Fanfiction Lounge

[Dragonfree]

Heh, this is the way she reviews. Just be happy that you actually got the review, instead of it being left in her LiveJournal for her friends to poke fun at you. :)

 

[Lily]

O_O She puts fics in her livejournal?

...Wow. Just wow. XD

 

[Dragonfree]

She puts reviews (of that exact sort) in her LiveJournal. Those reviews can include nitpickiness on the difference between Smog and Smokescreen, nitpickiness about Numel not being that slow, and some "this chapter is even worse than usual, and that's saying something" attitude.

...Meh, I'll stop the ranting about Farla.

 

[Lily]

Mmm sorry.

'Tis just that, I heard about Farla but never got the 'privilege' enough to recieve one of her reviews.

o.O; Meh, whatever.

 

[Dragonfree]

Don't get me wrong, she does have a point in a lot of the things she says, and actually after seeing a brief (negative) mention of the old version of Irony in her journal, I started questioning her more about her opinion of it and ended up with a solid breakdown of the stuff to consider for the next revision, so I won't claim her reviews are bad in that sense of the word...

 

[Iveechan]

Farla is nothing but an over-hyped little turd. She actually put your fic in her journal? What a jerk. Seriously... critiquing is one thing, but putting someone's fic in your journal behind their back is just mean. Dear god, if she ever gets a hold of Guilty...

...just skimmed through some of it. Wow... she must think she's the goddess of fanfiction. I consider myself an ok writer, but I have modesty, and I'll admit to people that I'm not great in some areas. But I would never... NEVER... post someone else's story to tell how imperfect it is. I have zero respect for Farla.

*Though I have contributed to our "awful forums" thread at tpm, but that's different because tpm threads are targetted too*

 

[Isaac Gravity]

You'd be surprised...There's alot of people like that throughout the net. My days of pointless web surfing have shown this truth...

 

[Frostweaver]

@ Trials of Reluctance ch. 2

-I liked that little prologue... perhaps it'll be even better if it's even less explicit and more implicit about the pokedex. lol and what the usual corny humour turned out quite well too

-"May, who knew what she was going to say to Brendan was not only rude but would make her look like the immature one chose to say nothing. She just got up from her comfy spot and puts a fresh pack of ice by his right eye." Yes it does make sense and is grammatically correct, but the sentence structure is just terribly wordy and confusing. Trim it down a bit on the wordiness, and re-work them so they're easier to understand. Can also change it to May throwing the ice pack at him instead of tending it to him to help with the tone ^^;

-missing some periods for no reason O.o; be sure to use spell check?

-??.? Brendan?s eyes downcast to the floor with guilt ?She must think I?m a total creep jerk now?? Brendan then turns to May in hopes of sorting out his horrid mistake.

Sentences like that are examples of how this fanfic is too clogged up by dialogues. The "...." isn't necessarily, as the action of someone's eyes being downcasted to look down already means the same thing. Brendan's metacognitive lines can be paraphrased to "... with guilt, thinking that May must have regarded him as a total creep and a jerk after the previous incident." Doing stuff like this can reduce your wordiness, and also, help with too much conversation and dialogues.

-don't use the "/" sign in a fanfic. Type out the "or." But in your case, "and" works a lot better than "or" in he saw the timid/frightened look Brendan?s face

-ok using conversation dialogue-like structure for a character's thoughts is getting seriously confusing... Rather hard to distinguish if it's a dialogue or not. Use the narrator to talk about thoughts, or be sure to include

"<stuff>" May thought...

Stuff like that... as if it's a dialogue and how we indicate who said what.

-?I hit you pretty hard. And falling on your head didn?t help you much either?you might wanna take it easy is all I?m saying.? May then throws Brendan an arrogant shrug. ?Or don?t your health really isn?t my concern.?

An excellent "tutorial sentence" to do an example about tone/diction. If it reads as...

?I hit you pretty hard, and falling on your head didn?t help you much either?you might wanna take it easy, and-? May suddenly halts in her sentence, then throws Brendan an arrogant shrug and leans back on the chair again. ?what am I saying... your health isn?t my concern.?

Changed a few words around along with the sentence structure a bit. It basically means the same thing, but the tone implicitly applies more about May's character, which supports what you're going to say the next paragraph, therefore creating coherence and support within your story.

-"she always had this hint of gentleness in her voice as if her exterior attitude was a mask of some sort."

Ack so explicit... ;_; Hinting is terrible if it's done so explicitly... If you're trying to hint and foreshadow, then drop the hints, not handing it to the audience so directly.

-the 2nd paragraph before the "10 minutes" breakoff really need to be seperated into new paragraphs... remember that whenever there's a new speaker, you need to start a new paragraph.

-"(A/N: A huge difference from her hometown)" really disturbs the flow of the story... can't you just say the same thing using a "which is a huge difference in comparison to her hometown"?

-you started with present tense. Let's stick with it and drop all those past tense.

-?So I guess you want to be mauled by a pack of Poochyena ::gestures to the 20 more Poochyena hiding in the grass:: The Poochyena you dealt with was their groups leader. I don?t think it likes handouts so it wants to even the score. Better do what he says or well die.?
Don't suddenly get a little script-like and use stage directions... just end the dialogue and let the narration handle it.

-Pokemon translation in brackets is seriously... a bad way to let a Pokemon try to converse something... =/ Terribly disrupts the coherence and the flow of the story.

-cliche names... blah

-yes the one liners are indeed overboard XD;

-Overall, an enjoyable fanfic to read. Though clogged up with too many conversations and dialogues, with some confusiong sentence structure and grammar errors, the story is very enjoyable with an original look at the characters from the gameboy games. Characters are unique and original, while the story keeps itself intact with both the anime/game and the manga at once.


Grammar Basics: 7/10
Characterization: 16/20
Coherence/Readability: 8/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 14/20
Diction: 14/20
Effort/Originality: 18/20
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (oxymoron)

Total: 78

 

[Isaac Gravity]

@ Trials of Reluctance ch. 2

-I liked that little prologue... perhaps it'll be even better if it's even less explicit and more implicit about the pokedex. lol and what the usual corny humour turned out quite well too

-"May, who knew what she was going to say to Brendan was not only rude but would make her look like the immature one chose to say nothing. She just got up from her comfy spot and puts a fresh pack of ice by his right eye." Yes it does make sense and is grammatically correct, but the sentence structure is just terribly wordy and confusing. Trim it down a bit on the wordiness, and re-work them so they're easier to understand. Can also change it to May throwing the ice pack at him instead of tending it to him to help with the tone ^^;

-missing some periods for no reason O.o; be sure to use spell check?

-??.? Brendan?s eyes downcast to the floor with guilt ?She must think I?m a total creep jerk now?? Brendan then turns to May in hopes of sorting out his horrid mistake.

Sentences like that are examples of how this fanfic is too clogged up by dialogues. The "...." isn't necessarily, as the action of someone's eyes being downcasted to look down already means the same thing. Brendan's metacognitive lines can be paraphrased to "... with guilt, thinking that May must have regarded him as a total creep and a jerk after the previous incident." Doing stuff like this can reduce your wordiness, and also, help with too much conversation and dialogues.

-don't use the "/" sign in a fanfic. Type out the "or." But in your case, "and" works a lot better than "or" in he saw the timid/frightened look Brendan?s face

-ok using conversation dialogue-like structure for a character's thoughts is getting seriously confusing... Rather hard to distinguish if it's a dialogue or not. Use the narrator to talk about thoughts, or be sure to include

"<stuff>" May thought...

Stuff like that... as if it's a dialogue and how we indicate who said what.

-?I hit you pretty hard. And falling on your head didn?t help you much either?you might wanna take it easy is all I?m saying.? May then throws Brendan an arrogant shrug. ?Or don?t your health really isn?t my concern.?

An excellent "tutorial sentence" to do an example about tone/diction. If it reads as...

?I hit you pretty hard, and falling on your head didn?t help you much either?you might wanna take it easy, and-? May suddenly halts in her sentence, then throws Brendan an arrogant shrug and leans back on the chair again. ?what am I saying... your health isn?t my concern.?

Changed a few words around along with the sentence structure a bit. It basically means the same thing, but the tone implicitly applies more about May's character, which supports what you're going to say the next paragraph, therefore creating coherence and support within your story.

-"she always had this hint of gentleness in her voice as if her exterior attitude was a mask of some sort."

Ack so explicit... ;_; Hinting is terrible if it's done so explicitly... If you're trying to hint and foreshadow, then drop the hints, not handing it to the audience so directly.

-the 2nd paragraph before the "10 minutes" breakoff really need to be seperated into new paragraphs... remember that whenever there's a new speaker, you need to start a new paragraph.

-"(A/N: A huge difference from her hometown)" really disturbs the flow of the story... can't you just say the same thing using a "which is a huge difference in comparison to her hometown"?

-you started with present tense. Let's stick with it and drop all those past tense.

-?So I guess you want to be mauled by a pack of Poochyena ::gestures to the 20 more Poochyena hiding in the grass:: The Poochyena you dealt with was their groups leader. I don?t think it likes handouts so it wants to even the score. Better do what he says or well die.?
Don't suddenly get a little script-like and use stage directions... just end the dialogue and let the narration handle it.

-Pokemon translation in brackets is seriously... a bad way to let a Pokemon try to converse something... =/ Terribly disrupts the coherence and the flow of the story.

-cliche names... blah

-yes the one liners are indeed overboard XD;

-Overall, an enjoyable fanfic to read. Though clogged up with too many conversations and dialogues, with some confusiong sentence structure and grammar errors, the story is very enjoyable with an original look at the characters from the gameboy games. Characters are unique and original, while the story keeps itself intact with both the anime/game and the manga at once.


Grammar Basics: 7/10
Characterization: 16/20
Coherence/Readability: 8/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 14/20
Diction: 14/20
Effort/Originality: 18/20
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (oxymoron)

Total: 78

ACK! I thought I edited chapter 2!!! Darn...I really did...

Yup, overall my grammar and diction is still a problem (I think I even got worse at it...) I recently activated the grammar options in spell check...But of course it's not fully accurate

You have a point about my overuse character conversations stuff. (Later on in the story you'll notice this too you'd would then say "Darn Golden Sun fans") It's funny really my Profs. friends and family do tell me I tend to explain and ramble about things needlessly...I just counter saying that I like going into full detail. My sister would then comment that detail is one thing, putting people to sleep is another.

That's the problem of being the writer, editor and my own beta reader to this story. My own biases prevent me from seeing actually flaws talk-wise... Though of course I admit and agknowledge that the story is very over talkitive...Something I've been working at for a while now. (Back to the drawing board...And I have ways to go.)

The part that you mention might be a foreshadowing of May's character was my mistake again...It was something that was originally intended to just to show Brendan's thoughts of the girl. I guess I wrote it out wrong...

Finally is the major problem the translation of Pokemon tounge with (translation: Blah....) part since this happens often in the story
...I...actually...am pretty stumped about this one. As said before my own personal biases make me see no wrong in it.

Hmm... this is going to be the hardest to look at... I might want to consider skipping translations or do Pokemon speech then have narrator translate it. Or as I'm starting to like a bit of both...Since it cuts on space...Or figure a way to pretty much work this little mess out...

Either way I see it. I've got ways to go and should get to it...

 

[Frostweaver]

Grammar check from MSWord isn't fully accurate, but there are some elementary problems floating around, like missing a period. Even spell check can pick that up ^^; I never expect grammar to be completely perfect, but I do expect the complete absense of very silly grammar mistakes that even spell checkers can pick up.

Diction is always a problem for everyone. That you really can't do much about it, but read more and more books/any writing. Poetry focuses on diction even more than stories.

Blah Golden Sun got a terrible script! Do not follow it at all cost ;_; I hated GS2 and its whole 6 minute introduction before I can finally start doing something besides pressing the A button about irrelevant information...

Full detail is *never* a problem, but the problem lies in how you're presenting the details, and when. Don't throw them out one after another, all at once. Seperate them with some minor events/action in the middle. Also, wordiness is a problem. Details a great, but it's terribly boring when( for example,) you use 3 sentences to describe a minor detail that can be summarized into 6 words.

The "Pokemon Tongue" is always a problem for many fanfic writers. Talking Pokemon/Humans who can listen to Pokemon are usually overused and unoriginal ideas (unless the fanfics got Pokemon as the main characters, without humans). A good way is to let the Pokemon use basic gestures and so on (especially various ways to stare/gaze at stuff XD), along with narration to handle that. Translating the Pokemon tongue is generally, boring and unoriginal, along with a feeling that "this fanfic is actually a digimon crossover, really."

But keep writing ^^ I actually like it more than some 80+ fanfics because I'm much more easily interested if Haruka is in it XD; However, fairness prevents me from giving something I like a higher mark unless it improves even more.


@ Cobalt Chronicles (prologue- ch. 7)

-don't mock your reader's intelligence by saying "it started out..." as the first sentnece within your story. Um... like your readers do know that the story starts out there because it's the first thing they have read so far besides the title?

-overused title that's not very reflective about anything at all...

-overall lack of description =/ There is very little transition between the events.

-read the "read first" fanfic writing basic tutorial, especially the section about how to write a decent prologue.

-why bother naming the Hiker if he's such a cameo character? o.o; bad usage of diction there

-suddenly jumping from talking about the aftermath of the eruption to a battle scene is once again, lacking in transition. Also, those two topics are kinda... irrelevant to each other?

-be sure to use spell check to catch some silly mistakes, and try to check for "tpyos"

-major length problem... one chapter should seriously be around 1000 words at least. In here, it seems like 3 chapters may not even have 1000 words...

-really Pokemon maybe imaginary creatures, created by man, but that doesn't allow a Pokemon fanfic to be functioning without any form of logics. How does a Tyranitar jump up into the air, flip around once and dive down for a dragon claw is completely beyond me, nor do I want to imagine how awkward that'll look like...

-scriptfic conversation? Why suddenly switch formats from a fanfic to scriptfic? =/

-you need a new paragraph whenever there is a new speaker, and remember to insert a blank line everytime there's a new paragraph

-Laura is supposedly shocked from the fact that she's moving... and then the story goes on with her falling to sleep? O.o; contradiction tone and atmosphere there

-Flannery is OOC majorly... the "reasons" for her survival are also vague and cheesy

-one minute Flannery is blabbering non-stop, the next minute she's too weak to walk, and another minute pass by and Flannery leaves Lavaridge without anything happening at all... erm... bad >>:

-Sam and Flannery are awfully closed considering that they've met each other for at most 5 minutes in a cave, barely talking to each other o.o;

-when someone "just remembered" what's the occupation of his father, that can only mean that there's some terrible problems within the family... yet, Sam seems to be in a completely perfect life o.o; (and perfect people are always the most boring characters ever)

-Ash's appearance is just... stupid and pointless =/

-as for the last 2 chapters that's all but battling, they're all so terribly simple (at most 3 turns worth of moves then the battle is over?), and quite anime-style too. Gotta fix that up...

-you got a *LOT* of work to do... slow down in writing will be a good place to begin, and perhaps even rewrite all the previous chapters if you want to have any readers at all later in a very close future.


Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization: 6/20
Coherence/Readability: 7/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 6/20
Diction: 6/20
Effort/Originality: 9/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 42

 

[Yamato-san]

My computer's working again, and so I finally have a new chapter of PMC up.

 

[emeraldslay]

Chapter two of Pokemon: Journey of Green. It'd be appreciated if I got reviews! Another icy review from frosty, and a less-icy review from EmeraldSky would be great.

 

[Poke]

Can you write poems in the fanfiction center because there is no place to write Pokemon Poems

 

[Lily]

I think yes. If I remember correctly, someone once wrote a Pokemon song/poem here too. And you certainly can't put Pokemon poems in the other writing sections...

^^;

 

[Poke]

Okay cool Im about to write a few! I love poems

 

[Frostweaver]

yes indeed you can. Anything about Pokemon and creative writing goes here.

I'll do a review later in the day.

 

[Lily]

Nov 20 ~ 27. I believe 7 dayz passed...

*points to her new one shot* >_> <_<;

EDIT: I read 'Another Way of Battling' yesterday...and to think, why not update for such a long time?! ;_;

 

[Frostweaver]

Blah... Another way of Battling... I just randomly threw stuff from the anime which is actually more entertaining that the casual filler episodes together. ._.; >>;

Hmm... poetry... much harder to review ._.;

@ The Dream Place and the Prison

-poetry often strives to have the most meanings revealed with the least amount of words possilbe, resulting in a very careful usage of diction. However, in these poems, there are so many "useless" words...

-some lines just don't make any sense really... like " its sad of how a creature of such good"... ok alright... good... 'what'? Good taste? Good mood? Good what?

-"white space of nothingness"- contradiction, hurting coherence majorly

-the most painful part is the lack of rhythm... true that a poem doesn't need to rhyme, as a poem isn't defined by rhymthing, but its rhythm... it's alright as well to break the rhythm once in awhile, but when the whole poem is so choppy and lacking in the poetic essense... it turns out to be choppy sentences stringed together instead of a poem.

-poetry often relies on implicit details to convey another idea as well, which is also lacking here


Coherence/Readability: 4/5
Tone/Diction: 7/15
Sense of Rhythm: 5/15
Effort/Originality: 11/15
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 27 => 54


@ Journey of Green (ch.2)

-ok i won't bother repeating what Lily has pointed out already

-sometimes your story is TERRIBLY wordy... x_x; like

"The professor said, in a scolding tone of voice."

Why not just "The professor scolded."?

-Pro. Oak is also very inconsistent in his tone... sometimes he's just like the usual Pro. Oak we all know in the anime/manga, but then sometimes he's just not himself... not only is he OOC, but he's also inconsistent with himself

-a *terribly* lot of dialogues... some of them can be summed up by narration. Don't spam dialogues, or else it will really look like a scriptfic with fanfic formats. This thing just bugs me almost beyond no end.

-lacking a bit in the emotion department regarding the characters.


Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization: 11/20
Coherence/Readability: 7/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 11/20
Diction: 11/20
Effort/Originality: 15/20
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (allusions)

Total: 64

 

[Dragonfree]

Hey, also don't forget it's been a week since your review of Last Defense tomorrow. ;)

 

[Frostweaver]

@ Finality

-now this story got one of the most terrible start for a Lily-production... 3 incomplete sentences in 3 lines gotta be the newest record for Lily being silly regarding grammar o.o; Incomplete sentences are all over the place in this fanfic.

-watch out for the usage of "a" and "the." You want to say "with *a* hint of beauty" not "with the hint of beauty."

-"They glimmered under the sunlight?s glare, the roaring sound of people rushing around with mountains of shopping bags obviously unaware of him." Irrelevant information are being jammed together. In the first part, you're talking about the boy and his character, and then without any transitional phrase or anything, talking about the people around him being oblivoius to his existance. Not to mention, it's also a run-on sentence.

-"This kid was serious, and he couldn?t have been more than four feet in height." once again, 2 good ideas are linked together. However, the 2 ideas are irrelevant to one another. One talks of purity, while the other talks about the seriousness of the situation... not exactly the most related, at least, not enough to be in the same sentence in this manner.

-"They sparkled effectively, sorrowfully watching the people walk rapidly by." Diction error... "effectively" demonstrates an idea that the kid is actually lying, while the rest of the paragraph talks of the opposite. This is a clash in atmosphere...

-"his blue eyes" and "Mew's warning people" can be taken out, as the single lined paragraphs quoted from the boy are suppose to parallel to the speaker, right? So take them out as they don't parallel to anything like the rest.

-A brilliant fanfic from Lily once again, though it got more grammatical errors than all of the other lily productions added together probably XD;; However, the transition between believe and disbelieve is too fast, whcih is the only downfall to this fanfic along with grammar.


Grammar Basics: 6/10
Characterization: 16/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 14/20
Diction: 15/20
Effort/Originality: 15/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 75