[Other Original] Hide and Seek

[Santalune Forest]

Ladies and gents, I present to you: a story that took me like 10 minutes to make and then an absurd amount of time to edit. I rather like it, so here ya go. -Santalune

This was the most important pre-school game Simon had ever participated in, even if he wasn't five years old. He walked as fast as he could through the freezing rain. Searching frantically around the playground, Simon began calling out his little brother's name. "Jason?" he asked the park. All quiet. "Jason?" his voice grew louder now. He hadn't played enough with his little brother in the past, so he had no idea where he would think to hide. "Jason?!" he yelled as loud as he could this time, his voice getting hoarse. He was growing worried.
He investigated the monkey bars, then the sandbox, and then finally a plastic red and yellow slide. He could've sworn he saw something under the tiny slide, so he cautiously moved closer to get a better look. Sitting in the shadow of the playground equipment was Simon's five year old brother, soaking wet from the rain. In his hands, he was clutching a small wooden box.
"…Jason?" he asked, quieter now, almost a whisper.
The boy looked up at his brother urgently, as if he was about to ask an incredibly important question. Simon just hugged him. "It'll be okay."

 

[Bay]

Hi! Decided to check this out and to give a few pointers!

Want to mention first off when posting in internet sites it's recommended you double space after each paragraph as sometimes when posting online indenting doesn't format well. Something to consider!

This was the most important pre-school game Simon had ever participated in; even if he wasn't five years old.

Replace semi-colon with coma.

There was one part where you have Simon calling out his brother's name, which I think should be into two paragraphs:

This was the most important pre-school game Simon had ever participated in; even if he wasn't five years old. He walked as fast as he could through the freezing rain. Searching frantically around the playground, Simon began calling out his little brother's name. "Jason?" He asked the park. All quiet. "Jason?" he questioned, louder now. He hadn't played enough with his little brother in the past, so he had no idea where he would think to hide. "Jason?!" he yelled this time, his voice hoarse. Simon was getting worried.

Formatting like this would make reading much easier to follow:

This was the most important pre-school game Simon had ever participated in; even if he wasn't five years old. He walked as fast as he could through the freezing rain. Searching frantically around the playground, Simon began calling out his little brother's name.

"Jason?" He asked the park. All quiet. "Jason?" he questioned, louder now. He hadn't played enough with his little brother in the past, so he had no idea where he would think to hide. "Jason?!" he yelled this time, his voice hoarse. Simon was getting worried.

When Simon starts calling out his brother's name that's where I broke it into two paragraphs. The parts I bolded though I feel it's a bit repetitive since you have "he asked the park" earlier. The first bolded part you can take out and leave "louder now" be while second bolded part you can have "his voice grew hoarse from yelling" or something similar. Hope this makes sense!

A part of me does wonder what that box is, but I can understand you wanting to leave that a mystery. Otherwise, this is a very cute short fic!

 

[Santalune Forest]

Hi! Decided to check this out and to give a few pointers!

Want to mention first off when posting in internet sites it's recommended you double space after each paragraph as sometimes when posting online indenting doesn't format well. Something to consider!



Replace semi-colon with coma.

There was one part where you have Simon calling out his brother's name, which I think should be into two paragraphs:



Formatting like this would make reading much easier to follow:

This was the most important pre-school game Simon had ever participated in; even if he wasn't five years old. He walked as fast as he could through the freezing rain. Searching frantically around the playground, Simon began calling out his little brother's name.

"Jason?" He asked the park. All quiet. "Jason?" he questioned, louder now. He hadn't played enough with his little brother in the past, so he had no idea where he would think to hide. "Jason?!" he yelled this time, his voice hoarse. Simon was getting worried.

When Simon starts calling out his brother's name that's where I broke it into two paragraphs. The parts I bolded though I feel it's a bit repetitive since you have "he asked the park" earlier. The first bolded part you can take out and leave "louder now" be while second bolded part you can have "his voice grew hoarse from yelling" or something similar. Hope this makes sense!

A part of me does wonder what that box is, but I can understand you wanting to leave that a mystery. Otherwise, this is a very cute short fic!

Hey! I added your edits as they all seemed to fit. I added a few of my own as well. Thanks for your feedback! (I totally haven't been sitting here in anticipation for someone to reply.)
I actually had a few ideas for what I wanted the box to be (a jewelry box, a toy, etc) but after I finally decided I figured it would be much more fun to let people speculate. That's why it's that vague. There is an answer, and maybe you can figure it out. :P
Thanks again for complimenting the story, it's nice to see that someone enjoyed it.