[Pokémon] Kanto Adventures

[dragonitelover]

Chapter 1 :Farewell for now.


Seth woke up with a yawn and jumped out of bed in joy. He was finally ten years old able to get his very first Pokemon from Professor.Oak and begin his journey. Something he had been waiting sixe years for. Choices of Pokemon ran through his head. He spaced out for a couple of minutes , thinking about the Kanto starters. Before he realised which one he wanted.

Seth's stomach growled loudly. He walked out of his room and down the stairs towards the kitchen. His mom was sitting at the table. She had Long pitch black hair, bright green eyes and a perfect mom smile. The Daily Pallet was held in her hands and two bowls of bacon,eggs and toast lay in front of her.

" Happy Birthday dear " she said cheerily. As Seth drowned his eggs in ketchup. " Your fathers in the paper again. " Her forefinger motioned to the front page. Where a man with messy brown hair and dark green eyes stood infront of an old looking building.

Seth looked exactly like his dad excpet for to major diffrences. The first was a bite on his arm,that he had got from an angry Rattata years ago. The second , Seth was alot shorter. " Whats it this time? " He asked.

Seths dad was a scientist. He wasn't home much because he was always out in the feild studying Pokemon.

" He's in Pewter City , working with Fossils at the museum"

Seth looked up excitedly. His dad was always doing the coolest things. He devoured the rest of his breakfast before running upstairs to get dressed. When he returned his mom was waiting for him,with a neatly wrapped box in her hands.

" Todays the big day huh? " she said, looking at Seth proudly. She handed him the present. Seth ripped off the wrapping, revealing a plain brown box . He opened it up and pulled out two items. A black and blue backpack and a belt, with slots for Pokeballs.

" The bag is packed with everything your going to need. " she said. Seth ran over and gave his mom a hug. " Im going to miss you so much honey! " She kissed him on the forehead and pulled away. Outside , kids were starting to make there way towards Professor Oaks lab.

" Im going to miss you to mom. But I should go, Dan will be waiting and I want to make sure I get a Pokemon! " He gave his mom one last hug before opening the front door. " Thanks mom... for everything" he said before walking outside.

Pallet was a very small town , few of its inhabitanst left to become Pokemon trainers. They prefered the perfect serenity of Pallet to the hustle and bustle of Trainer life. Infact only four kids were leaving the town. One of them being Seth's cousin Dan.

Dan had short black hair , light green eyes and an energetic attitude. He was also taller then Seth by a couple inches, which he never let him forget.Both of them had been born on the same day , within five hours of eachother.

Seth walked down the worn out path to Professor Oak's lab. Excited to get his first Pokemon and happy the day had finally come.

: Which Pokemon will Seth choose to begin with? How will his journey turn out? Find out in the next chapter of Kanto Adventures! :

 

[Dagzar]

Seth woke up with a yawn and jumped out of bed in joy. He was finally ten years old, able to get his very first Pokemon from Professor Oak and begin his journey. Something he had been waiting six years for. Choices of Pokemon ran through his head. He spaced out for a couple of minutes, thinking about the Kanto starters before he realized which one he wanted.

Seth's stomach growled loudly. He walked out of his room and down the stairs towards the kitchen. His mom was sitting at the table. She had long pitch black hair, bright green eyes and a perfect mom smile. The Daily Pallet was held in her hands and two bowls of bacon, eggs and toast lay in front of her.

Let's see what we have here… First off, I notice that your story has a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes in it. Before posting your story, you really should read it over and put it through spell check to make sure you catch all of those pesky errors. I've highlighted and corrected your errors in red for future reference.

"Happy Birthday, dear," she said cheerily as Seth drowned his eggs in ketchup. "Your father's in the paper again." Her forefinger motioned to the front page where a man with messy brown hair and dark green eyes stood in front of an old looking building.

Yay, dialogue! Here's a tip: when a person is speaking and ends with something like 'she said', you should end your dialogue in a comma (or with a question mark or exclamation point when appropriate). Since I'm terrible at explaining these types of things, I'll highlighted the comma thing in green and direct you to a website that can explain dialogue rules better: https://mrbraiman.home.att.net/page25.html

Also, I'm not sure if it's just your computer doing it or you, but you don't need a space separating the quotation marks from the text.

Seth looked exactly like his dad except for two major differences. The first was a bite on his arm that he had got from an angry Rattata years ago. The second, Seth was a lot shorter. "What's it this time?" he asked.

I have nothing really to say here except that instead of using 'bite', 'scar' might be more appropriate. When you say 'bite', it makes me think that the arm's bleeding and the wound's still fresh.

Seth's dad was a scientist. He wasn't home much because he was always out in the field studying Pokemon.

"He's in Pewter City, working with Fossils at the museum."

Seth looked up excitedly. His dad was always doing the coolest things. He devoured the rest of his breakfast before running upstairs to get dressed. When he returned his mom was waiting for him with a neatly wrapped box in her hands.

"Today's the big day huh?" she said, looking at Seth proudly. She handed him the present. Seth ripped off the wrapping, revealing a plain brown box. He opened it up and pulled out two items. A black and blue backpack and a belt with slots for Pokeballs.

"The bag is packed with everything you're going to need," she said. Seth ran over and gave his mom a hug.

"I'm going to miss you so much honey!" She kissed him on the forehead and pulled away. Outside, kids were starting to make their way towards Professor Oak's lab.

"I'm going to miss you too mom. But I should go, Dan will be waiting and I want to make sure I get a Pokemon!" He gave his mom one last hug before opening the front door. "Thanks mom... for everything," he said before walking outside.

Pallet was a very small town, few of its inhabitants left to become Pokemon trainers. They preferred the perfect serenity of Pallet to the hustle and bustle of Trainer life. In fact only four kids were leaving the town, one of them being Seth's cousin Dan.

The first sentence here kind of confused me upon first reading it since I couldn't tell whether you were referring to the trainers leaving or the people who didn't become trainer. The next sentence kind of cleared it up, but I'd suggest revising that first sentence to make your meaning a bit clearer.

Also, I'm wondering why only four kids are leaving to became trainers. Not that I hang out with kids much, but I'd think that any ten-year-old would jump at the chance to become a trainer and go on an adventure. You did say that it was a very small town, but even then, I think there would be more than four kids going.

Dan had short black hair, light green eyes and an energetic attitude. He was also taller then Seth by a couple inches, which he never let him forget. Both of them had been born on the same day, within five hours of each other.

Since Dan has yet to enter the story, I think you could have chosen a better spot to describe him, like when he and Seth actually meet.

Seth walked down the worn out path to Professor Oak's lab. Excited to get his first Pokemon and happy the day had finally come.

: Which Pokemon will Seth choose to begin with? How will his journey turn out? Find out in the next chapter of Kanto Adventures! :

Alright-y, there's definitely some stuff to improve on. Repeating myself, remember to check over your chapter before you post it because errors constantly get in the way of the reader's enjoyment.

Despite that, I'm pretty curious to see what Pokemon Seth will get. Are you sticking with the regular starters or something different like, I dunno, a common Nidoran? Either way, I'll be awaiting further updates, so update soon! :)

 

[dragonitelover]

Thank you so much. That's gonna help a lot. I'll revise the second chapter and fix the same mistakes. Thanks for the review.

 

[dragonitelover]

Chapter 2: Birthday Wish

Seth strapped the belt around his waist, and strung the backpack over his shoulders before continueing down the path. As he walked, Professor Oak's building slowly came into view.

The main part of the lab had a rectangular shape. A windmill was connected to the right side of it, and a large fenced off area lay behind it. A couple of assistants were running back and forth. Carrying large boxes full of papers and notebooks from the windmill to the lab. A couple of Pokemon slept in the fenced of area. Along with four Pidgey, who had perched on the roof of the labratory.

Seth looked over to the main entrance to see Dan waiting patiently in the short grass, waiting for his cousin. He ran over and stood in front of him, casting his shadow over the other boy.

" Excuse me can you move..... SETH! Finally your here," Dan stood up and tugged on Seth's. Pulling him in to Proffesor Oak's labratory. Seth tugged his arm away from Dan's grasp and looked around. The lab was full of paper and books. A couple of computers sat at the back wall. Bookeshelves lined both of the side walls. In the middle of it all sat Proffesor Oak. Infront of him sat was a black table that held three red and white capsules. An name card lying in front of each of them.

"Have you come to choose your starter Pokemon?" He asked looking at the two young boys. Dan and Seth nodded and ran forward.

"Alright, infront of me are three Pokeballs, containing a diffrent Pokemon in each. The card lying in front of each ball gives a brief description about the Pokemon inside"

Both kids picked up one of the cards and read them through. The one Seth had picked up was for Squirtle.

Squirtle, the tiny turtle Pokemon. Squirtles shell is not merely used for protection. The shells rounded shape and the grooves on its surface help minimize resistance in water, enabling this Pokemon to swim at high speeds.

Squirtle sounded like a great Pokemon, but it wasn't the one Seth had had in mind. As he picked up the card to the left of Squirtle, a broad grin spread across his cousins face.

"Charmander sounds perfect. Can I take it Proffesor? Please, please let me take it. Please!" Proffesor Oak picked up Charmanders ball and handed it to the energetic boy.

"Thank you! Thank you!" Dan grabbed the ball from the Proffesor's hands and ran out of the lab.

"A little rambuctious, isn't he?" asked the Proffesor.

"Always," replied Seth, as he slowly brought the other Pokemons card to his face.

Bulbasaur, the seed Pokemon. A strange seed was planted on its back at birth. The plant sprouts and grows with this Pokemon.

"Proffesor, is it okay if I take Bulbasaur?" Proffesor Oak nodded and handed Bulbasaurs capsule to Seth.

"A wise choice for a beginner trainer. Your first Pokemon will always be the closest to you, so make sure you take good care of it."

"I will" Seth attached Bulbasaurs Pokeball to his belt, and awkwardly shook Proffesor Oaks hand before leaving the facility. Bulbasaur was his, a silent whoop of joy went through his head as he pushed open the door. The morning sun warmed his face as he walked away from Bulbasaurs home. Suddenly Seth heard footsteps coming from behind him. He turned around to see his cousin charging towards him.

"SETH!" He roared as he reached him. "I challenge you to my first Pokemon battle!" Dan threw down his Pokeball to the ground, releasing an orange lizard standing on its hind legs, its tail ablaze. Seth detached Bulbasaurs ball, happy to oblige.

: Its Dan and Seth's first Pokemon battle! And their versing.... each other? Find out who wins in the next chapter of Kanto Adventures! :

 

[Dagzar]

Yay, new chapter! You've definitely cleaned the chapter up, though I still spot a few mistakes, which I'll highlight in red, as usual.

Seth strapped the belt around his waist, and strung the backpack over his shoulders before continuing down the path. As he walked, Professor Oak's building slowly came into view.

The main part of the lab had a rectangular shape. A windmill was connected to the right side of it, and a large fenced off area lay behind it. A couple of assistants were running back and forth carrying large boxes full of papers and notebooks from the windmill to the lab.

Okay, I like you're description here, though here's a few tips. I've noticed you have a bit of a problem with sentence fragments (which I've fixed in green from now on). Using the first green fragment as an example, you don't need to start a new sentence when both of the sentences are related, and it makes more sense when combined. Either use a comma, or just leave it as is, like I've done above.

I'm not sure if I've explained it properly, so if you're still confused, just PM me.

A couple of Pokemon slept in the fenced of area, along with four Pidgey, who had perched on the roof of the laboratory.

Seth looked over to the main entrance to see Dan waiting patiently in the short grass, waiting for his cousin. He ran over and stood in front of him, casting his shadow over the other boy.

Since you already said 'waiting' only a few words before, it's a bit redundant to use it again and is unneeded.

"Excuse me, can you move... SETH! Finally,you're here." Dan stood up and tugged on Seth's (hand?).

Okay, here's another tip that I've found helpful when writing dialogue with commas (which I've highlighted in purple, I hope you can see it since you can't really color commas). See, when you talk, you don't just gabber on with any pauses until you're done. You need time to breathe, so you take breaths during your speaking. Words that don't have anything to do with the sentence, like names, 'Hey', 'Excuse me', things like that, have a comma afterwards, where you take a breath. That's what the commas are for.

Example:

"Hey, Maria!" she called out.
"John, what's going on?" he asked.
"Excuse me, coming through!"

On a completely different topic, here's how you tell the difference between the two 'yours'.

Your: possession.
"These are your Pokemon; do what you want."
"I have your package, Professor Oak!"
"Your Skitty is really cute and fluffy!"

You're: you are.
"You're the worst Charmander in the world!"
"What do you think you're doing to those Pokemon?"

Pulling him in to Professor Oak's laboratory, Seth tugged his arm away from Dan's grasp and looked around. The lab was full of paper and books. A couple of computers sat at the back wall. Book shelves lined both of the side walls. In the middle of it all sat Professor Oak. In front of him sat was a black table that held three red and white capsules, a name card lying in front of each of them.

Professor is spelt with one 'F' and two 'S's.

"Have you come to choose your starter Pokemon?" he asked looking at the two young boys. Dan and Seth nodded and ran forward.

"Alright, in front of me are three Pokeballs, containing a different Pokemon in each. The card lying in front of each ball gives a brief description about the Pokemon inside."

'Infront' isn't a word, just plain old 'in front' is the correct phrase.

Both kids picked up one of the cards and read them through. The one Seth had picked up was for Squirtle.

Squirtle, the tiny turtle Pokemon. Squirtle's shell is not merely used for protection. The shell's rounded shape and the grooves on its surface help minimize resistance in water, enabling this Pokemon to swim at high speeds.

Since you're talking about possession, there would be an apostrophe before the 'S'.

Squirtle sounded like a great Pokemon, but it wasn't the one Seth had had in mind. As he picked up the card to the left of Squirtle, a broad grin spread across his cousin's face.

I was a bit confused with the second sentence because I was wondering if you were talking about Dan or not. Using his actual name (which would help the reader quickly understand that you're talking about Dan) might be better.

"Charmander sounds perfect. Can I take it Professor? Please, please let me take it. Please!" Professor Oak picked up Charmander's ball and handed it to the energetic boy.

"Thank you! Thank you!" Dan grabbed the ball from the Professor's hands and ran out of the lab.

"A little rambunctious, isn't he?" asked the Professor.

"Always," replied Seth, as he slowly brought the other Pokemon's card to his face.

Bulbasaur, the seed Pokemon. A strange seed was planted on its back at birth. The plant sprouts and grows with this Pokemon.

"Professor, is it okay if I take Bulbasaur?"

Professor Oak nodded and handed Bulbasaur's capsule to Seth. "A wise choice for a beginner trainer. Your first Pokemon will always be the closest to you, so make sure you take good care of it."

Since Seth is the one talking, it would be better if Professor Oak's line was in a new paragraph and his line next to his action.

"I will." Seth attached Bulbasaur's Pokeball to his belt, and awkwardly shook Professor Oaks hand before leaving the facility. Bulbasaur was his; a silent whoop of joy went through his head as he pushed open the door. The morning sun warmed his face as he walked away from Bulbasaur's home. Suddenly Seth heard footsteps coming from behind him. He turned around to see his cousin charging towards him.

"SETH!" he roared as he reached him. "I challenge you to my first Pokemon battle!" Dan threw down his Pokeball to the ground, releasing an orange lizard standing on its hind legs, its tail ablaze. Seth detached Bulbasaur's ball, happy to oblige.

: Its Dan and Seth's first Pokemon battle! And they're versing.... each other? Find out who wins in the next chapter of Kanto Adventures! :

Definitely not as many mistakes as last time and the ones you did make were just repeats like 'Professor', so they won't be hard to fix. Bulbasaur is an interesting choice of Pokemon (I was expecting Charmander because people tend to like fire-types better). I'm wondering how the battle between Seth and Dan is going to go since it can go either way. Good job on the chapter and I'll be awaiting the next one! :)

 

[dragonitelover]

I always mix up Professor. Gah! Anyways thanks for the pointers, i'll definitly take them into mind.

 

[LampShade.]

It looks like you have someone already correcting the grammatical errors, so I'll go ahead and comment on your overall plot, characterization, etc.

It was good to see you describe the mom, but I wasn't quite sure how to picture Seth. There are different ways this Pokemon character can look, depending on the artist. It's good to also reveal some of the characters' traits through your words. The personality for Seth that you seem to be going for is more of a hyperbolic, brash and ambitious one. You did a good job saying that his stomach growled loudly, and expressing the amount of ketchup he placed on his eggs. Now try placing that in other parts of your story, e.g. Paragraphs 4 and 5.

I like Dan's description, but you have to put more effort in establishing (or insinuating) his personality, rather than just describing his looks.

As far as plot is concerned, I hope you have a twist up your sleeve somewhere. Your story (at least so far) very closely follows the standard "Pokemon" story that most people already know about. Adding more of your own plot would help make the story more about your work. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying your plot is bad. There just needs to be a little more... excitement.