[Pokémon] May's Adventure in Pokeland (CYOA)

[starlightmint72]

First things first: There is a thread about a similar story, Brenden's Adventure in Pokeland, and before any of you accuse me of stealing, I want to say that Ho-oh 112 is my brother, and he suggested we do this.

May will be put into random regions (In mystery Dungeon style, of course) since I forgot a lot about Time's place, and I can't play it again because it was stolen by one of my siblings...but anyways, here's my story!

Prologue: May's Thoughts (In the present time)
"What the heck am I doing here?" May asked herself as she pushed through some brambles to get to her partner. She sighed and remembered the time when she had first come to this place.

Chapter 1: In the beginning (In the past)
May was riding her Blaziken piggyback style across a plain. "Go, go, go!" She yelled, pumping a fist in the air. "Faster!"

The Blaziken ran faster and May looked behind her as she smelled something burning. "Uh-oh. Fire!" She yelled, and her Blaziken suddenly stopped when they came at a big lake.

Behind her, the fire was spreading quickly through the grass, and May had to decided between jumping in the lake, which was glowing somehow, or take her chances with the fire.

She shrugged and turned to the lake. "Jump into the lake!" She yelled at Blaziken, and it turned to give her a funny look before half obeying her, throwing her into the lake and running away.

May screamed out insults, that will not be put on here because it would be censored, at the Blaziken as she sunk deeper and deeper.

Just when she thought she was going to drown, something pulled her out, and she was gasping for breath. "Are you okay?" Someone asked. May looked behind her and found herself face to face with a Pokemon.
xXx
Help me decide which Pokemon saved her.

1) A Caterpie
2) A Wurmple
3) A Burmy
4) A Weedle
5) Some other random Pokemon.

Choose one and help me decided. I'll post again when I've got something like four or five votes in.

 

[Astinus]

I'll post again when I've got something like four or five votes in.

Just so you don't get your hopes up too high, but you getting five responses isn't very likely. People in general don't review fanfics that much, and if they just post offering suggestions to your plot without mentioning the story, then that breaks the rules of this section, and said posts will be deleted.

I'm guessing since you want to go with a choose-your-own-adventure type story, that you want to keep the choices in. But really, the CYOA stories work because the reader can always go back and see what the other decisions would have lead to. Right now it just seems as if you're waiting for others to make the plot decisions for you. What you could do is take the choices, write out what happens when a reader chooses each one, and then post/link them through the thread so that there's no waiting for votes. Plus, it seems more fun because it's not just the majority's decision, and readers can go around and see where the other choices could lead them.

As another piece of advice, you probably shouldn't have every decision left up to choice. Only the ones that really affect the plot. Ask if it really matters overall if May is saved by a Caterpie or a Weedle. If it doesn't (and probably not since "any other Pokemon" is a choice), cut that choice out, continue writing the chapter, and leave the choices up to those that have more serious outcomes to the story.

Since I'm tired and didn't expect to write a full review, I'll give a very quick and general one about your story.

For one thing, the chapter moved way too fast. You should take the time to set up the scene and the characters. Why is May out on her own in the middle of the field, riding her Blaziken? What caused the fire?

Mostly, though, why does Blaziken suddenly abandon its trainer? That really doesn't make sense for the majority of trainers, to have their Pokemon not do everything possible to stay with them. It doesn't paint May as a good person if she's telling her Fire Pokemon to get into the lake. If you were going for a character that really doesn't care about someone that she spent time with, then this is fine. But it doesn't make sense unless you mention why she made that decision in the story. Otherwise, Blaziken's choice to completely abandon its trainer comes out of nowhere and seems like a convenience to the plot. While I can figure that you wanted Blaziken to not be around for the rest of the story, there probably was a better way to do it.

I haven't looked at your brother's thread yet. But I will say that the both of you probably should spend more time working together on your story. This reads as if it was rushed because of how quickly everything moved without much set-up. Take the time to write the story and make it the best it can be.

Or, if you really like have reader participation, you could follow the suggestion of posting this as a roleplay in that section. It might actually be more to your liking than as a CYOA fanfic.