Fanfiction Lounge

Status
Not open for further replies.
Yay Frosty no longer banned from the computer ^^ Back to fanfic reading... So many to read O.o; Once again I'll read Road to Palantria and Call of Dragons later as they're fine off the ground compare to the other fanfics who are more likely to need the constructive criticism that they need/hate.

@ A Wonderful Journey

-OT fanfic... instant alert for all readers/the author that hopefully the plot gets some good twists *real soon* before we all get bored half death because it's a repeat of the anime, with different characters/settings/wordings

-present and past tense cannot possibly co-exist (pretty much except for a few very rare cases)... choose one and stick with it

-now just like Road to Palantria, I'm never thrilled with an entire paragraph dedicated to character description. It's nice to see description, but do try to insert some action (can be very minor action, nothing plot-breaking) in between.

-never never go "<text> and <text> and <text> and..." and so on like that. It's very repetitive, and is a sure indicator that you're only so far away from being a run-on sentence. Try to break it up into difference sentences, or use other conjunctions.

-let's stress this fact again... description without any action can be very boring and repetitive.

-watch grammar mistakes and especially punctuations

-watch out for corny wordings, such as " Because Koffing tackled Brenda, Paul really gets angry and throws a pokeball in the air."

-now here's a plot flaw... how come Ponyta's as weak as an egg being pursuited by Team Thunder before the protagonists arrive, yet becomes superior right after they are there? Rather unrealistic right there...

-battles are anime styled battling... and no OTs want even more similarities with the anime. Try to slowly eliminate anime styled battling bits by bits

-characters have close to no personalities... it's the anime all over again o.o;

-even the gym is direct copy and paste from the anime >>; not my taste really.
 
I have redesigned Entei..
The pic is in my fic Pokemon beyond

More updates again
 
Last edited:
I made up a one shot. =D I prefer them so much better since you don't need to update. I think I just posted it not long ago...I think I'll stick to doing one shots unless I can force myself to write chapters, which I am not good at.
 
Pogiforce-14 said:
I forgot how much Frosty's reviews resemble a cold knife to the back. :\ *shudders*
Click to expand...
*gives a rep to him and Kairi*

@ Pokemon Neo: Armageddon version 2

-minor repetition problem, as you kinda repeated yourself about how the streets are bare right after how you just mentioned it

-minor grammar mistakes, but don't we all have them... maybe besides LilyPichu and Neo Pikachu

-?You shouldn?t be here son.? Norman choked, rubbing his throat tenderly. ?They want to kill you. You have to run.?

It is something a father will say, but the tone and diction can be worked upon. Norman sounds monotone or rather weak in tone for a life/death critical situation. Try something along the line of "Don't you realize that they're here for you? You should have ran, far from here while you got the chance!" or something like that (that was probably bad though as not much thought is given to it.) It's diction... like how should is a stronger verb than have.

-during the time between the Petalburg event and the Littleroot fire, Seth is actting... let's say unusually calm knowing that his father is long dead already. Besides this being the only thing that's annoying me, this version of the prologue is very well done compare to the last one. Blaziken doing the running is a lot more believable than some human boy running around to dodge bullets as if Neo from Matrix possessed him or something...
 
I'm glad you find teh blaziekn aprt more believable. The reason why I had Seth so calm acting was because he was in a state of suspended disbelief. All he felt ws the urge to go home and warn his mom. And he didn't know his father had been killed, although he suspected it, since that was after he had run away. All he had known was that his father had been shot with a handgun, which people can live through. As far as he knew, anything could hve happened after he left. Norman might have found a way out. ANd the reason I made Norman's sentences so short and lacking in more Vibrant wording was because you said last time he was doing too much talking. :\ I'm going to move on nowand work more on finishing the story after I finish redoing chapter 1. I'll start revamping the rest of the chapters after then. :\

edit: And the reason why the streets where mentioned twice was because the first time was by the narrator, and the second time was by Seth's own observation. I can edit it out so that only Seth makes the observation, so that it's touched on in a way that will make it more appealing.
 
Frostyyyyyyy

;_; If you don't, one of your excellent ubergood reviews on *points to her one shot* that bad fic over there. Mmm course, if you're busy or not up to it, I understand, but if you have extra free time I mean, or if you don't have anythign else to do..er..

I'll shut up now. o.o;
 
-better way to reword Norman: "Run! Get Away from here!" Short and powerful, yetprecise too =) Before I didn't think about it too much

-now there's no reason to double the narration since the story is a 3rd person narrative, with its POV mostly fixed around Seth. Just because it's not 1st person of Seth, the narration picking it up is as good as Seth picking it up for the readers, but it's a good thing that you're thinking about it

-suspended disbelief isn't calm. They're different in tone again

^^ I'll read the other fics later... have to check up on my dad and do all those hideous labs >>;

EDIT: *waves hi to LilyPichu* haven't seen you for a long time now ^-^ I'll be sure to read it asap!
 
hmm thank you! I'm really sorry if I'm pushing you or anything, but thanks! ^_^

*waves back*
 
Ok, I've added Chapter 4 to my first ever fanfic, A Hero Emerges. All comments are welcome.
 
And once again, LilyPichu has outdone herself... One of an uncomparable story for all Pokemon fanfics in history...


@ Forgiving Tears

-commas and periods... they are not interchangable ^_^; gotta watch out for them. In the introduction you tend to mix them up quite a few times.

-biggest problem: past tense and present tense. Choose one, and stick with it. The first half of the story is past tense, and the 2nd half is present? That is the only thing really worth complaining about in the entire story.

-*puts a huge supposedly cool looking label: "Greatest Pokemon Irony of all Time"*

-hmm either I'm seeing things or none of you fellow readers are seeing the carefully planned things within this fanfic. I can go on for a very long time analyzing this story to the depth of the sea for it, but nah as that'll bore too much ppl... I'll sum it up.

-This isn't a sad story, but rather a story about irony. Vaporeon isn't as forgiving as it claims to be, as it holds on much bitterness and hatred even when it dies. Vaporeon's tone doesn't sound very forgiving throughout the entire story, and greatly lacks the idea of "innocense" throughout the entire story (even when it is narrating its own life before having a trainer.) In a pro narrative story like this, readers always have to keep in mind if the narrator is believable and is telling the complete truth. The narrator is also a character, meaning that it can lie just like any other character (therefore, the narration may just be FALSE.) This is exactly what Vaporeon is doing. Not everything is the complete and total truth (or maybe it doesn't even realize what it's saying.)

For example, Vaporeon is displeased regarding the 2nd female trainer and winning the various medals (which I will guess to be contests but it's lacking a little bit of info to reassure that guess), how she says "I did it!" Vaporeon is upset how she didn't do anything, that it did all the work within whatever it has to go through. It claims that she is selfish and arrogant, and so it refuses to really love her. However, the ironic thing is that Vaporeon is equally selfish and arrogant in return. Vaporeon doesn't give credit to the girl who taught her acid armor, and says "I did it." It's the same thing as what the trainer has just said. It's the complete joy of irony ^_^ There are many other carefully laid examples of this.

Forgiving Tears not only demonstrates great usage of irony, but character description in its ultimate form- implicit descriptions. It's not like those stories that spend a whole paragraph(s) on character description, like "Vaporeon has a blue scaly body, a dorsal fin and has a fine long tail. It likes to play around near the water" and blah blah blah. In this fanfic, very little about Vaporeon's personality is narrated. Only something about Vaporeon's past is talked about. All the other stuff, such as Vaporeon's arrogant and selfish nature, is not said out loud but requires the readers to think about it in order to understand. The descriptions are all there, but it will depend on the readers to find it. (gurantee you, someone will complain about lack of "description and everything else" eventually) Very brilliant piece of work, very well done! Great job!

Overall rating- very impressed...
 
Last edited:
OMG you're the best frost! ^_^ *hugs*

Hm, true you have pointed out the irony of my whole 'dramatic' story, and most readers elsewhere merely pointed out the 'poetic flow' of the story, nothing about irony. I didn't think...anyone would point out that the Vaporeon was being selfish and arrogant a bit without actually indicating it, and you're like, the first person who didn't show actual pity for the Vaporeon.

Once again, thank you for the review. Oh, and I suppose I better work on my past and present tense. I tend to write like that for some reason, it sounds good. oO;

Frost, you are an excellent reviewer. OMG ><;

*hugs*
 
I think that the "poetic" thing is only a misuse of literary terms. In poems we tend to expect these kind of things right away. If it's a poem, then everything is implicit (as it can't spare the length for explicit details) and there must be a well hidden theme. Since this story shares the hidden qualities all the other good poems in the world share, whoever that reader is must have mixed up this feeling of implicit sceneries with poetry. So really whoever read that has succeeded in picking up something, just not quite there yet. I'm very sure that if he or she rereads the story again, s/he will pick it up surely.

You're really overrating me ^_^; I do write myself, but really I can't think of ways to write so well myself. I am just better at complaining and whining XD

I dunno how the others are feeling sorry for Vaporeon. The tone is just so terrible that it's by no way forgiving. I mean just because the title say so, doesn't mean that "forgiveness is the theme!" The Vaporeon, who's suppose to be pitied, died not at the pond, but when it shed the tear (*pokes the title*) in its first Pokemon battle. From that point onward, Vaporeon is not to be pitied as it hates absolutely everything and is becoming one of the trainers itself. It doesn't even pity its own kind who's also trapped to Pokeballs and the brutal life of training. Not to be pitied!

More likely, the title suggests how the beauty of forgiveness was shed away during that scene, and Vaporeon went on a dark and miserable life from that point onward, corrupted to the bones. The vocabulary of "forgiveness" is with it as indicated by the end, but the meaning was long lost.
 
You've just outdone yourself reading this, seriously. NO one has ever pointed out those things of my fics, thinking forgiveness as in my fic meant to feel pity for the Vaporeon after all she's been through, but really as I said in my fic, one mustn't make hasty judgements about the main character. The last paragraph was just...wow. You just...wow. I just can't explain it, but you kinda did it all for me so meh.

By poetic sense, I meant the natural flow of how the story went along. I'm not sure if I entirely agree with that idea, but I did try to do that, and obviously I failed. *smacks self*

OMG you should take up a job as a reviewer. I'm sure the wages are high for that. And it 'shows' by all means that you are certainly experienced with the whole concept of writing, based upon your reviews and all.

^_^...
 
Said by the 12 year old girl who can write something at this high writing level? heh ^^; When did the reviewer get more credit than the brilliant writer herself?

Some fanfics I can start reading it and know that it's going to be "character description, setting, plot plot plot, setting, plot plot plot, a twist! then plot plot plot to the end." Those fanfics you just have to cruise through them to see what's happening if it interests you. Not that those fanfics are bad, but it's less time consuming for readers as they can be careless and just fly through it, and that its easier for the nerves because now you don't need to use so much storage space for "oh wait isn't this a repetition line? So it must be important! Hmm let's reread this paragraph to see what's so important" and so on.

This fanfic is one of those ones like the short stories you get as English homework. I seriously had to keep a lot of things in mind in order to pick up some things that I could have missed if I didn't take English from my current teacher, who I hate a lot but nevertheless a teacher who taught me a lot about picking up these types of stuff. So yeah pretty much I have to treat this as reading an English assignment in order to pick up all that there is, and those assignments are usually written by professionals. So certainly you've outdone yourself by a heavy lot, oh miss 12 year old writing in almost professional level. ;p

And if I'm really that good at picking up these analyzes, I won't have to drop out of English IB and go to English regular for school then >>; Plus I personally "think" that I should be able to pick out at least a feel things like that, considering that I did afterall take 4 more years of English than you XD;;; I being able to pick out these things is not because of "oh superior intelligence from Frosty," but "well guess the government isn't wasting the tax payer's money for the education system afterall."

Ok ok I'll shut up about all these reading junkie now >>;


Oh and the poetry thing! The flow of the story isn't called "poetic feel" but it's called transition. It's not a "bonus" like how the irony and repetition are present in this fanfic. Transition are a must. I didn't say anything about it, because it is there. If I say something about it, then you know that you're messed XD (oh I'm very sure many other authors died at that already... oh those who got stabbed by my cold knife of death in the heart will surely understand!)
 
I'm not 12. I'm a 17 yr old in disguise as a 12 yr old. *whistles innocently* And it isn't high writing level or brilliancy...just a few fancy words stirnged together. ^_^

mmm the reviewer should get better credit because you're the one who actually helped me depict my flaws and the improvements a story could make. You really are good at noticing these things about my story, you do know that? oO; Not all reviewers I have met could do that, save for a certain 15 yr old. :P And I do not write in a professional level! ;-; I am far from that degree, and no, I'm not sounding modest or anything, just truthful..

And you go to a different english class? Wow, it shows...And um this part, "well guess the government isn't wasting the tax payer's money for the education system afterall." <- LOL on that one. XD I wish my school would teach more than just the basic writing skills and all. I mean, great review but gets quite tedious after some time stating well...>_>

*unshuts frost*

Now why would a person shut up when the reader is enjoying reading these things? o.o
 
oh you shut up because it's just not right when 2 people hog an entire lounge for themselves, when a lounge is "supposedly to be shared by everyone" XD; Then again, hardly anyone else is using it except for advertisement purposes... I'm like the only one who actually put reviews at this place instead of the same thread as the story o.o;

*cough cough*

And it's enough to say a high level writing when a few fancy words are being strung together in a certain complicated manner, which is lacking in many author's writing, including my own ^^;

Now like what I said before, reviewing is a lot easier than writing. I try to write something, then dump it down for 2 weeks before I post it. After 2 weeks, you are no longer the "writer" but a normal reviewer as the sense of familiarity is fading. Then you start picking out flaws. Though I can manage to pick out some more grammatical flaws here and there, and change one or two wordings, I really cannot manage to plan out irony, as it's just so difficult to write. Angst and hatred are personally easy for me as well, as tone and repetition takes care of that easily, but irony... it just takes so much planning that my head exploded when I try to include and plan out irony in my own story. I mean irony can make a work super famous even if it's nothing out of the ordinary in terms of plot! The story of King Oedipus is classical example. The plot isn't really that good, and it's very disgusting, yet it's considered one of the best play around the world, because it has absolutely nothing but irony. Of course you are still far away from the truly professionals who are making big bucks through writing (nah they don't mix up their tenses XD), but still for a 12 year old, you are out of the league of even senior high/high school. And just keep waiting until 14, then the first Literature Analyze assignment should present itself... somewhere around there they will finally drop those boring grammar worksheets. XD

And like I said again, I am no longer in English-IB, because I just suck too much to continue in that rank of supremacy... if my English skill is really as decent as you claim it to be, then I would have been able to at least survive in English-IB, not drop out of it and back to English regular... ;_;

(PS: So agree with you regarding 1 shots... just take your time to write it, and poof it's done! No need to worry about people going "so when's the next chapter" XD;; That is, if I can ever write to the point of having fans saying that ^^')

*cough cough*
(realizes that he's saying too much irrelevant things again)
 
Ah! Thinking you are corrupting a 12 yr old's mind again? :P

Yes, take pride into being hoggers of the fanfic lounge. o.o

Irony...Well, my literature class has started learning it not long ago, and my writing just comes out like that as much as I want it to transvert back to a bit...'happier' ones in term. Mmm based upon your reviews and your expertise at it, you ARE a good writer IkowitIknowitIknowit! ;-; *wants to read one of frost's stories o.o* But well, I know there are plenty of better writers than me who are the same age as me...so I always feel I'm not good enough..strange...
 
LilyPichu said:
Yes, take pride into being hoggers of the fanfic lounge. o.o
Click to expand...
this must be something with pokemon board mods... it's just like the PC mod lounge! Take over a topic, move it away from its original purpose, and hog it until the next morning where it gets taken over by other mods! XD;; o.o; I wonder if SPPF allows mods to slack off like that within their mod exclusive part of the forum.

LilyPichu said:
Irony...Well, my literature class has started learning it not long ago, and my writing just comes out like that as much as I want it to transvert back to a bit...'happier' ones in term. Mmm based upon your reviews and your expertise at it, you ARE a good writer IkowitIknowitIknowit! ;-; *wants to read one of frost's stories o.o*
Click to expand...
Like what I said last time when we PM chatted, you're just born with the gift of writing. ^_^ Err... the only story I ever wrote and I think that it's semi-successful is Mere Velleity. Meh... I think that the link is still connected within the Fanfic of the Month page. Again it's one of our typical "sad, cry and hate" fanfic. I tried a more happier one with Another Way of Battling but then I realized that happy things are just not meant for me. Let's just stick with evil, hatred, betrayal and various evil stuff for my story XD;

I am working on one but it's not getting off the ground, because stupid homework is sapping my time like crazy ;_;

LilyPichu said:
But well, I know there are plenty of better writers than me who are the same age as me...so I always feel I'm not good enough..strange...
Click to expand...
At the same time why don't I compare myself with Marie Curie who discovered radioactivity before she even got her degree in chemistry... >>; Now we know that LilyPichu is either an overarchiever who wants to out-write Shakespear before the age of 20, or is just so humble regarding her own skills ^_^

Ok just to steer this on-track a little... a dear poem that I thought you maybe interested in. It also talks of irony, and is like... my homework! Yay! But then I have full confidence that you'll understand this perfectly, as the ironic stuff isn't that much different from your own fanfic anyway. Also one way to improvement writing is reading. So it will surely help you if you see how professionals handle irony, then you can compare it to your own and make future changes.

note: few things worth noting about in case if you don't know if you're reading this poem:

-World War 2 within Europe is taking place, and the Germans are attacking the rest of Europe... well there are others but mainly Germans. Westminster is a place in England...

-there's also a few older english vocab like "vox humana" but unfortunately I can't find the definition of these words for you... sorry ;_; But either way, you can still draw irony from this poem regardless of those words, as irony is absolutely everywhere. This poem also got character description about whoever is narrating this, just like how Vaporeon narrates your fanfic. Quite a bit of similarities in its own way regarding narration... mmhmm. Try to read this if you have the time ^_^;

(for those other writers out there, feel free to read this as well and try to analyze the living daylight out of this, in order to improve your own writing)


[font=sans-serif,Helvetia,Arial]In Westminster Abbey[/font] [font=Courier,sans-serif] [/font] [font=Courier,sans-serif]Let me take this other glove off
As the vox humana swells,
And the beauteous fields of Eden
Bask beneath the Abbey bells.
Here, where England's statesmen lie,
Listen to a lady's cry.

Gracious Lord, oh bomb the Germans.
Spare their women for Thy Sake,
And if that is not too easy
We will pardon Thy Mistake.
But, gracious Lord, whate'er shall be,
Don't let anyone bomb me.

Keep our Empire undismembered
Guide our Forces by Thy Hand,
Gallant blacks from far Jamaica,
Honduras and Togoland;
Protect them Lord in all their fights,
And, even more, protect the whites.

Think of what our Nation stands for,
Books from Boots and country lanes,
Free speech, free passes, class distinction,
Democracy and proper drains.
Lord, put beneath Thy special care
One-eighty-nine Cadogan Square.

Although dear Lord I am a sinner,
I have done no major crime;
Now I'll come to Evening Service
Whensoever I have the time.
So, Lord, reserve for me a crown.
And do not let my shares go down.

I will labour for Thy Kingdom,
Help our lads to win the war,
Send white flowers to the cowards
Join the Women's Army Corps,
Then wash the Steps around Thy Throne
In the Eternal Safety Zone.

Now I feel a little better,
What a treat to hear Thy word,
Where the bones of leading statesmen,
Have so often been interr'd.
And now, dear Lord, I cannot wait
Because I have a luncheon date.

-- John Betjeman[/font]
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top