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I've written a fanfic so I'll be in haitus again until I get some inspiration back
 
I've done chapter one of Rivals. For all SPP users, the 'Rivals' on SPP is completely different to the one I have just posted.
 
Billy: What would you all say if I told you that there was some grade A entertainment coming your way in a matter of minutes?

Audience: We'd say "how much?"

Billy: Etertainment with action, suspense, drama, and a little bit of romance?

Audience: (annoyed) Again we'd say "how much?"

Billy: What if I told you that you could get a crazy action-packed fic with drama, action, suspense, and romance all for FREE?!!

Audience: We'd say you were a crazy lying ******z who needs to have his posting license taken away.

Billy: (trying to figure out what word that is) I don't know if I'm offended or not...but it's true! Worlds Away has just been updated with another exciting chapter, chapter 12! Check it out!
 
Niko said:
I've written a fanfic so I'll be in haitus again until I get some inspiration back
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OMG! You actually wrote a fanfic! XD :P *wonders why Lily hasn't thrown a rock at me yet*
 
Lily's away on a trip so poor me will remain very lonely for 3 days now ;_______;

*wants to hug Lily*


@ Shackles, (Chains- revisit), by Dragonfree

His own forced breath was the only sound heard.
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was the only sound THAT COULD BE heard.

-comma between smooth and soft should be replaced by an "and."

He felt his wrists pulse with every beat of his heart, too numb to feel pain.
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ok this one is a bit weird... too numb to feel pain, yet sensitive enough to beat the pulse going through the wrists? Even beyond logic and into the world of symbolism, this single sentence acts against the flow of both Chains and Shackles together. Mewtwo is numb to pain but sensitive to his *own* pain here, while both stories suggest the reverse. Mewtwo feels/knows that his life is slipping away from him, and is numb to feel his own pain out of his sensitivity to the life of others. All the "self" and "others" of this sentence got reversed around. Take it out, or reword it to what you really want.

He resisted the overwhelming temptation to break the shackles off his limbs with a stroke of mental energy.
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Perhaps this change is an optional thing, but personally I'll take this out. Mew's dialogue already suggested the same thing, so why bother repeating what is mentioned already in such a symbol intensive fanfic where every word counts?

?You are a part of me, Mewtwo... and that is exactly why you must die for them... you are the only one who can...?
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Works definitely in the world of symbolism, but may not work as well when you're looking at this in a Pokemon way. In terms of Mewtwo's role/existance in the Pokemon world, even if he's the clone of Mew, who is the Creator of the Pokemon world, it doesn't justify why Mewtwo is the only fitting one to be sacrificed for the rest of the world. Personally, I think that the simplest way to solve this problem is to add a small detail into Chains. Just add that the lab is the collaboration of all the Teams (Rocket, Magma, Aqua, whatever,) and this will work out. If the "evil" teams have to work together to stop Mewtwo and its almighty power, then it is definitely justified (in my opinion) why Mewtwo is the only suitable one to be sacrificed for the safety of the world.

-again, another personal opinion, but I'll rather replace "My Spirit is yours" to "It is done" ;p As for why this change... well, you either just glance at this and understand right away, or you don't get it at first and will be pointless to explain to you why you do fail to get it... lol. You can either do that exchange, or add in "It is done..." right before "then the chamber fell silent."

-revisited Chains, and now forget what I said about the name Mary may not be correct... it's probably the most suitable name possible ^_^ But on the other hand, the man accompanying Mary must not be her father, because on the symbolic level, that's not working out... anyone else father/dad.

-After reading, I'll rather flip the titles around o.o; "Shackles and Chains" sound better than "Chains and Shackles" (refer to salt and pepper vs pepper and salt). Also, shackle is more "physical" while chain is more symbolic. Shackle is used against animals/prisoners who are extremely dangerous (therefore, "more rightoues"), while chains is generally used even more negatively as a way to take away rights and freedome ("evil"). I think that if the titles are flipped around, it'll suit the 2 stories better.

-pretty much the same quality as Chains, roughly the same level... Not going to do another point count because these two are written close to the same dates, so logic reads that the level of writing should be around the same as well. Though this short series receive an insanely high rating on my scale, I predict that hardly anyone will be reading it, because this type of fanfics will only be understood and appreciated by a the rarest selective few... This story's symbols happen to be my area of speciality so everything is very direct to me, but I'm certain that to some people, they'll recognize that something is deep about it but will never be able to pinpoint just what's so deep about it. It's probably too abstract for the (majority of) young audience of Pokemon fanfics to get the entire story.
 
Not that anyone cares, but I updated "Who Shot Brendan Birch?" with chapter thirteen. I actually have to update that fic at ff.net though. Speaking of ff.net, I think I got banned from there for awhile. ^_^ I don't know why, but I think I did for the past few days.

That's how shadowphantomness gets banned a lot because of her championshipping and people don't like it and blah so they report it. FF.net doesn't bother to read the fic that are reported. OMG, now you could ban anyone you want now lol. But yeah, I think someone did that to me so blah.

Lileh be gone? She's still with us in spirit though, so don't be sad frosty. :P
 
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*hugs Fwosty dear~* Don't worry, your Lily will be back soon, and she will throw rocks at me *goes off to read Niko's fanfic*
 
Man, where the hell is Freezy...err, Frosty going to start poking fun at my fic 'Rivals'? I've been waiting to be told it is too original and boring and needs more twists for days now!
 
Attention: My highly successful fanfic (posted at Serebii.net long ago), Pok?mon Origins: The Johto Saga, had debuted here a couple of days ago. Anyone who is interested should give it a review.
 
Attention: My highly successful fanfic (posted at Serebii.net long ago), Pok?mon Origins: The Johto Saga, had debuted here a couple of days ago. Anyone who is interested should give it a review.
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I will attest to the fact that this is a very good fic. Go read it! And don't forget about ol' Billy! I like to shout, so what!

EDIT: What was I thinkin?! I need to plug my own fic too! I got a new one out peoples. It's called "The F.O.D." The plot is so mysterious though that i couldn't summarize it without giving anything away. Check it out, it's linked in my sig. Don't worry though (like anybody was), Worlds Away will continue! Ah! Gotta go, my PSP is done charging!
 
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I recently had a thought about this. It'll bring a HUGE drop to poorly written fics here, and it'll greatly help out the new authors as well as giving them as much time as they need as possible.

Before posting a story, each author must have a PC FanFic License. To get one, an author must send their some of their story (about one or two chapters) to one of the fan fic mods. The mods will then rate it on plot, originality, grammar, spelling, detail, realism, how the battles are done, and the length. That will all tally up to a grade, and if the author gets a C (or a 75) or better, he/she gets the license and will be allowed to post their story.

What do you think?
 
*chucks frying pans at JA*

lol I'm back. =D *hugs fwosty*

t'was fun and all, with relaxation from forums/chatting/modding/and those other IRC stuff.

DID YA MISS ME? O.0
 
We missed you Lily! X3 *huggles Lily*

The fanfic liscense thing is a good idea! Though Lily and me have to set up some guidlines and all... But that's likely to happen. =D
 
aww.... this means no more n00b massacres. The next time someone makes a fic parodizing life on the forum, I hope they commemorate Niko and his heroic actions in some way. I'd do it myself, likely portraying it with that Roman colloseum scene I used in an earlier post (Niko would be "teh 00ber g1ad|a+0R", capable of wasting an army of n00bs who spell like that in a single blow), but no way in hell I'm making a forum-based storyline. Fanfiction is pretty much the only forum I go to around here (out of the four forums that I post my fic at, "the green one" is the only one that I wander around all over the place as a regular user).
 
*Super-mega-hyper-sweet-positive-whatever-'I'm-out-of-adjective' hug for Lily*

^_________________________^

Now for the fanfic forum... seems like we're being warned for being elitists or something =o Well whatever... I think that it's just a nudge to tell us to be careful on our wording to be nicer. I guess that we must take out words such as "noob massacres" and change them to "try to improve the quality of new writers by throwing them down intensive writing camps" type of thing? Dunno... but I guess that everyone will have to watch their mouth >>; *shuts up*

@ Deepest Wishes, by Nekomajo Asyuna

-only going to say the things the others have stated already to save time ^^;

-prologue is semi-decent I suppose, but I really don't see what's the point with the pink. It's not the most innovative, attention grabbing prologue either, but it's acceptable. I'll probably take out the 2nd paragraph in the prologue and rewrite that one...

-take out the HMW Reference list... crossovers function like this: the fanfic sails on smoothly, with crossover references all over the place. If the people do know of the two works that the fanfic is composed of (in this case, Kirby and Pokemon), then they'll get the "insider joke" and laugh. If they don't, then the story sails on and those crossover reference *should appear as if they're original works belonging to the author.* This applies especially to original attacks. They're always treated as part of the fanfic, and at most the attack's description/statistics come always at the end of the chapter, not the beginning (so the readers are acquainted with the attack within the story first before they know about it)

-ch.1 title can use some wording... right now, it's telling me "a girl is soon to be 10 years old, then she can get her first Pokemon to go on her own Pokemon Journey... *Pokemon anime theme song plays with 5 year old fanboys cheering in the back*" Titles should be descriptive about your fanfic, and ONLY for your fanfic. If the chapter title can be, in any way, relating to another fanfic, then there's probably a better title out there... now there's plenty of birthday girls in fanfics, so I severely doubt that this title is in anyway unique only to your story in terms of its meaning...

Winona said, slightly out of breath.
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Don't forget that everything you stated in a fanfic is a result of planning, and everything is done on purpose. Now, what is the reason for Winona to be out of breath? "She's rushing, duh." Well of course, now why is she rushing? We have no idea why, and we don't see what's to be hurried about either. Nowhere else in this entire part of the story are there even a hint of emergency ...

Winona and Florinda appeared to be old friends, and Florinda has invited her and Lyoko to spend lunch with her in her suite as well as to talk about special plans.
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"and" is a real drag here being used two times... not to mention, this is a really long sentence. It's grammatically correct as it got sufficient amount of conjunctions. However, the sentence will probably flow much better if it's broken down into two seperate sentences. As well, "special plans" here seem to be an important part of the story, but the emphasis it got is so little that it seemed almost insignificant if it isn't for the word "special."

-I'm personally fine with the Kirby location crossovers, but in the same way as Pokemon fanfics, the Kirby part of the story needs a stronger emphasize, or else it'll seem like a violation of the copyright laws more than a crossover fanfic... Right now, exactly what is the significance of any Kirby material besides the names and mirror? (however, mirrors DON'T COUNT really in this fanfic, because according to HMW, mirrors are a cheap way to say "teleportation" or "a general name that's stuck on anything on the counterpart dimension of the Hoenn world."

-Another traits of "Pokemon anime" that you must get rid of... now imagine. You're alone, and suddenly a cold breeze goes by. Thinking in terms of real life, how will actually say it out loud "why is it so cold?" No one will... Only anime/manga/some scriptfics can do that, but a story must not. No one talks to themselves, with the exception of the mentally ill or people who are too smart for us to understand (there's a poet who talks to flowers and fire hydrants, yet he writes good poems. I personally don't find his poems that good at all, but well people like him it seems. I forgot his name at the moment though x.x). When you're writing, be sure to think logically if this makes sense in the real world. If it doesn't, then you probably need to explain it (such as the flying/hovering/whatever limo) or reword it.

-generally, it's still lacking details... conversations still dominate the ratio between dialogues and narration. It's like a scriptfic wannabe, but it's slowly improving over time. Adjectives and descriptions are present, but are never enough in this fanfic. For example, in the last scene involving Lyoko shaking because of the mysterious cold, we really don't know what's going on all that well if it isn't for Lyoko claiming in broad daylight "how it get so cold?" Most of the action relies on dialogues to tell us what's going on, with minimal description about what is actually going on. However, overall it's a slow and steady pace on its way to stardom. It's graduating getting better compare to HMW. Though the comments from ActonThat seems to say that the characters are worthless, well at least Heather has a decent character, while HMW there aren't any trait of character. It's an improvement. Keep it up!

Good Points
-general improvement in all aspects compare to the last review
-relative significant improvement in character development
-great amount of effort is shown, keep it up!

Focuses to Improve On
-details in narration while reducing some unnecessary dialogues
-further character development
-more explanations are necessary regarding original ideas

Title: 3/5
Grammar Basics: 10/10
Coherence/Readability: 8/10
Characterization: 10/20
Story Structure: 9/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 9/15
Diction: 11/20
Effort/Originality: 13/15
Lit. Device bonus: +0

total: 73
 
OMG, it be Lileh. Hi Lileh. =3 *waves* Lol, maybe I could have a "writer who tends to not see the stickies at the top of the page and tends to have an attitude" gladiator in my sequel of lettter off compaint. :)

The fanfic world is tough. Deal with it. *innocent smile* Elitist? Pshaw.

*erases the word massacre from her vocabulary*
 
Um...quick question. Why can't I logue out? I've been trying for a while now and it just won't happen. Darn tenacious forum, won't let me go!
 
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