Okay, I've been beating about the bush long enough with my reviewing, so now that you've made updates, it's time for some in-depth work. *Cracks fingers* Oh, and I'm going to go about this chapter by chapter, because if I process too much in one go I either go blind for mistakes or start seeing them everywhere. So, starting chronologically:
Chapter 1
This is my first Pokemon fan-fic, and it's going to be about a Pokemon journey through Hoenn. There will be normal stuff like collecting Gym Badges, but I'll throw in some interesting stuff.
Okay, upon closer inspection this bit is kind of redundant. Anyone reading the fic will see what it's about, and if it's going to get better then prove it don't say it. I guess you could write that it's the OT (Original Trainer) genre, but a whole paragraph isn't really needed.
Hoenn Adventures: The Pokemon Master Journey
Chapter 1: The Start of a New Journey
Chapter 1: The Start of a New Journey
Your editing seems to have resulted in a double titling, so remove one of those. Also, the naming is a bit generic. You might want to think of something a bit less general or just dispose of the chapter titles alltogether since they're not obligatory.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! The half-red, half-white Pokeball alarm clock sounded and broke the silence in the room.
"Ugh...five more minutes!" moaned the young teenager sleepily as he turned around and slapped his hand on the alarm clock's button to turn off the alarm. He slowly got up from his comfortable bed, revealing his crazy, navy blue bed-head hair. His aqua blue eyes slowly adjusted to the morning light shining in through the window. The boy sluggishly got out of his bed and walked towards the bathroom to take a shower.
About 15 minutes later he got out and opened his closet. He picked out a white shirt, basic blue jeans, and a navy blue vest that matched his hair color. As he was slipping them on, he heard a voice call from downstairs.
Nyu, the description is more fluent now. Good. ^^ This bit could still do with paragraphing (I inserted my suggestions into this quote, in case you didn't notice). Basically, whenever a new unrelated issue pops up it calls for a new paragraph. Same with a new speaker entering a conversation (or starting one up).
Also, half
-red and half
-white both need hiphons and the slash between them should be a comma. Also, the sentence about his eyes could be fused with the one after it, e.g. "As his aqua blue eyes slowly adjusted to the morning light shining in through the window, the boy sluggishly got out of his bed and walked towards the bathroom to take a shower." the less pause you have the smoother the descriptions will become over and done with.
"Aaron! Aaron Parke! You'd better get down here right now mister!"
He shouted back to the voice, "Okay, mom! Jeez! Don't have a cow!" Aaron finished dressing himself, ran out into the hallway outside his room, and rushed down the stairs.
Nyu, we seem to have the beginnings of a personality here. Pretty normal, but it's a start. ^^
"It's about time you got down here!" yelled a voice from the kitchen. The person who said it was a girl about the same size as Aaron, 5' 3'' to be exact. Her dark brown hair still had a few drops of water dripping on her new standard blue vest. Along with that, she wore a plain white T-shirt and a white and blue striped skirt to match her shirt and vest.
The sentence looks kind of chunky description-wise, but not irredeemably so. Besides, don't want to over-complicate a simple scene. This definitely gives a better picture of Alexa than the original.
"Well, we can't all get ready as fast as you, Alexa!" Aaron walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table with her for breakfast. He then made another comment.
The last sentence is redundant. We know that he made another comment because he speaks up again right after it.
"And have you ever heard of a hair dryer?"
"Hey, you-" Alexa started to stir up the argument, but her mother interrupted.
"That's enough, both of you! Just stop bickering. And Aaron, come get your pancakes."
And we have established quibbling...it's a start but what really counts is how you build up on it all. A witty retort from Alexa's side could have been fun, but I'm not sure if she's the type to come up with those. ^^
The reason their mother was preparing a rare, yet satisfying breakfast was to celebrate Aaron and Alexa finally leaving on their Pokemon journey. Aaron's mom thought that they were too young to leave when they were only 10, so she wanted them to wait until they were older. But it was worth the three-day wait. For they were finally free to make their own choices and prove that they have matured. Aaron gobbled down his pancakes in a flash and hurried upstairs to gather his belongings for the journey.
"Boys," Alexa sighed, "So immature." She took a bite of her pancakes, then turned around to look at her mom.
Kind of funny how she's calling fast eating immature just after having complained about how slow he is. Oh well, who says she hast to be fully logical?
"He had to leave early to go help out the professor," she answered as she took away Aaron's dishes, "Professor Birch is a busy man, so he needs someone to help out with the Pokemon."
Meanwhile, up in Aaron's room, Aaron was getting together his clothes and belongings that he would need for the journey. He put them all in a yellow backpack with many different pockets for different items.
Again, a new paragraph would be in order. Aaron gathering his belongings upstairs has nothing to do with what his mum is doing downstairs.
"Okay. I think that's everything," Aaron said as he packed up the last of his things, "Now I'm ready to go!" He headed back down the stairs to the living room and was about to run right out the door.
"Wait right there, young man!" his mom's voice called from the kitchen, "You're not leaving until your sister is ready, too!"
Aaron sighed and turned around. He sat down and picked up a remoter control that was lying around on the floor next to the couch. He turned on the TV, and flicked around the channels until one slightly caught his attention.
Nyu, the end of the first paragraph seems kind of odd to me. You could kind of take part of the second and stick it there instead for better flow, e.g.
Example said:
He headed back down the stairs to the living room and was about to run right out the door when an imperative voice stoped him in his tracks.
"Wait right there, young man!" his mom called from the kitchen, "You're not leaving until your sister is ready, too!"
Okay, so I went kind of poetic with the diction, but you get the point, right? Just one of these small things that makes the narrative run smoother. :3 Also, his mum's speech needs its own paragraph.
"Apparently, Pokemon that usually thrive in such distinct regions as Kanto and Johto have been spotted around Hoenn-" Just then, finally, Alexa came walking down the stairs with a yellow pack strapped around her waist and with a red bandanna tied around her head. And that also caught Aaron's attention.
And this would be your explanation? It works, I guess, although a bit more of a news report style (You know, either descriptions of something happening on the screen or some would-be smart wordplay from the speaker if he's one of those wannabe comedians that the small commercial news channels seem to like). Also, you could do with mentioning who the quotation belongs to (E.g. "Apparently" the news announcer proclaimed, "Pokemon that usually thrive only in such distinct regions as Kanto and Johto...etc."). It's all to prevent reader confusion. ^^
"Well, well," Aaron said to Alexa, "Look who's slow, now."
No comma needed after 'Look who's slow'.
"Don't use that kind of language around here!" her mother replied. Alexa gave Aaron a stingy look. Then Aaron turned off the television, walked over to the coat hanger, and grabbed his red and white cap, and slapped it on his spiky-haired head.
Umm...are you trying to say that Aaron is a naughty word? Because that's the impression I got. o.O Maybe Alexa could have used some kind of childish insult to give her mother a bit more reason to intervene. ^^
"Well, kids, it looks like you're finally leaving for your big Pokemon journey now." She started getting tears in her eyes. She continued, "And you're going to be making your own decisions, and taking up big responsibilities, and...and.." She threw her body over the two siblings and started bawling.
"Oh! Don't go-o-o!"
This time around, I think it could actually work as one paragraph so that their mother doesn't take such huge pauses in her speech. To smooth it out you could also merge the two sentences outside the quote into something like 'her eyes were starting to get teary at this point, but she pressed on'. Y'know, figure something out. Aside from the last part, I could really picture my mum doing this if becoming a trainer was an option in this world. xD So yeah, generic or no you've provided more personality again, which is good.
Aaron whispered to his sister, "I knew this was going to happen." He sighed, and then spoke to his mother.
Nyah, I think having the quotation first and the 'Aaron whispered' bit after would make it more fluent. As it is, I'm kind of struck with this 'what did Aaron whisper?' feeling when I read the first bit, which kind of makes me want to go back and check if I missed a quotation. Of course, such a switch would require merging the out-of-quotation bits, something like 'Aaron whispered to his sister, sighing before he turned to speak with his mother'. I dunno', my fingers are practically itching to stick in an adjective there and exchange the 'mother' which kind of sounds repetitive right after 'sister', but that's just my style so I shall restrain it. *Smacks fingers*
"Mom, you promised to let us leave by the time we were thirteen, and now it's time to let go." Alexa decided to add on as her mother continued to cry and hug her kids.
"Mom, I know it's tough, but you've got to face the fact that we're growing up."
She stopped, sniffled, and wiped a tear from her eye."I know. And I always knew this time would come," she sadly spoke, "Goodbye, kids." She gave them their last hugs and kisses, and finally, let them leave.
Okay, first off, move the 'She stopped, sniffled, and wiped a tear from her eye' down to the paragraph so the things that mother and daughter are doing don't get confused with each other. Second, there are too many 'she's in the last paragraph. I'd suggest replacing the first with something else to indicate the speaker. Also, the middle one needs to be identified (Would I be correct in assuming that it's Alexa?). Also, for someone who just yelled 'don't have a cow' earlier that morning, I must say that Aaron is being quite soft-spoken about this matter. Again, their ways to resolve this situation could have been a way to bring out the differences in the siblings' personalities. Just food for thought in thinking of situations to come.
"Goodbye, mom!" Alexa called to her mother as she walked out the door.
"See ya!" Aaron exclaimed as well.
'As well' doesn't really work here since Alexa didn't say 'see ya!'. It can only be as well if someone else has already done it, you know.
"Goodbye! I don't know when I'll see you again, but I'll always miss you!" She waved goodbye to them, her kids waved back, and she shut the door and turned around. She started to get teary-eyed again, but she was able to hold the tears back.
"Well, they're finally leaving." She stared out the window and watched them leave until they faded away out of her sight.
Again, it's a 'she' overload. Also, for the first sentence, it could use an 'I'll' there, and the 'be missing' seems like a redundantly complex sentence structure when a simple 'miss' would do. Also, the 'They're finally leaving' kind of gives the image that she's happy to be rid of them, which seems weird, so maybe rethink that phrasing? Eh...that could just be me, though.
And that's it for the first revision (In detail), I'll get to the next chapter within the next few days. Oh, and I do agree that agreeing to fight a Wurmple isn't too big a leap for a newly obtained pokemon, except maybe if it's a timd or socieable type who dislikes fighting. Any disobedience here would mostly be of the 'who do you think is in charge here?' kind and that's up to everyone's discretion. But I'll adress that matter in depth when I get that far. Hopefully what I've written here helps you in some way. ^-^
