[Pokémon] He who is Merely a Rumour [M]

[Citrinin]

Introduction
My first fic, revamped, rewritten, and reworked. The plot has been altered and tightened, unlike the first one, which I felt was all over the place. To my new readers, welcome; to my old ones, welcome back. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. :) Also, if you'd like to be notified via PM when a new chapter is released, just let me know.

This fic is rated M, primarily for violence, and some mild drug use.

Chapter List
Prologue

PART I
Chapter One: Standing on the Tip of a Knife
Chapter Two: Saccadic Blindness (COMING SOON)

[A ID]prologue[/A ID]Prologue
Six o'clock. Denizens of Cronine City exhibited the same pattern of movement as every other major urban area in the region did. As daylight became less exuberant and the red glow of the sunset painted the sky, faceless people everywhere rushed to their houses. Some engaged in lip-biting while others looked nervously at the sunset as they picked up the pace of their jog home.

Ten-thirty. Throughout the streets, lights systematically switched off. When it was first imposed, there was much private speculation as to why there was a lights-out time. It was at least partially explained by who emerged after the yellow glow from the windows went out. A mere fifteen minutes later, the sweep of cloaks quietly brushed against the concrete pavements.

In one small, not-yet-discovered crime hotspot of the city, a young teenager slept. Her slumber was light and restless. It was as if she were constantly agitated at her homeless state, even when asleep. As she turned uncomfortably in the small patch of grass, her curly, chestnut hair drooped off her face. Dirt spread even further into her clothes and onto her Pokéballs, which seemed to be the cleanest things on her.

An eye opened, revealing a hazel iris. Something had moved. Something nearby.

As quietly as she could, she immediately pulled herself in a position to crawl away. Not many people could be as alert as her upon waking, but it was a survival technique. Scratch that. A survival habit. She couldn't see anything, but that was even more disconcerting. An unseen enemy is not necessarily an imagined one. Something in her gut told her that she was facing the former. A trainer's instinct.

She moved away in an almost comical method known to trainers as scrinting. She kept her head lowered and her belly to the ground, using her four limbs to pull herself forward in a swift crawl. Her heart bouncing in her chest, she kicked off the ground, breaking rapidly into a sprint.

"Mean Look!"

Cutting short the crawling phase, she bounced into action, prepared to take off. A wise plan, were it not for the sudden immobilisation of her legs. She fell to the ground in an ungraceful, small arc. Instinctively, she reached for a Pokéball, but she found that her had could not move, either. Her eyes flickered, frantically searching for a solution. When she found none, she did the only thing she could: shout obscenities in the hope that some nearby trainer would come to rescue her.

A few seconds later, two dark figures emerged. One was a plump, short ball of purple fog with pointy ears and a mischievous grin on its face. "Gengar," it taunted.

The other dark figure was a hooded cloak dancing with the occupying body's calm movements forward. At first it seemed humorously Gothic to make the secret police dress in what were effectively Hallowe'en costumes. But the imagery was powerful, and it didn't take long for the aptly named Spectres to become embedded within the populace's mind as unstoppable monsters.

"What the hell did you do to my hands?"

The Mean Look attack explained why her legs failed when she tried to flee, but not why she found both her hands firmly rooted to the spot.

"Presumably you mean these ones?" It was hard to discern any kind of meaningful tone from the man. Partly because his voice seemed muffled by something, partly because it seemed devoid of emotion.

Involuntarily, her hands began to rise, and to prevent her shoulders from being pulled out of their sockets, the victim rose. She stood as quite a spectacle, her hands outstretched and high in the air, her body supported by her toes, and her lips twisting mildly with confusion. But not fear. Never fear.

There had been all kinds of rumours around the Torcran secret police having supernatural powers, but this trainer had dismissed them all as being fanciful and superstitious.

With ghost-like grace, the cloaked man stepped closer to the girl, and pulled back the right side of his outer cloak to reveal a sword. "Unless you feel like having your head roll into the river, I suggest that -"

Before he could finish what was shaping up to be an intimidating sentence, a sudden burst of wind knocked the man off his feet. The girl's hands were freed, and she collapsed, making a small thud as she struck the ground below.

Seemingly out of nowhere, a dark, four-winged bat dropped onto the man.

"Psychic," commanded the face inside the hood.

Gengar leapt upwards, raising its arms toward the diving Crobat. The Crobat was stopped mid-air and squealed in pain, its innards being twisted unnaturally. It flapped pathetically, squealing in agony, before Gengar finally tossed it to the ground. In a vicious, angry flip, it regained height and shot upwards.

"Air Cutter!"

Crobat's wings moved at blink-and-you-miss-it speed, mustering up another razor-sharp burst of wind. It was close: some air hit the ground, ripping up the grass below. But another portion of the attack sliced Gengar's legs, causing it to howl in pain as it collapsed to the ground.

Suddenly, the girl jumped at the cloaked man with a knife from her belt. He turned slightly, before sending her in a large, painful arc toward the ground, in the middle of the battlefield. Two loud cracking sounds emanated from her arms. Her vocal cords buzzed with rage, burning to unleash a scream. She jammed her teeth against her lip, concentrating all her will into resisting that urge.

In his short period of distraction, the cloaked figure didn't notice that Crobat had been ordered to use Heat Wave. As he turned his head, he saw the flashing wave of orange energy hurtling towards his legs. In a feeble attempt to escape he tried to jump to the left, releasing a piercing roar as he realised his failure. Scorching waves of painful energy spread immediately from his shins. Small drops of blood stained his cloak.

Breathing hard and ignoring the pain in her broken arms, the girl pushed one of her Pokéballs against the ground, and it sprung open. "Hydro Pump," she said weakly.

A Blastoise materialised and lowered its shoulder cannons. Distracted by the attack on his master, the Gengar was swallowed by the overwhelming stream of water. Before it even had time to verbally express its surprise, it was tossed thirty feet into the distance.

Out of the darkness emerged a man covered from head to toe in black, with his eyes in similarly dark goggles. He moved with incredible rapidity, leaping onto the cloak and sticking some object into the figure's neck. As he brought down his finger, the girl realised it was a syringe. Instantly, her assailant went limp.

Her rescuer recalled the Crobat and turned to the girl. "Who are you?"

"I could ask you the same bloody question! Who the hell kills a Spectre?" The strain of distress and confusion was evident in her whisper. As she said it, she recalled her Blastoise, not wanting to draw the attention of any more law enforcement.

"I didn't kill him, and he wasn't a Spectre. You had a far more dangerous kind of thing after you. Now, we don't have much time. Come with me."

"You've gotta be high."

The man leaned down. "You think you can just forget how he attacked you without using his hands? How he could make your body do things you didn't want it to do? And you think there aren't more?" He came in even closer. Had his mouth not been covered, the girl would have been able to feel his heavy breath against her forehead. "Either you come with me, or they'll torture you, take whatever it is they want from you, and kill you."

 

[Swift!]

Maybe it's just the fact that I haven't read anything new from you in months, but this is simple amazing and I can't wait to read chapter one. Sure, I already know how a lot of the story goes, and I think I know who the two people in the prologue are, but I'm sure I'll still be hanging on every word of the coming chapters.

Of course, add me to the PM list.

Great to see you back here and writing again. :)

 

[Citrinin]

Maybe it's just the fact that I haven't read anything new from you in months, but this is simple amazing and I can't wait to read chapter one

Thanks. :D Did you think there were any points in which I did poorly or could have improved on?

Sure, I already know how a lot of the story goes

A lot of the story will be the same, of course, but there are certain differences. I've decided to axe some characters and add some new ones (nothing too major on that front, though), and while a lot of the events will remain the same, they'll be told from a different perspective. :)

and I think I know who the two people in the prologue are

*wink*

but I'm sure I'll still be hanging on every word of the coming chapters.

I aim to please. :D

Of course, add me to the PM list.

Sure thing. :) I just didn't want to be presumptuous by auto-adding everyone who was on the PM list the first time.

Great to see you back here and writing again. :)

It's great to be back. :D

 

[Swift!]

Thanks. :D Did you think there were any points in which I did poorly or could have improved on?

Not at all. Then again, I wasn't exactly focusing 100% on reading the prologue. I was watching TV at the same time. xD I'll probably read it again tomorrow, so I'll let you know then.

A lot of the story will be the same, of course, but there are certain differences. I've decided to axe some characters and add some new ones (nothing too major on that front, though), and while a lot of the events will remain the same, they'll be told from a different perspective. :)

Can't say it's 'revamped, rewritten, and reworked' without changing a few things, right? I'm sure all of the changes will be for the better. :)

 

[Eliminator Jr.]

Sure thing. :) I just didn't want to be presumptuous by auto-adding everyone who was on the PM list the first time.

Add me as well, please :D

Yeah I can definitely tell the difference in the writing style. That, or maybe I just haven't read your stuff in so long, but either way this is really well done. I'm too scared to try and correct any grammar but just in case:

It was light and restless: unsurprisingly, sleeping under a bridge is not exactly living the dream.

Like I said, I'm not too crash hot on grammar so I'm probably wrong but I think the snakebite is meant to be a semicolon, and where it says is it should probably say was cos the beginning of the sentence is in past tense and it just looks weird.

Anyway, I'm glad you've returned to writing. Awesome stuff.

 

[Citrinin]

I'm sure all of the changes will be for the better. :)

Here's hoping. :D

Add me as well, please :D

Sure thing. :3

Yeah I can definitely tell the difference in the writing style. That, or maybe I just haven't read your stuff in so long, but either way this is really well done.

Thanks. :D

You know, I was actually having a similar thought when writing it; that my style had changed but maybe it was just because I hadn't written in so long. XD;

I'm too scared to try and correct any grammar but just in case

Please don't be. :3 Worst case scenario, you're wrong, nobody holds it against you, and you learn something new. Best case, you're right, I learn something new, and my fic improves as a result.

And, in fact, you are right. Those are independent clauses I was connecting, so it should have been a semicolon. Thanks for pointing that out. :)

Anyway, I'm glad you've returned to writing. Awesome stuff.

Thanks. ^^ It's good to be back. :D

 

[JX Valentine]

Am I seriously the only one who has the balls to offer Citrinin concrit instead of a fluffy post that doesn't actually mention any specifics about his story? =| WTF, guys. We're supposed to be encouraging good reviewing on PC. At least say something significant about the story instead of, "OMG YOU'RE BACK."

Look. It's Citrinin, yes. That doesn't mean you have to back down from attempting to look at the grammar or find something to point out. If you'd do it for me, there's no reason why you shouldn't do it for him. He's a writer on these forums, and he's asking for concrit. Don't give him the "I'm too scared to look at your grammar" crap because you're failing at delivering what he wants, especially if you actually are capable of leaving a grammatical review. That and, come on. Stuff happened in this chapter. Would it kill you to mention some of it to show that you were actually reading past Citrinin's username?

That being said, let me get into my own review. I'm afraid it might be colored by this, but hey.



Let's start off with the nitpicks to get them out of the way. One of the most jarring thing I've found in your work is actually the smallest: the comma. There were several cases where you added in commas that actually weren't needed; many of these resembled this:

a method of escape where one would keep their belly to the ground and use all fours to drag themselves away, before breaking into a sprint with their head lowered.

Because the "before" phrase is functioning as a massive adverb (describing when a particular action is taking place), you want to make sure it's married to the rest of the sentence, so to speak. In other words, inserting a comma before, well, before causes your sentence to separate.

Putting it a bit clearer, you insert a comma in front of any dependent clause that doesn't necessarily have to be there. For example, in sentences like these--

Dirt spread even further into her clothes and onto her Pokéballs, which seemed to be the cleanest things on her.

she bounced into action, prepared to take off.

--the comma is kosher because you can remove the phrase and still have a sentence that makes sense. Technically, you could remove a before phrase and have a sentence make grammatical sense as well, but most likely, its content won't be clear without that phrase chiming in to state when something is occurring or what happens right after it.

So, inserting a comma creates a parenthetical – a phrase that doesn't exactly have to be there for the sentence to make sense but adds a few details to round things out. What you have in these cases, however, is a phrase that changes the meaning of the sentence if it's left out. Ergo, yeah, you won't need that extra comma.

You do this a couple of times, hence why I feel like I need to point it out at the beginning. Otherwise, let's take a look at the rest of your prologue.

You could always tell which ones didn't live around the area at this time,

While technically not grammatically incorrect, it's still not a particularly good practice to mix third-person perspective with second-person pronouns because the "you" in this sentence (i.e., the reader) can't tell because they aren't actually there, looking at the people. "One" is a slightly better substitute because it serves as a vague pronoun that could mean a lot of things, but that still doesn't stop the sentence itself from having an unfavorable slant.

What I mean by that is probably best explained with a borrowed term. Have you ever heard of the term "god-modding"? It's a phrase in roleplaying circles that can refer to the act of one player forcing another player's characters to take a particular action. For example, if Suzie played Henry's characters without his permission, that would be god-modding. It's the same concept in literature. Rather than present the reader with an image, you're forcing them to process it a certain way. So, instead of letting us come to the conclusion that some of them didn't live around the area by simply showing us a few people displaying nervous tics in a crowd, you're actually forcing us to zoom in on them. Not exactly a comfortable feeling for the reader.

It was at least partially explained by who emerged after the yellow glow from the windows went out.

I don't know. I've read this a few times, and there's something that's simply off about the word "who" here. It feels like you're going to go into the image of someone actually sitting down to explain the curfew, rather than into an image of the reason why the curfew is so worrisome. The reason why is because it's not clear whether "who" is singular or plural. As a singular, it means that you're about to show us one person explaining away the laws of the land. As a plural, it's a bit less jarring to see people actually enforce these laws, rather than someone literally explaining them.

Tl;dr, it might be better if you specified there instead of settled for an ambiguous pronoun. You could go either way, however, because grammatically, it's fine as it is. The problem is more in implicit meaning, which in turn means that some readers will probably be fine if you left it like this.

the sweep of cloaks quietly scraped against the concrete pavements.

First, beware of redundancy. You do this a couple of other times in this chapter, but unlike the commas, that's not something I can just explain away with general tips. In this case, while "concrete" literally refers to the material, it's usually understood as actually being pavement. This goes especially for the fact that the description refers to what the Spectres are walking along. Your reader will probably assume you mean a floor. I mean, with all seriousness, you could be referring to a wall, but because your readers will automatically assume that the laws of gravity apply to all beings unless otherwise stated, you'd be explaining away anything that wasn't quite right with reality.

Second, unless you have something sewn into the hem, cloaks don't normally scrape.

In one small, not-yet-discovered crime hotspot of the city, a young teenager slept. It was light and restless:

Beware of misplaced modifiers. Right now, you don't specify what "it" actually is, so the phrase will end up referring to the first noun of the sentence before it. As a result, you're not referring to the girl's sleep. You're actually referring to either the city or the girl herself (the latter with the attached implication that you've used the wrong pronoun).

unsurprisingly, sleeping under a bridge is not exactly living the dream.

First, it seems a little jarring that you spend the entirety of the prologue in the past tense, but this sentence is in the present. While it's generally a given (although there's some examples that might say otherwise about this kind of culture), you'll want to remain in the past tense for the sake of consistency.

Second, you'll want to avoid slang terminology like "living the dream." It causes your narration to have a kind of slant that implies that the narrator is actually a character in the story because you're giving it a voice. It's not an objective bystander but rather, in this case, sardonic. In some cases, things like this might be slightly narmy because you're trying to make the reader focus on the action of the scene, rather than feel as if they're being told the story by another character. That and the tone this kind of thing evokes is usually in instances where the story isn't meant to be full of serious business in the first place.

Something, somewhere nearby, had moved.

Another instance of commas where you don't need them. In this case, they cause your sentence to gain a choppy feel, like it's William Shatner narrating.

Cutting short the crawling phase, she bounced into action, prepared to take off. A wise plan, were it not for the sudden immobilisation of her legs.

Wouldn't she fall over, considering she was abruptly paralyzed just as she was attempting to bound away?

The other dark figure was a faceless, hooded cloak dancing with the occupying body's cool, calm movements forward.

First, if you just describe it as a cloak, your readers actually won't need the word "faceless." The reason why is because the readers will only see the inanimate object, not the human within it.

In general, yes. There's such a thing as adding too many descriptors. Be careful with your word choice and think carefully about what you have in your mind to figure out the minimum number of words that would be necessary to describe it. Never put down a word that doesn't absolutely have to be in a scene. It will stick out, no matter what else happens in the fic.

Second... is pretty much the same point as the first but about the words "cool" and "calm." While it's a cliché to describe someone's demeanor as cool and calm, they actually just mean the same thing.

The Mean Look attack explained why her legs failed when she tried to flee. But not why she found both her hands firmly rooted to the spot.

While it only marginally heightens suspense to separate this into two sentences, it also feels a lot like the reader is hitting a brick wall as they're going into the second sentence. That is, the second sentence isn't just any ordinary fragment. It's a fragment that needs the first sentence to make sense. Otherwise, by itself, it really means nothing.

What I'm saying is that it would make more sense and improve the flow of this paragraph if you dropped the first period. You actually won't be sacrificing much in terms of suspense because, well, she's immobilized, so you can't get much more suspenseful than that anyway. That and if it functions as its own paragraph, you get pretty much the same effect.

Partly because his voice seemed muffled by something; partly because it seemed devoid of emotion.

Comma, not a semicolon. Put it this way: if you replace the semicolon with a period, will you get two separate sentences as a result? Semicolons are mostly used to marry two independent clauses that are closely related; fragments aren't these.

Crobat's wings moved at blink-and-you-miss-it speed, mustering up another razor-sharp burst of wind, and Gengar jumped into the air.

Don't be too dependent on using the comma-dependent technique to add more to a sentence. In some cases (like this one), attempting to add a dependent clause just before the conjunction of a compound sentence causes the second independent clause to seem out of place. As in, you spend all that time talking about half of the sentence, and right when the reader expects a period, you go on to talk about something else.

Quickly, it rose again, ready to deliver a counterattack, but was stopped by a monstrous growl behind.

First tip here is you'll want an "it" after "but." While I realize the "ready to deliver a counterattack" is another parenthetical, the comma that comes after it implies that you're leading into another compound sentence. (Alternatively, you could drop the parenthetical to avoid having to use commas.)

Second, you'll need another "it" at the end. While I'm not too picky about the entire "don't end a sentence with a preposition" rule (because that's how most people speak and write anyway), there's some prepositions that just need something after it to answer whatever question it's posing. In this case, that question would be, "Behind what?"

"Hydro Pump!"

"Stupid girl."

Several things happened in a short space of time. A newly materialised Blastoise lowered its shoulder-cannons and sent an incredible volume of water at Gengar.

Ironically, while your descriptions of attacks aren't that bad, your battles could use a little work. I say "ironically" because your problem here is like the opposite version of what I usually see happening with young writers. That is, most of the time, I deal with authors whose problem is the other way around: they have the names of the characters involved but absolutely no attack description.

Repetition aside, the problem here is that while we can sort of see what's going on, there's a cloud of confusion miring it. As far as we're concerned, only two Pokémon were being used in the battle. Because of the fact that you don't show us the girl attempting to reach for another Poké Ball (Yes, she reaches for one at first, but that's when she was stopped. She doesn't obviously reach for one in the middle of the battle, and considering Gengar got only two moves in, we've got no reason to assume she would continue to use Crobat instead of grab for backup when we're not looking.)

In other words, it's important to identify what the trainers are doing in the middle of the battle, not just what the Pokémon are doing. This goes doubly for this one, considering it's the first battle and considering a third party ninjas his way into the shot right after Gengar is taken out. (That part felt a bit strange as well, by the way. If the newcomer didn't want the girl to get tortured and whatnot, why didn't he actually come in to defend her while the battle was happening? I mean, considering the fact that the girl had the cloaked figure and the Gengar distracted as it was, it probably would have been the perfect time to strike, which would presumably leave the Gengar confused and without a trainer. Or distracted long enough for the girl to leave a finishing blow. Assuming, at least, that this would follow a logical sequence of events.)

take whatever they wanted from you

Because the list is actually in the present tense (and assuming they're not capturing this kid and torturing her for a reason that they have before doing so), this part will need to be in the present tense as well.


To be honest, while I have to admit I might be biased by how annoyed I am by your other reviewers, I'm going to have to admit up front that this was only all right for me. You set up decent background, although you expect us just to swallow that there's a curfew here without really establishing the fact that the government is completely different compared to that of the Pokémon world we're used to seeing. (While I was an off-and-on follower of the first version of your fic, from the perspective of a new reader, it makes it feel like there's generic "this is a dystopia fic for no apparent reason" vibe to it. In other words, it feels like there's really no background to the piece, which makes the entire point about secret police and a curfew lose its power slightly. Sure, you might go into it later, but without starting off with some form of solid proof that we're looking at 1984 and not Sweden, it just makes the prologue feel a little weak because the newbie reader really doesn't have a reason to feel concerned that it's past curfew other than the fact that there's apparently a risk that a secret police will just go around and brutally attack the homeless without warning or regard to proper police policy.)

That aside, you have action. The problem there, though, is that it really falls short of describing itself fully. Aside from the ambiguity I've mentioned not too long ago, there's also the fact that you seem to shy away from explaining why attacks are painful. For example, Psychic is a telekinetic attack that hurls its target into objects. You have Crobat stop short in midair without explaining why it's squealing in pain. (Twisting innards? A feeling similar to hitting a brick wall? A telepathic assault on its mind?) Likewise, Air Cutter. It whips up a blade made out of wind (yeah, I know) to slice into the opponent. Your description, I'd hate to say it, makes it feel like the wind Crobat kicks up could just as easily be a shot of air from an ordinary fan. You don't really describe it as a blade, and you don't get visceral with your battles. Considering you've given yourself an M rating, this should give you the freedom to describe the crap out of your battles. Take advantage of that because it's moments like this, a scene that makes up the meat of your prologue, that should be functioning to grab the reader's attention. To make things extraordinarily blunt, you talk about immersing yourself in literature. This is why you need to step up and get into your battles. I'm not talking about being gratuitously violent. I'm talking about describing as much as possible the levels of violence these Pokémon are going through in order to help the reader imagine the kinds of pain and reactions they're experiencing.

As for the plot itself, it's a decent attention-grabber. Compared to the first version, I'd have to say it's not quite as exciting, in part because of the above and in part because the first version invoked a lot of mystery. I mean, you had legendaries going at it, Cyrus popping out of Distortion World, and characters getting intimidated for no as-of-then stated reasons. That left a reader feeling like something big was going on and that something intense was going to happen later on in the fic. While this does as well, the only thing I was left thinking at the end is, "Who let the dementors out of Azkaban again?" Not to be snarky, but what I'm saying is that as far as we're concerned, the only worry this girl has is that a bunch of psychopaths in black cloaks would happily pick her up off the streets and torture her for an undefined "whatever they wanted." (This could just as easily be read as "for the funzies.") It doesn't really leave as much of an impact as the entire legendary/mystery intimidation thing in the first version.

However, compared to itself, it's readable, and it does the job. Personally, I'd have to say that it's not the best or most exciting prologue I've ever read (That honor for this month would go to 7fEATHERS, for the sake of explaining to anyone reading this that, yes, I am capable of giving completely positive reviews to awesome writers.), but what makes it decent for me isn't so much the battling or what transpires in this prologue as it is the characters. You provide enough characterization as is expected for a first leg of a fic, but it's enough to establish that something is going on. The girl is competent and cautious, someone who functions on instinct and who's seen pretty rough times (considering she's sleeping under a bridge and all). This would mean she'd be an interesting character to follow through a political intrigue story. Meanwhile, the other guy's a ****ing ninja. Literally a ****ing ninja. That's all that really needs to be said about him to make him interesting. As for Organization XIII the black cloaks who are not Spectres, as far as a reader can tell, they're at least psychotic. The question is how psychotic and how organized are they going to be if they're going to be our main villains? It's a question that could potentially satisfy a sadistic reader (read: me).

In other words, while the rest might need polishing and while the plot has yet to unfold, what's gotten me curious enough to read on? The characters.

Long story short, it was all right in my view but not quite as exciting as I'd hoped, sorry to say. And I'm sorry I'm not your other reviewers, but I'm certain you've been around the FF&W long enough to know I hate it when reviewers BS an author (even if that author is me, incidentally).

 

[Citrinin]

You know, JX Valentine, I've always been in awe of your ability to write such insightful and helpful reviews. They're always thoroughly stimulating and I always emerge feeling like a better writer.

Let's start off with the nitpicks to get them out of the way. One of the most jarring thing I've found in your work is actually the smallest: the comma.

This is, and always has been, my greatest grammatical nemesis. x_x; As a general rule, my commas often match where I would pause in spoken English. Unfortunately (as you alluded to earlier) I speak like William Shatner a bit. XD;

Thanks for describing the rule, by the way. I feel like I've heard it before but that really helped to reinforce it. :)

While technically not grammatically incorrect, it's still not a particularly good practice to mix third-person perspective with second-person pronouns because the "you" in this sentence (i.e., the reader) can't tell because they aren't actually there, looking at the people. "One" is a slightly better substitute because it serves as a vague pronoun that could mean a lot of things, but that still doesn't stop the sentence itself from having an unfavorable slant.

Yes, this does make sense. I'll change it.

What I mean by that is probably best explained with a borrowed term. Have you ever heard of the term "god-modding"? It's a phrase in roleplaying circles that can refer to the act of one player forcing another player's characters to take a particular action. For example, if Suzie played Henry's characters without his permission, that would be god-modding. It's the same concept in literature. Rather than present the reader with an image, you're forcing them to process it a certain way. So, instead of letting us come to the conclusion that some of them didn't live around the area by simply showing us a few people displaying nervous tics in a crowd, you're actually forcing us to zoom in on them. Not exactly a comfortable feeling for the reader.

Just to be clear, are you suggesting that changing "you" to "one" is sufficient, or that the entire sentence should be done in an indirect way? By an indirect way, I mean simply noting the nervous tics and reinforcing that time was running out, as opposed to explicitly mentioning that those suffering from said tics don't live around the area?

Tl;dr, it might be better if you specified there instead of settled for an ambiguous pronoun. You could go either way, however, because grammatically, it's fine as it is. The problem is more in implicit meaning, which in turn means that some readers will probably be fine if you left it like this.

The ambiguity here was intentional; I didn't want to let on at that point exactly what I meant.

First, beware of redundancy. You do this a couple of other times in this chapter, but unlike the commas, that's not something I can just explain away with general tips. In this case, while "concrete" literally refers to the material, it's usually understood as actually being pavement.

It... is? This may be a dialect difference, but I don't recall anybody ever describing it as actually being the pavement, except perhaps when someone falls on it. o.o;

Second, unless you have something sewn into the hem, cloaks don't normally scrape.

Good point; that was poor word choice on my part. I'm going to change it to "brushed".

Beware of misplaced modifiers. Right now, you don't specify what "it" actually is, so the phrase will end up referring to the first noun of the sentence before it. As a result, you're not referring to the girl's sleep. You're actually referring to either the city or the girl herself (the latter with the attached implication that you've used the wrong pronoun).

First, it seems a little jarring that you spend the entirety of the prologue in the past tense, but this sentence is in the present. While it's generally a given (although there's some examples that might say otherwise about this kind of culture), you'll want to remain in the past tense for the sake of consistency.

Second, you'll want to avoid slang terminology like "living the dream." It causes your narration to have a kind of slant that implies that the narrator is actually a character in the story because you're giving it a voice. It's not an objective bystander but rather, in this case, sardonic. In some cases, things like this might be slightly narmy because you're trying to make the reader focus on the action of the scene, rather than feel as if they're being told the story by another character. That and the tone this kind of thing evokes is usually in instances where the story isn't meant to be full of serious business in the first place.

I was unsure about that entire sentence, to be honest. I'll change it to fit the more consistent approach of the objective, serious narrator.

Wouldn't she fall over, considering she was abruptly paralyzed just as she was attempting to bound away?

D'oh. I imagined that happen in my head but didn't write it down. The perils of rereading your own work, I guess. >_<;

In general, yes. There's such a thing as adding too many descriptors. Be careful with your word choice and think carefully about what you have in your mind to figure out the minimum number of words that would be necessary to describe it. Never put down a word that doesn't absolutely have to be in a scene. It will stick out, no matter what else happens in the fic.

This makes sense. I'll rework the sentence to be less wordy.

What I'm saying is that it would make more sense and improve the flow of this paragraph if you dropped the first period. You actually won't be sacrificing much in terms of suspense because, well, she's immobilized, so you can't get much more suspenseful than that anyway. That and if it functions as its own paragraph, you get pretty much the same effect.

Yes, I agree. I'll merge the two sentences.

Comma, not a semicolon. Put it this way: if you replace the semicolon with a period, will you get two separate sentences as a result? Semicolons are mostly used to marry two independent clauses that are closely related; fragments aren't these.

Whoops. x_x; *fixes*

Don't be too dependent on using the comma-dependent technique to add more to a sentence. In some cases (like this one), attempting to add a dependent clause just before the conjunction of a compound sentence causes the second independent clause to seem out of place. As in, you spend all that time talking about half of the sentence, and right when the reader expects a period, you go on to talk about something else.

I think I see what you mean. It may take a bit of practice (and a few good thwhacks with the newspaper) to wean myself off this descriptive practice, though. In the meantime, I'll fix that sentence.

First tip here is you'll want an "it" after "but." While I realize the "ready to deliver a counterattack" is another parenthetical, the comma that comes after it implies that you're leading into another compound sentence. (Alternatively, you could drop the parenthetical to avoid having to use commas.)

Second, you'll need another "it" at the end. While I'm not too picky about the entire "don't end a sentence with a preposition" rule (because that's how most people speak and write anyway), there's some prepositions that just need something after it to answer whatever question it's posing. In this case, that question would be, "Behind what?"

Thanks. :) *fixes*

Ironically, while your descriptions of attacks aren't that bad, your battles could use a little work. I say "ironically" because your problem here is like the opposite version of what I usually see happening with young writers. That is, most of the time, I deal with authors whose problem is the other way around: they have the names of the characters involved but absolutely no attack description.

Gah. >_< Battles have always been a weak point for me, so I've been trying to improve my battle descriptions. Evidently, I forgot to stay strong on the basics, as well. I'll rework this battle so that it's less ambiguous.

(That part felt a bit strange as well, by the way. If the newcomer didn't want the girl to get tortured and whatnot, why didn't he actually come in to defend her while the battle was happening? I mean, considering the fact that the girl had the cloaked figure and the Gengar distracted as it was, it probably would have been the perfect time to strike, which would presumably leave the Gengar confused and without a trainer. Or distracted long enough for the girl to leave a finishing blow. Assuming, at least, that this would follow a logical sequence of events.)

That makes sense. I suppose I resorted to it as a clutch, because I often find it very difficult to write about simultaneous events. It would make more sense to have the Air Slash and the leap happen at the same time, though. I'll try to rewrite it to say that without tripping over myself. XD;

Because the list is actually in the present tense (and assuming they're not capturing this kid and torturing her for a reason that they have before doing so), this part will need to be in the present tense as well.

This makes sense. I'll fix it. ^^

you expect us just to swallow that there's a curfew here without really establishing the fact that the government is completely different compared to that of the Pokémon world we're used to seeing.

While I fully intend to explain what happened later, I don't see why a reason for the tyranny needs to be given at the beginning. I realise that I did it that way the first time around, but, does it really take away from the fic if I wait? This method was more a way for me to show the dictatorship in action, even if only on a localised example.

Air Cutter

Why why why did I think it was Air Slash? D: *changes*

I'm talking about describing as much as possible the levels of violence these Pokémon are going through in order to help the reader imagine the kinds of pain and reactions they're experiencing.

This makes total sense. I'll change this to make it (hopefully) more effective.

but what makes it decent for me isn't so much the battling or what transpires in this prologue as it is the characters.

This is, and probably will continue to be, what the focus is on. Like you, I think I get given faaar too much credit as a writer, but one thing I have always considered myself good at is making interesting characters.

It's a question that could potentially satisfy a sadistic reader (read: me).

If this story is headed where I'm planning it to head, a sadistic reader should be fairly satisfied by the end.

 

[Sgt Shock]

I'm going to review this like I have never seen you before in my life, Citrinin. I have realized that I haven't been giving reviews like I want to receive. I'm going to try to get as deep into the positives as well as the negatives of the post. It's completely unrealistic for me to just be positively partial of you even if you are my closest friend. I want to see you improve so I am going to try my best to point out anything that I found confusing, needs working on, etc. I know you won't hate me for it. :D Let's begin.

I am not even going to go through the grammar. I'm not the best myself so throwing stones into a glass house just won't work.

For the most part the introduction serves its purpose well. It has the ability to draw the people in. But I have learned to give the readers a name to associate the happenings with first. Using pronouns weakens the arcane brilliance. It just feels like an experienced reader can recognize that you became bit repetitive using "she couldn't see", "she reached for the Pokeball", etc. It just feels like an experience reader will feel like they are being barraged. That's more of preference towards me. I would personally use features to bring out the character in paragraph. Though we know who you are talking about, I'm not sure everyone will.

The battle was slightly rushed. It's good the first chapter had action (I'm for that) but you can tell that battle scenes aren't as strong of a point as the rest of your writing. Try to visualize the battle in phases. What do you want happen in the beginning, the middle, and the end? What will drive the reader to keep reading through the various pieces of action? Let it be something that you would watch. For me, I like watching a healthy battle scene so I my battle scenes to be rather lengthy.

In terms of description, I liked the way that you explained everyone portion of the girl gradually. I've been drilling through people's head (even on my own) that you do not have to put in a block just to describe a character. The description of how the battle went could have been more dynamic. Not that it wasn't good read—but, opposed to your other writings—it looks weaker.

Pokemon can be a darker fan fiction despite how it is viewed to public naturally. The concept of it being more ruthless is something worth having in a fan fiction. Just remember in future chapters, don't let it get too dark without lightening the mood. As friend said to me, "there is always room for comedy". Don't alienate a reader because they are overwhelmed.

That concludes much of my review. I will continue to review each character and each plot device much in the way that I have now. I want reviews like this so I'm trying to give them out as well.

Good luck, Citrinin and it is good to have you back.

 

[Citrinin]

I'm going to review this like I have never seen you before in my life, Citrinin. I have realized that I haven't been giving reviews like I want to receive. I'm going to try to get as deep into the positives as well as the negatives of the post. It's completely unrealistic for me to just be positively partial of you even if you are my closest friend. I want to see you improve so I am going to try my best to point out anything that I found confusing, needs working on, etc. I know you won't hate me for it.

Absolutely not. :D In fact, when you can tell me what I did wrong, I can improve; not only will I not hate you for it, it's actually a positive thing. It's always nice to hear that you did well, of course, but it's better to hear the blunt, honest truth.

I am not even going to go through the grammar. I'm not the best myself so throwing stones into a glass house just won't work.

Does this mean that you found no grammatical errors, or that you think you found some but you aren't sure? If it's the latter, you should tell me anyway; like I said to Eliminator Jr., the worst case scenario is that you're wrong and you get to improve on your grammar. I'm certainly no expert and I correct people's grammar all the time in reviews. ^~^

It just feels like an experience reader will feel like they are being barraged.

That's because they are. This effect is entirely intentional. Of course, if it's excessive or tiresome, that's a problem. Do you think it went past its limit?

I would personally use features to bring out the character in paragraph.

Could you elaborate on this a bit more? Do you mean personality, physical features, or both?

The battle was slightly rushed.

Short and sweet was what I was aiming for, but not rushed. In my experience, my battle scenes tend to be rewritten several times after being rallied by reviewers to do so (unfortunately, I think they get tired of correcting me on them.) Could you please elaborate on how it was rushed?

Just remember in future chapters, don't let it get too dark without lightening the mood.

You're right, of course. But, in this story, comedy is only appropriate when it comes from the characters, and the nature of this scene made it virtually impossible to have the characters doing anything to lighten the mood.

I will continue to review each character and each plot device much in the way that I have now.

I look forward to them. :D

Good luck, Citrinin and it is good to have you back.

Thanks. :D

 

[Sgt Shock]

Does this mean that you found no grammatical errors, or that you think you found some but you aren't sure? If it's the latter, you should tell me anyway; like I said to Eliminator Jr., the worst case scenario is that you're wrong and you get to improve on your grammar. I'm certainly no expert and I correct people's grammar all the time in reviews. ^~^

I probably found some but I wasn't confident in pointing the out rather. I'm not the best writer grammatically, so pointing out grammar mistakes could in turn just make me look retarded.

That's because they are. This effect is entirely intentional. Of course, if it's excessive or tiresome, that's a problem. Do you think it went past its limit?

Could you elaborate on this a bit more? Do you mean personality, physical features, or both?

I think you pushed the limit of the pronouns a bit much. When I am introducing a mysterious character (either one that doesn't have a name or a person that I don't reveal right now) I use physical features mostly.

Example:

"The oak haired girl tugged the sheets closely to her chin. She didn't want the monsters scraping at her window to know that she was alive."

You see what I'm getting at.

Short and sweet was what I was aiming for, but not rushed. In my experience, my battle scenes tend to be rewritten several times after being rallied by reviewers to do so (unfortunately, I think they get tired of correcting me on them.) Could you please elaborate on how it was rushed?

I think it was more of preference thing towards me. I can ramble about a page on battle while some people like hitting the main points. All in all, I don't think that you will be able to satisfy both parts. Just find a battle style that can bring out the main point of the battle by being as descriptive as possible. It can still be short and intense at the same time.

You're right, of course. But, in this story, comedy is only appropriate when it comes from the characters, and the nature of this scene made it virtually impossible to have the characters doing anything to lighten the mood.

I think I displayed thought wrong. There is times where comedy isn't
appropriate. You just need some to lighten the mood here and there.

I look forward to them. :D

I like writing reviews. >_< I just been slack lately. Any time. :D

 

[Citrinin]

I probably found some but I wasn't confident in pointing the out rather. I'm not the best writer grammatically, so pointing out grammar mistakes could in turn just make me look retarded.

If you feel uncomfortable pointing them out in a public place, you can always PM them to me. :3

I think you pushed the limit of the pronouns a bit much. When I am introducing a mysterious character (either one that doesn't have a name or a person that I don't reveal right now) I use physical features mostly.

Example:

"The oak haired girl tugged the sheets closely to her chin. She didn't want the monsters scraping at her window to know that she was alive."

You see what I'm getting at.

Aaaaah... now that those two points are seen together, I can see what you mean. As that problem is more systemic, I'll have to look into it and see where it's appropriate to substitute descriptions for pronouns.

I think it was more of preference thing towards me. I can ramble about a page on battle while some people like hitting the main points. All in all, I don't think that you will be able to satisfy both parts. Just find a battle style that can bring out the main point of the battle by being as descriptive as possible. It can still be short and intense at the same time.

On one hand, you're saying it's about personal preference, suggesting you just don't like short battles. On another, you're saying that they can be done well. Which would make mine fit in the category of "short but not done well". XD; Which is perfectly fine, of course; I guess I just want specific feedback on it so I can fix this longstanding weakness of mine. Even as I write the battles I feel like they come out awkward. :S

I think I displayed thought wrong. There is times where comedy isn't
appropriate. You just need some to lighten the mood here and there.

Are you perhaps speaking in anticipation of some later chapters, knowing full well that I can write thousands of words of misery without pause? ^_^; That was brought to my attention at some point when I was writing it the first time; I can't remember where, but I remember taking pretty much immediate notice when I realised how doom-and-gloom it could be seen as.

 

[Sgt Shock]

On one hand, you're saying it's about personal preference, suggesting you just don't like short battles. On another, you're saying that they can be done well. Which would make mine fit in the category of "short but not done well". XD; Which is perfectly fine, of course; I guess I just want specific feedback on it so I can fix this longstanding weakness of mine. Even as I write the battles I feel like they come out awkward. :S

There is where my indecisiveness comes into play. For me, I think that you need to be more descriptive in your battle scenes. That could correlate into my thought that the thought that battle scenes could be more expansive. So let me go with this. If it feels awkward to you, expand on it. :D

Are you perhaps speaking in anticipation of some later chapters, knowing full well that I can write thousands of words of misery without pause? ^_^; That was brought to my attention at some point when I was writing it the first time; I can't remember where, but I remember taking pretty much immediate notice when I realised how doom-and-gloom it could be seen as.

Maybe. lol. I have a bad habit myself of writing a scene and directly something after that something else terrible happens. Try to give the reader a break when a break is deserved.

 

[Citrinin]

For me, I think that you need to be more descriptive in your battle scenes.

Could you please tell me where in particular I'm not being descriptive enough?

Maybe. lol. I have a bad habit myself of writing a scene and directly something after that something else terrible happens. Try to give the reader a break when a break is deserved.

Yeah, I'm heading into this fic with that aim. Because of the generally horrific settings that I throw my characters into, it can sometimes be hard, but I'll take the opportunities where I can. :3

 

[Sgt Shock]

"What the hell did you do to my hands?"

The Mean Look attack explained why her legs failed when she tried to flee, but not why she found both her hands firmly rooted to the spot.

Here is a good example. I would like to see how your take on Mean Look loos like. For me, the pokemon's eyes flash a different color and a ghostly grip takes a hold of what they are looking at. Explain what the attack looks like because it is interesting for the reader to see the concept that you took on each attack.

"Psychic," commanded the face inside the hood.

Gengar leapt upwards, raising its arms toward the diving Crobat. The Crobat was stopped mid-air and squealed in pain, its innards being twisted unnaturally. It flapped pathetically in the air, squealing in agony, before Gengar finally tossed it to the ground. In a vicious, angry flip, Gengar regained height and shot into the air.

"Air Cutter!"

Crobat's wings moved at blink-and-you-miss-it speed, mustering up another razor-sharp burst of wind It was close: some air hit the ground, ripping up the grass below. But another portion of the attack sliced Gengar's legs, causing it to howl in pain as it collapsed to the ground.

See, you explained this one much more in detail than you did the mean look. You had action, you had motion. EVERYTHING. :D Try to mimic most to all of the more extravagant attacks like this. Of course, you don't need to get into massive details about Razor Leaf (come on guys, you know what Razor Leaf looks like) yet Magical Leaf could change depending on the outlook. Just keep in mind.


Other that thank I think I proved my point. Keep the attacks as interactive as possible. :D Don't assume that the reader knows what the attack looks like all of the time. Water gun, Razor Leaf, Flamethrower are kind of duh. While Spite, Curse, etc. can really be grounds for creative thought.

 

[Nudge]

Omg! Citrinin's back with HWIMAR!
It's AllTimeLow1 (now Nudge) probably don't remember me but I used to read the original version of this fic.

Loved the Prologue, won't give a full review as there has already been one but I can't wait for the first chapter :D

Can I be put on the PM list please?

 

[Eliminator Jr.]

I enjoyed your story Citri_ oh right, can't leave a post that isn't fully fledged review. Sorry.

Crobat's wings moved at blink-and-you-miss-it speed, mustering up another razor-sharp burst of wind It was close: some air hit the ground, ripping up the grass below.

Should be a full stop (or period, depending on what you call them) after wind and before It.

Don't give him the "I'm too scared to look at your grammar" crap because you're failing at delivering what he wants, especially if you actually are capable of leaving a grammatical review.

I gave him that response because, I don't know, maybe I'm actually not that good at grammar? The thing is, I'm not capable of leaving a grammatical review. I can point out things that look kind of weird or say "hey that's present tense and I think it's meant to be past tense" but I have never used the term "independent clause" in my entire life. Not everybody knows what a fragment or compound sentence is.

I'm acknowledging his work and letting him know that it keeps me interested and I enjoy reading it. Since when has an author not appreciated a compliment for their work, even when it comes without much critique (except maybe you)?

Please don't be. :3 Worst case scenario, you're wrong, nobody holds it against you, and you learn something new. Best case, you're right, I learn something new, and my fic improves as a result.

That makes sense. As in I didn't want to offer advice for two reasons, the first being that my grammar advice is incorrect and I in turn become the village grammar-retard, and the second being that you take my incorrect advice and in turn ruin something that was actually correct in your story. But your explanation makes good sense, next time I see something I'll point it out.

Look. It's Citrinin, yes. That doesn't mean you have to back down from attempting to look at the grammar or find something to point out. If you'd do it for me, there's no reason why you shouldn't do it for him.

I hate it when reviewers BS an author (even if that author is me, incidentally).

Did you consider that I might actually like his story? The fact that Citrinin's writing the story makes no difference to how I see it. If I thought it was crap and he needed to improve I would have said so. He's far beyond the point I am when it comes to writing so perhaps I'm just not as good as finding things I don't like with his fan fiction.

***

Anyway JX, I'm not going to be a loser and not take anything out of what you said. I'll try and give more in depth reviews to Citrinin (and other people) from now on, mainly because of the fact that it is more useful to him than simply knowing I enjoy his writing. But I still don't think I, or anyone else for that matter, should be criticized for just letting the author know that his work is being read and enjoyed. If I was writing a fan fiction I'd prefer somebody to post a short message like that than to say nothing at all. I certainly wouldn't crucify them for it, anyway. You remind me of Dr. Cox off Scrubs for some reason, but without the secretly caring about my welfare part.
​

And, in fact, you are right. Those are independent clauses I was connecting, so it should have been a semicolon. Thanks for pointing that out. :)

Uhh.. yeah, no problems. That's exactly what your problem was, you were connecting independent clauses with a snakebite, not a semicolon. I knew that. ... :D

***

As for your story, your description in the first paragraph was great, and you really created a nice feel for the setting. Like JX said in her review, for someone who hasn't read the old version of your story you're not giving much information other than the region is like a dystopia and is probably ruled by a totalitarian government. There wasn't mention of the government's structure or how stuff works in this story, whereas in the last story it was made a lot clearer, so I found myself for some of the prologue being a little confused trying to remember how the story went. Either way, this can be cleared up in later chapters when you mention the Oligarchy (if you haven't changed that part of your story, that is), as if you explained everything now the prologue would probably be too full and would lose its suspense. The mystery in your prologue produces the suspense but it also gives confusion to the reader (or to me, at least). I'm not quite sure as to how you'd go with fixing it. Either way, I really liked the "faceless people everywhere rushed back to their houses". Faceless people created a sense of loneliness and further demonstrated how unhappy life in this city is, and how the people returned to houses, not homes. You've dehumanized the inhabitants of Cronine City and that worked terrific.

I can't really pick apart anything else in your story in as much depth as above, but I will mention that it was a bit confusing keeping a track of who was who. As in, which pokémon belonged to the girl and which belonged to the rescuer. The attacker had the gengar, that much was known, but it took me a couple of reads to go back and figure out whether the Crobat was the girl's or her rescuer's and who was saying each command.

The other thing is in the second last paragraph, the guy says "you had a much more dangerous thing after you" or something along those lines. Now I know with character's speech many rules don't apply as it could just be the actual character not knowing their past and present tense, but if this dangerous thing is still coming after her and they have to hurry to escape, wouldn't he be saying "you have a much more dangerous thing after you"?

***

Anyway, again, I really enjoyed what you've written so far. Don't get injured again any time soon :P
​

 

[JX Valentine]

You know, JX Valentine, I've always been in awe of your ability to write such insightful and helpful reviews. They're always thoroughly stimulating and I always emerge feeling like a better writer.

*bows*

This is, and always has been, my greatest grammatical nemesis. x_x;

Honestly, commas mess up everyone unless you happen to have had them drilled into your head repeatedly. If it helps, this thread should have a guide that lists off comma rules. (Of them, this one seems to be the best for learning, but OWL's got exercises to use as target practice.) All you've got to do is sit down, read it over, and figure out which ones give you the hardest time. Those ones are the ones you'll want to drill into your head, although I'd really recommend trying to remember all of them if you can.

Unfortunately, commas are pretty much those kinds of things that are weird and trip everyone up and can only be kept straight if you just know the basics, so that's about the best advice I could give you on that regard.

Thanks for describing the rule, by the way. I feel like I've heard it before but that really helped to reinforce it. :)

No problem. Like I said, commas suck, but they're a necessary evil. But hey, helping other writers keep the rules straight's part of why people post on a writing community.

Just to be clear, are you suggesting that changing "you" to "one" is sufficient, or that the entire sentence should be done in an indirect way? By an indirect way, I mean simply noting the nervous tics and reinforcing that time was running out, as opposed to explicitly mentioning that those suffering from said tics don't live around the area?

Sorry for the confusion. I was actually encouraging you to experiment. Switching "you" with "one" would be enough to get rid of that second-person glitch, but some readers might see the sentence as still being a bit vague. (The entire god-modding analogy was more towards why you shouldn't use second person in a third-person fic.) You could try it that way to see if it feels right to you, but if it still feels like it has that god-modding tone to it, you'll want to give it a rewrite.

The ambiguity here was intentional; I didn't want to let on at that point exactly what I meant.

Fair enough. It could still fly either way.

It... is? This may be a dialect difference, but I don't recall anybody ever describing it as actually being the pavement, except perhaps when someone falls on it. o.o;

In that case, if no one in your country says "cement" and keeps it at that, it probably is a regional difference. Feel free to ignore that point.

D'oh. I imagined that happen in my head but didn't write it down. The perils of rereading your own work, I guess. >_<;

XD Don't worry. Happens to the best of us.

Gah. >_< Battles have always been a weak point for me, so I've been trying to improve my battle descriptions. Evidently, I forgot to stay strong on the basics, as well. I'll rework this battle so that it's less ambiguous.

Good luck.

Concerning battle descriptions, it might be a strange bit of advice, but if you can, find a forum with an Anime-Style Battling League. (Off the top of my head, I know Serebii, The Cave of Dragonflies, Bulbagarden, PE2K, Pokemasters, and the place in my sig all have a variation of one.) An ASB is a forum-based game where members battle each other by submitting orders to a ref, who then describes how the battle goes down. The reason why I suggest this is because battling wasn't much of a strong point for me, either, until I joined one of these leagues and practiced writing about battles practically every week as a result of it. I can't say my battles are the best ever, but I really feel like I've improved by doing it. When you ref, battlers depend on you to describe what's going on in as much detail as possible because anything can sway a match. Granted, this helps you out with describing Pokémon attacks, but if you're a particularly good ref on a league that encourages shenanigans, you'll take into account that everything on a field is liable of being caught up in the action, trainers included.

As for working on getting the trainers involved as well, roleplaying might help with that. A lot of games focus on the interaction between multiple characters, so you end up having to be conscious of where your character is at all times, just in case Hell decides to break loose during a scene with someone.

In other words, forum games. They're awesome opportunities to practice. b)'')b

While I fully intend to explain what happened later, I don't see why a reason for the tyranny needs to be given at the beginning. I realise that I did it that way the first time around, but, does it really take away from the fic if I wait? This method was more a way for me to show the dictatorship in action, even if only on a localised example.

Fair enough. That part was mostly just my own rambling opinion of things, so it could work this way as well.

Why why why did I think it was Air Slash? D: *changes*

Because it probably could have been. Sorry about that. XD; (Force of habit, really, after watching one too many wild Golbat use Air Cutter on my team while training. Crobat can also learn Air Slash at a higher level, but for some reason, even taking this into consideration, I misread that part as "Cutter" instead of "Slash." It probably won't make too much of a difference which one you use, considering both can be described as blades of air. The difference is that Cutter has a higher crit hit, whereas Slash could potentially make the target flinch. So, you'd probably get slightly different reactions out of Gengar, depending on how lucky you wanted that girl to be and how you'd go about describing a flinch or massive damage on a ghost.)

And that's the end of me rambling after I actually went and looked things up.

but one thing I have always considered myself good at is making interesting characters.

I'd just like to take the time and repeat that you created a flipping ninja, so I'm inclined to support this statement completely.

won't give a full review as there has already been one

ಠ_ಠ

You do realize that offering a few lines that refer to a specific point in the fic and describing why you think it's awesome still counts as a full review, yes?

Edit: To respond...

I gave him that response because, I don't know, maybe I'm actually not that good at grammar? The thing is, I'm not capable of leaving a grammatical review.

Who said you had to leave a full-on grammatical review? I don't get PC sometimes, you know? People keep thinking that a review is ripping apart a story completely from the start to the finish and pointing out every grammatical error it's got. No, it's not. Reviewers who have been looking at fics for years do that because they have the experience to know what to look for, but that doesn't mean that everyone has to do it. In fact, I honestly wouldn't recommend doing that kind of thing to people who know that grammar for exactly the reason you've mentioned. However, you can still point out plot, characterization, use of imagery, et cetera. It's as simple as telling an author what about the fic you liked and coming up with a point or two that pushes your review beyond a general "this is great" statement. A chapter should be able to have one or two images that stick out in your mind, things that you can say to an author, "But you were especially great here, here, and here." If you can't come up with a few things that stuck out more than others... well, that should tell you why some authors (and not simply yours truly) aren't particularly fond of that kind of review.

You don't even have to be that detailed about it when you sit down to tell an author about what you thought of those points. In fact, this is what can qualify as a decent review:

I think your story's pretty cool. Your characters especially are excellent. I love that part where that guy jumped completely out of nowhere and jammed that syringe into the cloaked guy's neck. That REALLY got my adrenaline pumping. And the girl? She looks pretty cool. I loved how she was able to think on her feet enough to fend for herself after this ambush. If these are the kinds of characters and the kinds of happenings I'll be seeing throughout your fic, it can only be awesome.

That's it. That's also about three lines long. However, it mentions something specific about what went on about the chapter and showed us that you're not just here to give Citrinin a half-hearted attempt at reading his work just because you're excited that he's back.

Since when has an author not appreciated a compliment for their work, even when it comes without much critique (except maybe you)?

Actually, a lot of experienced authors look down on this kind of thing but don't say a word about it because it's not polite. There's even a rule against one-liner praise reviews in one of the few stickies we've got (Near the bottom of the FF&W forum rules. Note that the word "constructive" isn't followed by "criticism."), and the entire Project Max Revive that went on not too long ago was an attempt to steer reviewers away from this kind of behavior because it just doesn't help an author. (Yes, even constructive praise helps because it gives a writer feedback on what they did right so they can keep doing it.)

Did you consider that I might actually like his story?

The point was that it's not fair to an author because you can't sit down and tell him something specific about his work, an act that only takes about five minutes to do.

 

[Swift!]

Crobat's wings moved at blink-and-you-miss-it speed, mustering up another razor-sharp burst of wind. It was close: some air hit the ground, ripping up the grass below. But another portion of the attack sliced Gengar's legs, causing it to howl in pain as it collapsed to the ground.

See that full stop between 'wind' and 'It'? Yeah, you don't have one there.

Other than that there's really nothing more I can say about the grammar that hasn't already been said.

I love the way you set the mood of a scene and how you describe almost all aspects so cleanly, it really paints a picture in my head. Really, you are a great writer and I know you'll only get better in the future. Keep up the good work, buddy. :)

 

[Citrinin]

Omg! Citrinin's back with HWIMAR!
It's AllTimeLow1 (now Nudge) probably don't remember me but I used to read the original version of this fic.

Of course I remember you. I remember all my active readers. :D

Loved the Prologue, won't give a full review as there has already been one but I can't wait for the first chapter :D

There's been something of a revolution in this forum (and perhaps in this thread?) as of late. While I thank you for the compliment, it would be helpful if you could explain in just a little detail what you did like and what you didn't like. ^_^;

Can I be put on the PM list please?

Sure thing. :)

Should be a full stop (or period, depending on what you call them) after wind and before It.

D'oh!

That makes sense. As in I didn't want to offer advice for two reasons, the first being that my grammar advice is incorrect and I in turn become the village grammar-retard, and the second being that you take my incorrect advice and in turn ruin something that was actually correct in your story. But your explanation makes good sense, next time I see something I'll point it out.

I'm thinking that perhaps we need some kind of grammar sandbox thread in the Writer's Lounge, where people can propose corrections that they're not sure of and people can come in and confirm or shoot down those corrections.

As for your story, your description in the first paragraph was great, and you really created a nice feel for the setting. Like JX said in her review, for someone who hasn't read the old version of your story you're not giving much information other than the region is like a dystopia and is probably ruled by a totalitarian government.

Hmmm, interesting that a second person comes in to say this. Why do I need to focus on the global effect, as opposed to a localised effect, first? My main decision behind this prologue was to introduce the tyranny bottom-up, as opposed to top-down. Do you think this is ineffective?

Either way, this can be cleared up in later chapters when you mention the Oligarchy (if you haven't changed that part of your story, that is),

This will be happening. :)

Faceless people created a sense of loneliness and further demonstrated how unhappy life in this city is, and how the people returned to houses, not homes. You've dehumanized the inhabitants of Cronine City and that worked terrific.

Thanks. :D I liked that sentence, too. ^_^

Honestly, commas mess up everyone unless you happen to have had them drilled into your head repeatedly. If it helps, this thread should have a guide that lists off comma rules. (Of them, this one seems to be the best for learning, but OWL's got exercises to use as target practice.) All you've got to do is sit down, read it over, and figure out which ones give you the hardest time. Those ones are the ones you'll want to drill into your head, although I'd really recommend trying to remember all of them if you can.

Thanks for that. ^-^

Sorry for the confusion. I was actually encouraging you to experiment. Switching "you" with "one" would be enough to get rid of that second-person glitch, but some readers might see the sentence as still being a bit vague. (The entire god-modding analogy was more towards why you shouldn't use second person in a third-person fic.) You could try it that way to see if it feels right to you, but if it still feels like it has that god-modding tone to it, you'll want to give it a rewrite.

I changed it, and I think I thoroughly removed the god-modding tone. :) It's something I'll keep in mind for later chapters, because I have a feeling that I may have done this a few times in my writing last time round.

See that full stop between 'wind' and 'It'? Yeah, you don't have one there.

Dammit. XD; *fixes*

I love the way you set the mood of a scene and how you describe almost all aspects so cleanly, it really paints a picture in my head. Really, you are a great writer and I know you'll only get better in the future. Keep up the good work, buddy. :)

Thanks. ^_^

Also, as a general note to everyone: I really appreciate your support, both for me personally and for this story. It's times like these that it becomes incredibly clear why I love this place so much. :D