[Pokémon] Dusk Brawler [M]

Bay

Bay

  • Very Chatty Chatot Chatty Chatot Silver Heart Pink Heart
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    Oh hey, this story's back! I remember the first time it's posted the beginning was more kind slice of life where everything was peaceful and the brawl didn't happen until later. While I was okay with that, this new beginning does a much better job of setting up what kind of story this will be about. I do like Sam hesitate to continue battling near the end, though I would like more of Luna's reactions during the fight with Machop too. Maybe Luna held back from fighting for a second and could tell her trainer didn't want to do it too.

    I'm pretty excited the new changes you'll have with this story!
     
    Chapter 2, oh hey I vaguely remember Sam having a villian like persona midway through the original version, so looks like he's probably going back to that. Phantom of the Opera in the making, folks. I also remember Brendon and seems you're bringing back their rivalry there. Sam seems pretty stubborn there not willing to at least accpet the internship. Also, spot the Sinex reference there.

    Chapter 3, that Luna sure is a firecracker as I remembered, heh. I think this is the first time you have decibel mentioned and how that could be a deciding factor in matches sometimes. I'm not too worried over how Luna got Shadow Ball, though for the context of the story the people that have seen Sam fought before would be baffled. Also yup, that sly trick with Combusken would be known sooner or later. Fun battle overall, though.
     
    Can see you still keep the basic of Sam's motivation for brawling (money for his education), but the events surrounding it going differently. This time it's Sinex pulling out the funds, which makes me curious what role they have for this story. I think the plot's going a bit faster now since last time you have Sam getting used to Pokemon brawls while this one Sam's already experienced in that field. One other thing I spot is the short description of an officer...

    Sam took an empty booth and glanced across the restaurant. A young couple shared cups of tea, and an older, grizzled gentleman sipped black coffee as he read newspaper. A flash of gold made Sam stare at the old man longer, and after a minute, he glimpsed the man's police badge, tucked underneath his coat.
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    Will he make a comeback soon too, then? =P
     
    Of course there will be a 'burn heal' reference in a Pokemon story. =P

    I would have thought Luna's at a big disadvantage due to Machoke being a fighting type, but can tell Sam loves a challenge. I take it this brawl place doesn't take into decibel like the one Sam used to be in? at this rate, Shadow Ball will be Luna's signature move, lol. Also looks like the police's role here is a bit different. Bunny there seems pretty chill.
     
    Somehow I missed it when you posted Chapter 6, oops. But hey, double review today.

    Chapter 6
    Well, that's some daydream Sam had with that bunny police huh? LOL. Onto something more serious, the part with Brendon and Sam, that's a tense moment between them. And I'm keeping an eye on Doctor Drake there.

    Chapter 7
    One minor thing I want to point out. After the battle with Axel and before Mr. Gold's battle, I think you missed a description of Axel getting out of the ring.

    I think one other difference from this version and the original version is you're having Sam more hesitant towards Luna and other Pokemon fighting. I think last time you would have him do anything to get what he wanted, but in this chapter his feelings are different. I'm liking the character development in this version better. Looks like that attorney from the last version makes a return though, so it should be interesting if things will play out differently.
     
    Commenting before I get seriously behind lol.

    Yup I remember that Pidgeot there. The events are mostly the same but Sam's reactions and actions there are different. Before he was willing to get another Pokemon because he wouldn't get through just Luna, but here you have him more concern for Cloud. I do like you showcased him taking care of Cloud to relate to his interest as a Pokemon professor. Would be interesting if Cloud and Luna get to interact. Looking forward to how Cloud fares in battle.
     
    Chapter Ten
    Can see this is more of a calm before the storm chapter and good oppurtunity for Sam to feel unease with his upcoming fight. This version you also took more time until for Luna to evolve, but I think this works since you've been slowing the action down a bit compared to the original story (not a bad thing!). I do remember when Luna evolved as Umbreon she was in a similar type disadvantage, this does make me wonder if you'll go with that plot twist you had last time or not.

    Chapter Eleven
    Gah, I got the comments for Ch. Ten written but haven't gotten the chance to post it yet. Thank goodness you won't update tomorrow as I need time to read the other fics and play more Moon. =P

    Anyways, seems my assumption is wrong and you'll have Luna as Umbreon throughout this story. This could be a better tradeoff as seems Sam will be conflicted whether to continue brawling or not instead of Luna's dilemma from the last version. I did thought for a moment she won and I was gonna be like, "Nice," but that wasn't the case. Poor her, aw. At least Gold is nice enough to give Sam the potions.
     
    "I didn't introduce myself, did I?" the officer asked. "Bad habit of mine." He held out his hand and said, "I'm Officer Baylor, but you can call me Alex."
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    I see what you did there. =P

    "Any reason?" Alex cocked his head and said, "I suppose not. Why, and I making you feel uncomfortable?"
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    "Am", I assume?

    Interesting interaction between Sam and Alex there. Can't remember how it went in the original version, but looks like Alex isn't aware of Sam's brawling yet. I also like the short part with Sam and his mom there. That reminds me, have he shown her Luna's new form yet, haha.
     
    I admit I don't have much to say on twelve as you mentioned it's a bit more of a set up. I think the rules are more or less similar from last version, though. I can say also the addition of the bunny cops makes things more interesting, lol. Sam got to show off more of his expertise there, though makes me wonder if he'll reconsider or do something if he keeps finding out the conditions of the brawling Pokemon.
     
    That's some showdown Sam and Alex had there. I did admit being thrown off a bit with Sam having another Pokemon, but at least for this scene they all made an appearance. I wonder if we'll get some reaction of Alex figuring out Sam is Feathers soon. And oh dear, that doctor again. Him getting Sam's blood doesn't sound too good.
     
    Brandon stopped and took out his tablet. The blue dot appeared right in front of his green, steadily moving away from him as Feathers kept walking. When Feathers stopped, the dot stopped.

    ?Keep moving,? Feathers said. ?I don?t have all night.?

    ?Sam,? Brandon said.

    Sam turned towards him, silent at first, then he said, ?You?ve had a long night. Just go home.?
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    This part I think you could do more with Brandon's reaction upon finding out Sam is Feathers. Maybe some sort of body language or how his voice changed. Otherwise, this is a nice look into Brandon's perspective this chapter and his feelings/emotions over Sam's behavior.
     
    Oh, so now Sam seems to be getting some sort of powers, huh? While you did some foreshadowing like the doctor's visits, it did took a while for that twist to come. Does also make me wonder if you'll still have Sam be conflicted with being a brawler and how this new ability of his will change things (pun intended =P ).

    Spoiler:
     
    "Then what's bad about it?"

    "Y-you don't think it's bad?"

    "It's weird as ****, Brandon, but I wouldn't call it wrong."

    "But – but why?"
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    I feel this part you can add a bit more body lanugage on Brandon's parts.

    So Emily kinda has a thing for Sam, huh? That might make their interactions more awkward heh. I can understand her frustration over Sam distancing himself from everyone, though

    I have a feeling those videos will come to bite back at Sam sooner or later. As for Brandon and Marianne being together, I know this isn't the first time you featured a human and Pokemon together. I can understand not every will like that kind of interaction, but I'm not bothered by it. Also curious about the samples Brandon's father just took.
     
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    I expected sooner or later Sam will use his powers on one of his heists and indeed he did. What I least expected though is a different voice talking to Sam. Also spotted the "blue eyes" reference again, which I'm assuming will come to play later.

    Spoiler:
     
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