lily petals

Yesterday

Manabi Style ^w^
    • 27
    Posts
    18
    Years
    • Seen Jan 14, 2008
    She walks on green fields with a handful of lily petals
    To which her hand yields, and on the ground they settle

    Sweet, tender fragrance wafts around her as she dances
    With her endearing laughs and memorable kisses

    And she, alas,
    lies on the ground,
    Smelling,
    fresh cut bleeding grass,
    the aroma of soil,
    and the fragrance,

    Of the lily petals
    That she left to settle.
     
    I'll review, I'll review, just don't bother me about reviewing again...


    But anyway, I'm not extremely fond of your unorthodox structure, but some internal rhymes are prety good. Really weird towards the end, but overall it's great. I just don't like the style of your structure... or maybe some shaky rhytm.
     
    flyfly /shot

    Um...I'll be biased and say I liked it for the sheer mention of lilies. Other than that! It was a bit confsing--some rhythm didn't make sense when I read it out loud, but the rhymes were cool~ I liked the ending. Kinda sad. .-.

    Keep writing. =]
     
    thankees so muchhh!!! ^w^ ish too bad pishy isnt reviewing.... u.u
     
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