@ Pokemon Revenge by TTYO
-it's never too attractive of a title to have your fanfic by "Pokemon _______" On top of that, your story never relates the idea of Pokemon to be on "nature's side," therefore it's not justify to say that the Pokemon are out for revenge against the humans
10 years after "Pikachu I choose you",
and when is 10 years after Pikachu I choose you? No idea... Also, do not ever relate to the anime like this. When you're writing the fanfic, your fanfic will take place within that world of the anime. They will have no idea about "which episode" they're on. It's the same way as your fanfic relating back to an earlier chapter by saying "back in chapter 3..." It doesn't work like this. Clearly state the event, such as "10 years after Ash Ketchum, a famous Pokemon trainer, had taken off from Pallet Town for his Pokemon journey..."
the world was on the tip of the knife edge as the recent Gulf War 2 and Terrorist attacks weaken the world.
knife is not an adjective so you'll need to turn it into a possessive in order for the grammar of the sentence to work out. Also, you're putting together events in our world into the events of the Pokemon world. The nature of Pokemon fanfics forces any Pokemon fanfic to clearly seperate our world and the Pokemon world as 2 different places (alternate universe.) Your fanfic will definitely need a proper explanation why the two worlds are now one world all together, or else you'll be straying away from the definition of a Pokemon fanfic.
Nature was also angry as Man continued to waste her used-to-be infinite resources.
"used-to-be infinite" has a very awkward syntax... always try to make your sentence flow as much as possible. Also, this statement is never true to begin with, making Nature rather stupidin her reason for anger... You may need to reword this entire sentence to ensure that you're saying what you really want to say. Maybe you're thinking of mankind depleting the world's resources faster than they can be regenerated... (sounds like it's the exact same thing, but it's not... infinite resources have a different meaning than regenerating resources)
Nature vented her anger in form of a changed Team Rocket. A Nature-orientated Team Rocket.
the 2nd sentence here is an incomplete sentence, as it doesn't even have a verb. All sentences need a verb, with the exception of some sentences in dialogues. Also, this sentence is rather vague about what is going on. Is there some form of divine intervention? As well, a massive organization such as Team Rocket does not suddenly change within seconds like what you're telling to your readers here. It sounds terribly rushed, and conveys the idea that since Team Rocket has changed from extreme to the extreme, you might as well start a new organization about it. Again, the rapid, unexplained (or lack of explanation) and extreme change in Team Rocket is straying away from the fanfic restrictions for a Pokemon fanfic.
To raise the stakes, evolved humans who were not accepted by their 'primitive' counterparts join Team Rocket who accepted them as human.
You lost me here...
-what's a "Wild Force Ranger?" If you're introducing a new organization, or any form of new systems into your fanfic, you must explain what it is. Right now, all i know is that it is "some group of some sort who goes against Team Rocket for reasons completely unknown."
But when his Nature orientated opinions clash with his duties, can his save Silver Town from the angry high leveled Mt Silver Pokemon trying to take back their habitat.
Besides the grammar mistakes in this quote, there's plenty of things to fix up. We don't know what is Ash's duties, nor do we know how does it go in conflict against the defense against raging Pokemon. Since this is a new concept that doesn't exist in the original Pokemon world, you must explain why there is a conflict here. Also, what is a "high leveled" Pokemon? Last time I watched the anime or manga, I don't see HP bars floating around with a number relating to levels above each Pokemon's head. You cannot use any technical (especially if they're related to game mechanics/calculations) within your fanfic. You must assume what the world is like for the people within that world. It's like how a fanfic will say a Pokemon is too tired to fight any longer. Fanfics will not say the Pokemon has ran out of PP to continue to battle. The only possible ways for the idea of levels to be mentioned in a fanfic is through the analysis of a Pokedex (where you can get really technical on game mechanics and still be correct in terms of fanfic format), or any other form of careful analysis. In here, you're applying the word in a general/global sense, which will be incorrect. You'll want to simply say "powerful."
And also why a young man with mask of machinery look so familiar.
another incomplete sentence... you have to really focus on your grammar.
-Prologue is overly-revealing. I know exactly what the conflict is going to be. I know who are the good guys and who are the bad guys already. There is no sense of tension or mystery, so why will I want to read on further in this story if I know 75% of the story already? All that I need to find out is to see who triumphs in the end, so why read on further? The prologue definitely needs to be changed and edited.
What makes a human a human? Is it his origins? No, he is born from a father and mother and conceived thru a mammalian womb.
The whole thing got some strange syntax once again, making the sentence confusing. Also, you didn't answer your own question here, yet the question is intended to be answered. You talk about what is the biological origin of a human being, yet you didn't answer the question of why will it matter at all. You answered the wrong question.
But the right answer is the internal human factor that makes one a human.
again, why is this the right answer and not anything else? This seems to be an important element of the story, yet it is poorly explained...
Any the human race plagued with discrimination, intolerance, impatience has clouded his judgment over those unique few of his own kind, even if they are basically humans but unable to blend in, not because they don?t want to, is that they simply can?t.
You lost me again... There is only one human race. Science fiction really stresses on the accuracy of technical terms, so you really have to get it right. Be extra careful about the word "race." When you use the word "human" in front of it, then by default it talks of humankind in general. Without the word "human" in front of it, the definition changes to talk of different "types" of people, such as asian, caucasian and so on. The concept of intolerance, discrimination and so on exist in any society (note: society again is a word that refers to the globe, or just generally refers to everyone) as a whole, while you seem to have a concept that some societies do not have these problems (which, is never true. Even the "ideal, kiddy-kiddy" Pokemon world talked of these problems.) As for the rest of the sentence, i don't even have the faintest clue about what it's trying to say...
these people often had to do the inevitable just survive in a cold, unfeeling world.
and what is the "inevitable?" No idea, once again... Unfeeling here is used with the wrong connotation. Unfeeling often refers to the lack of ability to sense feelings. Insensitive refers to the lack in responsiveness to the feelings around a *person.* If you're unfeeling, you don't have the ability to be sensitive. If you're insensitive, then you should be able to be sensitive, but chooses not to. The 2 words are different, and in here you want insensitive. Be careful about all of your diction choices like this.
Cold winds were like music to curtains, making them dance to their ?tune?.
Metaphors/Similes do not need the single quote.
By nature, Ash Ketchum was clumsy
You just killed your own setup of nature being more of a "deity" or a "spirit" of the kind. In here, the word nature is used for its original meaning again, losing all the setup of the new definition you've given to the word. On top of that, the word nature is still used incorrectly...
Ash?s friend, Gary, made it worst when he wiped a towel, which he did not, knew that it was soaked in nitric acid. So the two acids now become the famous Aqua Regis, the gold melting acid!
Science fiction speaks of accuracy as well, and the world definitely knows what nitric acid and hydrochloric acid will result in. Also, "gold melting" is nothing to brag about, because even our unaided fingers can bend gold... Gold is one of the softest metal. It is only used on armors for decorative purposes, as gold studded armor will actually weaken the armor. Also, it's not a wise move to give Gary an entry into the story here. Right now he has the role of a cameo-character, so it sets up the stage for Gary to be some useless character, yet later in the story he proves himself to be slightly more important than that...
-now how come Star Wars and Anakin suddenly got dragged in here? I thought that we're talking about Wugi's operation... Wugi is going to morph into Darth Vader after this chemical incident or something?
soon reverted back to its roots; to revolutionize the discriminative world into a fair and kind world.
No... Fanfics are not allowed to change constants that are setup by the original storyline. There are 2 possible origins for Team Rocket, depending if you're basing yourself by the anime or the manga. The manga seems to support the idea that Giovanni is the founder of the organization, and Team "ROCKET" stands for "Raid On the City, Knock out, Evil Tusks." The anime talks of the Giovanni's mother, Onna Boss (which is not her actual name, as this just means "Lady Boss") being the leader of the first generation of Team Rocket. Onna Boss is merely interested in money , and it's until Giovanni's take over that Team Rocket plans on doing more than making money. There are things in a fanfic that you cannot change, and this is one of them (unless your fanfic focuses on your own idea about an alternate beginning to Team Rocket.)
-read the "READ FIRST" sticky for some pointers regarding the other common mistakes, such as starting a new paragraph whenever you have a new speaker talking.
-death of Jessie/James is definitely rushed... their death has such great impact on Wugi and Mrs. Gamma, yet in terms of description, they're treated as cameo characters...
Good Points
-start of themes
-attempts at deep, theological conflicts in fanfics
-relatively an original idea for a Pokemon fanfic
Focuses to Improve On
-Clarity/Syntax
-Grammar
-Rushing
Title: 4/5
Grammar Basics: 6/10
Coherence/Readability: 6/10
Characterization: 5/20
Story Structure: 3/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 6/15
Diction: 5/20
Effort/Originality: 13/15
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (theme)
total: 49
