[Pokémon] If You Hurry, You Might Make It...

[nidorina]

Prestory Notes:
~I do tend to write in bursts. Sometimes I just can't stop, other times I may write only once or twice a month. If I haven't updated in a few weeks, I haven't abandoned. I'm probably busy with school or something.
~I don't know how much I'll be posting before I get SoulSilver. I've never been through the Johto region before, so I don't know a whole lot about it.
~ This story is rated PG-13. Just to be on the safe side. I doubt it really requires that high a rating, hence it not being in the title. No need to fear this story.
~Feel free to comment:)

~Prologue~

There lived a family in Johto. Quite a large family as compared to the typical single child- this family had 5 children. Four boys and one girl. The parents were super protective, and only allowed their children to have one Pokemon, which they had to share. A Jolteon. She was the family pet, and she was adored by everyone.

The family lived in a nice house in the small town of New Bark, where the children went to school and basically just lived good, quiet lives.

But the daughter, the oldest of the five children, she wanted more.
All her life, she'd been super sheltered. And coming up to her 10th birthday, she was so excited. She was finally going to be able to go out on her own- and she would be able to get her own Chikorita and travel the world. Her 10th birthday could NOT come fast enough.

So it came… and it passed.

As usual, her parents ruined her fun. They told her that they wanted her to stay in school for 5 more years, and when she was 15 she could go out in the world.
She was absolutely crushed. She cried for days. Her friends would all be 5 complete years ahead of her in Pokemon training. As usual, she would be the one left behind. Forgotten.

After 4 years, the now nearly 15-year-old girl was forced to wonder if life was even worth it. She felt so alone… and she didn't even have a Pokemon for company. She still wasn't allowed one. All she had was Jolteon, who didn't pay much attention to her anyway. The girl nearly reached her breaking point.

And then, it all changed.



~Chapter One~

"MOM! DAD! COME LOOOOK!!"

Callie heard her little brother calling. She knew that it was probably nothing to get excited over- maybe something funny happening on TV. She rolled over in her bed, facing now away from the door.
She'd been spending a lot of her time in bed nowadays.

There wasn't much for her to do. She thought about crying more-she hated her life. But she'd cried all of her tears out a long time ago. When she had to watch all of her friends leave her. Friends she may never see again thanks to her stupid parents.
Over the course of five years, Callie had gone from sweet little girl to depressed, emotionless teenager. She had wanted, more than anything, to be a Pokemon trainer when she was younger.

Now, she wasn't sure what she wanted.

She heard many excited murmurs now coming from downstairs, and someone called her name. She buried her face in her pillow.
She then heard someone run upstairs and open the door to her room.

"Go away." she moaned.

"But Cal, you gotta see this!!" Her youngest brother, Jonah, said from the door.

"Ugh. Jonah, can't you just tell me?"

"Cal, it's Jolteon!!" Jonah yelped. Then he scrambled back downstairs.
Jolteon? Callie thought.
Now, Callie had never cared much for Jolteon, and Jolteon had never cared much for Callie, either. But being the only Pokemon Callie had ever had, the thought of something being wrong with her was too horrible to imagine.

Callie jumped out of bed and ran downstairs.

"What's wrong with her?" she demanded.

"Oh, Callie, nothing's wrong with her! She's had EGGS!" This was Callie's mother. Both of Callie's parents had seem to have given up on heer long ago, but at least her mother still showed signs of... caring.

"Eggs?" Callie moved in for a closer look.
There, unmistakably, were six brown eggs, each with a beige zig-zag around the middle.

"We're going to have Eevees??" Callie asked, with the first spark of enthusiasm appearing in her voice in years.

"Not exactly." her father said.
Callie's heart dropped.
Her brothers began whining.

"What?" asked the middle brother, Alex.

"We're going to set them free when they hatch. Can you imagine how hard it would be to care for SIX EEVEES?" quipped her father.
"Well, I'm going to be leaving soon on my journey anyway, couldn't I keep one? Please?" Callie asked. She couldn't stand her father anymore. How heartless could you be? Separating poor little Eevees from their family at birth? Did that even make sense?!

"Callie, you know full well that Professor Elm will be providing you with a starter Pokemon. You'll have absolutely no need for an Eevee."

Callie's voice cracked.
"Dad, please… can I at least hatch one? Me and the boys all could…?"

"That's ridiculous."

You're ridiculous, she thought bitterly.
"Dad, Jolteon is also out running around most of the time. Even right now. What if the eggs died before they even hatched?"

"She has a point, dear. I would be upset if all these poor babies died." Her mother took her side for once. And it was about time.

"Well….I guess it would be alright… but no. When they hatch, you need to let them outside and let them be." He always gave into his wife. But why never me? Callie wondered.

Callie picked her egg quickly, before her father could change his mind. It seemed to be the shiniest out of the six. She wrapped it in her arms and jogged up to her room, being careful as to not disturb the egg.

She sat the egg on her bed, and she was surprised to find herself crying. Finally she had her Pokemon, the Pokemon she had dreamed of her whole life. And there was no way she was letting it go.
She knew, for once, that her father was wrong.
She WOULD keep that Eevee.
Even if she was forced to leave it outside, she knew it would come back.
Had her father never heard of baby Pokemon imprinting?;)

 

[Dagzar]

Hi, I'll be your reviewer this evening. I've highlighted mistakes in red and things I want to talk about in bright green. ;)

~Prologue~

There lived a family in Johto. Quite a large family as compared to the typical single child- this family had five children. Four boys and one girl. The parents were super protective, and only allowed their children to have one Pokemon, which they had to share. A Jolteon. She was the family pet, and she was adored by everyone.

When writing, use the actual words instead of numerals. It makes it look more professional. Hence, '5' becomes 'five'.

The family lived in a nice house in the small town of New Bark, where the children went to school and basically just lived good, quiet lives.

But the daughter, the oldest of the five children, she wanted more.
-
All her life, she'd been super sheltered. And coming up to her tenth birthday, she was so excited. She was finally going to be able to go out on her own- and she would be able to get her own Chikorita and travel the world. Her tenth birthday could NOT come fast enough.

So it came… and it passed.

As usual, her parents ruined her fun. They told her that they wanted her to stay in school for five more years, and when she was fifteen she could go out in the world.
She was absolutely crushed. She cried for days. Her friends would all be five complete years ahead of her in Pokemon training. As usual, she would be the one left behind. Forgotten.

After four years, the now nearly fifteen-year-old girl was forced to wonder if life was even worth it. She felt so alone… and she didn't even have a Pokemon for company. She still wasn't allowed one. All she had was Jolteon, who didn't pay much attention to her anyway. The girl nearly reached her breaking point.

And then, it all changed.

I think you could of described this part of Callie's life better. Rather than telling us her parents' are overprotective, why not show us? It wouldn't hurt and it'd help us readers identify with the main character's feelings much better.

~Chapter One~

"MOM! DAD! COME LOOOOK!!"

Callie heard her little brother calling. She knew that it was probably nothing to get excited over- maybe something funny happening on TV. She rolled over in her bed, facing now away from the door.
-
She'd been spending a lot of her time in bed nowadays.

There wasn't much for her to do. She thought about crying more-she hated her life. But she'd cried all of her tears out a long time ago. When she had to watch all of her friends leave her. Friends she may never see again thanks to her stupid parents.
Over the course of five years, Callie had gone from sweet little girl to depressed, emotionless teenager. She had wanted more than anything to be a Pokemon trainer when she was younger.

I may just be nitpicking here, but doesn't her friends have phones so that they can call her? And why exactly does she care so much? Five years is a really long time, especially for a child. Why hasn't she made new friends by now? When I was around ten, I changed schools and left all my old friends behind. I eventually made new friends and now, years later, I only have a passing curiosity of what my old friends are doing.

What I'm trying to say is, I think Callie's reaction is a bit exaggerated.

Now, she wasn't sure what she wanted.

She heard many excited murmurs now coming from downstairs, and someone called her name. She buried her face in her pillow.
-
She then heard someone run upstairs and open the door to her room.

"Go away," she moaned.

"But Cal, you gotta see this!!" her youngest brother, Jonah, said from the door.

One exclamation point is enough, no need for two.

"Ugh. Jonah, can't you just tell me?"

"Cal, it's Jolteon!" Jonah yelped. Then he scrambled back downstairs.
-
Jolteon? Callie thought.
-
Now, Callie had never cared much for Jolteon, and Jolteon had never cared much for Callie, either. But being the only Pokemon Callie had ever had, the thought of something being wrong with her was too horrible to imagine.

Callie jumped out of bed and ran downstairs.

"What's wrong with her?" she demanded.

"Oh, Callie, nothing's wrong with her! She's had EGGS!" This was Callie's mother. Both of Callie's parents had seem to have given up on her long ago, but at least her mother still showed signs of... caring.

"Eggs?" Callie moved in for a closer look.
-
There, unmistakably, were six brown eggs, each with a beige zigzag around the middle.

"We're going to have Eevees?" Callie asked, with the first spark of enthusiasm appearing in her voice in years.

"Not exactly." her father said.
-
Callie's heart dropped.
-
Her brothers began whining.

"What?" asked the middle brother, Alex.

"We're going to set them free when they hatch. Can you imagine how hard it would be to care for SIX EEVEES?" quipped her father.

I don't really see how that's a quip, but this is probably just a nitpick, so feel free to ignore this.

"Well, I'm going to be leaving soon on my journey anyway, couldn't I keep one? Please?" Callie asked. She couldn't stand her father anymore. How heartless could you be? Separating poor little Eevees from their family at birth? Did that even make sense?!

"Callie, you know full well that Professor Elm will be providing you with a starter Pokemon. You'll have absolutely no need for an Eevee."

Callie's voice cracked.
-
"Dad, please… can I at least hatch one? Me and the boys all could…?"

"That's ridiculous."

You're ridiculous, she thought bitterly.
-
"Dad, Jolteon is also out running around most of the time. Even right now. What if the eggs died before they even hatched?"

"She has a point, dear. I would be upset if all these poor babies died." Her mother took her side for once. And it was about time.

"Well….I guess it would be alright… but no. When they hatch, you need to let them outside and let them be." He always gave into his wife.
-
But why never me? Callie wondered.

Callie picked her egg quickly, before her father could change his mind. It seemed to be the shiniest out of the six. She wrapped it in her arms and jogged up to her room, being careful as to not disturb the egg.

Is this a clue that the Eevee that'll hatch will be a shiny? If it is, I think it'd make more sense if the egg was duller in color since shiny Eevee have gray fur.

She sat the egg on her bed, and she was surprised to find herself crying. Finally she had her Pokemon, the Pokemon she had dreamed of her whole life. And there was no way she was letting it go.
-
She knew, for once, that her father was wrong.
-
She WOULD keep that Eevee.
-
Even if she was forced to leave it outside, she knew it would come back.
-
Had her father never heard of baby Pokemon imprinting?;)

Don't use smilies when writing, it's not needed.


Alright then, pretty good first chapter. You seem to have problems with spacing and you have a few typos. Make sure to read over your chapter before posting to make sure you get all those pesky errors. I like your description, but it'd be nice if we could get a physical description on Callie, it'd help the reader to picture her.

You have a good start, keep up the good work! :)

 

[nidorina]

Hi, I'll be your reviewer this evening. I've highlighted mistakes in red and things I want to talk about in bright green. ;)
....
You have a good start, keep up the good work! :)

Thanks for being my first reply :D
I'm really greatful you took the time to write all that- like by golly. xD
Everything you wrote was really helpful too. Thanks so much! :D
I do need to brush up on my grammar. It's never been my strongest point.
I also understand where you're coming from with the make new friends thing- I just wanted to make it seem that Callie kind of lost her will after her parents made her stay back.
One comment (on your comment)- I'm not planning on Eevee to hatch as a shiny, I just wanted to give the egg a trait that made it different from the others.
Thanks again for your review, I'll work at it in the next chapter!! :3

 

[nidorina]

~Chapter 2~

It'd been a week since she'd gotten the egg, and Callie realized it was also the first week she'd been outside for more than 10 minutes in a long, long time.

She'd been walking the egg daily, and every day she knew that she'd have tp put up a huge fight with her dad to be able to keep it. It wasn't like her dad could tell her what to do once she was 15, and her birthday was coming soon. But she was pretty sure her eevee would be hatching before then and wanted to be postitive it wasn't scared off for good.

She already loved it.

She always walked her egg to the very edge of New Bark, where Route 29 started. She would sit on the edge for a while and squint into the distance, hoping a trainer would come by for her to talk to. Or maybe even one of her old friends to come home.

Scratch that, she didn't want any of her old friends she was still at home.

But nobody really ever came around New Bark, another reason why Callie couldn't wait to get out.

She also walked to the opposite side of town where Route 27 started. She liked to dip her feet in the cool water and watch out for any Pokemon. She saw a Chinchou approach the surface once. She'd always dreamed of owning an adorable little Chinchou of her own someday, or maybe a pretty Staryu. She wouldn't be disappointed with a Shellder, either.

Or maybe just any Pokemon at all?

And so she walked, every day for the next few weeks, holding her egg close. She knew that her and the egg would see some amazing things together, grow up together. She knew the eevee inside would mean everything to her. And they would never back down from a challenge.

Callie woke up one morning to a rainstorm drenching New Bark and knew she'd be inside all day long.

"CALLIE, CALLIE, CALLIE!!" sang her brother Jonah.

Callie looked up from her oatmeal, the egg in her lap.

"....What?" she asked, annoyed.

"Come look!! COME LOOK!!!" shouted Jonah. He sounded like he might actually have something exciting this time. But it seemed that 99% of the time all he had to show Callie was something funny he'd seen on TV. And if not TV, a video game.

"Jonah, can't you just tell me? I'm eating."

Jonah began a long-winded description of some TV show she honestly didn't care about. Apparently Jonah thought she did, though, because he kept repeating himself when he thought she wasn't listening. Which was a lot.

She got a spoonful of oatmeal. This was going to be a looong day.

******

Callie had been seriously bored to the point where she was watching TV with her brothers. They made comments on nearly every sentence and laughed at the most random things.

Now she remebered why she'd stopped watching TV with them.

It felt like 5 hours of just sitting there when she realized that her egg was no longer next to her.

"Oh my God, this isn't even funny. Who took it?" Her eyes seared into each one of their eyes, waiting to pounce on the first one to confess.

But none of them said anything.

"Cal, we didn't take it." said Alex.

Considering the fact that she would've noticed one of them taking her egg, she decided this had to be her fault and went into a frantic search for her baby.

Wide-eyed, Callie ran back into the kitchen, the last place she'd remembered having her egg. It wasn't there.

She looked all around the chair in the living room where she'd been sitting. No egg.

She searched every corner of the house before finally going to Jolteon's bed in the laundry room, where she found her egg perched in the middle. Breathing a sigh of relief, she picked up her egg.

And then she noticed it was cracked all over.

It became obvious to Callie that one of her brothers had broken it accidentally and tried to cover it up by making it look as if Jolteon had re-claimed it.

Callie sat on the edge of Jolteon's bed and although she tried to hold back the tears, she couldn't. It was useless trying, anyway. Her dreams were crushed, just like her poor baby. Her poor, poor, defenseless baby. And Callie realized that this was the first time she'd cared for anything other than herself for the longest time. She loved her egg with everything she had, and now it was taken away from her. Gone.

Just like her dreams.

She clutched the egg close to her, and the entire thing shattered... she started bawling and wiped her eyes on the furry thing she was now clutching in her arms.

Wait, what?

Callie looked down and saw two big brown eyes looking into her hazel ones. She started crying harder. At her stupidity. And at her relief. The egg hadn't been cracked, it had been hatching.

"Eeveeee!" squealed Eevee when it saw Callie's face. It jumped out of Callie's arms and ran around her feet.

Callie scooped up her baby and bolted up into her room. No one could know Eevee had hatched. Yet.

PICTURE TIME!!

A picture of Callie and Eevee!

(Yes, I do realize Callie looks like sort of a mix of May and Dawn. It's because I adore the way May looks and Dawn's clothes. Misty is my favorite always, though.)
*picture credit goes to hapuriainen at deviantart with her amazing Pokemon trainer creator :]*

 

[Krystallyn]

You have a really good storyline going here. I like it, and am waiting in anticipation for the next chapter.