[Pokémon] Freedom Fighters

[DarkIceForever]

I decided to switch up my writing style a bit. Also I might not finish up my 1st fan fiction. It's not that I think it's no good, but I could have put together a better story. This was originally going to be a one-shot, But to be honest, I'm blindly jumping into this story. Criticism is always welcomed.


Rated 17+ because of
-Blood
- Mild Gore
-Sexual Themes
-Violence
-Drugs and Alcohol
-Language
-Mild Nudity



The story...

The world has never been the same since Team Rocket overtook the world with their armies of pokemon. They destoried cities and ruined lives. It was a truly gruesome conquest that ended in bloodshed for people and Pokemon. This is not a story of a group of people trying to reclaim the world, it is a group of people who just try to survive anyway they can. Far from the control of Team Rocket.




Freedom Fighters

Chapter 00: A Mysterious Rant

It's not that I'm sitting here waiting for my death. It's just I could be tired of it all. I don't understand what the underline cause of my sorrow is. I pushed away my friends and family, and in doing so it only made me even angrier and sadder. That just drives crazy, it drives me insane! Maybe, I just hate them. I don't seem to seek pleasure in what they do. It's just not fun for me. It's like I have different moral values than them. Most of what they think is right I think it is wrong and vice versa.


My feelings for Pokemon are the exact way. I hate them, I hate Pokemon and everything about them. They just seem to drive me nuts whenever I think of them. I'm searching for a better world, a world without Pokemon, but there they are. In encapsulated balls, in the wilderness, in my home, everywhere you look! There are Pokemon just about in every got damn corner in this globe!


Ha ha! Maybe I am a madman, a psychopath in your eyes. But, I take no interest in killing Pokemon for my own personal satisfaction. I do it to help create a world and rid these demons and there godless powers. How foolish and blind people are to believe a Pokemon created all matter. Twenty years ago, a organization of bandits, thieves, narcissist, whatever you wish to call them took control over our world with these demonic creatures. Granted with the resources I have been given, I still try to vanish them and their army of demons. But I am not alone. There is a resistance movement trying to break free of this damned world. They call themselves the Freedom Fighters, but they too use the demonic creatures in order to create a free world. Only time could tell were this will lead. So for now 'll just keep sitting here, pondering.


-----
Chapter 01: Dusk to Dust



"Mia!" A man rushed through the charred streets. The sky was black with a distinct red glow to it, like if the sun's last rays were about to disappear from the sky. The city streets were decimated. With rumble and ash laying all around of what was once a great city. He collapsed in front of a standing brick building and found a young blonde woman laying in a pool of blood on the building steps. On his knees, in front of the corpse he tearfully held on to her arm. He was distraught to find his love dead. The future he dreamed now lay in a pool of blood, along with the only woman he would ever love. He never got the chance to reveal his affection for her.


"How touching,"said a mysterious raspy voice from behind him. The man stood over his dead love and faced the voice behind him. It was a man outfitted in a silver uniform with a black and red dog beside him. He was of medium size stature compared to him. There were horns sticking out of the dog's head, with vicious teeth to accompany its nerving growl.
"You bastard! How could you!?"
"What!? It's not like you liked her or anything."
"Why did you kill her! Why did you kill Mia!"
"Jeez, you don't have to be so loud."


The man standing over the dead woman took out a small dagger from the back of his hip and pointed it at the growling dog and the silver man standing beside him. He knows full well that discussing with the silver man is pointless. Only actions will be able to resolve his hatred towards him.
"Hehehe come now, do you really think you're going to kill me? I mean even with my Houndoom standing right next to me? It'll tear you to shreds." The man's eyes became hostile as he started and finished his last sentence.


The man hesitated to jump and attack. He was extremely nervous at the Pokemon's presence. It growled at him with such a livid furiousity, ready to attack at any moments notice. The silver outfitted man glanced at the yellow piece of string dangling from the man's left fist. He seemed surprised and a bit overwhelmed to see that color on him.

"So, tell me did you kill a Freedom dog for that ribbon, or are you part of them?"
"..Yes..."
"Well, wait! What?"
"I am a Freedom Fighter."
"Ha! How pathetic. Out of everyone, I though you were the roughest operative around here. I wouldn't believe you would stoop down to the rat's level. Oh well you know the orders. Kill a freedom fighter on sight!"


Houndoom jumped on the man without an order and brought him down, dropping the dagger in the process. The Houndoom stood over his fallen body and snarled at his face. The man has never been so frightened in his life. He was scared stiff, his body failed to do anything. His tears began flowing down from his eyes, he couldn't believe his death was going to approach so soon and at the hands of his old buddy.


"He he, to be honest the reason I killed Mia is because she didn't want to lie there and take it."
The laying man's eyes sudden focused from the vicious growling Pokemon to the man in the silver outfit. He couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth. His attention was more focused on him than the Houndoom standing on his chest.

"She was just so soft, and her hair was so golden. I...I just couldn't resist myself anymore! She drove me nuts Galen! Oh well, I guess there are other pretty women like her out there in our world. Any last requests before I have Houndoom tear your face to shreds?"

 

[psyanic]

Abandoning your other one, huh? Anyway, this one doesn't really seem like a one-shot. I'll warn you right now, when you just dive into a story, you could get into some twisted paths. Your story could seriously deviate from what you vaguely imagined it to be.

On the term of the story, you have giant spacing between paragraphs. And on the contrary, you have no spacing between your dialogue. It should just be one space between paragraphs, and yes dialogue counts as a paragraph. It looked kinda messy to be honest.

For your prologue, I noticed you used the word "just" a lot. It's not wrong to do that, but when you use it in some instances, it comes out a bit awkward and almost too wordy. For example:

That just drives crazy, it drives me insane!

Kind of weird to use just here and then give another adjective. And crazy and insane are basically the same (go with it), so it's unnecessarily repetitive.

I hate them, I hate Pokemon and everything about them.

The comma in this sentence should be a semi-colon. This is because the two clauses are independent and this would classify as a comma splice.

Twenty years ago, a organization of bandits, thieves, narcissist, whatever you wish to call them took control over our world with these demonic creatures.

The bolded text should be changed to "narcissists" because of the other nouns in the list are plural, so it should follow the trend.

Only time could tell were this will lead. So for now 'll just keep sitting here, pondering.

The first bolded should be "will" because time hasn't told us what happened as of yet. Could means having the ability to tell. The second bolded is "where" because that word signifies the question of a location. As for the last one, I think you just missed the "I" in "I'll".

The prologue was interesting. It gave the motive of whoever the narrator in that sequence is. And it gives a short description about Freedom Fighters. Though I'm kind of curious as to why people hate Pokemon so much. In their world, Pokemon are basically animals. So in our world, they'd be the equivalents of animal haters. Or, PETA's rivals.

He collapsed in front of a standing brick building and found a young blonde woman laying in a pool of blood on the building steps. On his knees, in front of the corpse he tearfully held on to her arm.

You could take out the standing. I kind of thought it was implied it was standing if he collapsed in front of it. For the second part, you should have said "He kneeled in front of the corpse". It takes out the wordiness.

He was distraught to find his love dead. The future he dreamed now lay in a pool of blood, along with the only woman he would ever love. He never got the chance to reveal his affection for her.

His lover died. She's just lying on the ground. I mean, wouldn't you convey some more emotions? I don't know, maybe a couple tears, hysterical weeping, the works and all. Convey the emotions to the readers.

"How touching,"said a mysterious raspy voice from behind him.

A space is needed after the ending quotation marks. Also, for "mysterious raspy" it needs a comma in the middle. Mysterious modifies "voice" and not raspy, so a comma would be needed to clarify that.

It growled at him with such a livid furiousity, ready to attack at any moments notice.

"Furiousity" is not a word. I think "ferociousness" or "ferocity" would be suitable substitutes. Also, it should be changed to "moment's" because voice is in possession of moment.

The cynical man has weird bits of dialogue in my opinion. He doesn't seem to be fully anything. At times, he seems very dark and a typical villan. At other times, he sounds childish or immature. Like for the parts when he doesn't know what the other man is talking about, he seems clueless and ignorant. Sure, it could have been he just couldn't hear well but his reactions amount to something. I think that man is part of Team Rocket, right?

I haven't heard of a concept like this. It's interesting and I'll check up on it for sure. Just remember to proofread your story and all!

 

[DarkIceForever]

Yeah thanks for your help! I'm pretty clueless! Lol..Sadily I'm not going to continue this story. I'm really lacking if I made a bunch of errors. I thought It was as perfect as can be. Thanks for catching my mistakes it only makes me a better writer!


I like the concept as well and I'm probably going to rewrite the whole concept in another story and give it a 100% shot. The whole thought of people killing pokemon because they hate them. I don't know how to make it work right now; especially in the emotional department, were I wanted to put more detail.


I hope you take a peek at my next project! I promise to not half ass it next time!

Since I'm not going to continue it I should fill you in on the details I came up for this. The dude in the first chapter goes around killing pokemon because his parents perfered helping pokemon more than watching out for him. (In his mind anyway) His parents were pokemon doctors who treated a lot of pokemon during the war of conquest waged by Team Rocket.


So they couldn't find much time for him, even if they wanted too. The bodies were just stacking up and they were needed! In the end he watched Team Rocket kill his parents and they took over the globe. So now he goes around the region killing pokemon from both sides. Team Rocket nicknamed him the "Dark Reaper". They're trying to catch him and there is like a million dollar bounty on his head. So in sense he is a wanted fugitive.


Gallen ( dude in chaper 01) is a Team Rocket grunt turned survialist. He hates Team Rocket for what they do. Since they run an unfair post- apocalyptic society. They go around killing,bullying, raping, and stealing from the citizens. So he intended to run away with his girlfriend Mia, but as you see. Gallen's old Team rocket buddy tried to rape her and ended up killing her because he struggled with her.


He has no pokemon, but befriends an Electivire later. He joins up with the survialists called Freedom Fighters and somehow he and Dark Reaper team up to take down Team Rocket's societies. Gallen dies, and Dark Reaper grows to love pokemon and regrets what he has done in the past all thanks to Gallen. I'm not sure what I would have named Dark Reaper, probably Bill or something.

But, like I said I have no intention of continuing so hopefully that gave some closure. T_T