[Pokémon] Meh Zoroark Fanfiction. (Ages 10+)

[Zoroark700]

The Dawn of Zoroarks in the Sinnoh (Short Story) (10+)

I made this a while ago on a site called quibblo, and now I decided to post it here! Enjoy!



Prologue:
A zoroark was jumping through the woods, running away from some hunters. But then he turned around and sliced one of the hunters wrist off. "Erg!" the hunter grunted as blood ran down his arm. His pistol fell to the ground and the zoroark quickly picked it up. He turned around and shot all of the hunters, then he went up to them and shot their corpses. Once he was satisfied he stopped shooting, dropped the gun and went back into the woods.

Chapter 1:
A boy was walking through the same woods. As he walked he heard a growl. He jumped back and took out one of his pokeballs. Once he knew nothing was there he kept walking. "I shouldnt have gone this way.." he murmured to himself. He took his phone out of his bag and called his friend, John. "Uhh John?" the boy said. "Yes Luke?" "I might take a little while to get to your house" "Why?" asked John "Because... I'm sorta stuck in some creepy woods..." "You mean the woods next to Eterna? "Yup" replied Luke "Well I'll see you in an hour or so." "Ok just take care of yourself I've heard scary things happen to hunters who hunt in those woods." "Uhh.... Did you have to say that?" "Well forget that" John said quickly "Just... uhh try to get to Floaroma, ok? "Ok."

Chapter 2:
Luke kept walking along. He stopped, thought for a minute and sent out his Emboar. "Emboar, I don't trust these woods. Do you?" Emboar shook his head.
"I thought so. Well its your job to make sure nothing attacks us, understand?" Emboar nodded "Ok now we keep walking." As they walked farther they heard a strange growl. Luke nodded at Emboar and he had a flamethrower at the ready. Luke slowly went into the foliage with Emboar following then Luke felt searing pain on his back and he fell down. He heard Emboar's cries faintly. Then everything went black.

Chapter 3:
"Erg.. What happened?" Luke said as he woke up. He felt a sharp claw pressing on his mouth. He looked up and saw a black face and body with some red fur coming off of its head. He struggled to get out of its grasp but the creature was too strong. The creature let off a cry and dug its claws into Luke's arm. "Erg" he tried to pull it out but it was dug in deep and he realized it was no use. Luke whimpered, "Please don't kill me!" Luke thought he heard the creature chuckling. The creature then went into its cave and got a blowgun and a dart. He put the dart inside the blowgun and aimed for Luke's forehead. Luke realized, "I"m going to die..." "I hope death doesn't hurt.." the the creature shot the dart and it went right into Luke's head. He felt a burning feeling all over. His fingernails turned into bloodred claws. Luke cried out, "What is happening to me!!??"

Meanwhile......
"Whats taking him so long?" John said "Maybe i should check in on him." He dialed Luke's number on the phone. "Hey Luke are you there?" John heard nothing but faint screams. "Uhh anyone??" Still no answer. John put down the phone. "What were those screams......."

Chapter 4:
As Luke stopped transforming he felt more calm. He asked the creature "Uhh why did you turn me into this creature?" "Well we were running low on Zoroarks in the sinnoh. By the way I'm Felix" "So I'm a Zoroark?" "Yup" Felix replied "Whats your name?" "I'm Luke." "Nice to meet ya, Luke!" "Uhh i didn't imagine someone so savage to be this jolly..." "I'm only like this when i meet someone." Felix told him. "Anyway I was once part of a pack, but everyone but me got shot. So I need more Zoroarks to take down the hunters." "Well sounds like you turned me into a Zoroark for a reason. But what about my friend, John?" "I was going to his house...." "Well that's simple, just concentrate on your human form and viola!" Luke did as Felix told him and he found himself in his human body. "Well thanks dude, I'm going to go to John's house, I'll come back. Then Luke picked up his bags and ran toward where he thought Floaroma was.

Chapter 5:
As he kept running he saw Floaroma town in the distance. He ran faster. When he got there he burst into Johns house. "Hey Luke there you are! I was getting worried!" John exclaimed "Well I'm here!" Luke said "Wanna play some video games before I leave tomorrow?" "Yup" John and Luke ran upstairs with Spark (John's pet Shinx) following them. They played Mario Kart until 10:00 PM John yawned "Its time for bed." They both went into Johns room. Luke took his sleeping bag out and went into it. "Luke?" "Yes John" :I tried to call you earlier but you weren't there. I also heard screams. Was everything Ok?" "Yup" Luke lied "I dropped my phone on the way." "Ok good night." John said, and he turned off the light.

Chapter 6:
When Luke woke up he felt his claws again. Luke tried his hardest to be quiet and he got out of the house he left a note but then he heard John waking up. he tried to be a human again but it didn't work, so he ran. John saw him and decided to follow.
As Luke entered the woods John got faster. he ran faster and faster until he saw Luke. "Luke... is that you....." John whimpered. Luke saw John and tried to talk like a human. All that came out was: Zor Zor! John let curiosity get the best of him and he came closer. Luke ran as fast as he could until he found Felix's cave. But then he saw 10 hunters surrounding him. One of them said, "We've gotcha now! One of them shot his hand. Another one got his arm and another got his foot. It was so much pain he became unconscious. John came next to Luke and carried him into the cave after the hunters went away. When Felix saw John carrying Luke in Felix quickly turned into a human. "Well what happened to him?" John simply said, "Hunters." "Erg those blasted hunters!" "Well John isn't hurt too badly, he'll live." John sighed in relief, "Good... is he actually..." "Yup, he is Luke" "and I'm Felix!" "Ok really, THAT jolly?" "Hey I don't want people to have a bad first impression!" "Whatever..."

Chapter 7:
As Luke came to he groaned, " Erg what happened" "You got shot.." Felix said
"Well it feels like it." "Wait, whats John doing here?" "He saved your life and now he's prepared to become a Zoroark." "Oh Ok." He saw John get shot by the dart and him transforming. "Well I sure feel different." John said "You're supposed too." Felix told him. "Wait..." "What, Felix?" Luke said "Hunters...." He ran outside and took one down. Another shot Felix's leg and he tripped. He kept running at the last few hunters. He took all but one down. The last one shot Felix's chest just before he sliced the hunters head off. Luke ran outside and saw Felix's corpse. "Felix, Felix!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Luke went next to him " Are you Ok buddy?" "No I will leave soon.... Just go to the Unova... Get all their Zoroarks.. and take down the hunters." Felix said weakly. Then he took his last breath and died. Luke sat down crying "I've got to do his last wishes..." "John, we're going to the Unova!"

Chapter 8:
"Wait, Luke how are we going to get to the Unova?" "I know a guy with a private jet near the woods." "Follow me" and Luke ran off into the woods. In a minute they saw the jet. "Isn't it a beauty?" John asked "Uhh well yup." Luke jumped through the window with John following. "Ouch did we have to jump through the windows??"
"It makes us look cool now get in a seat." John felt the rumble of the plane taking off. "Erg this is slow..." John said "Well i have a plasma power box which will speed it up." Luke told him. He hooked it up to the plane and it sped up. "Well i see the Unova now" As they were flying they saw thousands of Zoroarks.
"Wow that's lots of Zoroarks..." They landed right near them. As John opened the door they were greeted by more Zoroarks then they expected. They went up to the top of a tree. An old Zoroark gave them a microphone. He wondered, "Does he know what I'm thinking...? Luke said into the microphone, "This is time to begin the revolution against hunters!! We will destroy the biggest city in the world to show it!!!! Who's with me!!!!!???" Luke heard a big roar of approval. "Time to destroy Castelia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He heard another roar of approval and they started off to Castelia City. Luke thought, "That's a lot of support for people, I mean Zoroarks, who don't know me..."

Chapter 9:
As they reached Castelia they started slaughtering. Then Luke saw the Unova military in the distance. "I knew his wouldn't be too easy." Then he saw a Zoroark fall and another. then they heard a boom and saw millions of military members killing most of the Zoroarks. They even had Avatar-like robots "Aww i loved that movie.." Luke said as he fought. Then he felt some heat. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Luke heard the Reshiram cry and looked behind him.
He saw Reshiram destroying soldiers with intense heat RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
He also heard the Zekrom cry and saw tons of soldiers getting zapped. Then he saw a familiar face, one of the hunters he scratched. He was in a robot shooting like crazy. Luke jumped on his robot and unleashed night daze on it. It blew up. then he felt a sharp pain on his knee and realized he had lost part of his leg. he saw an atomic bomb and he limped toward it yelled out, "Get out of here!!!!!" and he set the bomb.then he lay there waiting for it to explode. In a minute he felt intense heat and everything went black.


Epilouge:
John led the Zoroarks to their forest. Once they got there they let out cries of victory. They heard the bomb in the distance. Then John realized.. "Luke was still there......" Then he burst into tears. Then a young Zoroark said, "Cheer up we still won the war!" and that did the trick.
From that day on there was no more Zoroark hunting.
The next day they made a monument in honor of Luke. John also set off to give Luke a proper burial. After that John went home and all was well in the Pokemon world.

In the next few years the Zoroark population in the Sinnoh had more then tripled.






________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Sequel below!
Sorry for all the errors, but this was my first one.

 

[Zoroark700]

The Rise of Kyurem

The sequel to the story above.


Chapter 1:
Jorge flinched as he felt the cold claws of John shake him. "Jorge, wake up! Breakfast is ready!" As soon as Jorge heard the word "breakfast" he jumped of the pile of moss he called his bed. Jorge yelled, "A good man is always ready for breakfast!" John chuckled. As he walked to the table Jorge ran ahead of him, his red fur streaming from his head. Jorge jumped onto the small wooden stool and gazed, drooling, at the bacon laying on the table. As he tried to grab it John held his arm. 'Listen, Jorge. I go through a lot to steal this food from Eterna, I don't want you to eat it all. Besides, we have a whole family to feed!" Jorge looked like he was about to burst into tears. John rolled his eyes, "As much as I am proud of you being a good actor, you annoy me so much sometimes!" he said as he gave Jorge a slip of bacon. Just as Jorge was about to start eating it, his sister, Jillian came into the room. John greeted her, "Good Morning Jillian!" "Good morning to you too." she replied. Jillian plopped a piece of bacon onto her part of the table and started eating it. Just as she did, Jorge walked into the cave saying, "I'm done!" John rolled his eyes again. But he stopped mid-spin to listen, he heard the cracking of leaves. He looked over to where it was coming from, to see nothing but trees and grass. He heard the sound again, except closer. He turned yet again, but still, nothing. John began to feel scared. When Jillian saw him shaking she asked, "Is everything all right, daddy?" "Yes, I'm just..... Cold! That's it!" He replied. "Seriously?" Jillian asked. John sighed, then said, "I have a feeling we are being stalked.." "The scary way, or the.." She stopped to stifle a giggle "The romantic way?" "You know which one it is." he replied. "The romantic way!?" "No!!" yelled John, his temper taking over. His anger faded as he heard the crack-crack of breaking leaves. He rushed into the cave, and came out with a blowgun and a couple darts. He stood at the wall of the ravine that they were living in, blowgun at the ready, when the creature came close to the ravine, John shot at it and the big, brown, furry mass fell, and smashed against the walk floor. John could almost hear the crack of bones. It was a Bidoof. It let out a weak cry then fainted. Jillian burst into laughter, "That was your intruder!" The laughter echoed all over the ravine, "A big Bidoof!" She broke into a fit again. John felt like slapping her, but he couldn't blame her for laughing. As he tried to scold her, he too burst into laughter. Jorge ran out of the cave and asked, "Is everything alright!?" But the two didn't hear him over their high pitched laughter. Jorge stood tapping his foot, until they finally took a breath, and the laughter disappeared. "I'll repeat it, what happened!?" Jorge repeated. John put his hand on Jorge's shoulder, "It's a long story, a long, long story." John tried to tell him the story, "I heard a creature, and when it came clo-" He was interrupted by a gruff voice yelling down the steep walls, "Come out here, we've got you surrounded!" "John looked up to see a Weavile peering down at him. "Yeah right, and I have fifty Dialgas here!" He lied boldly. The Weavile's face went from tough and angry, to nervous and scared, "Really?" he asked. Then he started whimpering. John looked at Jorge and Jillian. They shrugged. "Yeah, we do have fifty Dialgas, and we're not afraid to use them!" He yelled back up the rough stone wall. Weavile yelled, "Watch out, they have fifty Dialgas!" Then the Weavile ran away. Once he did, hundreds of Weaviles and Sneasels emerged from the trees and bushes. All the Zoroark family could hear was thumping and cracking as they all walked away from the ravine. Once they did, Jillian was the first one to say something, "They were pretty dumb." Jorge and John nodded
in agreement. "Well, I'll snack on the dead Bidoof." Jorge said as he trotted over to the brown Pokemon. John scratched his arm and sternly said, "No you won't! The Bidoof might have had rabies or something! Why else would they come that close to a ravine!?" "Okay fine..." Jorge mumbled, "But I'm hungry.." John heard Jillian mumble, "Whats new, fatty?" John ignored it and said "Then go foraging." "No! Why do I have to?" Jorge groaned "Because it's a skill you should already know! If you really want to, I'll come with you." "Okay...." And John and Jorge started off to the ladder leading up the wall of the ravine. Then Jillian was alone. As the boys left she felt yet another pair of eyes on her. She looked up to see a bird perched on a tree right next to the ravine. Just as Jillian was about to pick up the blowgun and shoot at the bird, it flew down. Once it reached the wall of the ravine, she could make out some white on its chest, surrounded by different shades of grey. It was a Staravia! As it reached the cave, it squawked, "Hello!" Jillian replied, "What are you doing here?" "Well.. I'm... Umm.... Inspecting!" It said quickly. "This is a nice den you have here!" It said as it surveyed the area. "Thank you!" Jillian replied, trusting the bird a lot more. "What's your name?" "It's Anna." Jillian nodded, "Nice name." "By the way," Anna added, "Where is your family?" "Out foraging." She replied. "Oh, okay." The bird didn't sound surprised. Jillian thought she could here a high pitched voice saying, "Anna, time to go home!" Right after the voice stopped, Anna said, "Oh, my mother's calling! I better go home." "Okay then, goodbye!" Jillian yelled as Anna flew off. After Jillian saw her dark silhouette disappear in the distance she walked into the cave. Little did she know, that home was not where the Staravia was going.




READ: I am discontinuing on this site, due to bad support (actually, I feel a little overwhelmed and I have a lot of pressure on my head...) and getting tired of pasting this on two sites. If you want to read, then go to quibblo.com

 

[miltankRancher]

Uhmmm.... It would be better if you make longer chapters than this... your first post can be counted as just a less than average chapter of a proper fanfic. try editing the story a little. Maybe go on to read some of the fanfics in this area. you might learn a thing or two.

 

[Snivy063]

Hmm, what he said is true. You definitely need to make it longer and make it more reasonable and informative, you actually kind of get it, how everything works out. I'm sure you'll get it just fine! :']

 

[bobandbill]

Yeah, as said your current chapters are about the length of a paragraph or few which is a bit short to really be called a chapter. Chapters don't need to be long, but a paragraph is too little for that.

On that note, try adding some more to explain some of the events of the story, I suggest. The general concept is interesting and seems to work decently with the whole Zoroark-can-transform plot you have there, but the smaller details like how Luke had access to a conveniently located jet plane comes out of the blue and seems too unlikely for the story. (After all, what were the chances of that?) Some more into why they were hunting Zoroark to such degrees as well would be something to consider, as I wondered that during the story, and also some more description in places would be another thing to look at with extending your story, such as what it was like for the characters to turn into a Pokemon. After all, statements like

"Well I sure feel different." John said "You're supposed too." Felix told him.

don't really show us much about that, and I feel it would be an interesting part of the story to look into. Other things like how the characters said their lines, what they did while talking, how they jumped into the plane, and so forth - basically how things happened, to make it more interesting and let us imagine more how events happen as opposed to just being told what happens. You had a neat atmosphere created for the first few paragraphs there but it wasn't so evident in later chapters I thought, probably due to less description or showing of how things happened. I quite liked how you showed us how Luke was scared without outright saying 'he was scared' for instance; it made for a good beginning, if still a bit on the short side.

With that, make sure not to give us too much in the way of unnecessary details though - like:

They played Mario Kart until 10:00 PM

The fact they played that game until 10 pm isn't really important to the story itself, but what it felt like for them to turn into Pokemon would be more relevant.

Watch for typos as well and some grammatical errors - in the first quote for instance you'd want add in a full stop after 'John said', and use commas instead of the full stops after 'different' and 'too' (which should be a 'to' btw). That's because 'John said.' and 'Felix told him' don't work as sentences by themselves in this instance - they sound odd by themselves. They fit with the dialogue though (as it tells us who said what, and possibly how it was said too), so you ought to treat the two parts (dialogue and what follows) as one sentence in this case, and hence use commas rather than the full stops. Note this applies only to full stops - you could say you an exclamation mark instead and it'll be fine.

Lastly, separate dialogue said by someone different in its own paragraph with a line of spacing in-between (it's easier to read if formatted that way for forums, basically). So the above quote would end up looking like so:

"Well I sure feel different," John said.

"You're supposed to!" Felix told him.

Another example:

"You mean the woods next to Eterna? "Yup" replied Luke "Well I'll see you in an hour or so."

Same deal here with a few things (besides a missing quotation mark for instance), so that would become:

"You mean the woods next to Eterna?"

"Yup," replied Luke.

"Well I'll see you in an hour or so."

Hope that's of help to you!

 

[Zoroark700]

Yeah, as said your current chapters are about the length of a paragraph or few which is a bit short to really be called a chapter. Chapters don't need to be long, but a paragraph is too little for that.

On that note, try adding some more to explain some of the events of the story, I suggest. The general concept is interesting and seems to work decently with the whole Zoroark-can-transform plot you have there, but the smaller details like how Luke had access to a conveniently located jet plane comes out of the blue and seems too unlikely for the story. (After all, what were the chances of that?) Some more into why they were hunting Zoroark to such degrees as well would be something to consider, as I wondered that during the story, and also some more description in places would be another thing to look at with extending your story, such as what it was like for the characters to turn into a Pokemon. After all, statements like don't really show us much about that, and I feel it would be an interesting part of the story to look into. Other things like how the characters said their lines, what they did while talking, how they jumped into the plane, and so forth - basically how things happened, to make it more interesting and let us imagine more how events happen as opposed to just being told what happens. You had a neat atmosphere created for the first few paragraphs there but it wasn't so evident in later chapters I thought, probably due to less description or showing of how things happened. I quite liked how you showed us how Luke was scared without outright saying 'he was scared' for instance; it made for a good beginning, if still a bit on the short side.

With that, make sure not to give us too much in the way of unnecessary details though - like:The fact they played that game until 10 pm isn't really important to the story itself, but what it felt like for them to turn into Pokemon would be more relevant.

Watch for typos as well and some grammatical errors - in the first quote for instance you'd want add in a full stop after 'John said', and use commas instead of the full stops after 'different' and 'too' (which should be a 'to' btw). That's because 'John said.' and 'Felix told him' don't work as sentences by themselves in this instance - they sound odd by themselves. They fit with the dialogue though (as it tells us who said what, and possibly how it was said too), so you ought to treat the two parts (dialogue and what follows) as one sentence in this case, and hence use commas rather than the full stops. Note this applies only to full stops - you could say you an exclamation mark instead and it'll be fine.

Lastly, separate dialogue said by someone different in its own paragraph with a line of spacing in-between (it's easier to read if formatted that way for forums, basically). So the above quote would end up looking like so:

Another example:

Same deal here with a few things (besides a missing quotation mark for instance), so that would become:


Hope that's of help to you!

Well, I'm bad with grammar, but umm this was meh first story, Ill add more to the next one. And I made that a WHILE ago, I just joined this site and posted it. I'll try to be more grammical, but I really do these for something to do for a day.

 

[bobandbill]

If you post a story to the net, then comments on issues with spelling mistakes or grammatical errors should be expected, is all, even if it is your first story or you just wanted to write something for a day. After all, mistakes in the story can distract the reader from the tale and it isn't often that having mistakes in your writing is a good thing in the first place either.