*~Grass~*

OOh...length. Try, try, try making it longer with the necessary amount of descriptions. Also...

A harshly whispering voice came across the air.
Click to expand...

Avoid those nasty misuse of adverbs, as 'harshly' is supposed to be used as 'harsh,' and 'whispering' could be used as 'whisper' instead. See these mean old words playing tricks on you? XD It was a nice plotline, but excitement could've been added by the use of descriptions on some of the details. For example, I was a bit lost during the war. It happened so abruptly, so suddenly, I didn't think I had barely enough time to think before I saw the words, "CHARGE." XP Meaning, try slowing it down and add more things, otherwise the plot and the dialogue tone is really interesting.

Some of the adjectives you used were awesome, although I did spot a few grammtical errors such as spelling and the misuse of plural forms. But still, the plotline is very cool and unusual. I <3 originality anyway, so great job and good luck with the next chapter! ^_~
 
Sorry about that, and sorry for being gone so long. It's a long story. I'll spruce that last chapter up and add the ending (I pretyped it, but it's on another computer. Aggrivating.) If you want to see the next stuff, look at the last chapter.

Forgot to mention that I already have my next story thought out. Instead of the past, it's pokemon from the future. If you ever read Redwall or played Ratchet and Clank and Sly Cooper, well you'd like the story that's coming next. I'm even excited! It's called White Flame.

Also, after Thrive's dubbing, I'll do Tulip and Blossom.

So more new things to say! I got internet back (didn't have it since Feb. or somewhere around that).

Tally hoh!

~Mushookies!

P.S.--Yeah, I've changed a bit. Not as ADHDish. "Tally hoh!" and ~Mushookies! Are now officially my signatures.
 
Alright. I have the interesting habit of typing up my review as I go through the fic, so if I complain about something that is later fixed don't mind me.

First off, the flourescent colors aren't really necessary, and are a tad confusing. I don't really enjoy having to go ALLL the way back up so I know who's narrating. If you're attached to the colors, then you can keep them but put a little reminder of who's narrating when you switch roles.

-The most common pokemon they used to train was the Seedot, due to the fact that they turned into the robust form of Shiftry. They only let the males protect the town. Therefore the females were sacrificed due to their strange religion.
--Okay. Eek. One of the biggest problem with Pokemon fanfiction these days is how blegh they are. No description. This should not be a three sentence paragraph. Why did the Robust Shiftry benefit them? Why only males? What were the beliefs of the strange religion? Also, strange is quite the weak adjective. Outlandish, maybe?

-were completely hay-wire.
--This and the proceeding paragraph could be one.

-Some grass, but not much.
--Again, weak words. Try something like "Grass was sparce."

-He was going about his business when the spring sun just came up which didn't do any effect whatsoever to the dreariness of the wood.
--Another weak sentence which is also a run-on.

-"What is it?" A youthful wurmple asked the wind.
--This is a very nice sentence. See, you've got good wording in you!

-A buzz of commerce
--Hmm. Commerce usually brings to mind the word "business". Is that what you wanted to convey? If so, pay me no mind.

-as if it just fell from the heavans.
--NO! "Just" is a totally unnecssary word here. Without it, this is a nicely done sentence.

-from?" A Silcoon stated.
--This isn't a statement. Statements are generally straightforward and meant as fact. Try "wondered".

-A Cascoon snarled.
--Hm. Doubting word use again. Okay. From what I've gathered, you write by what I call the "Green Theory". It goes as such: "Said is dead." The word said is in our language to be used. Just make sure to use it with an adverb. Sometimes, it can't be replaced. If you must, make sure that you are using an appropriate word. There is nothing wrong with using a dictionary or thesaurus. I'd applaud you for it. I;d use "said, suspicious of the foreign words."

-The Wise One told us.
--Us? I did not think this was first person. Typo?

-The Wise Linoone said
--We jump from Wise One to Wise Linoone. Same or different? Clairfy, maybe.

-Kincoco asked eagerly
--You use the word asked twice in three sentences. Vary a bit, or it starts to sound a tad sing-songy

-Linoone told us. "The sun gives
--Again, the tense thing. Also a slight grammatical mishap. It should be: ...told us, "The sun gives... Just a nitpick. Also, told is a weak word. Thoug yo might want to thesaurus this one. Not sure off the top of my head what might fit better here.

-morning (or night to Kincoco) was
--Another tiny nitpick-- maybe use a hyphen instead of parenthesis here.

Alright! Whew! Not bad at all. Here's a sum-up:

Work on your descriptive writing, and strive for better vocab. As several magnifiscent sentences show, you have it in you! This seems potential-like, so I will look over chpater two... someday...
 
Hey, thanks for such a nice review :) You know, on my last story, people gave me really mean ones, but yours really lightens me and encourages me to move on and make my story better. And, from now on, I'll try to be longer and more descriptive. The following was all done on Microsoft Word, so it corrected most of my errors.

Tulip the Oddish

As the sun rose from the sea far off to the west, what seemed to be a weed rustled slightly with a jerk. It was odd since the spring morning was windless and there was no possible way that the weed didn't have a brain to think from. In an instant, a pesky oddish burst from the ground in a small explosion of soil. His eyes swiveled around comically as the grin plastered on his face widened, seeming too big for someone so small and petite. His smile stretched even further limits when he saw the carotty sun rising up from the east.
"Spring has come! At last!"
Despite the fact that his cry was immenselyy deafening, it was nothing compared to the roaring snore of Tulip's best friend, Bubbles. Bubbles the Azurill was snoring away against the white fence post outside of the fields. The firebrand of an oddish picked up a twig skillfully with his mouth and bustled over to his friend, not being careful at all at waking her up. He prodded her with the tiny twig.
"Bubbles..." He whispered, his voice muffled by the twig. "It's spri-hing...wake u-hup..."
The blue little powder puff rolled over, unaware of her surroundings. She cuddled her large tail end and whined pathetically, "Bu' I don' wanna my macawoni!"
A malevolent plan passed by in the oddish's head and, spitting out the stick, he screeched, "BUBBLES! HE'S TAKING OUT THE CARVANHA!"
Bubbles screamed in panic and awoke. She focused her eyes with the sagging eyelids on Tulip.
"Wha--Tulip...I-I jus' had the most petrifyin' nightmare..."
The oddish subdued guffawing as his friend explained the atypical dream.
"Dare was this huge...whatchamathingamabobber tearin' through the clouds...it had prickly lil thingummy on its back an', uh...then that' weird lil dream ended an' I was strugglin' tah get away from Dad's hideous macaroni formula...I don' even know what macaroni is...it was an orangey color--an'--an'...what are ye turnin' all purple about Tulip?"
Tulip had to hold his breath to prevent him from going into an eternity of laughter. Tears were springing from his eyes.
"What is this, a hold-yer-breath contest?" Bubbles asked, naive of everything she stumbled upon.
Tulip tried to hide his face under his head leaves. His face was turning white now.
"My lord, Tulip, give yerself some air!"
He took the offer without shilly-shallying, and shoke with mirth louder than booming thunder, louder than an Arcanine's roar...yet still not louder than Bubbles's snoring.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You brainless dimwit! AHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! You should have seen your face when--HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEE! Oh, gosh...heh-heh"
Bubbles was at a loss as she typically was. "When what?"
Tulip wiped away a tear with his nearest head leaf. "Nothing...just nothing..."
Bubbles was a very...peculiar Azurill. Immediatly, she responded with an, "Oh...alright."
She was a tremendously credulous friend. Actually, Tulip and Bubbles were thought to be brother and sister.
Tulip and his sister, Blossom, were orphans. There parents were massacred by a livid Sharpedo. The orphans were merely knocked out by the tragedy, for they were blameless of the crime their parents had done.
Their parents foolishly went out for a swim to the east of Mauville, where the Sharpedo feasted. It was the time of day when their stomachs were vacant and they were searching devilishly through the sea for anything fashionable enough to consume. Since their parents got caught in some seaweed where some Sharpedo eggs were laid, yeah...I'd say they were quite fashionable...
 
good spon!^^ i havent had a chance to read it till now, but i`m really liking it!^~
 
Aw! I'm so glad! Meh, no one likes flamers... or else... the word flamer wouldn't have a negative connotation... XD

Anywhohowway, I shan't stay behind! Alrighty.

-east of petalburg
--A nitpicky typo! Petalburg should be capatalized.

-As you know, Petalburg and Oldale are at a series of hostilities
--Hm. I think you can omit the "as you know" part
--Also, you change tenses here. I'm not sure whther you meant to or not. It implies that they still are in present day. You should probably clarify that.

-Thrive awoke on the first day of spring when the tailow were usually chasing the zigzagoons tails and the wurmple were curiously chasing the ralts drifting in mid-air.
--Hn... might be pushing it as far as what's a run-on vs. what's not is concerned.

-russling grass from the caress of the wind
--This I like ^^

-"No, father, I don't. I have no nose, remember?"
--Meh, grammar. You should specify who's talking here. It's obvious to the reader, but it's a grammatic imformality.

-their tents stained with the suns menacing light
--another nice phrase

-BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!"[/'i]
--Little typo in the form of a messed up tag ending.

- "CHARGE!"
--Same. Annoying caps, eh?

-Flames spurting everywhere and blood spewing out from
--Hmm... I'd put "were" between "Flames" and "spurting" and "was" between "blood" and "spewing"

-of blood was like humid in
--Little typo. Take out like.

Meep! That's depressing... I'm really overly emotional.

Anyway, totally changing moods, this was quite the step up from the other chapter. Only a few typos and grammatical errors. Not bad at all. Your characters were portrayed quite nicely. I'll get myself over to the next chpater tomorrow.
 
Here's my weaknesses according to you:
-I type too fast and forget to capitilize occasionally
-I get confused with tenses
-Run-ons like to come up
-Tag endings are bugging me -_-;

I'm a bit too tired to type tonight *yawn* although I have Blossom and Scarecrow all ready to go. In Blossom's part, you get to see me make more characters interact with eachother. Plus, their interesting personalities. One gift I have in writing is making the characters. I'm not too good at making war scenes.[/color]
 
niether am i. `course, i never tried to make a war scene.... but i can just tell. ^^'
 
I think you're a fine writer; I don't have any consistent complaints at all. I'm not out to offend anyone... just am a grammar-addict.

Alrighty! I'm about to be caught up. Here we go...

-weed rustled slightly with a jerk
--Hmm... this may be an oxymoron. A jerk is a sharp, sudden movement. It might contradict "slightly".

-not being careful at all at waking her up
--I don't think "at" is the right word. maybe "in waking her up" or even "and waking her up"

-typically was. "When what?"
--You do the same thing in this and the next sentece. It shoudl be -was, "When- with a comma. A little nitpick.

Alright! I liked this, I really enjoy Bubbles' character. I'm immensely enjoying this and I look forward to your next chapter update thingy ^_^
 
My reviews are getting shorter and shorter! Hey, you can be my official editor for all of my stories. This is my second one, so don't go to my first...it's pretty bad O_o
The chapter after this one is going to be boring, so I'm just including it with Blossom.

Blossom the Oddish
The young little twin sister of the fire brand, Tulip, was gently napping under an oak tree. She was the most soundless creature ever born on the earth. Never had a noise emitted from her mouth. She was a mute, yet also very coy and gentle serene.
Unlike her brother, she preferred to sleep above ground and during the day. She lurked in the night because in that time the woe explosions weren't up causing bedlam. She slept above ground because the feeling of wet soil unnerved her. She loathed getting wet. She hated water ever since the Sharpedo incident. Ever since, she only swallowed small sips of water and tried her hardest to stay away from bodies of it. Water was her worst enemy.
Yet she was a grass type and she had the need of water. It was in plain sight that her leaves were wilting.
She felt a swift kick to her side. Her brother never felt a drop of empathy for her.
"Wake up, you dolt. We want to have some breakfast."
Blossom shifted in her position defiantly against the oak. Tulip's second kick was fit for a bruise. "Didn't you hear me? It's time for breakfast!"
Blossom threw a dirty look at her brother. She studied and hated how it was like looking in a mirror. Her reflection was slightly larger than her.
They both hopefully wished that they would soon evolve into opposite pokemon, so they could never be mistaken for the other again.
The tiny oddish stood up with tremulous legs, seeming weak and helpless. She followed Tulip through the peaceable village of Mauville.
The village had a populace of humans, which were frightening characters to Blossom. They dwelled in small cottages made of straw and logs. Their grubby clothes hung off of their bodies loosely, and they took no notice of the pokemon near the town. They only thing they ever touched them with was their lips and rotted teeth.
"Ahoy there, mateys!" Torrent the gay Azumarill cried in delight. "How are ye three buckoes doin' this mornin'?"
"Fine, pop." The two hotheads chorused. They traipsed over and sat down on the sandy shore, dazzling their feet.
"An' how's me young missus doin' today?" Torrent asked Blossom as if she were an infant. She rewarded him with a taciturn smile.
"Tha's a good thing tah know, ye know." The old Azumarill laughed as he dipped his tail in the sea. He stood of some coral jutting from the ground as he fished. "Have ye heard? Our ole southern neighbors are out an a-havin' themselves a lil bit of a war!"
Bubbles laughed sarcastically. "Tchah! 'Lil bit' of a war? I couldn' get tah sleep they was battlin' so darn callously!"
"Aye, I'd have tah agree with ye on tha' one, Bub." Her father concured, stirring his tail as if stirring a pot of broth.
Tulip rolled with laughter. "Couldn't get to sleep!? It was me that couldn't get to sleep! You have the most boisterous snoring!"
"I do not snore! Tha's a lie! Tha's a true lie!"
Blossom thought to herself, "Yes, it is very true." She laughed deep in her gut. The comical seen of the laughing Oddish and Azumarill and the nervous looking Azurill was priceless. Torrent, her said-to-be father, chortled like a pirate.
"Hahar...No, Missy Bub...I heard yer snorin' all the way from me sleepin' spot. I thought tha' was the war!"
Tulip burst into huge fits of laughter as the polka dot on each of Bubbls's cheeks turned scarlet.
"You bunch o' fraud-fakies! Pretend impostin'...hypocritin'...phonies! Tha's what ye are!"
Tulip and Torrent wiped tears away together as Blossom vigalantly watched the Azumarill's tail. If a Sharpedo came up, he was done for. Something tugged it.
"Oop! Looks like we have ourselves some fishies!"
He swung his tail overhead, creating a brief arch of water in the air. A red fish flopped onto the beach, flailing its fins in every which direction. The boys crowded around the restless Magikarp.
"Ye know the drill, Tulip." Torrent said with a nod.
Blossom could see in between a gap in the group her brother creating a repulsive scene. Wrapping his head leaves around the fish, he used his technique absorb. One suck and the Magikarp lay limp on the sandy shore. Blossom scurried over to have her breakfast.

Change of thought: I'm not going to put the next one because my time is thinning (for the day, I'll be here laughter at night)
 
me too I liked it a lot.
are you saying Through Espeon Eyes was horrible?*gasps*how could you say that*faints*
 
Just the spelling and lack of detail. Just a lot of errors that I'm too lazy to edit. Great story, I'll hand that to you, but just badly writen...for me, at least. Boy, howdy! You haven't seen the half of it! When it comes to me exploding with ideas, do I sure sound like Shakespeare!
 
^_^ Shweet. If I have less to say, that means I found less errors... heh, that's a good thing XD.

Anyway!

-The young little twin sister of the fire brand, Tulip, was gently napping under an oak tree
--What do you mean my fire brand?
--The way this is done, it makes it sound as if Tulip is the little sister. You might want to reword this.

-in that time the woe explosions
--Woe? I'm not sure if that amkes sense.

-They only thing they ever touched them with was their lips and rotted teeth
--Make "thing" and "was" plural if you have a joint object.

-stood of some coral
--Typo-- stood on

-Bubbles laughed sarcastically
--You never secify that Bubbles has joined them. I'd mention that before they go into the town.

OKay! That was very cute, I liked it. I still like Bubbles, and I think Blossom is a very interesting character.

Later...
 
You seem to be getting attached to the naive little Bubbles. I have to mention something, all the pokemon mentioned so far with names, I've had them in my Ruby Version. Well, Torrent I had in my last game. He helped me beat the elite four. I think Torrent's the coolest :P argh!
Kincoco's a Breloom and has a gentle personality
Thrive's a Nuzleaf and has a lonely personality
Tulip's a Vileplume and has a naughty personality
Blossom's A Bellosom (heh) and has a quiet personality
Bubbles is still an Azurill and has a brave personality, which I much rather thought should have been naive. I didn't want Bubbles to be a little brave kid.

Anyways, onwards and outwards!

Scarecrow the Cacnea
A bit north of Mauville was--and still is--a desert that always had vicious sandstorms about. The only pokemon that dwelled the desert were the strong ones that could withstand such austere conditions that the brutal sandstorms bore. These pokemon were the Cacnea, Baltoy, Trapinch, Sandshrew, and their evolve forms. Very rarely did people see the evolve forms, though.
Scarecrow was a young little Cacnea who lived with her father the Cacturne. The name Scarecrow wasn't her nickname at all; she was called Scarecrow because of her abnormal immobility. All she did most of her days was stand, her hulking arms askew, pondering her many thoughts.
She was a pensive one, Scarecrow. The thought that she commonly rolled over was the name of the desert. No human had named it for humans seldom wandered through the desert. Pokemon were the ones who quarrelled over naming it. It was either "Claydol Desert," "Flygon Desert," "Sandslash Desert," or "Cacturned Desert." Scarecrow's mother had told her about her great-grandfathre, Prickly, who thought the name shouldn't be so obvious. He thought that the name should be "The Great Rock Peak Desert." That always seemed to be the most accurate name for the desert, because all of the pokemon named were barely ever seen in the arid region.
One day, while Scarecrow was off wandering, she stumbled upon a strange formation of rocks. There was one large one in the center and a few smaller ones around it. This wasn't really rock; it was a boulder. A humungous boulder. This must've been the "Great Rock Peak" Grandpa Prickly was speaking of.
Scarecrow scurried off, kicking sand in the air and seeking through the typical sandstorm. She stopped at her grandfather's burrow.
"Gramps!" She yelled down the hole. "Gramps! Do you know anything about Grandpa Prickly?"
The old Cacnea poked his head out from his burrow. "My girl, how are you this day?"
Scarecrow sighed. "I'm fine, Gramps...can I come inside?"
"Sure...sure, come in"
She slid down into the hole, blinking sand from her eyes once she dropped in the dark chasm.
"As I was saying..." She continued. "You must know much about Grandpa Prickly."
The old Cacnea lit up. "Yes, yes! Of course I know about my old father. He was an odd fellow. He always took me th that formation of rocks. I didn't like it there...strange presence I felt..."
"He must've been looking for something..." Scarecrow declared. "He must have. Who would be so interested in a giant rock?"
"Anyone I suppose. You seem to be quite interested. A rock that big would seem suspicious, would it not?"
Scarecrow twiddle with her spikes on her arms. "Erm...I guess your right."
"I think it would be a good think for you to stay away from that peak, alright."
"Alright..." She lied.
"Scarecrow could see a smile on her grandfather's face from the light outside.
"Good...now go along, have some breakfast with your father."
Scarecrow ambled off after climbing out of the hill. She never felt so probing...

See? What's I tell you? BORING! You'd be pretty lost without it, though...
 
i guess. a rock? what are you plan, SPon? *shifty eyes*
 
OH!!! i get it! sorta... but i think i have an idea.^^
 
Hmm... In my Gold ( I have Ruby but Gold is my fave) I have... Ty, my Typhlosion, Amphy, my Ampharoas, Politoed, Articuno, Larvitar (power to first forms!), and Houndoom. ^-^

Hm.. alrighty, here we go.

No complaints on my part :*! I liked this, I think Scarecrow's character is cute.

And because this is so increasingly short, I shall pague you with my Ruby team: Aggron, Whiscash, Flygon, Dodrio, Plusle, and Ninetails... whoohoo? XD.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top