And just when I finished the review, I visited the Pokemontower as Katsuro bought up the topic. Clicked the button for "return to main page" and C++ error killed the fanfic review >_>; Sigh...
With this in mind, I'll try to retype it out of memory, so I won't actually quote stuff.
@ Hooves of Flames, Phantom Mew
Title- 3/5
5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story
4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story
3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is clich?
2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories
1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories
-any story that talks of Ponyta/Rapidash fits... it's very general this way. It only illuminates the reader regarding the protagonist's Pokemon, and that is all. A good title should be more fitting.
Narrative Manner- 2/5
5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story
4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story
3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story
2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect
1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story
-the prologue is completely destroyed by the narrative manner... The prologue is talking like a commentary. It is trying to explain things, and tell the reason why for the huge change from the Pokemon world the readers know and love. Have to keep in mind that a commentary is almost like an essay. It relies on heavy support with concrete evidence in order to carry out its claims. However, for a commentary narrative, the prologue doesn't have any of those qualities to explain such a dramatic transition.
-using "this is her story" is a really bad way to begin an in media res or a flashback... there are a lot of better and less-corny ways.
Grammar/Coherence- 7/10
10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot
-due to the error earlier, can't do any quoting for grammar, but then I found quite a bit before O.o;
-a lot of mistakes deal with the improper usage of independent clauses with conjunctions. Conjunctions join 2 independent sentences together. However, the way you used conjunction doesn't necessarily do that. Sometimes, one of the clauses are actually dependent.
-there are some run on mistakes as well. Be sure to remind yourself that "be" and "is" are also verbs.
-there are also 2 or 3 misspelled words. 2 of them are unacceptable, being an obvious mistake for the spellchecker. (I double checked Australia and British english this time too, so they shouldn't exist.) One of them is like "equpt" or something, instead of equip.
-there are some incoherent parts for the story. They are mentioned in other categories in the review because they are tied in with multiple categories.
Major Character(s)- 8/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.
-Treena is a very limited character. Besides the facts that she's a horse fanatic and is passionate to help Ponyta from Team Rocket for no particular reason, we don't know anything about her. She is quite lacking in character development. We see this clearly when Ponyta uses flamethrower. Her fear lasts for one sentence's worth at the face of Pokemon's supernatural power, and that is all. She even brings the horse home, despite of the potential danger of Ponyta who actually has no relationship with her... The plot is advancing quickly, yet all the characters are staying the same.
-she helps out Ponyta without a single doubt that Team Rocket is the bad guys. It's "logic" according to the story. Well, logic doesn't work too well for Treena as Ponyta's flamethrower ability isn't all that logical either. This part of her character seems a bit unreal (and the story never told us that she is naive either, so...)
-Treena's clothing is really weird... She has short hair because it's too hot, but then wears jeans and in black too. I was thinking of pure white clothing with the shortless sleeves available. Later, she has a poncho just to make everything even more bizarre. Think the pancho was used as a disguise for Treena, but then the story isn't too clear with the concept.
-Vladimir has a bizarre way of thinking. He fears that Treena will enter the academy. However, the prologue restricts us to always assume that no one can enter the Sillion so easily. The prologue's restriction makes Validimir unrealistic in his thinking.
-You sure that "to rule with great peace" is a fitting name for a Rocket leader? Personally, I doubt that.
Minor Character(s)- 2/5
5 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
4 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
3 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
2 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story
-we have a Penelope and a Henry as mother and father... ending up with the symbol for the greatest extreme in terms of a marriage relationship. Names seem to be very promising for some important and symbolicly relevant characters, yet they are doing nothing. They do not act as mentors, nor they even give any form of support to Treena... They exist for the sake of existing. If that is the case, then why give them names as if they aren't flat characters? I don't see why they are here at all so far...
Story Details- 7/10
9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components
7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged
-In fact, the setting will qualify for the real life universe if it's not for the names of the 3 region, and Slateport. One begins to wonder why the author doesn't let the story take place in real life at all. In practice, there is no difference between the Pokemon world (excluding Scilion) and the real world after that dramatic change.
-the entire Blanca scene makes the other experiences with the other horses awkward. She isn't doing too well with Blanca, yet is described as a galloping legend. This contrast is definitely awkward. I'm not sure if it's even suppose to act as a contrast too. But I'll wait on this to see if this event will be used later.
-there's actually some potential in story detail, but sadly they aren't being abused. For example, the fact that Treena is homeschooled can be quite important later on. The oasis is also very informative if manipulated correctly. Hopefully, you'll take good use of some of these details.
Conflict- 2/5
5 At least 3 conflicts are present, ?good and evil? cannot be divided
4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, ?good and evil? are questionable
3 ?Man vs. Man? along other conflicts, but ?good and evil? are obvious
2 ?Man vs. Man? only, good and evil are obvious
1 ?Man vs. Man? only, ending is highly predictable
-too obvious that it's going to be man vs. man, with Treena against the Rocket leader Vladimir (a russian leader instead of an italian leader now? haha). And then Treena shall be enrolled into the academy through some way or another, regardless of how Vladimir tries to stop her. Ponyta is going to be her Pokemon, and together they will put a stop to Team Rocket's whatever evil plan. When the backbone structure of the story is dug out so easily, there's probably some problems... Lack of character definitely affects the conflict. The other way to fix this problem is to change the story structure.
Diction/Tone- 8/15
14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but are not relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author
-there's actually plenty of words that are used with the wrong connotation in mind. For example, the Rocket uniform is said to have the "R" emblazoned. Emblazon is used only if what is being displayed wants to be seen in the light with high regard, or worth celebrating about. Team Rocket doesn't qualify for these attributes, so the word is used wrongly.
-I remember that the word "anal" is used somewhere. This highly informal and rough language is definitely not necessary. The narrator have to remain neutral if the narrator isn't taking the side of a particular character. Since the narrator doesn't side with anyone in this story, he must remain formal. On top of that, the rough tone isn't supported anywhere else in the story. This will really have an effect on your reader in terms of what they think regarding your literacy level.
-there are some other oddball sentences out there that's rather wordy, but is grammatically correct. Watch out for those.
Story Structure- 8/15
14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components
-never so thrilled on dreams that show a direct relationship between the characters and what is to happen. It's again, another very weak way to cast foreshadowing.
-story structures itself to be very predictable. It's straightforward, focusing only on the plot aspect out of the 5 components. The other components seem to be left behind.
Effort- 7/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author?s re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.
-use a spellcheck, and consider hiring a beta reader to help out with some obvious mistakes in the story
Literal Device Bonus- + 0/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style /1, Foil /1, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony /2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols /3, Theme /3)
Total: 54
