[Pokémon] Johto Adventures:World In Chaos

[daveyp1997]

short because its and intro chapter my first fan fiction hope ya like (: (comment and rate,written in first person)

Chapter 1
The Beginning Of The End
I sat outside watching the Pokemon frolic through the small grass,they had no idea that the legendaries were plotting to destroy the world nobody did except me.David Presley, I'm from New Bark Town.Theres not much in New Bark except for the Pokemon lab and a few buildings.Todays my thirteenth birthday,I didn't want to become a trainer at 10 because I didn't think I was ready but now i have to go or the word'll be destroyed.This is my story.

I sat on the edge of the roof "todays the day" I muttered to myself.I hopped off the roof and started to walk to the lab across the street,then jog,then run,then sprint, there were 3 other kids running I had to get there!I slid in front of them all and panted for a moment then opened the door. "ah.....children i have 6 Pokemon for trainers ,luckily there are only four of you i can add the other two to next years roster" Said a man in a lab coat.I walked across the room too two large holders containing 3 Pokemon each,they all had labels in the first were,Totodile,Chikorita,and Cyndaquil.In the second case were ,Marill,Bellsprout and Houndour.The man in the lab coat pulled me up first "you choose first" He said in a encouraging tone "ok" I said a little nervously.I stepped over and grabbed Cyndaquil "I choose Cyndaquil!" I said happily holding the ball in my hand.after a few minutes of waiting we got out pokedex's and 5 empty pokeballs each.I ran towards route one and cherrygrove

 

[Astinus]

Um...this is really hard to follow.

The grammar needs a lot of improvement. I suggest writing this story in a word processing program that comes with spell-check, and then finding a beta reader to read over your story before you post it so that the grammar can be fixed up. Because the way it is now, it's hard to see where a sentence begins or ends.

There's also a lot of missing description. How does one thirteen-year-old child know that the legendary Pokemon are going to destroy the world, and why is he the only one that can save the world? How early did he know that the world was going to be destroyed? Why could he wait those three years to get ready to be a trainer? I mean, if the legendary Pokemon are going to destroy the world, I doubt they would wait for the one person who can stop them to get ready to stop them. They'd probably continue on with their plans no matter what.

Also, why six starting Pokemon to choose from? It's always pretty much has been the standard three starters for each region, depending on where the trainer starts. So why the three different Pokemon? Why not just a whole mess load of Chikorita, Cyndaquil, and Totodile?

The story needs some fixing up before it can meet the standards of the section as outlined in the rules. So the thread is unfortunately going to have to be closed.