Gaiden Trainer

Pete

<>PAWN CONTROL 1.0<>
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    ~Prologue~

    The hill rose up high above the city. One trainer stood on the edge, looking down. Satisfied, he began the descent. A few steps down, he pulled apokeball off his belt and tossed it into the air. "Skar, Skarmory!" cawled the Skarmory emerging in a flash of white light. "Skarmory, fly down there," he said as he climbed onto the steel bird's back. While in the air the Skarmory screeched. "Yeah, I'd rather search for rare stones too," said the trainer warmly, "But we've a promise to keep, right?"
    "Skar, Mory, Skarmory," agreed the Skarmory. They landed, the trainer returned Skarmory and walked into the city.

    There were lots of houses, but they were all dominated by the massive red stadium. The trainer walked in and registered details and such at the front desk. Five minutes later, he was stood in the middle of a massive arena. Four trainers stood in front of him. Two woman and two men. One man came forward.
    "Who are you?" he asked.
    "My name is Steven," replied the trainer.
    "Well then, mine is Sidney," concluded the man.
    Steven commanded Skarmory as it burst out of its ball. "Let's get this started," he growled.
    "Okay, then you're on!" laughed Sidney, as he sent out a Mightyena. A computerized voice beeped out. "One Vs One match," it said in monotone. A bell rang. Skarmory darted foward in the air, and attempted a Steel Wing. Mightyena dodged and bit down on Skarmory's wing. Skarmory pulled away and Steel Winged again, this time hitting Mightyena. Mightyena was panting now, but it attempted another Bite. Skarmory dodged and used Gust, finishing it off. "Looks like you win this one," he said angrily. He stomped back and a woman came out this time. She introduced herself as Phoebe and sent out a Dusclops. Steven sent forward Skarmory. It used Tackle, but the attack went straight through. Dusclops used Shadow Ball, but Skarmory just shrugged it off. It used Steel Wing and brought down the Dusclops. Skarmory flew down to it, looked down and used a Water Pulse. The Dusclops fainted and Phoebe congratualted him. She went back and another woman came out. She called herself Glacia and sent out a Glalie. Steven cursed and sent out a Metang. It used Metal Claw, hurting the Glalie, but the Glalie fired an Ice Beam back. It froze the Metang and charged up for a super powerful Ice Beam. Only Steven noticed the small cracks in the ice. Glalie released the Ice Beam and it sped towards the frozen Metang. However the ice started glowing and Glacia gasped. The Ice Beam fizzled out as ice sped everywhere. The block had shattered. Metang had evolved into Metagross! Metagross used Psychic, stopping the Glalie. It then used Meteor mash, instantly fainting the Glalie. Steven wiped his brow and Glacia moved back. The second man, an old seaman who named himself as Drake stepped foward. He sent out a Salamence and it flew around. Metagross still fought on and survived many fire attacks from Salamence, despite being weak to them. Metagross then retaliated. He used Psychic, then Meteor Mash again, before finishing off the Salamence with Metal Claw. Drake bowed and the four parted to reveal the last trainer, the Champion....

    "You!" gasped Steven as he saw the Champion. A man stood in front of him. He was wearing jet black and smirking. "Yes, its me, who else?" replied the man jokily.
    "Red defeated you!" said Steven angrily.
    "What!? You think the mighty Giovanni stays down?" retorted the man, now infuriated.
    "You will now!" yelled Steven and as he saw the sign for a double battle, sent out a Cradily and an Armaldo. Giovanni sent out a Nidoking and a Nidoqueen. Cradily attacked first, with a Giga Drain to Nidoking. It hurt it, however Nidoqueen quickly used Helping Hand and they attacked. Armaldo jumped in front of Cradily to take the hit and quickly used Slash on Nidoqueen. Nidoking then used horn attack on Cradily. It slumped, then used Giga Drain on Nidoqueen. She fainted and Armaldo quickly seized the oppotunity. It slashed fainting Nidoking. Giovanni scowled and fled with his pokemon.
    Drake was the first to move. "Steven," he said, "You are the new pokemon champion of Hoenn...."

    Hope you like it:)
     
    It's very good to see that there are new authors who are joining PC's pokemon fanfic forum, so a warm welcome first of all ^^ (psst, come to the fanfic lounge if you got the free time)

    For starters in terms of improvement, I'll recommand you to first read the Pokemon Fanfiction Writing Guide that is sticky in the forum. It listed a lot of common mistakes in fanfic writing that this story also suffers. Reading that sticky thread should be able to clear a lot of the problems in this story.
     
    Thanks. I have it in a window next to me, ready for help

    Here's chapter 1

    ~Chapter One-Hatcher~

    The bitter rain pounded down. A twelve year old kid was putting odd stones into a case. There were split rubies, powder emeralds, broken sapphires, but his favourite wasn't there. There were no Iron Shards. He sighed. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. The boy ran to get it. A completely soaked man walked in.
    "Dad, you're back!" exclaimed the boy.
    "Don't worry, I'm okay," he said as the boy noticed his condition. He was pale and ragged all over, he looked like a jumbled Ditto."Here," he continued, "I got you a present."
    The boy looked at the gift. It was a pokemon egg. "Aaagh!" he shrieked and stepped backward, "Dad, get it away!"
    The reason the boy hated Pokemon was because three years ago his mother was killed by an unknown pokemon, later recognized as a Houndoom. From then on, the boy hated all Pokemon. Suddenly as his father put the egg by the fire, it started moving and cracking. The boy, even though he had an animal-esque loathing of pokemon, ran towards the fire to take care of it. A small metal wing came out of the egg, then another wing, then two legs, a body and finally a head. The pokemon was upside down. "Skarmory!" it cawled.
    "Wow,its a male," said the boy's father.
    The boy felt no compassion anymore. He turned away...

    A week later, when no-one was around, the boy went outside. His father had been taking care of the Skarmory. As he walked down the quaint streets of Rustboro, three kids came up to him.
    "Hey, he has cash!" yelled one of them.
    "Get 'im!" yelled another. They all started beating up the boy. Suddenly a loud screech was heard. The boys turned around. The Skarmory was standing there at the top of the street. Sunlight reflected off it, blinding the boys. It flew along the street and tackled one of the boys. He crashed backwards withan "OOOF!" Skarmory now turned. It beat its wings creating a Gust. The boys picked up their fallen teamate and high-tailed it out of there. The boy, for the first time in five years, smiled at a pokemon.

    Two weeks later, he and Skarmory set off on a journey together. The boy's name was Steven Stone.
     


    You need to divide your text into paragraphs, it makes it neater looking and easier for the eye. The Prologue contains a lot of battling, my favourite part in Pokemon fan fictions, though I expected the prologue to do more of a background explanation to set up the story, instead of doing a lot of battling. Also the battles are kind of monotonic, you need to add description on what is going on.

    I really suggest you read the Writing Guide, it helped me with a lot of things and I'm more than sure that it would help you out as well.

     
    I've still got the Writing guide with me. OK here we go. By the way the new moves in here are just ones I made up.

    ~Chapter Two-Badge Master~

    Steven was usually lonely as a child. His pokephobia left him friendless and shadowed out. He tried to shrug it off, but it always got through somehow. However one day it all changed...

    Steven had been around most of western Hoenn in the short time he had left Rustboro. Now he was back, for a badge. He had never lost a battle. Skarmory constantly accompanied him in battle. But he had also caught pokemon. An Aron, in Granite Cave, and a Zigzagoon, near Petalburg City. His team was ready...

    "Hey Roxanne!" yelled a girl emerging from Trainer School to the one further in front, "Your sis has a challenger tonight, right?"
    "Yeah, but she'll win. She never loses," replied Roxanne smugly. Roxanne was the sister of the Rustboro gym leader. She enjoyed battling a lot and was top of her class at school. All the boys wanted to be with her, all the girls wanted to BE her. Her sister, Terri, was the gym leader.

    A couple hours passed. Roxanne did her homework, watched TV, had dinner and finally the clock struck seven. In two minutes Roxanne had run to the gym. Her sister was there, waiting . She waved down and saw the challenger. "Wow," she whispered dreamily. He was about thirteen, tallish, had silver hair and blue eyes. A ref came into the room as the gym's spectator seats filled up.
    "Challenger, state your name,"
    "Steven Stone," said the challenger. There were murmurs around the hall.
    The referree continued. "Steven Vs Terri. One Vs One pokemon battle. Begin!"

    "Go Skarmory!" commanded Steven. The steel bird, which had grown considirably, flew down.
    "Go, Rhyhorn!" yelled Terri. The pokemon started by circlind then Rhyhorn charged. Skarmory flew but Rhyhorn quickly used Mud Shot and Skarmory crashed down, bruised. "Ground attacks aren't sposed to hit flying pokemon!"
    "Little tactic of mine," commented Terri. Steven glared and looked down at Skarmory. It was standing. Rhyhorn once again attempted a Mud Shot. Skarmory was ready however, and dodged it. He created a Gust and then quickly used a movenot normally known by Skarmorys or any other pokemon for that matter. "Skarmory, use our special attack! Chrome Strike!" commanded Steven. Its body emitted a glow and a Silver force came from it and smashed the Rhyhorn down. It tried getting up. It was struggling to move towards Skarmory, but then it summoned up all its energy and charged. Skarmory, tired out, couldn't move. Suddenly it lost its balance and slid off to the side. The dust cloud faded. "Rhyhorn has fainted!" cried the referee, "Skarmory and Steven are the winners!"


    The crowd went wild as Terri handed Steven the badge. Roxanne clasped her hands to her mouth in disbelief. Steven looked up and saw her. In the split second that their eyes locked, Steven could sense all her emotions and vice versa. He thought she felt kind of..well...dizzy. He looked down at Skarmory. It was in perfect condition. Satisfied he left the gym, with the crowd left chanting behind...

    As he walked through the streets of Rustboro, Steven smiled. "I think I have a friend,"
     
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    First of all few points that are ought to be brought on the table. Some of them might be nitpicking, but still.

    - How does pokephobia make him friendless? In real world, even if you are afraid of snakes, your friends don't really care. This is nitpicking, but you still have to be logical, even though it's fiction.

    - Now, you mention that Steven had caught more Pokemon, why on earth you left that/those parts out? Catching Pokemon is one of the essential things in a Pokemon trainer fic.

    - Your battles are still too monotonic. Pokemon A attacks Pokemon B and Pokemon B retaliates with attack X. That type of battling is not interesting and will not attract readers. You seriously need to read the Writing Guide. Seriously, read it through properly.

    On a side note, your Skarmory has special attack, Chrome Strike, but we have no idea when/where/how/why he became able to use it.

    - You really need to watch out Gary Stuism with your main character and with Skarmory. Skarmory seems unbeatable, in the long run it is going to become boring. You need to have decent flaws in both the characters and the Pokemon to make them interesting.


    Rating: :pokeball:


    EDIT: After reading through the guide, I suggest that you try to find a beta-reader for you and work with him/her to try to enhance your fic.
     
    ~Chapter Three-Memories~

    PART ONE-The Zigzagoon with Zip -A week before the Rustboro Gym Battle
    It plodded through the grass, unaware of anything. Happy, yet longing, it was in a different world. It wasnted somthing NEW, something BOLD, something ADVENTUROUS. The Zigzagoon was about to get a surprise...

    Near Petalburg City, Steven was looking for a pokemon to catch. He was doing everything his father advised, so why couldn't he find anything? They all seemed to avoid him as if he had the Plague. All of a sudden he saw some movement. A large Zigzagoon moved straight in front of him, facing away. Steven sent out Skarmory. He ordered a gust, which got the Zigzagoon's attention. It faced him, snarled unnaturally and headbutted Skarmory. it crashed back into a tree. Steven saw that it had gotten up and ordered another Gust. It caught the Zigzagoon and dangled it in the air. Steven ordered a tackle, but the Zigzagoon dropped, landed and jumped up again in one smooth motion. It flipped and crashed down into Skarmory sending it carrering towards the ground. Steven got angry. He always got angry when people teased him because of his pokephobia. In Rustboro, it was a common trend that getting a pokemon made you 'cool'. Steven used to hate pokemon so he was often refered to as "Freako". Not any more though. A split second later, he became calm. "Skarmory, use Peck!" Skarmory sprang up and pecked fiercely at the Zigzagoon, stopping it. Steven quiclky drew his pokeball, lifted his leg up and threw it in a kick motion. It hit the Zigzagoon. A burst of red light came ought as the Zigzagoon was transformed into whiteness. It was sucked inside and the ball started moving. Finally it stopped. "All right!" cheered Steven as he retrieved the ball. He returned Skarmory and headed towards Petalburg...

    A sneak glimpse of...
    PART TWO-Aron of the Glare-Three days after PART ONE

    ---"Run!" yelled Nikel as the Aron colony chased after them. They were gaining and it was all too clear that they wouldn't escape as Steven tripped on a rock---

    ---"Chrome Strike. It's a powerful move for steel pokemon," explained Nikel helpfully, "Your Skarmory looks like it could learn it. Allow me to demonstrate."
    He sent out a Magneton. "Chrome Strike!" he yelled. Magneton glowed as a silvery blast came foward from its body.---

    ---"You've got to use Zigzagoon. Skarmory's exhausted, remember," said Nikel worringly.
    "Dang, he's right!" cursed Steven under his breath as he realized that the Aron in front of him was more than a match for his relatively untrained Zigzagoon...---

    COMING SOON(after half-term for anyone in England:))
     
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    Not bad. Not bad at all. So, he caught a Zigzagoon and is now on his way to Petalburg City. Just as a quck tip, maybe you could, I don't know, make the chapters have just a bit more excitment to it? I'm not an expert in fan fiction (Eru help if I ever post my story on here) but it seems that all,or most anyway, all have battles in them. Not that they are bad, but after awhile it gets boring. Change up something.
    Other than that, good story so far. :)
     


    Few quick remarks before I head to bed.

    I have to give you credit that you have improved the way of the battles, but there is still more work to do with it. And I also have to give you credit for "correcting" those "mistakes" I mentioned earlier as a flashback chapter.

    Avoid random capitalization, if there is no need to capitalize, don't do so. Also try not to make sentences chopped. By this I mean cutting it to sentences uneededly, while you could've put them together to make it flow better. If you write in MSWord or another program, spell check before sending anything out. You can easily spot small mistakes with the F7-key.

    You still need to focus on dividing into paragraphs. The whole chapter, which is not to long anyways, is all fitted into together. It makes hard for the reader to read and doesn't help on creating visuals. Again, there was an unlogical part or two, but I'm not going into it right now. Also put more focus on the length of the chapters, don't rush things, seriously. If you need more time to get on the writing mood, then take that time. Lastly, get somebody as a beta-reader, it will help you out a lot.

    Rating: :pokeball: :pokeball:

    (I gave you an extra pokeball for advancing at least a bit as writer. But hey, advancing is advancing, even if it's just a small thing. Though, you still need to work hard/er in the future.)

     
    ****! I'm writing Part Two of chapter 3, but now I can't use my computer. It's saved on there. I could email it over, then post it...
    Anyway, it should be up soon.
     
    The long awaited.....

    PART TWO-Aron of the Glare

    "All passengers leaving for Dewford Island, please make your way to the Satoshi Lounge for identification checking" said the cool female voice through the speaker system. A young man stood up and walked through the corridors of the port. After having his I.D checked, he boarded the ship. Nothing surprised him. There were huge flocks of passing Wingull, playing on the simulators and snappy execs from EA talking about ways to market mass money making games, though this time a bunch of Konami people were at the bar commenting on their new

    "Omega HyperPower GeoScene Battle System!"

    or other drivel like that. He noticed a kid standing out at the edge of the stern with a Skarmory. "Maybe...!" he thought excitedly, and approached the kid...

    Steven sighed and looked out at the Wingull. They seemed so loud; their cries hurt his ears with the noise. Suddenly a man tapped him on the shoulder.
    "Who are you?" asked Steven calmly.
    "My name is Nikel," said the man, "I am a move tutor. Your Skarmory, it looks like it could learn Chrome Strike.
    "What strike?" replied Steven, now confused.
    "Chrome Strike. It's a powerful move for steel Pokemon," explained Nikel helpfully to Steven, "Your Skarmory looks like it could learn it. Allow me to demonstrate." He sent out a Magneton. "Chrome Strike!" he yelled. Magneton glowed and a silvery blast came out from its body. It flew across the sea, making ripples as it went. A moment later a Wingull screamed and fell down into the water. It disappeared below the surface and sunk. Steven sighed again and agreed to Nikel's offer.

    They had reached Dewford Island. Steven agreed to Nikel's proposal of a caving expedition tomorrow. "Sounds good," replied Steven, "Rare stones and rare Pokemon!"
    The night passed and Steven woke up to a gentle rhythm of waves hitting the shore. He went up to Granite Cave, and found Nikel at the entrance. They exchanged greetings and entered the cave...

    The first thing Steven noticed was the smell. It stank of poke****.
    "Uggh, this is horrible!" moaned Steven. Nikel nodded and they went on. Deeper and deeper, stinkier and stinkier went the cave. After awhile it suddenly brightened. They were in a huge cavern. Steven saw a nearby Whismur, and startled it. It attacked without warning. "Go Skarmory!" yelled Steven. The steel bird popped out, looking shinier than ever. "Ok, let's test this out. Chrome Strike!" he commanded. Skarmory cawed and started glowing. Five seconds later it released its power in a massive blast of silver energy, knocking out the Whismur. Pleased, Steven returned Skarmory, thanked Nikel on his excellent move, and continued. Suddenly they were interrupted. An Aron colony had just appeared and they weren't too happy about Steven and Nikel intruding in their nesting grounds...

    "Run!" yelled Nikel as the Aron colony chased after them. They were gaining and it was all too clear that they wouldn't escape as Steven tripped on a rock. Nikel ran back and pulled him up. His leg was bleeding now and it could get septic. "Dammit!" cursed Nikel angrily. One Aron stepped forwards. "It wants to battle me," said Steven calmly.
    "Huh?" said Nikel.
    "I'll use Skarmory for the fight. Go!"
    Skarmory burst out of its pokeball. It started fighting on its own. First it used wing attack, then gust. They did nothing to the Aron. It just stood there, motionless.

    Then it moved.

    It curled into a ball, bounced into the air and started bouncing on Skarmory. Every hit hurt tenfold. Finally Skarmory was on its knees. Its eyes glowed. Then, the rest of its body. A Chrome Strike was unleashed, crippling the Aron a bit. It didn't stop the Tackle afterwards. Steven returned Skarmory and pulled out a pokeball.
    "No!" yelled Nikel.
    "Why not?" retorted Steven angrily.
    "It's still very healthy. No chance for a catch. You've got to use Zigzagoon. Skarmory's exhausted, remember," said Nikel worringly.
    "Dang, he's right!" cursed Steven under his breath as he realized that the Aron in front of him was more than a match for his relatively untrained Zigzagoon...

    Pop! Zigzagoon burst onto the rock with a growl. "Zigzagoon, use Headbutt!" commanded Steven. Zigzagoon slammed into Aron powerfully. "Wait a minute! I have that disc!" thought Steven. He pulled it out and placed it on Zigzagoon's head. It flashed and Zigzagoon jumped. "Hit it with Brick Break now!" Zigzagoon jumped and smashed its tail into the Aron. Steven seized the chance and threw a pokeball. It shook, then stopped...

    "So I'll see you when you come for the badge, right?" asked Nikel.
    "Uh-huh," replied Steven, "Bye!"
    Nikel saw him disappear into the horizon, smirked, and went the other way.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Next Chapter-Steven battles a young Prof. Birch(complete with Sideburns)! Will he succeed against the Superpower of his Groyvle, Marshtomp and Combusken?
    Find out in Chapter Four-Can't break a Birch!
     
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