[Pokémon] Forget It. Sincerely, Paul

[ChrisTom]

Hey everybody! This is a Mirror Sequel mind you, so please read this first: https://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=205797

I wrote this due to the sudden popularity of my old fanfic called "Help Me. Sincerely, Totodile."

This is rated PG-13 Due to language and violence

I hope you all enjoy it!

Forget it. Sincerely, Paul.​

​

​

"Beep. Beep. Beep." The screen showed a number of various items. 4 bags of Bellsprout brand Potato Chips. 10 Pokeballs. 3 Miltank Fudge Bars.

"That'll be 28.72Pk." The cashier said. She was wearing a dark green apron, with the words "Bellsprout Groceries" happily printed upon it.

"Whatever." I said as apathetically as possible. I took out the leather wallet and shelled out a 30 Pk bill.

I picked up the groceries with my small 9 year old hands. I though people would think it was odd. An unsupervised 9 year old, buying groceries with a wallet, and then carrying them all by himself. But nobody noticed. They were to busy with their own lives. For all they knew, my Dad told me to pick up groceries. Yeah, right. Every Father tells his son to buy Junk food and Pokeballs.

I stepped outside into the bright sun. The air was thick and moist near Violet City. It was almost hard to breath.

I saw families and couples. Whenever I see one of them it is a bittersweet feeling. I congratulate them on their success, but I despise them for it. I stepped to my bike, which had been attacked by Carnivine. I was lucky enough to escape their clutches without them popping a tire.

In case you don't know, my name's Paul

...

You're probably wondering why I'm here in the first place. My Dad. My Mom left him when I was young, and she herself was too busy with some career in beauty. So I was stuck with my Father, whose crutch was Alcohol. You probably get the idea. My main sport was dodging beer bottles. Yes, It was all I ever knew. You'd think I'd get used to having my Father yell curse words at me instead of getting hugs. But you realize that people around you have those things, and it makes you envious. The week before I left because my Dad tried to choke me before I narrowly escaped to my room. I decided to leave Cherrygrove that evening. I stole my Dad's wallet and went find something else to do. To find love, even if it didn't want me.


...

That day I rode my bike over to the Tower looming over Violet City. The statues of Bellsprout seemed to stare at me with dissaproval. The eyes were carved in an odd way. There were no pupils.

"May I help you?" A sage asked.

"No, I'm ok. Do you know where a hotel is?"

He stopped and simply looked at me.

"You can stay at the Pokemon Center, but for that you need a Trainer Card. Come with me if you want one."

I followed him into the shaking wooden structure. Wind seemed to whistle through the cracks. Everything about the building seemed antique. The only thing knew (somewhat) was the old computer from the early 90's on a desk.

"Sit down." He said pointing over to a small wooden chair near the computer.

I did as he said. He seemed impatient, and annoyed of my sudden appearance. He typed a few things into the computer, and then a small laminated card came out of the printer.

"There. Now leave, I am very busy."

I stepped outside, confused of what just happened. Looking at the card I saw he had printed my name and photo onto the card. He must have known me, but I couldn't remember who he was.


I walked to the giant swamp near the Tower. Creatures were playing in the slightly murky water. A Poliwag was jumping up and down on the other side. Several Mudkip and Marshtomp were splashing each other. I walked along the bank hoping to catch something, but most Pokemon were in the center of the Pond.

Then to my surprise, a curious Totodile waddled up. It was very small, and looked as if it had recently hatched. I carefully stepped over to the Totodile. It looked back and forth at me and several other Totodile. I was angered then. I don't know exactly why. Perhaps it was because he was scared of me, or maybe it was because he had a family and I didn't.

"Totodile!" He said with a huge grin.

I thought he was mocking me. It looked like it. I know now he wasn't, but it looked like it.

I angrily threw the Pokeball at him, and he had a look of complete fear as he was swept in.


.......


It had been 5 years since then. I was sitting at a restaurant waiting for the waitress to come. I was bored out of my mind waiting, so I started counting. On the far side of the restaurant there were 6 glasses. I looked on the other side, and a couple was sitting and talking about some sort of plan. The girl was SOOO interested. You could tell because she was twirling her hair and trying to look cute. It was so aggravating. I left my Pokeball on the counter, because I was planning to leave soon. The waitress had taken my order 40 minutes ago.

I angrily walked out, hoping to make some money.

My life has been very monotonous since I was 9. The plan every day was to make money, and try to find my Mom. I never knew her of course, or what she looked like. I just hoped she was nicer than Dad, and was tired of doing her job.

Totodile was my only Pokemon, but even he was weak. Every time I battled something HAD to go wrong. And every frickin' time the other Trainer would smile and say "Hey eye wons! Give me moneyz!" And then I'd give the bucktoothed trainer his money. It's so annoying it just makes me want to scream. I'm not doing anything wrong! It's always the Totodile's fault! He always sleeps, and never shuts up. He is such a sissy too! Whenever I send him out he cowers like the brat he is. If I could I'd just step on whatever rat the other Trainer sends out.

I walk over and see a guy training his Pikachu. The Pikachu sends a jolt of sparks into a tree, making burnt berries fall down. Him and his owner pick up the berries and munch heavily on them. That's practically screaming laziness on the owner's part. Then again, who am I to talk?

"Alright you and me, right now!" I challenge

"Huh?"

"Listen I don't have all frickin' day! Just battle me already!"

"Uh, ok?" He says.

I send out Totodile, who spins around as if he's about to fall asleep.

I lean down and whisper a threat into his ear. That usually wakes him up.

"Alright Pikachu, I choose you!" My opponent states, as he throws down a different Pokeball

The Totodile shakes his head trying to stay awake and he wobbles over to the Pikachu. I watch as he barely avoids the thundershock. For god's sake if he just won for ONCE, I wouldn't be so pissed off all the time!! He hobbles towards the Pikachu, who then smacks him head on with it's heavy tail. Totodile falls to the floor, defeated in one hit.

I return him into his ball.

"Well it looks like you owe me 5.00Pk!" My foe said.

"..."

"PUNCH!!"

...

I walked into the Pokemon Center and healed Totodile. Several people were reading from the Center's small lending library. A woman in her 40's and a heavy set Man were the ones who caught my eye. I stepped upstairs and went to the hotel area. I slid the card in, and a green light came on. I had been using this room for the past week, and dirty clothes were on the floor.

I moved all of the clothes into the bathroom. Usually I let Totodile sleep on them, but I didn't feel like he should. It's nice being able to do that. To control a person's happiness. It's a powerful feeling really.

I threw the Pokeball on the linoleum tiling of the closet.

WHOOSH!!

"Totodile!" He whimpered. It was also nice to have somebody fear you. It comes hand in hand with the happiness thing.

"You worthless peice of crap!!"

I smacked him as hard as I could across his cheek. I knew the teeth of Totodile were sensitive, like a dog's nose

"TOTODILE!!" He cried. Tears of pure pain were running down his face.

"You're nothing but a pile of ****!!"

SMACK!!

His tears were bittersweet to me. I was sad seeing him cry, but it was nice to be able to show somebody how I felt.

"You're so god damn worthless!! You deserve to die!"

SMACK!!

"Totodile!! Toto DILE!!"

SMACK!!

I stopped and then left him in his room.

...

I do have a conscience mind you. I feel bad every day. The burden on my shoulders gets heavier and heavier, as I try to ignore it. My most frequent emotions are Bittersweet. It's so confusing and frustrating.

Whenever I see a family I hate them for their smut happiness, but I envy them for enjoying each other's company. When I see a young couple, I hate their overall perfection, but I'm so glad they found each other. And when I beat the only creature that is as close to a friend that I've had my entire life, I feel so horrible that I'm as demonic as I am, but I'm happy that I have a way to vent my anger out on something, that I can show somebody what it truly feels like to be in my position. But Totodile really is the closest thing to a friend, or a family, that I've ever had.

I know I make his life a living hell, but it is so odd when I beat him. I feel like a locomotive engine. Once I start it gets worse and worse until I do horrible things to this innocent creature. And when I stop I feel another frequent emotion. Guilt. But soon after, I don't feel it anymore. I just wish I could stop, but it is like a drug. I get so frustrated at the world, and I take it out on Totodile.

...

"KNOCK, KNOCK!" I hear loud banging on the door

I grumbily sat up half asleep, and half naked.

"Hold on, I'll be out in a minute..."

I threw on some jeans and a long sleeved shirt.

"Hello?" I mumbled

"Hi, we heard some noise complaints last night and just wanted to check everything out."

The heavyset man at the door was a Police, and he was obviously lying. If there is one thing a Policeman should be good at, it should be lying.

"Um... sure..."

I opened the door all the way.

"Well we're just going to check in the general area and-"

I grabbed my bag and ran before he could finish his sentence.

"Hey stop right there!!" He called after me.

Several other men walked into my room as the guy was chasing me. I slid down the escalator into the lobby. He was not far behind me. For being fat he was fast.

I rushed outside and jumped to my bike when I-

"FREEZE!"

My legs and arms dropped to the ground in an odd shaped brick of ice.

Wow. The Policemen carry around Froslass just to say that. His Froslass hovered around me as he came over. As he said my list of rights I knew somebody found out about what I did to Totodile.

.....

I was sentenced to Rehabilitation. In other words a prison for crazy people. The deal was if I sat in my cell for 30 days and each week I talked to a therapist, then I could get out. Once more, nobody asked about where my father was.

...

My cell was white and concrete. I spent most of my time trying to go over all of the things I'd done the past 5 years. I met a movie star. I saw a play. Saw hundreds of shrines. Went to Ecruteak, Goldenrod, Olivine, Blackthorn, Azalea, Mahogany, Violet City, and a few other places.

I was called by the therapist who was a 28 year old man, and had a strange obsession with buttons. They were in several jars on his desk and there were pictures on walls of buttons.

"I heard you had a problem." He said

"Uh, yeah... I guess."

"Tell me why you did this."

"Uh, because I felt bad about my own life I guess."

"Tell me who you did this to."

"My Pokemon Totodile."

"Tell me how you did this."

"Um, with my hands."

"Tell me when you did this."

"Well I've done this for a while but-"

"Tell me where you did this."

"You're kidding right?"

"Tell me what you did this with."

"Seriously, are you animatronic or something?"

"I think we've learned a lot today."

"No we didn't!"

"I'll see you again next week"

I walked out of the therapy room very confused. When I was being walked back to my room I asked one of the guards why the therapist was like that.

"He's has to say the same things to everybody, that way we won't have any liabilities if he got somebody angry. Other than those questions, he can't ask anybody about their personal life. Sorry about that."

The next sessions were exactly like that. I learned more about myself inside the cell then I did in therapy. I thought about things. One day in my cell I thought about all of the personifications of evil in the world. It was right then I had an epiphany.

Am I evil?

I never really asked myself that before. My entire Teenage life I've been living alone, trying to find love when I don't even know how to give it. For my entire childhood the only way anybody's ever expressed love to me was through cursing, and purposely missing my head when they were trying to hit me.

I wondered if it were too late to be friends with the only person who had been with me through thick and thin. Although I hurt him he could have run away couldn't he?

And here come the bittersweet feelings again. God. I am just sick of this up and down feeling.

I did evil things to somebody innocent. But I had the conscience to be guilted by it... So am I truly an evil person after all?

When I thought about this in my hard cold cell, I started to cry.

No! It wasn't too late! I would find him and show him that I care. But I... What If I go crazy again? What if I get angry at him for no reason again? God, I hate myself!

I decided that no matter the cost, I would find him and try to start over. If I could.

...

"You are free to go, just please keep out of trouble." The Judge said after I payed the bail.

I stepped outside and saw it was raining in Ecruteak. The sky was a dark grey and rain was pouring out of the sky like thousands of liquid Tauros on stampede. It seemed to match my emotions as well.

People were rushing out of the street trying to find shelter. There was a flashing neon sign for a Snorlax Pizza parlor. The Snorlax was giving a giant grin while picking up a pizza on his belly. I walked over to the small pizzeria to see a Family. I first cringed but then realized something. There was no reason to be envious. I was given just as much as a chance as them in life. They didn't care if life was bad for other people, because they may have had rough starts, but they probably worked for that happiness. I decided I would chase after happiness as well.

...

2 months passed since I was released. I knew the odds of finding Totodile were so insignificant that I might as well have given up after the first week. They never told me what they did with Totodile. I mostly was in the general area of Ecruteak. I would walk in parks. I would go back to the Pond alot. I was very sober and tried to keep to myself. I almost wished not to see him. I was afraid I would hurt him again.

I tried to get better. I got job as a cashier for Devon Bookstores. I wanted to help myself and get rid of the memories of what happened. Sometimes though I could remember hearing Totodile beg for mercy. And then when there was nothing left, he sounded as if he wanted to die.

I shuddered at the thought.

...

I clocked out of work one day and decided to go to the Grocery Store. I needed to get some meats and cheeses. It felt good to know I was supporting myself. The streets were crowded with rush hour. I lost my bike and instead walked. Ecruteak was a big city after a few major corporations moved there. I loved how you could see some of the old wooden buildings next to the looming steel skyscrapers.

I stopped at a bench when I was practically pushed out of the crowds of walking people. So I decided (more so was forced) to just sit and listen to the sounds of humanity.

HONK! HONK!! 12 O' CLOCK ARE YOU SURE? HOT DOGS! CHURROS! HEY GET BACK HERE! VRRROOOM!! HE DID WHAT? DILE!! TAKE OUR SURVEY FOR-

Wait...

I looked around to see a girl in a green shirt and white skirt walking into a Electronics Store. A Totodile was waiting outside for her when she went in. It had a slight freckle on one of its spikes. It was my Totodile!

I was about to go when I thought about some things. What If I hurt it? What if the owner is mad at me? How will I explain this? What if Totodile's still mad at me?

I took a deep breath and walked over to the Blue Pokemon. He turned around and started shaking very hard.

"To... to.... DILE!! TOTODILE!! TOTODILE!!"

Everybody started looking at the panicing Pokemon.

"It's... It's okay Totodile." I said. I did it. I talked to him without yelling.

He didn't believe me and started shaking his head back and forth "TOTODILE!! Toto dile. TOTO dile!" He started cowering and trying to cover his body with his tiny arms.

"Totodile I'm not going to hurt you. Please believe me."

"TOTODILE!! Toto toto!!" He cried in the most miserable tone ever.

I was tired of trying to talk to him like this. I set my bags down, and then I just picked him up as he struggled to get out of my hands.

"Totodile!!"

"Please listen to me Totodile. This is hard enough as it is."

"TOTO!!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. Most people stopped taking interest.

"Totodile I have something to tell you and you're going to have to be quiet. So please shut up. I don't think I can say that any clearer."

"Toto...."

"Now listen. I wanted to say that I'm," I took a deep breath "Sorry. I realized recently that you were the only person who was ever close to a family or a friend so I'm sorry. I'm not going to hurt you, and If there is anything I can ever do to return the emotional and physical damage I've done to you then please let me know. I just hope we can start over and become friends and perhaps a family."

I could tell he didn't believe me, but I wasn't going to give up. I set him down.

"I can tell you're still mad at me. I'd be mad at me too. But even if you don't want to believe me, at least take this as a gift."

I wasn't planning on it, but then I reached into my bag and then handed him a fish from the Grocery store.

"Toto... Totodile?" He asked rather confusedly, while pointing to himself.

"Sure, why not?"

He sniffed the fish as if it were poisonous. This made me a little mad but I could understand. Not that I ever did anything like that but...

"Totodile!" He happily said as he picked up the fish and chomped on it.

"So uh... truce?"

"Toto." He said offering his hand.

I shook his hand and wondered what he was thinking.

"Ok, come on Toto!" His new owner called.

"Totodile! Toto dile dile dile. To to, Dile! Totodile!" He tried to explain to her.

"Oh does he know you?" She asked Totodile, who furiously nodded his head. He was hypnotized by the fish. A serial killer could've given him a fish and he would've been loved the person.

"I used to uh... be his owner."

"Oh, well it was nice to meet you!"

"Hold on. I was hoping to talk to Totodile for a bit."

"Why? You gave him up, and he's mine now."

"Well..." I sighed. If I told her the truth she would've thought I was a jerk.

"I'm sorry what is your name?" I asked

"Emily."

"My name's Paul. Uh... I didn't give Totodile away, he was taken from me."

"Why?"

I sighed again.

"I did some very bad things to him. I hurt him, and now I want to make it up to him. If there is anything he wants, I want to help him get it."

She just stared at me confused. Several minutes stood empty.

...

"Fine. But I get to come to make sure you don't hurt him. I've got a cell phone so one wrong move and SNAP!!"

.....

Totodile was in Emily's hotel room and pointed to a spot on a map.

"Totodile!" He said.

He was pointing slightly to the left of Violet City. Right where I got him.

"So you want to go where I caught you?"

"To..." which I'm assuming meant "And..."

He grabbed a crayon of a desk and drew a cartoon fish.

"You want more fish too?"

"Totodile!" He grinned

...

We all went to Violet City, and of course bought a few filets of fish. I stopped at Bellsprout Tower. I heard whispers about forests and Bellsprouts and ghosts and ogers.

We stopped at the Swamp. It was almost the same as the day I caught Totodile. A Poliwag in the distance jumping up and down like a maniac. A few Mudkip playing and stomping in the mud. Croconaw tackling eachother.

"Totodile..."

We then heard singing.

"Feral Feral Gatr Gatr Aligatr Feral Gatr Feraligatr Gatr Gatr..."

"TOTODILE!!" He screamed with joy. He ran into the swamp and jumped and swam and was so happy he was practically crying tears of joy.

He swam over to a group of his kind on the other side of the swamp. They rejoiced with finding their long lost sibling. Totodile looked overjoyed. He then took one look back at us before they all walked into the forest.

I then realized we weren't that different at all. And we both wanted the same wish:


To have a family.










I hope you all liked it! My main inspiration for this series was odd. It was a lot of things actually. The animation for a fainting Charmander in Pokemon Snap was one(I know sounds weird). Also that online game where you "Raise your own Pikachu" which is a lot lamer than it sounds. But that was a huge inspiration. Some of these are demons I fight within myself. Although we don't want to admit it, all single people are a little envious of couples. I also do what Totodile does alot, count random things. For those of you who read the first story, I actually placed myself in as one of the characters. It was a cameo, so you probably wouldn't even realize it.

In the end I just wanted to make a Drama with a large reflection between both parties. Even though they seem entirely different in the end they both wanted the same thing.

I hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!


With all regards,

-ChrisTom

 

[Akustar]

... ... I should have expected that kind of background, but it still makes an impact. Such an impact. I really don't know what to say.

 

[ChrisTom]

Woohoo! Somebody liked it! BTW I can't take you seriously with that Avatar. It makes you seem dumbfounded by everything you post on.

But yeah. That's it for this series. No more sequels. But I'm glad you like it!

 

[Krystallyn]

Aww... So sweet!! I really liked it, and am glad you took the time to write it. Thank you!!

 

[ChrisTom]

Thank you krystallyn! I like how optimistic all your post are and I appreciate your constant support of my Fanfics! I have a few more ideas and I'd like to run them by you, so from now on, you are my editor. I guess. It's not really an official title, but from now on when I have an Idea I will message it to you and ask your opinion. Your suppot has been grandiose so far, and I am glad to have a friend like you.

With all regards,

-ChrisTom

 

[Krystallyn]

Thank you!! I will do my best.

 

[JX Valentine]

Not to be mean, but someone who gives you one-liner praise constantly is probably not the best choice for an editor. While I'm not saying you should go with someone who does nothing but rip you apart, you'll want someone objective, not someone who supports you unconditionally. If you go with someone who constantly supports you, they'll say everything you do is incredible or passable, rather than offer you advice and constructive criticism to help you develop as a writer.

That said, I read over your first fic, and I'm ready to delve into this one. It just alarms me how many people have been posting one-liners to your stories because, really, that doesn't help an author as much as someone who actually cares enough to sit down and flesh out a review that touches more upon different points and shows you want to take the time to pay attention to their hard work. (I wrote a sticky on this. Go see it in Writer's Lounge.)

4 bags of Bellsprout brand Potato Chips.

See, this is why I said one-liners aren't good things. Right off the bat, I can tell you could use a good proofreader. First off, you actually write out every number from zero to ten. (Some rules say zero to ninety-nine, but I'm being lenient here.) Furthermore, I'm not sure why you capitalized "potato chips," but that's a common noun.

Basically, I understand that you've been getting a lot of praise, but really, if you want to be taken seriously, you don't want to open with too many errors because that distracts most other readers (especially if you plan on going to other communities). You want to make sure your writing is clean and error free so your reader can go from one point to another without getting stuck on the finer details. In order to do this, you have to sit down and proofread your work.

"That'll be 28.72Pk." The cashier said.

Another point to note: dialogue. It's a bit complicated, but I'll try to make it fairly simple. The part that says "(character) said" is called a dialogue tag. It's actually only a sentence fragment – like an adjective that describes who says the quote and how. It's not a full sentence itself.

So, how do you punctuate it? It's best to give you examples and explain them, so just check behind the spoilers because it's lengthy.

Spoiler:

Tag After Quote
"That'll be 28.72 Pk," the cashier said.
This is your most basic instance of punctuating dialogue – the example that everyone will write at least ten times per story with conversations in them. Notice that the period in the quote is actually a comma, and the dialogue tag is not capitalized. This is because of what I said earlier: the tag is not a full sentence. It's actually part of a larger sentence that includes the quote.

Tag Before Quote
The cashier said, "That'll be 28.72 Pk."
Again, instead of a period, you have a comma. However, because the sentence within the quote is actually a complete spoken sentence (as in, if you removed the tag and the quotation marks and just assumed you were face-to-face with the cashier, that'd be a complete sentence there), it gets capitalized, and a period is placed at the end of it.

Tag Interrupting a Sentence
"That'll be," the cashier said, "28.72 Pk."
Once again, the tag is not complete by itself, so you surround it with commas to indicate you're interrupting a sentence to insert it. Likewise, you don't capitalize the tag at all.

Tag Not Interrupting a Sentence
"That'll be 28.72 Pk," the cashier said. "Paper or plastic?"
OR
"That'll be 28.72 Pk." The cashier said, "Paper or plastic?"
Notice how there's two complete sentences in the quote? If the tag comes between them, you need to decide which sentence the tag goes with and use either the before-quote or after-quote rule, depending on which way you're going. You don't follow the interrupting-sentence rule because that actually turns the quote into a run-on sentence.

Not a Tag
"That'll be–" The cashier paused, looking at her display. "–28.72 Pk."
OR
"That'll be 28.72 Pk." The cashier crossed her arms, waiting for me to do something.
Dialogue tags need to say who says a quote and how. If it doesn't contain a "he said" element, it's not a tag, so it's actually a full sentence on its own, even if it's interrupting a quote. How you handle it depends on where it happens. If the sentence comes before or after the quote, just punctuate both the tag and the quote like any other sentence. If the piece of narration comes in the middle of the quote, use dashes.

She was wearing a dark green apron, with the words "Bellsprout Groceries" happily printed upon it.

This seems to come out of nowhere, really. First off, we're not given any other description (i.e., of scenery, of other characters, what have you) besides a random side character who has no important to the rest of the plot. Second, we're not given any explanation why Paul would notice what she looks like. There's no real significance to the dark green apron, and Paul certainly doesn't go into more detail as to why he brings it up. Right now, it feels like a Chekov's gun, an element that's going to come back and be extremely vital to the plot of this story, but I have a feeling it's not.

I picked up the groceries with my small 9 year old hands.

Nine-year-old is actually a phrase that's serving as one adjective to describe the hands. (As in, the hands aren't old. They're nine years old.) Hence, you need to hyphenate it.

I though people would think it was odd.

Be careful and proofread closely. Your spell checker won't pick up on a real word used in a place where you actually wanted another one. For example, you mean "thought" here, but your spell checker will never be able to tell you that you used "though." Because this is just one letter off, I can tell all you need to do is comb through your story with a closer eye than you already (hopefully) do.

You do this a number of times throughout the fic, actually – using one word when you actually mean another. (You do it, for example, later on when you mean to use "breathe" instead of "breath.") So, I'd also recommend getting a beta-reader from the beta reading thread in Writer's Lounge, preferably someone who's experienced with language.

An unsupervised 9 year old, buying groceries with a wallet, and then carrying them all by himself.

You actually don't need the comma after "wallet." This isn't a compound sentence.

But nobody noticed.

However, you could easily attach this sentence to the one before it by using a comma. It'd probably be better if you did because a sentence fragment like this breaks up the flow of your narration, giving it a jerky feel. As in, it feels like it should be part of a larger sentence, but instead, it forces the reader to stop and stumble.

They were to busy

Also, be careful with homophones. To is an adverb indicating location or the tense of a verb. Too is an adverb indicating a lot of a certain quality.

my Dad told me

"Dad" (and "father" in the next sentence) are both common nouns. You only capitalize the words if you can replace them with a person's name.

In general, you capitalize a lot of common nouns. Be careful. Remember that proper nouns are only names of special people, places, things, or concepts. It's not, for example, "Junk food" because (aside from the fact that "junk" is an adjective here) you're talking about just any junk food. If you said Bellsprout-brand cookies, you'd capitalize "Bellsprout" because it's the name of a company.

I congratulate them on their success, but I despise them for it.

Considering Paul was just randomly rude to a cashier and given the fact that this is Paul, I'm a little surprised he would congratulate them.

I stepped to my bike, which had been attacked by Carnivine. I was lucky enough to escape their clutches without them popping a tire.

First off, if this happened before the main events of the story, why do we need to know this, especially if the bike isn't too damaged for him to use? It just doesn't seem to do any character building, and it doesn't have much plot significance.

Second, Carnivine? Near Violet/Cherrygrove City? (I mean, there's just a lot of other Pokémon you could have used around Violet City. Ekans pops into mind first, but you could have also used Weedle attacking with their horns, Bellsprout using their leaves, and so on and so forth. Carnivine, meanwhile, are only in Ilex Forest, and even then, they're extremely rare and will only appear if you happen to be playing music from Sinnoh.)

In case you don't know, my name's Paul

Aside from the fact that you didn't put a period at the end of this sentence, don't introduce a narrator this way. You're basically stopping the story to smack the reader in the face with information. Think of it like this: you're sitting down with someone to tell a story face-to-face. Do you stop in the middle of the story to say what your name is?

If you introduce the narrator in a first-person work, there's a couple of different ways to do it without sounding too awkward. While I can't tell you all the different ways because I encourage you to experiment, but a few suggestions to think about include:

1. Having another character say his name. You can get away with not naming the narrator (because there's no reason why the reader necessarily needs a name right away to identify the character) until someone else does it, and it'd be perfectly natural for someone he knows well to address him by name.

2. Introducing him at the very beginning of the story. Why wait, after all, when it's a fairly important detail if the character has to do the introducing himself? This depends on the attitude of the character, however; characters normally don't introduce themselves unless they are, on a level, outgoing. Given how asocial Paul is, I don't think he'd actually start off a story by telling the reader his name.

My main sport was dodging beer bottles. Yes, It was all I ever knew.

Oh dear.

Aside from the fact that this is an infodump (as in, you stop the narration and spend a paragraph that seems to come out of nowhere – to the point where you actually say "you may be wondering" – to fill out important details in short sentences), it's just... rather cliché for an angsty past. Abuse is a pretty serious subject, as is alcoholism. While you do get messed up growing up with a life like that, it just seems like abuse from a parent is the first thing people go to in order to make a character's past seem incredibly sad. If you're going to work with those subjects, you'll need to deal with a lot of emotional scarring, a lot of moments when you have a character deal with the idea of his own vulnerability (and not just envy towards people outside his life), and a lot of physical scarring if there's actual physical abuse involved.

That and it's just really hard to take it seriously if you give a character an abusive, alcoholic parent for the sake of making things angsty, just because of how often it happens. (It is, after all, perfectly possible to have an alcoholic parent without the abuse.)

That day I rode my bike over to the Tower looming over Violet City.

Even if "the tower" refers to Sprout Tower, it's actually still a common noun because it's not serving as a name at this point.

The statues of Bellsprout seemed to stare at me with dissaproval.

...Did you run this through spell check? O_o Genuinely curious here because a spell checker would have picked up on a misspelling of "disapproval."

In general, seriously, proofreading is a key point of writing. Even if you do this as a hobby, you need to go all the way with your work, sit down, and read through it. Don't post work that you write in one sitting and never proofread. Let it cool for a day before reading through it and fixing it up. This straightens out awkward parts and irons out the kinks so your reader can fully appreciate it.

You know. The readers who don't just skim through and post a one-liner that doesn't really point to anything specific.

"No, I'm ok.

Don't abbreviate "okay." It's just one of those other things you actually need to write out.

Also, if he was being apathetic to a cashier, why is he politely asking for help from another stranger?

The only thing knew (somewhat) was the old computer from the early 90's on a desk.

Again, proofreading carefully to pick out homophones is important. I say this in this particular case because I had to read this through a couple of times to realize that you aren't missing a subject here and that you meant to say, "The only thing (somewhat) new was an old computer from the early 90's on a desk."

Incidentally, yeah, reading your sentences aloud will also help you listen to how your sentence is worded. If you noticed any other changes I made above, it's because the sentence sounded a bit awkward as it was.

I did as he said. He seemed impatient, and annoyed of my sudden appearance.

Tip: Whenever you write a comma-conjunction pairing into a sentence (like a comma followed by the word "and"), try replacing it with a period first. If you get two separate sentences as a result, leave the comma in. If not, take it out.

Furthermore, we're looking at a priest here. Besides the fact that he's doing a job that priests don't normally do (As in, canonically, if you don't get registered as a trainer in a league at the local professor, you do so at the Pokémon Center... and anyway, why is a priest working a secretary's job?), Buddhist priests like the ones the guys all over Johto are modeled after are all about patience. They're the kind of people who spend hours meditating and praying, and I don't think many of them would treat a person with impatience or rudeness unless you happen to really screw up on the temple grounds.

He typed a few things into the computer, and then a small laminated card came out of the printer.

Side note: First off, you don't stick laminated things into a printer because that's a good way to jam it. Second, things get laminated to protect them from markings. Printing something onto a laminated sheet is not very effective. What you actually have to do instead is print out a normal piece of paper and then put it through a special machine to get it laminated.

Of course, licenses are a completely different story because you use entirely different machines to make them. While I don't know off the top of my head what they're called, a bit of Google research might pull something up.

This all is, of course, not touching the fact that the sage seems to ask absolutely no questions about the boy. While I'm willing to swallow the "he just magically knew my name and conveniently had a photo of me, even though he neither asked nor took my picture" explanation, he seems to be completely okay with the idea of giving the kid a license, even if he's feeling rather impatient about the entire ordeal. Buh?

I stepped outside, confused of what just happened.

Confused about. You don't really get confused of something.

I walked to the giant swamp near the Tower.

The giant body of water you're talking about is a lake, not a swamp. Two different things, really.

Beyond that, what are Hoenn starter Pokémon doing hanging out in a lake in Johto? Starters are usually pretty rare in every canon, and even then... not exactly the right region for them.

I angrily threw the Pokeball at him, and he had a look of complete fear as he was swept in.

Considering the fact that this Totodile happened to be recently hatched and in plain view of his companions, I'm actually rather surprised that the rest of the pack didn't just try to rip Paul apart. It's almost like they're completely okay with him just taking one of their own (with a bit more angry enthusiasm than necessary).

Basically, what strikes me as a little uncomfortable about this story so far is that other than the angsting he did about his father not too long ago, Paul's not really facing any challenges. The sage just gives him a license without so much as a test, and that guy was in a tower known for forcing actual licensed trainers to undergo tests (read: battles) in order to determine whether or not the kid is worthy of being called a companion to Pokémon. After that, Paul goes out and catches his first Pokémon with literally no effort. Totodile walks right up to him, doesn't attempt to break out of the ball, and is seemingly completely forgotten by its companions. There's just no challenges here. There's no struggles, nothing that actually stops him and says, "No, sorry, you can't do that." Unfortunately, because struggles are really what makes a story interesting and what makes a character someone the reader wants to feel sympathy toward, this lack of any challenges that the cosmos is throwing at Paul just makes him feel flat and makes the story a bit difficult to get into, sorry to say.

The girl was SOOO interested.

Unless you want Paul to sound like a preteen on AIM, you'll want to avoid having him write "so" with more than one O. If you need emphasis, you'll probably want italics tags, if anything at all. (You can actually get away with just using the word "so" without anything else.) I say this because it's actually a bit more difficult to take him seriously if you do that.

And every frickin' time the other Trainer would smile and say "Hey eye wons! Give me moneyz!"

1. Comma after "say." That part is actually serving as a dialogue tag, so you'll want to separate it from the quote.

2. *rolls up newspaper and thwacks* No. Do not use lolspeak in your writing, especially if you're trying to build a serious character. (I highly doubt that someone who angsts as much as Paul will want to sound like a macro ripped from I Can Has Cheezburger.com.)

And then I'd give the bucktoothed trainer his money. It's so annoying it just makes me want to scream. I'm not doing anything wrong! It's always the Totodile's fault! He always sleeps, and never shuts up. He is such a sissy too! Whenever I send him out he cowers like the brat he is. If I could I'd just step on whatever rat the other Trainer sends out.

It's been five years in the Pokémon world, and he hasn't made any progress? I mean, even anime!Paul managed to get powerhouse Pokémon in less time than Ash, and anime!Paul's picture is in the dictionary next to the term "ass hole."

Him and his owner

While it could just be Paul's own way of speaking, "him" is an object pronoun, meaning it only comes after a verb in a sentence. You don't, for example, say, "Him picks up the berries." You say, "He picks up berries."

"Alright you and me, right now!" I challenge

I know I've said this over 9000 times already, but proofread carefully. Periods go at the ends of all sentences except questions and exclamations. This is a basic rule that you've already shown competence in using, so there's really no reason why you should stop now.

"Alright Pikachu, I choose you!"

Because "Alright Pikachu" is not its name (unless it is, at which point, I have to say your name choices would be awesome, seriously), you'll actually want a comma after "alright." The reason why is because that's an introduction word, so it needs a comma after it, while "Pikachu" is a direct address that needs commas surrounding it.

In general, it's probably easier to just Google guides to comma rules. I'm just going to shut up about commas from here on out because you have a lot of errors involving that little mark of punctuation, but the rules are a bit difficult to explain.

I watch as he barely avoids the thundershock. For god's sake

Because you capitalize Pokémon species names and Pokémon-related items (like the Poké Ball), you need to capitalize move names as well for the sake of consistency.

Also, because "God" is actually a name there (regardless of whether or not you believe in him), you need to capitalize that word while you're at it.

who then smacks him head on with it's heavy tail.

There's an easy tip to figure out whether or not you need to use an apostrophe in a pronoun: no pronoun has an apostrophe in it unless it's a contraction. As in, "it's" is not a possessive pronoun. It actually stands for the phrase "it is," and you can tell this because no other pronoun (mine, ours, yours, his, hers) uses an apostrophe in its possessive form.

"..."

"PUNCH!!"

...Where did this even come from?

A woman in her 40's and a heavy set Man were the ones who caught my eye. I stepped upstairs and went to the hotel area.

Wait, what about them? O_o You say they caught Paul's eye, but then, you go off on a completely different subject. What significance do they have to the plot? What about them caught Paul's eye?

WHOOSH!!

For a serious scene, you don't want to do things like this. It causes your writing to have a cartoonish feel to it, like we're watching an old episode of the campy, 60's version of Batman. Instead, describe what the sound was like in a complete sentence. Show us the ball opening and Totodile coming out and cringing.

"You worthless peice of crap!!"

I smacked him as hard as I could across his cheek. I knew the teeth of Totodile were sensitive, like a dog's nose

"TOTODILE!!" He cried. Tears of pure pain were running down his face.

"You're nothing but a pile of ****!!"

His tears were bittersweet to me. I was sad seeing him cry, but it was nice to be able to show somebody how I felt.

"You're so god damn worthless!! You deserve to die!"

I have to admit that it was hard to read through this because of how melodramatic it was. It feels like it was written by someone who hasn't actually had too much in the way of physical or emotional abuse. Sorry to put it like that, of course, but in the cases I've heard of, it doesn't just come out of nowhere without warning. While Paul had a motive for doing it, the actual action happens with no real build-up, without any word to Totodile about how disappointed he was or what the beating means.

And even more importantly, it's in a shared space. As in, people can hear you through walls unless they're thick concrete. Considering how fluffy this universe is, someone's probably going to raise a question or two.

Also, what made it difficult to get through the scene was the return of those sound words. Every time they happened, I flashed back to episodes of Batman.

Whenever I see a family I hate them for their smut happiness,

Oh, Jesus. O_o I hope they're not experiencing "smut happiness."

The reason why I say this is because "smut(ty) happiness" = happiness that comes from a sexual situation. "Smut" in general doesn't mean an ordinary filthy. It actually means "promiscuous" or "filthy" in a pornographic sense.

In other words, never use the thesaurus to make your narration sound flowery. It sometimes doesn't work out the way you intended.

I know I make his life a living hell, but it is so odd when I beat him. I feel like a locomotive engine. Once I start it gets worse and worse until I do horrible things to this innocent creature. And when I stop I feel another frequent emotion. Guilt. But soon after, I don't feel it anymore. I just wish I could stop, but it is like a drug. I get so frustrated at the world, and I take it out on Totodile.

It's really difficult to take this seriously when he just went right into beating Totodile in the last scene without actually leading up to it.

"KNOCK, KNOCK!" I hear loud banging on the door

Did an officer actually say "knock, knock"? Genuine question here because it seems rather unprofessional for an officer, but I can't tell if you meant it to be another onomatopoeia like the entire "smack" thing a couple scenes ago.

The heavyset man at the door was a Police,

A police officer. Police is a department – an organization, basically, not the name of individual members within it.

Also, how did Paul know the man was lying? I really hope this isn't a case of "we shouldn't trust authority figures because they're the Man" kind of thing because that usually comes off as preachy. I suppose you could get away with it if Paul himself was of the "down with the Man" sort of opinion, but if he doesn't really have any political stance, that might be something you'll want to flesh out (i.e., describe) a bit more.

"Um... sure..."

...So, wait. He doesn't trust the police officer, but he opens the door anyway? Why didn't he just find a window to crawl out of or attempt to resist by not opening the door?

My cell was white and concrete.

While I'm not surprised that Paul thinks of it as a jail for crazy people, psychiatric rehabilitation centers aren't actually jails. They're not normal homes, but they're places where people can stay and be comfortable enough to heal. In other words, the ones I've heard of are actually hospitals, not jails. (They're secure hospitals where you just can't come and go as you please, but they're not actually the kinds of prisons you see in cop shows.) There's also rather nice isolated communities that function as rehab centers if you happen to be a very wealthy psychotic (or happen to have nice funding from the government for it).

In general, you'll just want to Google that kind of thing before putting it in your fic, just because sometimes, something closer to the real thing has a potential for being even more dramatic than what you think it is. For example, if Paul's in a jail-like rehab, then he has no interactions with people other than his therapist. Therefore, there's no one who might try to tap into his psyche and try to act like a normal human being. Moreover, there's no one to keep triggering him and making his attempt to heal a struggle. There's just nothing.

I spent most of my time trying to go over all of the things I'd done the past 5 years. I met a movie star. I saw a play. Saw hundreds of shrines. Went to Ecruteak, Goldenrod, Olivine, Blackthorn, Azalea, Mahogany, Violet City, and a few other places.

What's the importance of any of this?

Put it this way: Never put anything into your fic you don't intend on using later. That's the law of Chekov's gun, really. No gun will be put above the fireplace and shown to the reader at the beginning of a play unless that gun is going to be fired (or at least serve as comic relief as the character realizes in the middle of a fight that it is just decoration – thank you, Pirates of the Caribbean) by the end of it. Likewise, you don't mention details that have absolutely no bearing on the plot at hand unless you actually plan on having them be significant later on. That way, your reader won't be bogged down with trying to read through details that they won't need to remember later, and they won't have to pick out what may or may not be important.

"Tell me what you did this with."

"Seriously, are you animatronic or something?"

"I think we've learned a lot today."

*raises hand* Reader who has actually gone to some form of therapy would like to know the same thing. Seriously, if you're going to write an angst fic about a character who undergoes a psychological metamorphosis that you want us to take seriously, at least try not to make all of the adults apathetic and unprofessional towards the main character. Therapists especially would not just blow off a patient by sending them through a series of questions because that's a really good way to get your license revoked (if you're not just simply fired for being completely and utterly incompetent beyond all hope). They will take time with you, and they will ask you millions of questions about your answers. If there's anything at all that would cause a character to get pissed off with a therapist, it'd probably be from asking too many questions or questions about all the wrong subjects, not from getting sent through a series of rehearsed questions and not actually caring about the answers.

"He's has to say the same things to everybody, that way we won't have any liabilities if he got somebody angry. Other than those questions, he can't ask anybody about their personal life. Sorry about that."

What?

No, seriously, what? O_o Therapy is all about personal questions. In fact, if, by the first session, you haven't told your therapist anything about you, you're probably:

A. Doing it wrong.
B. With a terrible therapist. And I mean how-did-this-guy-get-licensed terrible.
C. Will Hunting.

I never really asked myself that before. My entire Teenage life I've been living alone, trying to find love when I don't even know how to give it. For my entire childhood the only way anybody's ever expressed love to me was through cursing, and purposely missing my head when they were trying to hit me.

...Please don't tell me he's just now realized that he equates love to abuse.

Furthermore, abusers probably wouldn't magically turn around and decide to be nice to the people or Pokémon they abused. They're sadists – people who enjoy hurting others for one reason or another. It's like an addiction, only the people who do the abusing usually think that what they're doing is either perfectly justified or not abuse.

Beyond that, if you have something wrong with your brain, it takes a really, really long time to fix your problem. A lot of the time – especially in severe cases like Paul's – you do need therapy with a competent therapist in order to heal. Sometimes, you never heal at all, ever. (Dawn in the anime's actually a nice example of this, which is why I like her so much. She used to be teased constantly by people in her class, so years later, she's extremely self-conscious about everything from her appearance to her performances in contests to her nicknames. In any case, yeah, even in the anime, sometimes, you just have people who haven't really been able to get back on their feet and be completely healthy.)

"You are free to go, just please keep out of trouble." The Judge said after I payed the bail.

First off, paid. "Payed" is actually archaic – as in, it would have been correct if you used it a couple hundred years ago, no snark intended.

Second, how did he pay the bail if he was stuck in a place where he couldn't work? O_o Bail's actually pretty expensive, no matter what your crime is. At least, it is for a teenager.

Third, you don't pay bail to get released from a rehab facility anyway. You get discharged the way you would in a hospital, and you do that by basically proving to them that you're ready to head on out into the real world (or a sort of step-down facility... which for someone who had problems with abuse, I'd imagine he'd have to go through).

I mostly was in the general area of Ecruteak. I would walk in parks. I would go back to the Pond alot. I was very sober and tried to keep to myself. I almost wished not to see him. I was afraid I would hurt him again.

Starting sentences with the same word over and over again tends to give your narration a choppy feel, like you're starting and stopping constantly. While this may have been your intention, it might just be better for you to play around with different ways to begin each sentence to actually make this paragraph flow from one idea to another because choppy narration is really only used to emphasize things like suspense.

I clocked out of work one day and decided to go to the Grocery Store. I needed to get some meats and cheeses. It felt good to know I was supporting myself. The streets were crowded with rush hour. I lost my bike and instead walked. Ecruteak was a big city after a few major corporations moved there. I loved how you could see some of the old wooden buildings next to the looming steel skyscrapers.

In general, it just feels like he was lobotomized because you keep using simple sentences that come pretty much out of nowhere. For example, you mention his bike in between a sentence describing the streets and one about describing Ecruteak itself. It feels out-of-place and a fairly simple statement, while the ones around it are trying to show his mind focusing on the scenery around him and not his bike.

"TOTO!!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. Most people stopped taking interest.

He's in the Pokémon world, picking up a Pokémon that clearly doesn't want to be with him and is voicing its distress through flailing and screaming, and no one cares? I'm just having a bit of difficulty believing this because this is a lot like trying to go up to a child, picking it up, and having it scream that you're a kidnapper. Most likely, someone's going to tackle you if you try to do that unless everyone in the world except Paul is incapable of having any sort of compassion whatsoever.

"Toto...."

And it obeys him? O_o

I could tell he didn't believe me,

You do this a lot. Basically, you say "I could tell (insert something here)," but you don't actually show the reader what about the other character makes Paul think that. You don't show us the look of disbelief on Totodile's face, you don't show us Totodile struggling after that point... you don't really do anything about that. As a result, it's really difficult to imagine what's going on because, well, there's really nothing here.

"Totodile!" He happily said as he picked up the fish and chomped on it.

While it's not unheard of for abuse victims to go back to the people who abused them, I'm just finding it a little hard to believe that Totodile just did with no questions asked and no uncomfortable feelings, especially after all that beating he endured.

"Fine. But I get to come to make sure you don't hurt him. I've got a cell phone so one wrong move and SNAP!!"

While I know this is the Pokémon world and is therefore full of trusting people, it's a little weird that Emily is seems decently okay with the fact that Paul did bad things to Totodile and completely okay with the idea that he wants Totodile back. On top of everything else, Totodile was Emily's starter, wasn't he? Why is she okay with giving up the first Pokémon she's ever had?



Overall, let's start with the good points.

The first good point is I can see you were trying with the concept. You wanted to explore pretty serious issues, and as cliché as I personally think it is, how a character heals from abuse is, by default, heartwarming. Moreover, who can't like a good psychological metamorphosis, and the ending wasn't too bad. I like stories that involve characters who just want to find a place where they belong and be happy, and that scene with Totodile going back to his family was a good note to end on.

However, let's talk about a few bad points:

1. Proofreading. You really need to do this, and you need to work with someone who knows what they're doing, not just anyone who supports you as a writer. Go to the Beta Thread in the Writer's Lounge subforum and get in contact with anyone who says they're open. You had a lot of mistakes all over the place concerning homophones, capitals, commas... even periods. This shows me that you need to take your time and really work on not just shaping the story itself but also post-production and pre-publishing work. A beta reader (a person who will objectively read through your work and give you honest, blunt feedback on what you're doing as well as advice on how to improve) will help you sort out those details as well, and they can at least help you avoid weird things like "smut happiness."

To help you out for at least one of those, use this guide to learn about when to use commas (and when not to use them).

2. Research. There's an old saying that goes, "Write about what you know." Basically, what that means is that you don't want to write about something you haven't at least researched because it comes off as, well, hard to swallow and take seriously. For example, as you can tell, I found the therapist scene a little offensive, not because it's a sensitive topic but instead because, as someone who both knows people who have openly talked about going to therapy and as someone who has had to sit in a nice office and talk all about my own problems, it just came off as downright ridiculous because it was just about as far from actual therapy as you can possibly get. There were, of course, other points where it's apparent you didn't actually look much up, such as how posting bail works (which literally took me two minutes to Google) or even what Pokémon live around Violet City (including the fact that there's no swamp Pokémon there... because there's no swamp).

Basically, I'm not saying you need to spend hours upon hours doing research. I'm just saying that you missed a lot of opportunities to make this fic powerful and serious because you didn't seem to put much effort into getting things straight. (Like I said, the entire rehab part of the fic could have been made even more dramatic if you actually looked up how rehabs work instead of having Paul just figure things out for himself. It's like he didn't even actually need to be in rehab because he could have just had his license and Totodile taken away to reach the same effect. If anything, all of the rehab scenes just made the fic unintentionally comical because you made everyone except Paul in it extremely incompetent.)

3. Characterization. It was a bit hard to get into. Not going to lie on that part. Paul spent a lot of time angsting, his backstory is one of the standard angsty pasts, he doesn't seem to have any challenges except the internal struggle, and he seems to heal himself pretty quickly. It just doesn't feel like much of a journey. It feels like ten pages of angst and three where he tries to be a decent person. You even have the epiphany take place in under a page, rather than stretched out to show us how he interacts with other people to learn how not to be an abusive jerk.

The other characters, meanwhile, were sort of flat. Most of the professionals were incompetent. Totodile felt like he had an on-off switch, with the "on" and "off" being "panic" and "trusting and happy" with nothing in between. Emily seemed completely okay giving Totodile to a stranger who admitted he abused the alligator at one point. There were other side characters brought up, but you usually did it in a sentence without going back to them. I guess my point is that there's just not much to say here.

Oh, speaking of random characters...

4. Information. There were a lot of times when you brought up facts that had absolutely no bearing on the plot of the fic. You can tell by going back up through this review and watching me flail hilariously because I think I pointed everything out. Moreover, there were also times when you brought up pieces of information that do have some kind of bearing on the story, but they're just out of flipping nowhere. (I also mention this, so I won't go back to it too much.) Both can really just be solved by reading your fic carefully and taking out or moving parts that seem out of place or unnecessary. Again, a beta reader will help you do this as well.

In short, you have an okay concept. Who doesn't like character building fics? The problem, however, is that you need to spend more time fleshing it out and working out all the errors before this can be as poignant as the concept wants it to be.

If I sound at all biting, I apologize. Don't take any of this personally. Part of it stems from the fact that I'm disappointed. Probably irrationally so, but yeah. I mean, you do have the potential to be a better writer, but your other reviewers seem keen on not helping you become one by failing to point out the parts that you definitely have the capability of improving. Basically, what I'm saying is that of course you're not perfect. I'm certainly not, and I've yet to find an author who is. However, there's a lot of things that I can tell from your writing that you need to learn, but they're very easy lessons that you really can pick up on quickly if someone would actually tell you which ones to learn. Seriously, you look like a smart kid. I have no doubt you'll pick up on what I'm trying to tell you, and you're young, meaning the entire research thing and lack of details is okay so long as you learn how to start looking into things from here on out. (Hell, you should see some of the angsty crap I used to write. Everyone goes through an angst period, I think. Or everyone in fanfiction, at least.) It's just... no. No, fellow reviewers. Don't post single lines of praise. That doesn't help. *facepalm*

 

[Akustar]

Well, now that I feel pretty bad about what was clearly a one-line psuedo-review after being suitably shamed by Val, I'll try to point out more specific stuff I didn't like. Obviously, I liked the fic as a whole, but there was a few stuff I didn't like.

1. I found the Pokemon dialogue a bit off-setting. The "TOTO's" and "DILES" were good to illustrate the point the first few times, but it's hard to discern a Pokemon's personality just through dialogue involving their name, because you can't do much to it (other than capitalizing it). I would have honestly liked to seen more description of their chants, but I guess it's not hugely hurting since you clearly went through Toto's personality in the prequel. Still a little off-setting though.

2. I was honestly expecting for you to refer back to the guy who handed Paul his trainer card. I thought it was strange when I read it, but I was expecting it to be answered fairly well by the end of the story. It wasn't. I barely remember it by the end, but I still think the fact that it went unresolved was strange. It seemed to me that the old man just acted like a plot device to turn Paul into a trainer...somehow.

3. Spell check isn't perfect. For a lot of words, if you misspell them, you'll end up spelling another word (correctly), so it won't actually register. I read a few sentences that I thought were a bit strange, but that was because one of the words was probably meant to be something else. You could try to read it out loud if proofreading isn't working for you, because it forces you to enunciate every single word.

4. Also, I'll try to find a few grammar errors that Val didn't talk about. I'm totally awful at explaining grammar because I've never actually taken a grammar course (ouch), but I'll try.

I was sentenced to Rehabilitation. In other words a prison for crazy people.

Most of the times, when you get those flavor preambles to sentences (no clue what they're called), you should link them into the main idea with commas because you're kinda shifting the flow of the sentence.

I learned more about myself inside the cell then I did in therapy.

I confuse then and than a lot too, but when you're comparing two things, you should definitely use than. In fact, if you restrict then to things involving time (and relative date of occurrence), you'll generally be fine.

"He's has to say the same things to everybody, that way we won't have any liabilities if he got somebody angry."

Ok, I know its dialogue and grammatically incorrect dialogue is far more common IRL than grammatically correct dialogue, but I'm pretty sure "He's has to say" is a typo.

I never really asked myself that before. My entire Teenage life I've been living alone, trying to find love when I don't even know how to give it.

Teen is capitalized a lot of times its used because they often stick it as part of a name for something (like the Teen Help Hotline). But Teenager in itself is generally not a proper noun, and shouldn't be capitalized.

I would go back to the Pond alot.

I remember getting chastised for this once by a teacher. A lot is often spoken as if it is one word, but it's actually two words.

I mostly was in the general area of Ecruteak

Only a real minor grammar thing, and I'm not really sure why it sounds awkward, but putting mostly before was just sounds really awkward. I don't think you're supposed to do that, but I'd get a second opinion about it though since I'm clearly not reliable regarding this.

5. I think the therapist thing could have been worked better. It could increase sympathy for Paul and stuff if the therapist's inaction just made Paul spiral deeper into...unhappiness. But to have Paul make a huge recovery right after the therapist did nothing is kind of strange.

 

[ChrisTom]

Ok. I realize alot of people have criticisim, and honestly I'm ok with that. I don't enjoy editing my posts after critiscisim, but I EXTREMELY thank you JX Valentine, for not using another one-liner. It means alot that you took the time to look through at all of the Grammatical errors (I'm sure there are even more), now I understand most of your complaints about the Characters being very flat as well as lack of plot in specific spots. What is that called... uh, Plot holes? Anyway's I appreciate this but there are some things I wanted to mention...

1. As for "My main sport was dodging beer bottles" Yes, I know it is the most cliche topic in the world, but honestly it was the only thing I could think of. I tried to crank this Fanfic out in 3 hours because of the sudden response to it's Prequel.

2. "I walked to the giant swamp near the tower" The thing with this is that I like to think of the maps in Pokemon, to be very VERY small versions of what the Pokemon world is really like. I mean we both know that real cities don't have 3 buildings. So I asked myself once, "Where do Totodiles come from?" We are never told in the games, so I like to think that they come from a swamp west of Sprout Tower. Yes, I know it sounds stupid, but that's what I thought.

3. " I angrily threw the Pokeball at him, and he had a look of complete fear as he was swept in." Yes it does seem a bit odd that he would walk away from his family (and I completely agree with your comment about why Totodile's Mom didn't just eat Paul), but if you read the prequel you would know that Totodile had a Cat-like curiosity and playfullness before he was caught. That was why he was so easily caught by Paul. He had never seen a human before and wanted to take a peek.

4. "A woman in her 40's and a heavy set Man were the ones who caught my eye." The reason these characters are significant is because the heavyset man was the Police Officer. Meanwhile the Woman makes a large appearance in the Prequel.

5. "Fine. But I get to come to make sure you don't hurt him. I've got a cell phone so one wrong move and SNAP!!" I understand your confusion on this, but she wasn't giving Totodile away. She was letting Paul repay deed he did. She had no idea that Totodile was going to escape. She was also very young, and when I made her character I thought of somebody so optimistic they were "dupable".


So I appreciate all of your criticism. As for the Therapist scene, I HAVE been to several therapists before (And I know somebody's making a joke about that right now...), and that's the way I've personally felt about them. They seemed extremely bureacratic and impersonal. If you'd like to know what it was for, to be completely frank it was for my Aspergers Syndrome (mild Autism). To be completely honest I'm not embarrassed about it (in fact I'm a bit proud) mainly because they believe Satoshi Tajiri has it. Anyways off topic. I appreciate all of your critisicm, and hope to use your advice soon!


With all regards,

-ChrisTom

 

[Sydian]

I don't know if anyone else addressed this, but the font was an eye bleeder. Back when I wrote a lot, we left the font alone unless it was being italicized/bolded for emphasis. Making it bigger and changing sizes, color, etc. just makes it harder to read.

As for the story, I was really gonna say what JX said, especially that therapist part. I feel the same as her. I felt a bit offended...because that's really not how it happens. It just...no.

That's it for me, though. Everything else that needed to be said has been said.

1. As for "My main sport was dodging beer bottles" Yes, I know it is the most cliche topic in the world, but honestly it was the only thing I could think of. I tried to crank this Fanfic out in 3 hours because of the sudden response to it's Prequel.

I think all writers can take a lesson from this. Never be rushed to do something unless it's a report for school that's due tomorrow. No one is forcing you to write a sequel, so just take your time with it. Taking more time has better results anyway.

 

[JX Valentine]

You're very welcome. I'm glad you took it so well, and I wish you luck with future work.

To respond to the points you brought up, a couple of clarifications:

1. As for "My main sport was dodging beer bottles" Yes, I know it is the most cliche topic in the world, but honestly it was the only thing I could think of. I tried to crank this Fanfic out in 3 hours because of the sudden response to it's Prequel.

I'll have to agree with Sydian. Never rush your work, even if there's a large demand. Quality > everything else, and as you can probably see, your sequel didn't quite get the same response as its prequel. Take your time and make sure everything's all right. It's okay to even take a few days, a couple of weeks, or even a month to come up with a follow-up or a new chapter. I know from experience that as much as my readers want me to come out with a new chapter for my own fic right away, it takes time to get things done, and they're perfectly okay with waiting so long as it doesn't take me a year to write five pages. (Some people were even waiting a year for the next chapter of one of my old fics until I officially announced that I was going to discontinue it.)

Self-congratulations aside, don't ever feel you need to churn out a fic in a few hours just because another installment in the series was well-received. That's actually an incredibly risky idea because it means you're more likely to have problems all over the place. That and churning out fics on demand just sounds like you're setting yourself up for making this less about having fun and developing your skills as a writer and more about work for other people. Relax. No need to push yourself.

2. "I walked to the giant swamp near the tower" The thing with this is that I like to think of the maps in Pokemon, to be very VERY small versions of what the Pokemon world is really like. I mean we both know that real cities don't have 3 buildings. So I asked myself once, "Where do Totodiles come from?" We are never told in the games, so I like to think that they come from a swamp west of Sprout Tower. Yes, I know it sounds stupid, but that's what I thought.

While we both know that the games' areas are small and not particularly detailed, remember also what kinds of locations each region is. Sinnoh is wet all over the place, so it has a swamp. Johto, meanwhile, has seas, but it's mostly land-based -- meaning it's more consumed by mountains and forests and isn't the ideal place for a bog. (It seems a lot like northeastern US, I'd say.) Moreover, there's other canon that expands on what's in each region. The anime, for example, shows a lot of the area surrounding Violet, and while it's plausible to have a lake there, it's not really plausible to have an expansive swamp.

Moreover, with Totodile and where it comes from, remember also that crocodiles can also inhabit rivers and lakes -- not just swamps -- and that Ash caught his own Totodile in a river. So, yeah, it's perfectly possible to feature a Totodile family living in the lake that the game canon's already giving you.

3. " I angrily threw the Pokeball at him, and he had a look of complete fear as he was swept in." Yes it does seem a bit odd that he would walk away from his family (and I completely agree with your comment about why Totodile's Mom didn't just eat Paul), but if you read the prequel you would know that Totodile had a Cat-like curiosity and playfullness before he was caught.

Actually, I read the prequel, and that was one of the problems I had with it, too. While I can understand that it was curious, it just seems to exercise no caution whatsoever with approaching Paul. It just popped out of the bushes without even looking. I'm not sure if it's just too young/naive to have learned basic survival skills or if you could have gone into more description with Totodile's curiosity there.

4. "A woman in her 40's and a heavy set Man were the ones who caught my eye." The reason these characters are significant is because the heavyset man was the Police Officer. Meanwhile the Woman makes a large appearance in the Prequel.

To be a bit clearer, I was saying that you made no indication that these people were connected to those people because you didn't describe them and didn't actually linger on what caught Paul's attention. You didn't even really make a note that Paul recognized the officer as the same heavyset man he saw earlier in the center. (That last part especially, after hearing your confirmation that the heavyset man was the officer, strikes me as weird.) It was pretty much just one sentence that came out of nowhere and wasn't referenced later when it actually should have been.

In other words, it was a suggestion to work on description. I mean, I had a feeling that the heavyset man was the same as the officer because they're both in the same fic, but for all I knew, it could have been the therapist, the guard Paul talked to after the session, or someone else. The woman in her 40's... that description could have just as easily applied to an older Nurse Joy. There's not really anything there that helps us picture who these people are, and there's not much that draws our attention and forces us to keep them in mind because they'll be important later (or, in the woman's case, earlier). Not only that, but since there were other details that popped up in your fic but actually had not much bearing on the plot, it was hard to tell whether or not this line would actually be important later or if you were just describing people in the center to show us that it wasn't empty.

As for the Therapist scene, I HAVE been to several therapists before (And I know somebody's making a joke about that right now...), and that's the way I've personally felt about them. They seemed extremely bureacratic and impersonal.

Going along with what Sydian said, I'm a little curious about your therapist. O_o

 

[ChrisTom]

Well I want to say once more, that I thoroughly appreciate your critisicim, because it is nice when it is constructive. I enjoy how you were frank about the problems. It's people like you who are helpful, "Guardian Angels" who try and teach and protect. The only person I can think to compare to is Carla from Scrubs. So I would like you as an editor as well. Your sense of logic and helpfullness is much appreciated and dually noted.

With all regards,

-ChrisTom

 

[Porygon-Z]

This was really touching and compelling!

A wonderful piece, well written!

 

[ChrisTom]

Thank you for that magnificent one-liner. I'm currently trying to write a new Fanfic, and I hope many of you will enjoy it.