"Let Go"

[kevcrash]

I recently (in May) formed a band and I completed my first song. I want some critique on this. One more thing these are the lyrics only so yeah! Our band is called "Sleet" and the song is called "Let Go" Enjoy

Let Go
Lyrics

My life has its eyes set on you
But I don't feel like your trap, I fell through
….
I have lost all my interest in you
But I just can't leave you this soon
Give me some clearance and I might agree
That together we shall breath

Refrain:
I can't just leave, away from you
But being away from you feels so good!
But I won't be long
And I won't be gone

In my time away from you I've been so far
But I had to return to you, my star
….
I just don't want to leave
But it takes away my grieving heart
I am attached to you, and you, to me
How long, though, is it before love I see?

Refrain 2:
I can't just leave, away from you
But being away from you feels so good!
But I won't be long
And I won't be gone
Forever……. And Ever!

But what if I just made you know
What I feel
It just makes see the light and say
What if I JUST LET GO!!!
………………………
I made you mine
It's time to give up your shine
I won't let go of you
But I still somehow don't love you
And I can't keep going away
I must stay
For you………

(Refrain)

No, not for long
I won't be gone
Not forever not ever again
I'll stay
Though
You should know
I will let go
And for all that you do-
-No, not for long…

(END)

 

[dotKarma]

It seems okay, but that's just from me and the only songs I've written are total jokes that no one would ever take seriously.

I pictured this as a metalcore song, by the way. What type of band is your band?

 

[Captain Fabio]

The song may be amazing and the lyrics beautiful, but without a recording or hearing it, then I can't pass judgement on it.

Get a recording of it up?

 

[kevcrash]

It seems okay, but that's just from me and the only songs I've written are total jokes that no one would ever take seriously.

I pictured this as a metalcore song, by the way. What type of band is your band?

It's the more hard rock kind of band. I picture this as just a rock song but ok :)

The song may be amazing and the lyrics beautiful, but without a recording or hearing it, then I can't pass judgement on it.

Get a recording of it up?

Yeah, I want to but we need to get it better than what we have right now.

 

[Nick]

Moving this to Poetry in Other Writing to get this thread the critique it deserves.

 

[kevcrash]

Moving this to Poetry in Other Writing to get this thread the critique it deserves.

Thank you Abercrombie ;)
.....

 

[Deleted member 143209]

Okay expect a big review from me soon. Starting on it now

 

[ChronicEdge]

It's impossible to critique a song without actually listening to it. Your lyrics don't seem great to me. It's not my kind of thing whatsoever. But, I haven't heard the song. I haven't experienced the energy that you put into it, I haven't felt the soul behind it, I don't know what it means to you. On a more technical level, I don't even know if the members of your group are capable of playing their respective instruments. Record yourselves, put it on YouTube or something, and then I'll offer my honest opinion of you. Until then, not I nor anyone else can help you.

 

[Deleted member 143209]

Okay i will cut this into sections

I will rate the lyrics and general layout of the song as i write music myself i feel a good song is written with good structure and lyrical presance.

Section 1 - Song Start

My life has its eyes set on you
But I don't feel like your trap, I fell through
….
I have lost all my interest in you
But I just can't leave you this soon
Give me some clearance and I might agree
That together we shall breath


Okay first off i liked your wording. You're not using the normal radio friendly lyrics like a lot of bads a=starting out these days. One thing i will say bout the song up to here is it has one or two iffy sentences i'm unsure of. Where you say "But i don't feel like your trap, I fell through" Now i might be misreading it but it doedn't make perfect sence to me. You don't feel like their trap yet you fell through? Maybe "But i don't feel like you're my trap, but i fell through" or something like that? Please correct me there i might just be reading it incorrectly. The next verse is okay. A little contradictory though. I'm not a big fan on how you began to say you've lost all interest then go on to, once you get clearance you'll breath together. Wht i'm saying is why one minute go from not having any interest any more to deciding you might want to be together again, all in 4 lines? It's okay i guess just a rush i think. But steady work there. Not much off

Section 2 - Verse into Refrain

Refrain:
I can't just leave, away from you
But being away from you feels so good!
But I won't be long
And I won't be gone

In my time away from you I've been so far
But I had to return to you, my star
…
The only prob,em here is and it persists a little bit is the Leaving and coming back part.
You're talking about how you want to leave ine second then you're saying whats happned while you are gone and when you'll be back for eg.
Thinking about going -

I can't just leave, away from you
But being away from you feels so good!
But I won't be long
And I won't be gone

Being away and coming back -


In my time away from you I've been so far
But I had to return to you, my star

The lyrics are good though no need for a change there!
.

Section 3 - Progressing into main song feel

I just don't want to leave
But it takes away my grieving heart
I am attached to you, and you, to me
How long, though, is it before love I see?

Refrain 2:
I can't just leave, away from you
But being away from you feels so good!
But I won't be long
And I won't be gone
Forever……. And Ever!

But what if I just made you know
What I feel
It just makes see the light and say
What if I JUST LET GO!!!
………………………

And it seems we're back on track with no jumping between times and what not. This is my favourite part so far i think it's definatel the pinacle of your song, If you added in a nice guitar solo after "I JUST LET GO!!" It would go down well before coming into the ending refrain and verse. I like this bit well structred and has a good feel to it. Then again it all depends on the way its sung. Try different vocals here and there to mix up your sound bit!

Section 4 - Song Outro, repeat refrain

I made you mine
It's time to give up your shine
I won't let go of you
But I still somehow don't love you
And I can't keep going away
I must stay
For you………

(Refrain)

No, not for long
I won't be gone
Not forever not ever again
I'll stay
Though
You should know
I will let go
And for all that you do-
-No, not for long…

(END)

And Alas the end peice! Still the slightconfusion from sentance to sentance you change your mind but i'm sure thats the way you want it. But i don't see too much wrong here. Wouldn't change anything. I think a lot of this song is really dependant on the way it's sung!

The Final Verdict

To be quite honest it was good! I would love to hear the music and hear it sung. Well done. Maybe a few tweaks here and there. I hope i didn't seem too harsh but i think it's good! So work on your structure a small bit ie. decideing what actually is going on rather than picking random lines where one miute you love the person and the next you're not. Sure i bet you're sick of me now xD
So 8/10 well done
​

 

[kevcrash]

Okay i will cut this into sections​

I will rate the lyrics and general layout of the song as i write music myself i feel a good song is written with good structure and lyrical presance.

Section 1 - Song Start

​

My life has its eyes set on you
But I don't feel like your trap, I fell through
….
I have lost all my interest in you
But I just can't leave you this soon
Give me some clearance and I might agree
That together we shall breath​

Okay first off i liked your wording. You're not using the normal radio friendly lyrics like a lot of bads a=starting out these days. One thing i will say bout the song up to here is it has one or two iffy sentences i'm unsure of. Where you say "But i don't feel like your trap, I fell through" Now i might be misreading it but it doedn't make perfect sence to me. You don't feel like their trap yet you fell through? Maybe "But i don't feel like you're my trap, but i fell through" or something like that? Please correct me there i might just be reading it incorrectly. The next verse is okay. A little contradictory though. I'm not a big fan on how you began to say you've lost all interest then go on to, once you get clearance you'll breath together. Wht i'm saying is why one minute go from not having any interest any more to deciding you might want to be together again, all in 4 lines? It's okay i guess just a rush i think. But steady work there. Not much off​

Section 2 - Verse into Refrain

Refrain:
I can't just leave, away from you
But being away from you feels so good!
But I won't be long
And I won't be gone​

In my time away from you I've been so far
But I had to return to you, my star
…
The only prob,em here is and it persists a little bit is the Leaving and coming back part.
You're talking about how you want to leave ine second then you're saying whats happned while you are gone and when you'll be back for eg.
Thinking about going -​

I can't just leave, away from you
But being away from you feels so good!
But I won't be long
And I won't be gone​

Being away and coming back -​

In my time away from you I've been so far
But I had to return to you, my star​

The lyrics are good though no need for a change there!
.

Section 3 - Progressing into main song feel

I just don't want to leave
But it takes away my grieving heart
I am attached to you, and you, to me
How long, though, is it before love I see?​

Refrain 2:
I can't just leave, away from you
But being away from you feels so good!
But I won't be long
And I won't be gone
Forever……. And Ever!​

But what if I just made you know
What I feel
It just makes see the light and say
What if I JUST LET GO!!!
………………………​

And it seems we're back on track with no jumping between times and what not. This is my favourite part so far i think it's definatel the pinacle of your song, If you added in a nice guitar solo after "I JUST LET GO!!" It would go down well before coming into the ending refrain and verse. I like this bit well structred and has a good feel to it. Then again it all depends on the way its sung. Try different vocals here and there to mix up your sound bit!​

Section 4 - Song Outro, repeat refrain

I made you mine
It's time to give up your shine
I won't let go of you
But I still somehow don't love you
And I can't keep going away
I must stay
For you………​

(Refrain)​

No, not for long
I won't be gone
Not forever not ever again
I'll stay
Though
You should know
I will let go
And for all that you do-
-No, not for long…​

(END)​

And Alas the end peice! Still the slightconfusion from sentance to sentance you change your mind but i'm sure thats the way you want it. But i don't see too much wrong here. Wouldn't change anything. I think a lot of this song is really dependant on the way it's sung!​

The Final Verdict

​

To be quite honest it was good! I would love to hear the music and hear it sung. Well done. Maybe a few tweaks here and there. I hope i didn't seem too harsh but i think it's good! So work on your structure a small bit ie. decideing what actually is going on rather than picking random lines where one miute you love the person and the next you're not. Sure i bet you're sick of me now xD
So 8/10 well done​

Alright, thanks. Yes, it was intended that the story behind this was changing minds but here:
To sum it up, the person loves the feeling of being gone from the other person, but at the same time, the person wants to stay with the other person cuz they feel attached. (I used person instead of he/she to avoid any confusion.) The "I don't feel like your trap, I fell through" I will fix that up, that seems like my biggest flaw, this is my 1st complete song.
Yes, a guitar solo is planned after "JUST LET GO" not to be spoiling anything but..
The vocals will be very, more indepth than what you could imagine. This is a big song. It will also be difficult to complete.

One more thing, I said earlier I can't record until we can get things right in the song. We're not even half way through memorizing instrumental parts. Our singer could use a lot more time singing the song, but I won't strain her, well, not now at least. :P

 

[ChronicEdge]

While I'm here, GavZ was right about one thing. The lyrics are all over the place. There's nothing wrong with what you're trying to convey, but you fall short at conveying it. Clear things up for us. You've got a solid enough outline, but... Yeah. Refine your lyrics, then come back to us with a recording.

 

[kevcrash]

While I'm here, GavZ was right about one thing. The lyrics are all over the place. There's nothing wrong with what you're trying to convey, but you fall short at conveying it. Clear things up for us. You've got a solid enough outline, but... Yeah. Refine your lyrics, then come back to us with a recording.

I'm afraid as scratchy and blurry (metaphorically speaking) as my lyrics are, I intend to keep the same meaning to it, so I won't refine every word by word, if that's what you were saying. If you weren't saying that then,...... okay. When I come with a recording I hope to keep my lyrics as they are with the touch ups, but something that will be totally awesome! But that's farther down the road. I'm having a few issues with a band member. :(

 

[ChronicEdge]

I'm afraid as scratchy and blurry (metaphorically speaking) as my lyrics are, I intend to keep the same meaning to it, so I won't refine every word by word, if that's what you were saying. If you weren't saying that then,...... okay. When I come with a recording I hope to keep my lyrics as they are with the touch ups, but something that will be totally awesome! But that's farther down the road. I'm having a few issues with a band member. :(

No, I'm not saying to change every word. Just switch out whatever you need to make it coherent. You might even be able to get off with just switching a couple of words in the chorus. Since that's what people hear the most, it'll be good to use that to present the meaning of the song to your listeners. Then, you can use the rest to describe the things that you're feeling, or whatever. When I write a song or poetry, I like to do the same thing that it seems you do, and convey my feelings through these really esoteric phrases. To counter that, I always make sure that I put the meaning of all of these words somewhere that people can see it, so they'll at least get the gist of what I'm saying, if not every single metaphor.

Another advantage to changing your chorus a bit is that it's already the most coherent part of your song. Just use a few conjunctions, man a 'but' or two might help you a lot.

Anyway, that's all that I have for the moment. I look forward to listening to it when you've got a recording.

 

[kevcrash]

No, I'm not saying to change every word. Just switch out whatever you need to make it coherent. You might even be able to get off with just switching a couple of words in the chorus. Since that's what people hear the most, it'll be good to use that to present the meaning of the song to your listeners. Then, you can use the rest to describe the things that you're feeling, or whatever. When I write a song or poetry, I like to do the same thing that it seems you do, and convey my feelings through these really esoteric phrases. To counter that, I always make sure that I put the meaning of all of these words somewhere that people can see it, so they'll at least get the gist of what I'm saying, if not every single metaphor.

Another advantage to changing your chorus a bit is that it's already the most coherent part of your song. Just use a few conjunctions, man a 'but' or two might help you a lot.

Anyway, that's all that I have for the moment. I look forward to listening to it when you've got a recording.

Alright, thanks for your input, it means a lot to me!

 

[Deleted member 143209]

Well as i've looked over the past comments i think it would be insulting for me to add anymore critical advice as i think you've goyyen what you needed xD just remember that music can be a very long process before you actually do anything. You hear about some bands breaking out onto the music scene out of nowhere but what you don't hear about is the years of dedication they've put into they're music. Every gret bnd thats out there can give you one peice of advice that got them to where they are today and that advice is, percist don't give up and always enjoy your music. Play what you want to play and enjoy it. Don't worry about what others want to hear. Keep it up. It won't be easy. The more practice you get the better and more tight your band will become. Keep lyrics fresh and try not to fall back on the typical crap you hear on the radio, those lyrics are just made to sell and thats not what music is about. I'd advise listening to stuff you never ever listen to. Theres a lot you can learn from different genres such as the blues and even funk. I'm more into metal myself but i appreciate every genre and it's really broadand my horizons. So listen to alternitive stuff. Even try reading poetry every now and then. Theres a reason people say poets "Have a way with words".:)

 

[kevcrash]

Well as i've looked over the past comments i think it would be insulting for me to add anymore critical advice as i think you've goyyen what you needed xD just remember that music can be a very long process before you actually do anything. You hear about some bands breaking out onto the music scene out of nowhere but what you don't hear about is the years of dedication they've put into they're music. Every gret bnd thats out there can give you one peice of advice that got them to where they are today and that advice is, percist don't give up and always enjoy your music. Play what you want to play and enjoy it. Don't worry about what others want to hear. Keep it up. It won't be easy. The more practice you get the better and more tight your band will become. Keep lyrics fresh and try not to fall back on the typical crap you hear on the radio, those lyrics are just made to sell and thats not what music is about. I'd advise listening to stuff you never ever listen to. Theres a lot you can learn from different genres such as the blues and even funk. I'm more into metal myself but i appreciate every genre and it's really broadand my horizons. So listen to alternitive stuff. Even try reading poetry every now and then. Theres a reason people say poets "Have a way with words".:)

Yeah, jazz is always an inspiration as well as R&B.
I try not copy over what I originallysay. My next song called "Blizzard" is basically all metaphorically speaking, but I want to keep it that way cuz I just feel as if I have my own obligation to right music My band and I understand more than anyone else and if that means using metaphors the whole song, then I will. PS thanks for the advice! I definitely know what you're saying and I promise I actually read it :P

 

[Deleted member 143209]

Haha okay i'll try keep my comments shorter from now on! Yes that sounds good. But don't hold your cards too close to your chest. Make sure poeple actually know what you're singing about xD But also make sure your music fits the lyrics! If you have deep and complex lyrics in a major/minor key keep the music the same. You know? Feel free to PM me if you ever want opinions or evalution/help etc. I'd be happy to help! I've studied music for a few years, Play in a band and play a couple instruments so i have some sort of background so that i can give you some advice :D

 

[kevcrash]

Haha okay i'll try keep my comments shorter from now on! Yes that sounds good. But don't hold your cards too close to your chest. Make sure poeple actually know what you're singing about xD But also make sure your music fits the lyrics! If you have deep and complex lyrics in a major/minor key keep the music the same. You know? Feel free to PM me if you ever want opinions or evalution/help etc. I'd be happy to help! I've studied music for a few years, Play in a band and play a couple instruments so i have some sort of background so that i can give you some advice :D

Alright, I ill if I have something else to be evaluated rather than on a thread :P
You've been very helpful dude!