terribly N00Bish. Also, starting out your story with 'Once upon a time...' is practically begging for your story to be pegged as kiddie-writing without any kind of literary value, so unless you're consciously aiming to create that effect then try to come up with something original. Overall, I suppose you deserve some credit for effort, but that's about all I can see here...and I'm thinking that more effort could actually have been put into it too. Judging by the length and appearance of it you probably didn't even read it through after typing it out. Trust me, you should always read what you've written. If you don't, it shows. And it shows in a very negative way.

Put some more effort into it and try again, grasshopper.