I'll Be There

[ProtrainerEon]

*_* Hello *_*

Another shipping fic. This was a resquest in the Writer's Lounge. I think it will be a trilogy but I may (heheh, this is a Hoennshipping fic) elongate it. Enjoy, fellow writers and viewers!

The flames licked her kicking legs relentlessly as she tried to move away. In spite of the pain, she began scooting back. As she moved inch by inch, the excruciating pain lessened. After about ten horrible seconds, she managed to free herself, and the fire was two inches from her, curled up in the corner. The pale blue walls that supported her began to feel warm. The door had shut, causing the heat to build up in a window-less room.

Now what would fate allow to happen to her?

May's hope was a thin ribbon with menacing scissors hovering above it. She was almost sure death was imminent. "You cannot stop the inevitable. You WILL NOT be thought of after this," he had said. "Only me, the supreme ruler of all Pokemon Contests!"

For three months now, May had shone in the spotlight, winning all eight contests that had occured all over Hoenn. Now, he was getting his revenge!

She had no savior. That had all been a lie.

When you need someone to hold you,
I'm here
In my memory,
I will hold you dear
If you need a friend,
At least one will already be beside you
And I, Brendan,
Am the one you can confide unto
I am your hero,
Your savior during bad times
And I bet this poem,
Is making you sick of rhymes.
​

What meaning did those words have anymore? He wasn't here now, so he had let her down! Just like everyone else in this crazy world had...no surprise. She was always alone.

Then the flames closed in. She would not let herself scream, or cry, because that was pointless. Having never TRULY been loved, May was going to be swallowed up into that black hole known as death.​

 

[Yuki N.]

I believe that this one is too short. I was a bit lost and I'm sure the sudden font change didn't help either. Try to be stationary with your font because it won't annoy readers. What you made was more of a piece of stream of consciousness. Although I'm not so fond of it, I don't think you used it in an effective way since descriptions are slightly weak and progression of the plot ends flat. That's just all I can say and I hope that you can improve since you do have that creative potential... thank you.

 

[ProtrainerEon]

Um...thanks. You think I'm creative, thanks a lot!? This was barely even a prologue. More of a preveiw, yeah, let's go with that. It will get to the standard my other romance fic has risen to if I am able to get it the way I want it to turn out through dillengence and better wording.

 

[Sakura~]

You have to learn consistency. Don't just go off on a tangent, because it sounds cool or dramatic. There was no specified plot, and a subtle one simply won't do, given this (somehow incomplete) piece. Overall, I can see it has potential, but only if you put in more effort in the next installments.

Ummmm, g'luck & all! @^o^@

-Mikuru ♥

 

[ProtrainerEon]

I'll Be There (I decided on a Trilogy)

I decided on a three-part story. Enjoy. (The part before was a preview)

May strolled down the sidewalk and to the plaza cheerfully. In one hand she held her Ice Cream, which she licked slowly as she sat down on a bench, and with the other she twirled her long brown hair. Today was her sweet Sixteen birthday. Why was she out and about like this? Partially for some fresh air, but she mostly wanted to find that one person whose relationship with her could develop beyond just a friend. She had always dreamt of one day finding the perfect boyfriend.

She scooted back in the bench, not really looking at where she sat, just into the clusters of people scattered here and there. There was a couple making out not too far away from here in the field of lilacs, and near her location a girl chatted with her friend about taking their "relationship" further.

May pouted, even as she observed the bracelet and necklace Ash had sent her from the Orre region. Brock, who was currently on a cruise ship for the same reason May was where she sat the moment, had given her a diamond from his precious collection back in Pewter City as a present. Last but definitely not least, there was Max.

He personally visited one of her contests to watch her as she wiped out the competition and they spent half the day together, which ended just a while ago. Max showed off his Treecko and Kirlia, and offered her his present before continuing on his adventure (which had just started a month ago). A blue ribbon for her contest performances. Aaaah, her friends...

May shuffled through her bag and retrieve read her parents' card for the fifth time that day. It was signed by Max as well. Just who else had he been visiting on his journey?

(MOM) May, these are your two loving parents writing to you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!​

There is an attached sum of twenty bucks for your own personal spending reasons. I hope you're budgeting like I've been-​

(Skip, skip, skip, skip! May thought as she did so, "I know, yada yada yada, I'm watching my money limit...)

So, sweetheart...your father and I wish you the best birthday ever. We gave you those earrings in the envelope, but our real present is back in Petalburg. Please visit so we can give it to you in person.

(DAD) We watched you on television, you were excellent in all three contests. That's my little girl! Your Pokemon look healthy on TV May. (WHAT ABOUT ME? May thought, frustrated as she skimmed the note two lines. She found the bit of writing quickly...) My sweet daughter, I know you'll look nice with those earrings, happy birthday! Good luck in the next contest!​

​

May smiled as she closed the card and placed it snugly in the envelope. "These are pretty earrings," May admitted, as she put the gifts from her parents on her ears. She looked up to continue her "search."

"Yeah, I think they look awesome on you."

"Oh, th-th-" May could hardly speak as she gazed into those inviting hazel eyes. "Thanks." The warm smile made her melt. Who was this handsome boy?

"Oh, forgive me uh..."

"I'm May."

"May. Right. I seem to be a little late but um, they call me Brendan. Well...you can call me Bren."

"Okay," May giggled, "Bren!"

"Something's funny about that May?" Brendan chuckled in his mind too. This girl was beautiful!

"Oh no Brendan. Sorry, I just...I-"

"...Y'know, it's all right. You don't have to explain."

May looked up, blushing, past this cute teen boy as she licked the small remains of her Ice Cream. She noticed a boy and girl chatting it up, who she saw talking to a boy with snow white hair earlier. Her eyes caught the back of Brendan's head, so she didn't realize he was so attractive. He had left his pals to chat with her, hadn't he?

"I noticed you dropped these May," Brendan said hurriedly, and she shifted her gaze to his hand, which held her mirror. She thanked him, leaning forward to take it. Her hand brushed the back of his briefly, and they both smiled when she grabbed the mirror. Realizing her face was inches from his without the seperation of her mirror, May turned beet red, moving back.

"Sorry about that," May said shyly.

"It's cool," Brendan said with a wide grin.

"Oh?" May asked shyly, nervous like never before. "Seriously?"

"Of course. Listen, it was uh...nice talking with you May." Brendan frowned as he turned to walk back to his friends. "I guess I'll go back to Sakura and Tracey now. See ya," he added. May couldn't pass up an opportunity like this though.

"Hey!" She said in a high pitched tone, and very quickly. Brendan jumped, but his eyes lit up and he whipped around to listen.

"Hmm?" Brendan asked, a little TOO hopefully.

"I'd like to, if it's not too much trouble..."

"Yeah?"

"Could we try to, maybe, hang out sometime? Alone?"

Brendan's entire expression brightened. "Sure May! How about the Lilycove store rooftop? Six o'clock?"

"Deal!" May perked up a little when he agreed, finishing up her Ice Cream and tossing the cone into a nearby trashcan. "That'd be nice."

"Yeah. It really would. So it's a date then-I-I mean a...meeting?"

"Right," May said happily, giggling. "A...meeting." It was clear she disliked his choice of words, and so did he. "I'll grab some chips for us in the minimart on my way up."

"Good choice. Okay then, I guess I'll be going now." Brendan returned to his previous task, and in a few seconds was back with his traveling partners. They started to chat, and Brendan looked back, flashing a smile at May before vanishing around the corner. Man, that guy was awesome...

She's so sexy when she licks that Ice Cream, Brendan said to himself with a satisfied grin, continuing to talk to Sakura and Tracey. Sakura nudged him in the side playfully.

"Told ya you'd hit it off okay," Sakura teased, petting her Espeon. "It went well right?"

"Yes, Sakura," Brendan said with a groan. "It did."

"So she's your girlfriend now?" Tracey asked, gasping.

"No, no, it's nothing like that. Yet..." He allowed a small smile to cross his lips.

"Huh?" Tracey asked.

"What was that?" Sakura inquired. She elbowed him once more.

"Just drop it okay?" Brendan spat.

They all laughed as they entered a clothing store. They were all seriously in need of new clothes.

Five Forty Five PM, Lilycove Department Store​

"Would you like the half off potion deal, where you get two potions per bag of barbeque chips?"

"Yes please," May replied. "I didn't know it existed." She handed a wad of bills to the cashier, who counted them and put them away, pleased.

"Paper or plastic?"

"Plastic ma'am." She took the bag happily, feeling like she was in heaven. May had a "date" with a hot guy, on a rooftop, alone! Today couldn't get any better for her.

May stopped by the next floor, and bought some Protein. Her Skitty seemed like it needed more brawn, so she figured she'd help it out. "Thank you," she said sweetly, turning to leave. She took the stairs for two flights, then paused. "Here goes nothing, but a really cool date with a cute boy..." She whispered, tapping her fingers together nervously. Next, she boldly walked upstairs, admiring her Skitty doll.

"May?"

The voice seemed to echo endlessly in her mind. Brendan actually showed up! May slowly stepped to the side, turning to see him. The soft features were very inviting...

"Brendan?" May asked with excitement. She ran over and stopped five feet from him.

"You came!" She said with a squeal, then a frown. "To our...meeting."

Brendan cocked his head to one side, smiling. He decided he'd just come out with it. "Oh give it up, May. We both want to call this a date, don't we?" May giggled for the millointh time that day (while around Brendan).

"We...do? YOU do?" May was shocked.

"Isn't it obvious? You're okay with that, right?"

"OKAY with it? I was dying for you to ask!"

"Good, because I brought these." Brendan handed her roses, with a happy birthday card attached. She touched one hand to her chest and mentally swooned. He was so handsome!

"You actually like me?" She asked softly.

"Yes...I didn't want to seem like a strange creep who was naughty and attracted to you. So I waited for you to make a move."

May laughed. "Yeah, I guess I would've seen it that way. I'm glad we're up here alone." She felt she could confess her inner thoughts since he had.

"Me too."

"Good to know I'm not the only one, heheh." She raised an eyebrow at him. "Hold on mister womanizer, how'd you know It was my birthday?"

"HELLO, your card said "Sixteenth Birthday" on the back of it. I just had to find some reason to come talk with you."

"Well, I'm glad you did," May admitted, blushing and lifting one leg as she clasped her hands together, and blinked in a cute way. "Thanks for making my day."

"I try," he boasted, and they shared a moment of laughter. Then May put one hand on Brendan's shoulder. "What is it?" He asked softly. They both began walking over to the edge of the rooftop to see all of Lilycove.

"Well I was wondering-um-if you know it's my birthday, did you get me a present?" She looked up at him curiously.

"Sort of. I hope this will do..." He leaned forward, and gave May a small peck on the cheek. She instantly flushed with surprise and embarrassment.

"Bren, thank you," she managed to say. He just grinned at her.

"My pleasure," he said with a shy smile. Their eyes met once, the light bouncing off of them, and they turned to look at the other buildings below to avoid the exposure of their emotions. Shyness had taken control of them, but only for half a minute, until Brendan spoke up.

"It's an excellent view, isn't it?" Brendan asked May, clearly amazed at the moment he was having with her. Their hands slowly crept over to each other and met.

May forced herself to look over at Brendan. "You're right Brendan." They noticed they were holding hands, and pulled away fast.

There was a long moment of silence, and May twiddled her thumbs calmly. "I'm..." she stared at Brendan happily. "I'm having a wonderful time with you." She found herself caught up in the moment, and had to do this. These words were followed by a long sigh.

"Don't be mad please." She stepped forward, and fitted her mouth to Brendan's.

He resisted at first, hesitating, but after a while leaned in to it, running a hand through May's hair. They wrapped their arms around each others' waists. Brendan got slightly more intimate, and pressed his lips a little rougher to May's. She allowed him to pull her closer, and they held this position for over a minute.

That night, Brendan took a long walk with May before they parted ways. Tommorow, May had another contest, and she had to be prepared.

She informed Brendan about this event during the calm walk. There was just one question; would he be there too?

 

[PKS]

Suggestions

"En medias res," nice touch. ;)

Something I noticed was that, other than hair and eyes, there wasn't any physical description. You could add quite a bit of meat to your fic by including more visuals, especially that of landmarks and scenery.

As a friendly suggestion, "Why is Bren so handsome or May so sexy?" What I'm thinking is, have each give the other a rundown like people attracted to each other would. You can use this as a literary device to really get into a character's head because not only will you highlight their attributes, but you will also illuminate their personality through their thoughts on the other character.

One other detail I noticed off the bat was the mention of May looking for a boyfriend. Even though, almost, everyone knows what the genre entails, you should not have to lay it out for them, be subtle. My suggestion on this point is to take this time to set up the tone of your fic and add flavor to the story; you can totally work off of the reader's emotions and sympathies. Instead of saying that she is looking for a boyfriend, keep the idea that she misses her friends and follow that with the scene of friends of lovers in the park. This gives the idea that May is disjointed from the world around her because while she is losing friends, others are gaining friends and creating deeper friendships. Ultimately this creates a complication, that; while hinted toward, is not admitted outright, and whose resolution can lead can lead to further complications.

I'm sorry to be so long winded; something just came over me.
I hope my advice helps you in your future endeavors and I hope you continue to improve your writing style.
I can't wait to see what led May to a fiery death(?). :p

 

[pokemaster7]

ooo...i like hoennshipping(as in games not anime.) keep up the good work. although not my taste in this kind of Hoennshipping.

 

[diageo11]

I liked it, thought it was really good. Can't wait for the next chapter. I would give you some constructive crticism but I'm not that good with that so I'll just say well done.:D

 

[Mudkippy]

Nice story. The details are really good.