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I don't know what to do.


Butcher of the Sands
It's been three months since I finished University, another month and I'll have graduated. It was always so simple, there was always a path set out. Go to School, go to High School, go to University, each year it got to this point and each year I didn't see beyond the next. 100-Level, 200-Level and finally 300-Level. After three years I'm done. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to have finished University, glad to have had the opportunity of a higher education.

When my sister graduated, she looked sad so I asked her what was wrong. "You'll understand when you graduate," she said, "it's like this massive abyss has opened up; a whole chunk of your life is over."

I finally understand it now and it scares me. It was always so comfortable being a student, going to classes and working on the weekends. Now all that is gone and despite working full-time, teaching myself guitar, playing video games and roleplaying, I still feel this massive abyss where uni life used to be. Stupidly I put all my eggs in the one basket applying for JET, which at the time I put my all in to make the massive jump, but now I'm stuck as a reserve on the slim chance someone will drop out and I'll take their place.

No matter how much I try to cram things in there to fill it up, it just feels like an endless void. After having such a large part of life directing me, without it I feel lost and don't know what to do. I've found another chance, an agency called Interac that does ALT work as well. But every time I try to write the cover letter, I get writers block as the application just feels wrong. Even my current full time job is only temporary.

The other thing that sucks is my friends. I've left Wellington, where I studied, and moved back home. It sucked to leave all my friends there as they still had another year or two to go, but now moving back home and hanging out with my high school friends, I just don't seem to 'click' with them anymore. I've changed, changed from the person I was around them to something else. I've made so many lifestyle changes that I'm not the person I was three years ago.

For the second time in my life, I genuinely feel lost and don't know what to do.