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[Pokémon] Far Away From Home (Recommended for a mature audience)

  • 3,857
    Posts
    15
    Years
    Summary: 7 Teenagers from 7 major cities in the world have their lives changed forever when they're suddenly transported to a world we know as the Pokemon World. As it turns out, they are to defeat all the challenges that await them, they will have to work together if they want to come back home in one piece. But will they?

    Author's Note: I know it sounds corny, had 20 people say that already, but hey, why not do this? Hope you have as much fun as I do as I write down this story I hope to complete in one year or less.

    Chapter 1: Their (hopefully not) last moments on Earth

    Part 1: TOMAS' ANGER

    NEW YORK CITY
    8:35 PM

    Tomas Hedgeford looked down from his apartment window. Whereas other people would have said they saw bright car lights moving in and out of view, Tomas saw people who used cars to get them faster to their destination.

    He stuck his head back inside of his apartment. He looked around his barren room.

    He sighed, loathing how empty it was. He got up to make himself some dinner.

    Tomas, you see, was an emancipated minor. That means he is responsible for himself, no parents to look after him, no annoying kid/older brothers or sisters, just him, and his dog, Jayson.

    Speaking of his golden retriever, he perked his head up as Tomas turned the kitchen light on, as the golden-haired canine looked up at Tomas thoughtfully.

    (Don't worry boy, we'll be alright,) Tomas thought gently, as he bent down to pet his dog.

    As he did this, Tomas thought about the events that led up to this. He thought about how abusive his mother and father was, how they hurt him, how they demeaned him, how they even tried to kill them.....but most of all, he wondered about his family. He wondered about his brothers and sisters, some who went to his grandparents house, some who went to a childcare shelter, some who even disappeared without saying a word.

    He decided, he hated his mother and father. He decided he hated them so much, that he would curse their names five times a day and then promise to get them back at what they did to him and his siblings.

    Before he knew it, he was crying. He cursed himself because he was crying, as usual. He took back what he thought about them earlier. He can't get them back. Hell, he couldn't even put the f word and their name in the same sentence for fear they would slap him across the face like they always did.

    In fact, he couldn't even talk. Tomas was born mute. He couldn't even talk if he wanted to. He had to use a machine that spoke for him. He never heard his own voice.

    His parents found out he was mute when they realized he couldn't scream as a baby. Did they pity him? No, of course not. That meant they needed to be humane, right?

    No. They smacked him in the face as a baby.

    Yep, that's right. As a baby they even slapped him. And not once either. No, not once a day. Probably twenty if you counted correctly.

    Tomas looked at Jayson once more, before burying his entire face in the dog's lush fur before letting his tears flow freely.

    Tomas stopped crying when his dog whimpered, and slowly got up as he walked over to his small kitchen.

    While waiting for his rice to cook (he could've made more, he was a incredible cook, but right now good old rice would do him some good.), he watched the local news, watching in disgust as the news anchor told the story of another child raping.

    Thinking about rape in general was too much for him, child raping....well, you might as well call the trauma hospital.

    Tomas got up as he walked over to the kitchen, tasting a rice grain and decided it was good enough to eat. He gave his dog organic dog food, for if his dog was unhealthy he would never forgive himself....which he still didn't do anyway.

    Before he ate, he prayed. He prayed to God that his parents would receive their punishment for all the things they did in the afterlife, and that his siblings have a better life now, and after they die. Even though he considered himself a coward, even though he hated himself with all his might, he still loved his siblings as if they were his own children.

    And so the sixteen year old was about to begin eating, before he felt a tingling in his stomach, and before he could react, a second later he vanished off the face of the Earth.

    His dog whimpered, and hoped that his owner would be okay.

    ********

    Any comments? Something I left out? Don't hesitate to tell me!
     
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    It's not bad, but I feel like you're slathering the bad things in Tomas' life around so much that a lot of the information reads more as ... comedic/unrealistic rather than something that should make the reader feel sympathetic toward.

    A lot of it has to do with your narrative. Your narrator tends to speak to your readers ("you know what happened?") which just doesn't work in this context.

    In fact, he couldn't even talk. Tomas was born mute. That's right, mute.
    Like, you know how some comedians sometimes reiterate a part of a joke for emphasis? It sounds like you're doing this here except, well, it's not suppose to be funny. If you're going for a shock factor by repeating it ("that's right, mute"), well ... you don't really need it. I believed you the first time.

    His parents found out he was mute when they realized he couldn't scream as a baby. Did they pity him? No, of course not. That meant they needed to be humane, right?

    You know what they did?

    They smacked him in the face as a baby.
    Again, the bold line here takes away the impact (no pun intended) of the actions Tomas' parents did to him because it's such an odd line. There are ways to "speak" to your readers/audience without it being so blunt like that. Getting rid of that bold line and adding in a "no" before the second paragraph (like you did before earlier) really has more of an impact and doesn't sound so awkward.

    Ex) His parents found out he was mute when they realized he couldn't scream as a baby. Did they pity him? No, of course not. That meant they needed to be humane, right?

    No. They smacked him in the face as a baby.​

    Because you have such serious issues with this person here, you also want to properly research.

    His parents found out he was mute when they realized he couldn't scream as a baby.
    Mute does not mean without sound. Mute means without speech - that is mute people do not know how to sound out words. That means that Tomas can still make noises (he can laugh, for example, cry, scream. It'll sound different from a person who is not mute, of course), but he just can't sound out words. While there are cases where vocal cords are physically damaged, most people do become mute due to traumatic experience. If you want to play with Tomas being mute, it'd be much more believable if he didn't speak because of what happened to him as a child rather than it being a physical deal. Once he meets new characters, it could be an interesting develop to see if he comes out and tries to speak.

    I mean, it's obvious that you planned a lot for this character (and I'm going to assume the six others after this), but be careful with how you let their information out and how much you let out. I felt like you piled way too much on the reader to the point that it just sounded silly rather than serious.

    He hasn't seen his parents for 5 months. According to the police, they were in prison. Sentenced 100 years for Child Abuse. And rape. And neglect. And finally for killing a child. More than once.
    This is heavy, but you rush past it so fast that it just sounds silly. o_O

    So just slow it down on the information. You have plenty of room to spread character information around (you don't have to let it all out in one go like this). Introduce it when necessary and when you have a chance to. For example ... I assume Tomas is going to meet other characters. Maybe these characters are going to talk about the past lives. One of these characters brings up their parents. Here, Tomas can reflect about what his parents did and where they are now. This way it doesn't seem all that random and doesn't pile on the reader.

    Long story short, it's a well developed back ground for a character, and he should be an interesting character to work with. Just remember to release information slowly.
     
    In this case, Tomas literally can't even grunt. Seems a bit stupid, but in this case, I think it's better that he doesn't talk/make internal noises. He knows Sign Language though. Okay, I'll edit some things.

    Oh yeah, I update every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
     
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    I feel nitpicky, but make your ellipses three dots (...) rather than four or five. Just being nitpicky because, apart from what Breezy's already said, I don't see much of a problem.

    I do agree with what Breezy said though, about the way you write. It makes it seem as if you're talking to us. Now, that's not always a problem, but generally, writing requires different...uh, what's the word, prose? to talking. It lacks the seriousness that you want to convey with this.

    Some of the tenses feel a bit awkward, too.

    Before he ate, he prayed. He prayed to God that his parents would receive their punishment for all the things they did in the next life, and that his siblings have a better life now, and after they die.
    For example, there, you used prayed (past tense) and then have (present tense). It would be much better sounding if it was had rather than have. While I'm on the subject of this particular sentence, that middle bit is kind of worded awkwardly. It sort of sounds like they'll be punished for what they will do in the next life. I'm thinking something like this would sound better:
    He prayed to God that his parents would receive punishment for all the things they had done in the afterlife.
    "Next life" sounds a bit strange when you're talking about two people, so yeah.

    Then, there's this:
    And so the sixteen year old was about to begin eating, before he felt a tingling in his stomach, and before he could react, a second later he vanished off the face of the Earth.
    ...which happens to be a huge run-on sentence (and you used and at the beginning of one! :<). You also set two time things ("before he could react" and "a second later"), which makes it sound really weird. The best way to fix this is probably just to split it into two sentences, something like:
    Thus, the sixteen-year-old was about to begin eating when he felt a strange tingling sensation in his stomach. A split-second later, he vanished off the face of the Earth.
    Now, uhm, I want to also point out that "vanished off the face of the Earth" doesn't sound quite right here, either, but that's your choice. :D

    All in all, it's a very interesting idea for a story, you just need to fix up your prose and the way you write. It sort of detracts from the story if it's badly worded. :D

    And, uh, don't rush yourself by updating every few days. Quality > Quantity, but the best thing is Quantity Of Quality. Take time to write your thing and proofread it so that whatever you come up with is the utmost quality. I mean, it's great that we're here to help you by writing TL;DR posts to fix up your grammar and stuff, but the best thing would be if we didn't need to write such TL;DR posts because there's little to fix.

    At any rate, this looks great, I'll be keeping an eye on it. :P
     
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