EDIT: All writings are written for a purpose: usually under the 2 categories of either to entertain (ex: any children's book, LOTR) or to introduce an idea (Shakespeare's works.) However, all of them must rely on these "symbolic" elements in order to carry out their intended purposes. Even children's novel are not thrown together by pure randomness stuck on a plot. Names used in a children's novel are always "common names" because the usage of names that the children know of (as in, names that their friends may possibly share) will allow the children to relate the story back to themselves. Half of these things will become our writing instincts and we do it naturally, without thinking about it. However, we must work and focus intentionally for the rest of the choices that aren't decided by instinct.
Writing instincts can sometimes come out completely opposite to what you have in mind. You think that you aren't doing anything in particular, but when others read it, they see all the work your natural instincts put into it. "Old Man and the Sea" to Hemmingway is just a short story about fishing, but then all his years of writing have trained his instincts to insert symbols and specific word choices without realizing it... in the end, it turned out to win various awards. It became a parody against critics story reviewers, unlike what Hemmingway have intended it to be- a simple fishing story.
@ The Power to Shine, by Shuko
My name is Maya. I'm eleven years old, but I've been told that I'm mature for my age. I don't much know if I like the sound of that.
A strange beginning... Bit clich? and corny to start by "name and age." Also, the last part can simply be condensed to "I've been told that I'm mature for my age, but I don't know if they're right." is good enough... it saves some words that way to reduce the boring space.
Anyway, I guess you're wondering what's so special about an eleven year-old girl? Not too long ago, I'd have said there wasn't anything especially odd or memorable about me.
you just mentioned her age awhile ago so best not to repeat it already... as well, again this sentence is pretty lengthy when you can say "I'm just an ordinary girl, until..."
-"Hikari" is an absolutely feminine name, destined for girls o.o; Even if it's a Pokemon... It's a bit strange when the male dog in your house is called "Betty." It's awkward...
-reverse chronological order that's not a flashback is not very constructive most of the time... in here, i'll recommand you to flip the story around, and talk of Maya's background (but before the runaway) first before you mention Hikari. Right now the order is awkward.
You see, where I lived, children were not allowed.
"You see, I live in a _____ where children are not allowed." Try to read it out loud at times to see if the sentence flows as smooth as you can make it to be. Also, there's some tense problems... "lived" can be past tense as who knows if Maya is currently living elsewhere, but unless the rule of this place changed, then you'll have to say "children ARE not..." instead of "were." Watch out for these tense problems as they exist later in the story too.
-insert a paragraph before you start talking about the king's carriage event for clarity... since you're starting a new idea, it's perhaps best to start a new paragraph.
An incomplete sentence... this is only a clause and needs to be joined to something else in order to be a sentence. Since you declared that Maya is mature for her age, you got no excuse for "a grammar mistake that's done on purpose"
-i know that you write your story on wordpad, but do transfer it back to a grammar/spell check program to take out the careless mistakes, such as "had had" (had is repeated once... grammar check will definitely pick that up)
I had decided that I was old enough to make it on my own in the world, and since I'd gotten so far without anyone else's help, I certainly could continue to do so.
odd... we have never heard of Maya being alone/independent on anything major before she left, so this sentence becomes an oddball. It's alluding to something in the past in her life, yet we aren't given any information about such an event... not even mentioning it...
I realized that I no longer knew which way was forward, and which way led back to the village.
"I realized that I lost my sense of direction, and I couldn't find my way back home." It's slightly more clear this way instead of "forward." Also, saying "village" isn't as good as saying "home" in terms of diction, because Maya's parents seem to be rather caring, and there's no reason to degrade Maya's parents by claiming that it's not her "home." Village is terribly cold and formal.
-"inspiration" deals with art/fine arts... running to a tree like that isn't an art or fine art... improper diction choice there.
hoping for all I was worth that whatever it was that I had left behind me couldn't climb trees.
definitely i don't recommand using "that" more than once in a sentence unless you're trying to have a hesistant tone.
-not sure if you should use the term "animal" there... it's suggesting that the setting is a mix of our world with "normal animals" and Pokemon world all into one. This setting is generally not accepted as a default setting unless you got some good explanation (due to the nature of Pokemon fanfics often basing the settings to be in a world of Pokemon). Yes the anime got 2 (or 3) appearances of "normal animals" (Pidgeotto's worm, fishes in St.anne) but we all know that anime is mostly screwed up and self-refuting...
What would happen if something really big came along - something that might want to eat ME, for instance.
take out the "for instance" and let the period be a question mark there. This way it heightens the tension up a bit, just like what this is intended to do.
not sure if "cut" is used correctly here... sounds odd...
-"I'm no bird expert" is repeated again
-now in ch.1 Maya seems to communicate with the readers quite a bit, taking effective uses of a 1st person narrative. However this didn't keep up in the 2nd chapter though... if you started it this way, then keep the tradition up. Don't have to do it frequently, but do at least mention something this way.
Good Points
-well written OT
-great description
-realistic and detailed
Focuses to Improve On
-sentence structure (clarity)
-diction choices (ch.2 diction choices improved from ch.1 though, keep it up!)
-ordering
Title: 4/5
Grammar Basics: 9/10
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Characterization: 17/20
Story Structure: 12/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 15/15 (excellent)
Diction: 16/20
Effort/Originality: 14/15
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (communication with audience)
total: 87
:classic: :cross-eye