@ Three Winters of Saddness
-grammar check please... prepositions go flying out the window, resulting in run on sentences absolutely everywhere. There is a bogus word too... "snowfight" is not a word. You will want to reword these slangs/bogus to "a snowball fight" or "playing in the snow" and etc. These grammatical mistakes create a *huge* problem for the story, as the story becomes unreadable because of these mistakes. Many sentences don't make sense, or is not precise enough in order to tell the readers about the tale.
-due to the above, most of the story doesn't make much sense... like is the baby outside or inside? You really don't know.
-besides expressions with nothing but onometopias, all sentences NEED to have a verb. There is no verb in "The cry of the poor kid on the little bed her father got her." (the "got" in that sentence is part of a phrase, not the main sentence, so watch out)
-beware of clumsy diction like "a tiny finger was used to touch Pikachu." It is grammatically correct, but it disturbs the flow of the sentence to be used as the end of a sentence. Passive voice generally goes in the beginning part of a compound sentence. This isn't true all of the time, but it's best to go with the general formulas until you get the hang of it.
-there is a lack of transition regarding Ash coming home and thanking Pikachu, to Pikachu's flashback. Lack of transition results in a very choppy story. What leads Pikachu to think about this flashback? In a story, you cannot say "it just happened because it did" unless it's a dream sequence, or if you indicated that "<character> didn't even know why..." You have to lead your readers into understanding what your characters are thinking in an emotional warm oneshot like this. Explain to us what caused Pikachu to jump into the upcoming flashback. Perhaps by mentioning how Pikachu feels loved at that moment can help with this a little.
"I wonder when Brock, May and Mach will get here." He...
You can't even know what's the "he" in that statement... Is it Sceptile or Ash? No idea... be sure to vertify if your readers know what a pronoun is refering to before you use the pronoun.
lastly remembering how the arguments and fights ended in a daylong battle between May and Misty
What's the "daylong battle?" Though leaving things unexplained is a technique that writers use in order to create suspense, this here is not the case. This does not create suspense, but just confusion.
-it is invalid to say "back to reality" when Pikachu snaps out of his memories. Those memories are also part of reality, just not the reality of present times. Watch for the accuracy of your dictions.
-indeed the ending is not bad... it allowed many room to move around for any future add-ons to the story, such as sequels. A theme finally developped at the end which I was very thankful. It's just very difficult for a oneshot to be interesting without some sort of a theme...
-up to the very end, there is absolutely no character descriptions beside the point where Pikachu grew upset at the thought of the past regarding Team Rocket, which is another major weakpoint of this story. In a oneshot so focused on emotions, you will have to describe the characters to us. Physical description is nice but not necessary. However, emotions are a must for this oneshot. You'll definitely need to spend more time revising the story to add in more emotional touches to the story. Right now I can swap the roles of all the characters around while maintaining their personality (say let's swap Brock's place with Ash's while keeping Ash who he is, and the same for Brock), and no one will be able to notice the difference... when this happens, this means that either two characters got the EXACT same personality, or both of them have none to begin with...
-be sure to start a new paragraph whenever there is a new speaker, to help with readability. 98% of the time this remains true.
-for your next writing, it is strongly adviced to first focus your attention on grammar problems first as the basic. Then, try to start with some characterization and description for your characters before you try to worry about diction, tone, and other higher level writing techniques. For now, just try to read out a sentence, and if it doesn't sound awkward, then the diction is probably good enough.
Grammar Basics: 5/10
Characterization: 7/20
Coherence/Readability: 5/10 (grammar is really pulling down readability)
Tone/Atmosphere: 5/20
Diction: 5/20
Effort/Originality: 15/20
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (opening ending +1)
Total: 42
Not Frosty's fault if he turns the beginning of someone's 2005 bitter and miserable, because afterall Frosty's fanfic review is only the 2nd harshest ones available. I'll hand over the "harshest review award" to Farla ;p
