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frostweaver said:
-prologue is semi-decent I suppose, but I really don't see what's the point with the pink. It's not the most innovative, attention grabbing prologue either, but it's acceptable. I'll probably take out the 2nd paragraph in the prologue and rewrite that one...
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It has something to do with the main villian, but I'll leave it at that to avoid spoilers.

frostweaver said:
-take out the HMW Reference list... crossovers function like this: the fanfic sails on smoothly, with crossover references all over the place. If the people do know of the two works that the fanfic is composed of (in this case, Kirby and Pokemon), then they'll get the "insider joke" and laugh. If they don't, then the story sails on and those crossover reference *should appear as if they're original works belonging to the author.* This applies especially to original attacks. They're always treated as part of the fanfic, and at most the attack's description/statistics come always at the end of the chapter, not the beginning (so the readers are acquainted with the attack within the story first before they know about it)
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That would be a good idea, except ActOnThat suggested that I explain HMW canon better. That's why that list exists. There are some references to HMW 1 and 2 in this fic, and not everyone read the first and NO ONE at PC read 2. This story is more or less a side story of HMW.

frostweaver said:
-ch.1 title can use some wording... right now, it's telling me "a girl is soon to be 10 years old, then she can get her first Pokemon to go on her own Pokemon Journey... *Pokemon anime theme song plays with 5 year old fanboys cheering in the back*" Titles should be descriptive about your fanfic, and ONLY for your fanfic. If the chapter title can be, in any way, relating to another fanfic, then there's probably a better title out there... now there's plenty of birthday girls in fanfics, so I severely doubt that this title is in anyway unique only to your story in terms of its meaning...
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Uh... Heather's wants to be a Pokemon COORDINATOR, not a Trainer. And she's not going on a journey either (her reason will be revealed in the next chapter).

frostweaver said:
Winona said, slightly out of breath.
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Don't forget that everything you stated in a fanfic is a result of planning, and everything is done on purpose. Now, what is the reason for Winona to be out of breath? "She's rushing, duh." Well of course, now why is she rushing? We have no idea why, and we don't see what's to be hurried about either. Nowhere else in this entire part of the story are there even a hint of emergency...
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Winona was late with her business with Florinda. Then again, I suppose that part could be better.

frostweaver said:
Winona and Florinda appeared to be old friends, and Florinda has invited her and Lyoko to spend lunch with her in her suite as well as to talk about special plans.
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"and" is a real drag here being used two times... not to mention, this is a really long sentence. It's grammatically correct as it got sufficient amount of conjunctions. However, the sentence will probably flow much better if it's broken down into two seperate sentences. As well, "special plans" here seem to be an important part of the story, but the emphasis it got is so little that it seemed almost insignificant if it isn't for the word "special."
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The special plans are for Heather's party the next day.

frostweaver said:
-I'm personally fine with the Kirby location crossovers, but in the same way as Pokemon fanfics, the Kirby part of the story needs a stronger emphasize, or else it'll seem like a violation of the copyright laws more than a crossover fanfic... Right now, exactly what is the significance of any Kirby material besides the names and mirror? (however, mirrors DON'T COUNT really in this fanfic, because according to HMW, mirrors are a cheap way to say "teleportation" or "a general name that's stuck on anything on the counterpart dimension of the Hoenn world."
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This part confused me at first, but I'm beginning to see where you're coming from. I never realized that I was using the whole "mirror concept" like that. Perhaps I should put more elements from the game into the fic then?

frostweaver said:
-Another traits of "Pokemon anime" that you must get rid of... now imagine. You're alone, and suddenly a cold breeze goes by. Thinking in terms of real life, how will actually say it out loud "why is it so cold?" No one will... Only anime/manga/some scriptfics can do that, but a story must not. No one talks to themselves, with the exception of the mentally ill or people who are too smart for us to understand (there's a poet who talks to flowers and fire hydrants, yet he writes good poems. I personally don't find his poems that good at all, but well people like him it seems. I forgot his name at the moment though x.x). When you're writing, be sure to think logically if this makes sense in the real world. If it doesn't, then you probably need to explain it (such as the flying/hovering/whatever limo) or reword it.
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Okay. Just read through that again, and I see what you mean by that. However, I've been watching the Pokemon anime for the seven years it's been around (yes, I STILL watch the anime, and feed me to wolves if you want, but I like it). And it's a hover limo, BTW.

frostweaver said:
-generally, it's still lacking details... conversations still dominate the ratio between dialogues and narration. It's like a scriptfic wannabe, but it's slowly improving over time. Adjectives and descriptions are present, but are never enough in this fanfic. For example, in the last scene involving Lyoko shaking because of the mysterious cold, we really don't know what's going on all that well if it isn't for Lyoko claiming in broad daylight "how it get so cold?" Most of the action relies on dialogues to tell us what's going on, with minimal description about what is actually going on. However, overall it's a slow and steady pace on its way to stardom. It's graduating getting better compare to HMW. Though the comments from ActonThat seems to say that the characters are worthless, well at least Heather has a decent character, while HMW there aren't any trait of character. It's an improvement. Keep it up!
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Well, I'll admit that the reason there was little to no characterization in HMW was to get to the action a lot faster (which is probably why it ended with only 27 chapters. Most anime go on about twice as long as that). However, that won't be a problem when version 3 of HMW comes.

frostweaver said:
Good Points
-general improvement in all aspects compare to the last review
-relative significant improvement in character development
-great amount of effort is shown, keep it up!
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Finally, I'm getting somewhere...

frostweaver said:
Focuses to Improve On
-details in narration while reducing some unnecessary dialogues
-further character development
-more explanations are necessary regarding original ideas
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Well, at least they aren't serious.

frostweaver said:
Title: 3/5
Grammar Basics: 10/10
Coherence/Readability: 8/10
Characterization: 10/20
Story Structure: 9/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 9/15
Diction: 11/20
Effort/Originality: 13/15
Lit. Device bonus: +0

total: 73
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My highest score yet! :D
 
Hey, does that mean I'm up next? Man, the anticipation will kill me. I'm not joking, just a little longer and I'll keel over. Please don't be responsible for my death frostweaver.
 
Another traits of "Pokemon anime" that you must get rid of... now imagine. You're alone, and suddenly a cold breeze goes by. Thinking in terms of real life, how will actually say it out loud "why is it so cold?" No one will... Only anime/manga/some scriptfics can do that, but a story must not. No one talks to themselves, with the exception of the mentally ill or people who are too smart for us to understand (there's a poet who talks to flowers and fire hydrants, yet he writes good poems
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I know a great many people that talk to themselves. I do sometimes, but I find it is a side effect to living alone. Also, I would think fics written in first person would certainly side-step this rule..
 
Yeah, I've made quite a few posts where I talk to myself. I mean, I talk to Annie or the Audience. They're just me...I feel like I'm mentally ill now...Oh wait, or one of those people who are "too smart for us to understand"! Yes!
 
Lemme explain myself without the parody, the metaphors and the sarcasm then...


It has something to do with the main villian, but I'll leave it at that to avoid spoilers.
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It's also called inconsistancy with the rest of the fanfic, burning your readers' eyes at the same time. I don't recall any published novels suddenly switching the color of their texts either... can you? It's either bold, underline or italics... you got nothing else to work with except for style (i'm unsure about font, but i'll rather not touch that one as well)

That would be a good idea, except ActOnThat suggested that I explain HMW canon better. That's why that list exists. There are some references to HMW 1 and 2 in this fic, and not everyone read the first and NO ONE at PC read 2. This story is more or less a side story of HMW.
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What he truly means is that you should be explaining these things IN YOUR STORY, and not by some useless sticky note that most people will hardly pay any attention to. It's part of your details and your ability to explain yourself within your fanfic. A major reason why your fanfic seems so empty is that none of your original ideas got any parts in details and vivid descriptions, because that note in the beginning of the story (which is completely useless to anyone who haven't played both games, and even if that person did, it's still hard to imagine how two different places are merged then combined) has supposedly "taken care of everything." It hasn't, and probably made it even worst by making your readers chuckle at the idea of carrots and ice creams. These sort of things should be done within the fanfic itself, not to have a "oh btw here's the setting"

Uh... Heather's wants to be a Pokemon COORDINATOR, not a Trainer. And she's not going on a journey either (her reason will be revealed in the next chapter).
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Missed my point... I'm talking about the title, and that's what the title is revealing for your readers. Everyone is lead off course towards the classical, cheesy, uninteresting, Ash-wannabe OT beginning. Anything related to that type of fanfic must be cut to shreds by Scyther, burned by Magmar then body slamed by Snorlax.

Winona was late with her business with Florinda. Then again, I suppose that part could be better.

The special plans are for Heather's party the next day.
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Exaggerated emphasize on an unimportant event... all the mood/tone setup the "special event" to be a very dark deed. Err... and it seems like it's actually a birthday party o.O;; Well... I was way off there... either one of us is in need of a major reformation =/ HUGE misleading there. The tone is at least 10x heavier than what is needed... I was thinking about assassination or some major world changing event plans o.o;

Okay. Just read through that again, and I see what you mean by that. However, I've been watching the Pokemon anime for the seven years it's been around (yes, I STILL watch the anime, and feed me to wolves if you want, but I like it). And it's a hover limo, BTW.
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Ok how does the fact that you still watch the Pokemon anime affect anything about what I've said...? Narrated fanfics and anime/manga/scriptfics are all different worlds. And the "hover limo" is one of the most vague concepts within your story... It said a limbo, read as a limbo, written down as limbo, and has no description about how it's not a limbo o.o; how am I suppose to know what the heck it is, hover or not...

If I'm in your case, I'll rather just create an original vehicle that can hover over water/run on land and save the effort that's necessary to describe how something is like a limbo but not a limbo at the same time...

Well, I'll admit that the reason there was little to no characterization in HMW was to get to the action a lot faster (which is probably why it ended with only 27 chapters. Most anime go on about twice as long as that). However, that won't be a problem when version 3 of HMW comes.
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again, 0 connection between any anime and your fanfic. One chapter certainly do not equate to one "epsiode." What's done by visual can be understood by its viewers within a second. What's written by words require much more thinking and time of reading... these two are NOT alike. Never use an anime to compare your fanfic for length purposes (or any purposes.) These two things are way too different to be compared.


As for Billy, yes the next one is you ^^;

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I know a great many people that talk to themselves. I do sometimes, but I find it is a side effect to living alone. Also, I would think fics written in first person would certainly side-step this rule..
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And a 7 year old who lives with her mother (does anyone ever wonder why over 90% of fanfic/anime characters are raised in single parent families, if any parents are there at all? =P) in what seems to be a very close relationship is suppose to do this...?

There are situations where this rule is sidesteped, especially in romance stories (or any emotional scenes.) Characters can just talk to nothingness, or shout to the open air in order to try to ease their feelings. However, I haven't read of any psychological support for talking to thin air when the feeling of fear is in you (now, saying "Who's there?" to the empty air is different from "why is it so cold here?" Saying "who's there" is actually talking to the suspect of the one hiding in the dark, totally different than "thin air.")

And Billy, what you do is roleplaying, and if you roleplay like that in real life without purposely being comedical/attention seeking, then it's called split personality =P
 
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Umm...frosty, ActOnThat is a girl.

I know, nitpicky. XD;


Breezy [Bree-zeh]
Female, Age 15
"The Diverse Writer"

- This writer has not one but several odd qualities greatly earning herself fame and popularity for her many achieved fanfictions. She has a large quantity of infamous ones, plainly on SPP (serebii forums) and FF.net (fanfiction.net). They focus primarily on May & Brendon, two vital characters in the games Ruby/Sapphire version, mainly digressing on love interests and surprising plot twists easily captivating the reader's attention.

- As a reviewer, this writer is well known. She honestly points out mistakes where it is needed, retorts back not with criticism for ignorant n00bs, but amusing, rhetorical facts.

- She seems to be held optimistic wherever she goes, despite the circumstance, and is usually the one providing the necessary comedy relief for the forum members. Either that or helpful advices. It is noted that her signature bears fancy designs of multicolored blue font, often portraying certain words deep and meaningful, when one would have normally assumed a link to her great fics would reside there instead.

- Overall, Breezy is a different writer sharing openly. She dwells in several forums ~ her exact location is unknown, considering she hops from one place to another.



meh. I was bored. I'm probably going to do someone else next time. xD
 
Lol Lileh, you're awesome. ^_^ You said SPP though. We're both gonna get smitted again. I'm glad I'm odd; all the other reviewers are sometimes mean to the poor n00bies- I mean "writers who tend to ignore the stickies at the top of the page and tend to have attitude with those who know better."

I'll write one for you someday when I'm bored too hehe.
 
frostweaver said:
Now for the fanfic forum... seems like we're being warned for being elitists or something =o Well whatever... I think that it's just a nudge to tell us to be careful on our wording to be nicer. I guess that we must take out words such as "noob massacres" and change them to "try to improve the quality of new writers by throwing them down intensive writing camps" type of thing? Dunno... but I guess that everyone will have to watch their mouth >>; *shuts up*
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but the thing is, several n00bs have a problem with wanting to improve, arrogantly turning deaf ears on constructive criticism of any sort. The way I see it, killing their fics is a way of both making them pay for their crimes against the fanfic community and saying "stay the **** away from here until you can stop being such a god ****ed n00b". From there, they either try to improve, don't show their face around there again, or continue acting as an annoying, persistant n00b until either one of the first two possibilities occur or they get banned completely. With this in mind, "massacre" seems fitting when a mod goes around closing several below-standard fics.

Frostweaver said:
-generally, it's still lacking details... conversations still dominate the ratio between dialogues and narration. It's like a scriptfic wannabe, but it's slowly improving over time. Adjectives and descriptions are present, but are never enough in this fanfic. For example, in the last scene involving Lyoko shaking because of the mysterious cold, we really don't know what's going on all that well if it isn't for Lyoko claiming in broad daylight "how it get so cold?" Most of the action relies on dialogues to tell us what's going on, with minimal description about what is actually going on. However, overall it's a slow and steady pace on its way to stardom. It's graduating getting better compare to HMW. Though the comments from ActonThat seems to say that the characters are worthless, well at least Heather has a decent character, while HMW there aren't any trait of character. It's an improvement. Keep it up!
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you know, I've recommended she go back to writing script quite a few times now. She even told me that when she writes, she personally pictures an anime play out in her head, which as I've said, seems most fitting for jotting down in a script format. Tell me Frostweaver, from where she stands right now, do you think she'd be better off trying to improve on her narration, or go back to script and improve on that? I would help her with script-writing, but the problem is that I seem to mostly do it naturally, without a clue as to what the hell I'm supposedly doing right. Speaking of which, are you sure you can't do one of them indepth analysises on my fic? Perhaps show me what makes my script stand out amongst all the others?
 
frostweaver said:
EDIT:
And a 7 year old who lives with her mother (does anyone ever wonder why over 90% of fanfic/anime characters are raised in single parent families, if any parents are there at all? =P) in what seems to be a very close relationship is suppose to do this...?

There are situations where this rule is sidesteped, especially in romance stories (or any emotional scenes.) Characters can just talk to nothingness, or shout to the open air in order to try to ease their feelings. However, I haven't read of any psychological support for talking to thin air when the feeling of fear is in you (now, saying "Who's there?" to the empty air is different from "why is it so cold here?" Saying "who's there" is actually talking to the suspect of the one hiding in the dark, totally different than "thin air.")

And Billy, what you do is roleplaying, and if you roleplay like that in real life without purposely being comedical/attention seeking, then it's called split personality =P
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I've noted in people that talk to themselfs, most of all those who have been put down their whole life, don't so much have a split personality as they do a sort of inner demon. Something that makes them say 'stupid me' comments to themself spoken and non-spoken. I think we all have a sort of 'inner voice' to our minds that we think of as 'ourselves' in a way.

Anyway, now that you say it, yes I am an only child, of divorced parents to boot. Never got to play with other kids my age back in the day ether. I guess that would have given me a 'mental illness' but I wouldn?t say talking to yourself brings you to the 'crazy' level. Maybe if you started hurting people because of it...
 
LilyPichu said:
meh. I was bored. I'm probably going to do someone else next time. xD
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[waves hand in the air] Ooh, ooh ooh ooh.... pick me, pick me!
 
Maybe if I ask again...

Why can't I log out? Is anyone else having this trouble? Don't want people to think ol' Billy's online when he's not.
 
*prepares self to get killed* Er, what exactly did happen at the green forum Oni? I've heard stories about something way back when I was obsessed with ff.net and not forums, but I never knew if they were true... *runs, hides, cringes and gets out water guns*
 
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Breezy said:
*prepares self to get killed* Er, what exactly did happen at the green forum Oni? I've heard stories about something way back when I was obsessed with ff.net and not forums, but I never knew if they were true... *runs, hides, cringes and gets out water guns*
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It's nothing about fanfics, actually... it's something really personal...
 
If any of you would like your fics posted a a pokemon fansite, please PM me for more details ^-^

And Frostweaver told me to do this...so...I'm on the right side of the law xD
 
Breezy said:
Not that anyone cares, but I updated "Who Shot Brendan Birch?" with chapter thirteen. I actually have to update that fic at ff.net though. Speaking of ff.net, I think I got banned from there for awhile. ^_^ I don't know why, but I think I did for the past few days.

That's how shadowphantomness gets banned a lot because of her championshipping and people don't like it and blah so they report it. FF.net doesn't bother to read the fic that are reported. OMG, now you could ban anyone you want now lol. But yeah, I think someone did that to me so blah.

Lileh be gone? She's still with us in spirit though, so don't be sad frosty. :P
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Heke?! Banned at ffnet? Must be the server! But anyways, I'm glad you're working on your fics again after months of writer's block....

I currently have it as of now
 
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