Love Comes With Sorrow(PG-13)(Edited!!)

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    • Seen Oct 29, 2008
    This is my first pokemon Fan Fiction so don't go to hard on me please.

    Chapter One
    My First day of High School.

    RING!! The Canalave City High school morning bell's sound screeched through the hall ways, the kids filed in there classrooms for there first day of school. Sky, a boy with wavy hair down to his shoulders a blue shirt and three buttons at the top. Jeans with marker stains, a checkered patterned green Vans Sneakers and black bag with red pictures of pokeballs and drawings from markers on it. Sky walked into his class room, this is his first year of high school.

    "Everyone take a seat, my name is Mrs. Shaw and I' am your strategy teacher."
    The dark haired middle aged women said to her students.

    "Wow dude there all kinds of kids in this class, I wonder what kind of pokemon these people have, and how many they have. Knowing my luck, I'll probably have the least amount of pokemon again… Even though Typlosion and Wevile are excellent pokemon there only two. These jerks carry six pokeballs on there belt I hate those dumbasses." Sky thought in his head as more and more kids filled the room.


    As the tardy bell rang, Mrs. Shaw said "Well that's it everyone form a circle, we are going to do a little activity so your peers and I can get to know you better. And as his thought of hating posers kept on his mind, at the corner of his eye he saw the most beautiful girl he had ever laid eyes upon. Sitting just 2 desks away from him a girl with pasty skin and red long hair (similar to Marina from pokemon chronicles). He started fantasizing about her and her glamorous beauty.
    Just then his fantasy's where smashed to shreds as the voice of his new teacher broke the sound in his head with….

    "You there, with the black bag let's start with you:"Mrs.Shaw said pointing her finger at him.

    But before he could stop the words from coming out of his mouth, still half day dreaming about the red haired girl he said

    "My name is Typlosion, my pokemon are Wevile and Sky." Everyone giggled a little.

    But immediately, Sky said with scarlet red cheeks "Uh oops I mean my name is sky and my pokemon are Typlosion and Wevile."

    But then, after another look at the red haired girl his day dreaming returned, next thing he knew the bell for his next class rung. And he, like always unprepared shoved everything into his bag and ran out hoping to catch up to his damsel he was interrupted by no other than the screeching skin tearing sound of "her" Voice.

    "Hey Sky How you doing? How ways your class? Mine was great I sat next to this girl and she was so totally like omg did you see that guy he is totally sexy and…" The girl with slightly liter red hair, named Flare sounding like a broken recorded talked to Sky.
    But the time he took, to come up with a blow off to say he lost sight of his red haired princess.


    Sky couldn't stop thinking about the girl he saw in First Period. He thought about her through out his day until he realized he had gone through the day thinking about how beautiful the girl was. He had to find out what her name was he just had too. But then the silence of his thought was broken by a familiar voice

    "Hey dude how was your day, sucks we don't have any classes together huh"

    Sky turned around and saw the familiar face of Gold his old friend with gold like hair and a green shirt with jeans and sneakers.

    "Oh hey man, it was a good day well the part I remember."

    "What do you mean the part you remember? Don't tell me you slept through your classes on the first day of school." Gold said with a confused look on his face.

    "Well in first period I saw this beautiful girl with long red hair pale skin and a blue miniskirt with a black blouse"

    "You mean Serena" Gold replying to Sky's day dreaming fantasy.

    "Wait you know her name how?"

    "Well she sits next to me in third period"

    But before Sky could reply he saw Flare. He grabbed gold and plummeted into the green summer bushes. And put his hand over gold's mouth, with gold squirming trying to get away.

    "Dude shut up wait until she is gone" Sky whispered as he ran his hands slowly in the bush just enough to make a peep hole. And he watched his Stalker looking for him.

    "I wonder where he went; I swear I just saw him here. Oh well he might be in the gym." Flare said to herself as she ran to look for Sky.

    "That was close she almost got us" Sky mumbled as he brushed the leaves of his shirt.

    As they started walking toward the bridge "Why do you hate her so much …? She is kind of cute..." Gold asked with a nervous look on his face.

    "I'm not even going to ask, the reason I hate her is she has ruined every relationship I've had with any girl Ever!, I mean every time I've talked to a girl she finds some way to ruin it but it stops here I'm not going to let her ruined things anymore."
    __________________
     
    Last edited:
    Sky, a boy with wavy hair down to his shoulders a blue shirt with three buttons at the top.

    Needs an "and".

    not finished reading so i'll edit if i find anything else.

    EDIT: nvm. i saw too many to mention. My best advice would be to find the grammar sticky somewhere at the top of the forum page and give that a good read. I like the idea for the story though. Keep the new ideas comin'! X)
     
    Hey I'Am almost done with chapter 2 so it will come out some time tommorow or sunday at the latest.
     
    I kind of thought the same thing as darkcowboy. There are too many errors, but if you paste your story into a Word processor, it will help you fix the problems. Advice: Put a Chapter number and title above each part (or just prologue if that was what this is)

    You've got a good storyline/plot, but your presentation needs to be improved, to make it more enjoyable to read. It takes work - I know, but it'll be worth it in the end :)
     
    I kind of thought the same thing as darkcowboy. There are too many errors, but if you paste your story into a Word processor, it will help you fix the problems. Advice: Put a Chapter number and title above each part (or just prologue if that was what this is)

    You've got a good storyline/plot, but your presentation needs to be improved, to make it more enjoyable to read. It takes work - I know, but it'll be worth it in the end :)

    Ok thanks i will.
    Filllll
     
    Better already :) The Chapter title makes it look better and sets it off properly.

    The bell thing at the beginning shouldn't have an apostrophe if there are more than one bells.

    "Sky, a boy with wavy hair down to his shoulders a blue shirt and three buttons at the top."
    Add an ", and" in between "shoulders" and "a"

    The next sentence is a fragment, add "He wore" or something.

    "my name is Mrs. Shaw and I' am your strategy teacher." - The apostrophe is unnecessary. and there needs to be a comma instead of a period, plus "There" from the next part is the wrong version of it and should be "their"(uncapitalized)

    There are still too many mistakes... Oh and sorry about the My color is blue link thing I told you. Apparently I didn't copy the link. All you have to do is right click it, click "Copy Image Location" and paste it into the url spot, and click enter. It'll take you to that spot. I don't know if it will elt you take the quiz though. If not, just type into a search engine(like google) "wizards what color are you" and it should work.
     
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