[Pokémon] Grey's Adventure

[dino435]

This is a story for a new firered hack I'm making called pokemon grey version for more details you would have to play follow a forum I'm making called Pokemon Grey.
"Grey wake up!" My Mom yells from the kitchen.
"Coming!" I shout back.
I put on my jacket and clothes after my shower finally, strapping my goggles on above my eyes. Today I would get my first pokemon. I practically jumped down the stairs and ran out the door after eating breakfast and ran over to Professor Moer's lab. I gasped in fear as my long-time rival Purple grabbed the last pokeball from Professor Moer. Purple said to me as he walked out, " Where's your pokemon loser?" Then showed off his. It was a healthy Totodile and worse then that it was HIS healthy Totodile. I grabbed a pokeball off a counter and said, "Here it is!" and threw it at something rambling in a nearby bush. It turned out to be a Pikachu and I was surprised at how easily it was caught. Purple challenged me to a fight and his Totodile completely owned my Pikachu even though Electric was super effective on Water.
TO BE CONTINUED...

 

[bobandbill]

I'll leave this open, but I'll mention a few things that can be improved for this fanfic.

Firstly, try adding a line spacing between each paragraph or whenever someone else speaks so each paragraph is properly separated. The reason for this is that it's easily to read - without it for forums, it's not as easy to distinguish different lines from each other.

Grey wake up!" My Mom yells from the kitchen.

Note that with dialogue, you can often treat the dialogue and what follows as one sentence - 'My Mum yells from the kitchen.' doesn't work that well as its own sentence here given it's referring to who said the dialogue and how - hence you can treat it all as one sentence. By doing that it means there is no need to capitalise 'My' (in fact doing so would be incorrect - somewhat like Randomly capitalising a word in the Middle of the sentence like so) so you can change that to 'my' - ie:

Grey wake up!" my Mom yells from the kitchen.

You'd want to consider adding in more description, and show us how things happen some more. For instance, what does this rival look like, or the Professor? What gives the appearance of Totodile being healthy - is it jumping about happily or flexing its muscles or something along those lines? And the battle also lacks a bit - what makes a battle exciting to read in a fic is that it'd be a bigger extension of what happens in the games - ergo, seeing how the battle goes beyond 'it completely owned my Pikachu'. That doesn't come off as very interesting nor does it tell us what moves it used or how badly hurt the Pikachu become from the battle.

As well as that, thee story could use...well, more! There's not much in this story at he moment and I think this is because you're simply basing it off a rom hack and nothing much else. For instance, you used the typical 'mother wakes you up' start but she seems to serve no purpose beyond doing that, and hence comes off as a boring and uninteresting character. The it seems there's the rather overused 'too late to get a normal starter Pokemon' deal only for the protagonist to get a Pikachu...just like in the Anime despite how unlikely such an event would normally be when you think about it).

In short, I suggest that if you do want to write a story, try fleshing it out some more. Build up back stories and personalities for the characters and describe how things happen and what they look like. There's more in the Writing Resources thread (there's a link to it at the bottom of the first post in the Rules thread here) and you could also check out some other stories here to see how other people do it. Writing takes some effort to pull off a good story is all, but you already have the basis for a beginning - you just need to add to it is all. Good luck!